Family time and forgiveness.

I have had a difficult time the last few years and when there is vast change within a human’s life chances are it is affecting every area of your life whether you are aware of it or not. It is not just your life that is thrown into chaos but the life of your entire family. Everyone within your family will have their own problems with any change happening to you.

My father and I have walked  a tight rope of a relationship for most of my life and when my parents divorced after high school I didn’t see my father much and then I started having children. We have lived many states away from each other most of my adult life. We are  in NYC together this weekend,  a place we both love. He is becoming more immobile due to a back issue so I am pushing him around in a wheel chair through the streets of NY. Now I get the American Disabilities Act for sure! Curbs people, I almost dumped him out of that chair 2 times yesterday. Thank God we both have a sense of humor. Pushing a wheel chair here is ridiculous rough sidewalks, rude cabs, you know the drill! My father is a proud man and hates every moment of this new weakness that has him at my mercy to get to the concerts he wants to see and my arms have never been so tired from pushing him around. But that’s ok.

This trip is us putting once again our relationship back where it belongs. In the column of I love you , you are my people, and I am sure that’s why they call it unconditional love. For as many stupid things my father and I have said to each other over the years, me thinking he has no clue and him thinking what is going to happen to me, we battle it out so we can have a relationship.

Our belief systems are different. Our life experiences our different. But we are family. As a spiritual teacher I sow seeds of wisdom over my Dad all the time. Trying to open the closed eyes that has been the experience of his life. If I condemn him for what is outside of his radar it is myself that is responsible for that. It is my job to educate those around me. It is my behavior that dictates how others will treat me. I am in control of that. This I believe is a big secret.

You my reader are in charge of your experience on this planet. Not what happens but how you respond to it. We blame every one for everything when the only person who can do anything about anything is you. That’s right you!

This is the best news of all. Praise God for it! Life, I am sorry would not be worth living if I thought for a moment there was another human on this planet who I truly believed was more powerful than I, more lovable than I, more awesome than I. To know that through my own effort I can raise myself up to be able to live a life that is beyond my wildest dreams. To know that as I accept my father for being a human on his own journey trying hard to get me to understand all he wants for me is the best life possible is as freeing as being divorced from a husband who no longer loves me and  this allows me the freedom I wasn’t aware I desired.

Everything happens for a reason. I have come to understand that in a way that is not trite though the words have become a new age slogan. Everything happens to the intelligent person who looks at their life from a view-point of wholeness and love and what can I learn from this moment.

My Dad loves me I know he does. His way of expressing it over the years caused me to question it. As I age I know my children will have this same talk with them selves as they rehash those moments in which I challenged their notion of who they are and desire to be. It is life. It is our choice to be or not to be, or to really live or just sort of live.

I move through my life in a state of forgiveness because as a teenager I remember being mad at my parents and I also remember my children being mad at me for the same things. So at the age of 50 when my father and I cross our lines of communication I reach into myself to that place that remembers to see a bigger picture. I try to relax and just let my Dad be my Dad just let my children each be who they are and in time everyone will allow me to be who I am.

Forgiveness is a great gift we give ourselves. Because in the end if you cannot forgive someone their issues you will find others will be unable to forgive you. Give forgiveness so that you can be forgiven. Forgive your parents,  your partner, your children, your neighbor, for that shoe will eventually be on your foot. Forgiveness is so freeing!


Doing “it” anyway

I have decided in a move to push forward, to restart the engine, make myself do something. One of the things I had promised myself as my life went through this last upheaval was to not do anything until I knew what to do.  As a survivor and born into a family of survivors chaos living is the norm.  Through the years I have been living what I thought was a very dedicated spiritual path. As I look closer I see the tell tell signs of  PTSD, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. This was appropriate during the highly dysfunctional years of marriage, divorce, kids, jobs, poverty, riches. Mostly because I didn’t know any better. Though I was dedicated to a spiritual path I was also living from a place of fear. That my friends is not what walking the path is about. I do not desire a life lived in this manner.

