It was morning, woke up sun shining then I realized it was Saturday morning. I use to love Saturdays. I use to love weekends. But that Saturday Sunday thing gets hard when you are living through the carnage that was once your life.Who gives a rat’s ass about weekends when there is nothing going on and every day feels the same. No kids to dictate my schedule. No husband to run the vacuum around. No project to organize. My life is on pause!
When I was kid Saturdays were awesome for typical reasons, no pain no gain run it out, stay away from grown ups or they would put you to work. As a mother saturday was chore day, let your kids run day, get out of my hair day! Followed by lazy Sundays on the way back to busy Mondays. My life was many women’s life.
Now my life is on pause. I am being alone. Most of the time I am fine with it. Most of the time…..
Being alone on Saturdays and Sundays is very difficult in a couple, family world. Friends happy to see you during the week use weekends to tend to family chores and experience family time. I did.
So now they are 2 very long days for me.
I think on being alone in a world filled with people. How so many people feel invisible surrounded by hundreds of other people. In the beginning of my alone-ness I felt invisible. So when I get tired of being alone I head to a coffee shop or a bookstore. Just being in the company of other humans reminds me of the life I had and the life I hope that is ahead of me. I see these other humans living their lives and I see a lot of people sleep walking through life. I see people whose life story is written in the pain in their eyes. I see the people who ride life hard with aged faces and often young children. I see old people walking bent over with gnarled fingers. I see young people who won’t look up when they walk through the public, fearing judgement of their appearance, color, tattoos, piercings. I see women tired and being pulled by lively children. I see men hoping to leave the store soon, impatient, the game is on. I see fear, I see pain, I see you, I see me.
I don’t mind being alone. To much spiritual wisdom to think I am lonely. What I am going through is the metamorphosis that is called upon when big change happens. I use to say there is always at least 2 choices. When a life altering event happens you can lay down, suffer,become depressed, even give up. I did.
For a time!
I am human my heart was broken my spiritual beliefs rocked so hard I could no longer stand on my broken caving in foundation. I had to be