Of course I know better, we all do innately but ignore what is good for us and our growth to get through life, head down, nose to the grindstone.

Divine Spiritual Wisdom is about being in charge of life. It is about walking the path with your eyes wide open, your mind alert and your heart receptive. Fear closes all the faculties and makes us one-dimensional and fear based. As I saw this behavior taking over simply because something had that was unexpected unwanted and frankly unwarranted had happened to me I knew it had to stop. Time to stop Leanne!

As a survivor when chaos happens you assess the situation and take charge make move tend to your business. It happens quick its reactive behavior and often a quick decision to tend to something was simply me applying a band-aid rather than actually fixing the issue. I would leave a relationship in a blink of an eye or move across the country, change my hair color or my kids favorite get a dog. I would do anything I had to do something. As a being of light I desire to live in a more deliberate way making decisions based on wisdom not reactions. In a nut shell I am trying not to react to my fearful situation and just keep moving forward one step at a time. No big decisions just small course corrections until I get my boat back into the stream of life. The good news is I’m ready to rejoin the stream. At least I think I am. Well at least I hope I am. Ok wait being positive, I am so ready to rejoin  the life stream, yes, that’s it!

I write this blog to force myself to think each day on how I am doing and where I am at and how I am using my wisdom to negotiate the undiscovered waters that will be my new path. All the wisdom I need I have. All the wisdom I want I continue to search for. All I have to do is keep going. All I have to do is keep going. All I have to do is keep going! ( I highly encourage frequent pep talks with your higher self). Though I have no idea where I am going and what is going to happen it is through my Wisdom, my connection to God, that I just try to keep moving with the flow. Though I don’t know what to do I am just going to do “it” anyway. As I stay connected and focused on peace love and light I will each day learn what “it” is.

Being Alone

It was morning, woke up sun shining then I realized it was Saturday morning. I use to love Saturdays. I use to love weekends. But that Saturday Sunday thing gets hard when you are living through the carnage that was once your life.Who gives a rat’s ass about weekends when there is nothing going on and every day feels the same. No kids to dictate my schedule. No husband to run the vacuum around. No project to organize. My life is on pause!

When I was kid Saturdays were awesome for typical reasons, no pain no gain run it out, stay away from grown ups or they would put you to work. As a mother saturday was chore day, let your kids run day, get out of my hair day! Followed by lazy Sundays on the way back to busy Mondays. My life was many women’s life.

Now my life is on pause. I am being alone. Most of the time I am fine with it. Most of the time…..

Being alone on Saturdays and Sundays is very difficult in a couple, family world. Friends happy to see you during the week use weekends to tend to family chores and experience family time. I did.

So now they are 2 very long days for me.

I think on being alone in a world filled with people. How so many people feel invisible surrounded by hundreds of other people. In the beginning of my alone-ness I felt invisible. So when I get tired of being alone I head to a coffee shop or a bookstore. Just being in the company of other humans reminds me of the life I had and the life I hope that is ahead of me. I see these other humans living their lives and I see a lot of people sleep walking through life. I see people whose life story is written in the pain in their eyes. I see the people who ride life hard with aged faces and often young children. I see old people walking bent over with gnarled fingers. I see young people who won’t look up when they walk through the public, fearing judgement of their appearance, color, tattoos, piercings. I see women tired and being pulled by lively children. I see men hoping to leave the store soon, impatient, the game is on. I see fear, I see pain, I see you, I see me.

I don’t mind being alone. To much spiritual wisdom to think I am lonely. What I am going through is the metamorphosis that is called upon when big change happens. I use to say there is always at least 2 choices. When a life altering event happens you can lay down, suffer,become depressed, even give up. I did.

For a time!

I am human my heart was broken my spiritual beliefs rocked so hard I could no longer stand on my broken caving in foundation. I had to be alone in order to answer the age-old question. Who am I and what the hell am I doing here and frankly is this story almost over. Last part added for dramatic effect.Then it was time to get back up.

I am a fighter always have been. Hard knock childhood, teenage pregnancy, blah blah blah, all the story line you would ever need to fill in the badly adjusted poverty mind-set victim of a life that so many people can choose. After wisdom was revealed and truth became my motivator life changed. Completely. Now at this moment on my life path being alone is allowing me to see me, feel me, learn how to be me. I had a life, a life that was full of everything other people’s lives are filled with. I don’t anymore. My foundation blew out from under me because the truth I was looking for was not found in my previous life foundation built from the school of hard knocks and the many lies we tell our selves.

Being alone is allowing me to rebuild my foundation on the very truth I have searched so hard to find. I am invisible to you because for all intents and purposes I am gone. I have withdrawn my self from the life stream in order to do this rebuilding. I am alone because no one can do this work for me. I am also alone because I know it’s hard watching someone go through the changes this kind of work does to a person. But I am knee-deep into digging the holes to reset the new pillars for the foundation of my new life. I am getting ready to mix and pour the concrete. Just try to knock these babies down.

Well, there is always hope.

It has been rainy grey and way too fall like around here. Oh, where’s here? In the Northland of MN where the colors have peaked and the leaves are being blown to the ground in preparation for winter’s sleep. Trees like to sleep naked you know, well some varieties, some trees are very uptight and cling to their appearance. Anyway I digress, weather man says many days of sunshine coming, little blue sky yellow sun images, across the screen though chilly temps, so out comes the smart wool. So excited was I. Ah the sun finally!

Wait!  Is that a bank of clouds? Is that a rain cloud? Am I shouting?

Intake of Sharp inhalation….., pause….., hold…..

Uh Life! Expectations! Attachment! Imbalance! Hold!

Well; wait, wait, wait….., now the exhale, pause…..

Intake of reluctant inhalation, pause….., hold…..

Well, maybe tomorrow we will have a sunny day; wait, wait, wait, now the exhale, pause…..

Intake of earnest inhalation, pause….., hold…..

Oh Life! Acceptance! Detachment! Wisdom! Hold longer!

Well, there is always hope; wait, wait, wait, now the exhale, pause…..

Intake of a heartfelt inhalation, pause…..,hold…..

Ah Life! Contemplation! Stillness! Peace!

Well, feel peace, never-ending peace; wait, wait, wait, now the exhale, pause…..

Intake of a long deep inhalation, pause…..hold…..

Now the exhale, pause…..


Broken and Stuck at a Crossroad

Could I be more sick of my life than I am right now? I have been at this crossroads for well over two years. Which way do I go? What course shall I follow? Shall I drop out all together and just forget the whole thing? Am I any further down the spiritual information highway while I have been at the same time trying hard to hold myself still not reacting to the fear piercing my heart. Waiting waiting waiting for answers guidance something!!!!!!!!!

Broken lost heartache loneliness separation anxiety yet still holding to truths innately held. I know I am ok. I know there is a greater story than the one I am drowning in. I know there will be a future past this awful confusing maybe even mysterious crossroad.


I walk with certainty completely uncertain.

I walk in faith completely out of my mind while doing it anyway.

I know there is something more out there for all of us and I am going to look until I find it.

So I will stand here broken and stuck at this crossroad where it is dark right now because the veil of unknowing is putting on quite a show.

I will wait and not move until the way is shown. I have bolted down more crossroads barreling down the undesired one always fully aware awakening this self was going to take major ass kicking until lessons are done. No easily marked passage for me until I finish my tasks. I am here to complete what I started so many thousands of years ago.

So dim the light around my crossroad and I will stand here until the light of God shows me the way. Dim the light and I will simply learn how to turn up my own voltage. That’s right and if you are here as one trying to keep me or others down with your fancy spiritual language and your I know the answers smile you best know it’s getting ready to rain light and truth up in here.

I am fully aware this is but one of many more crossroads ahead for me and since I seem to be all alone out here I will go first and leave a light on for you.

I maybe broken and stuck but its just for now, just for now!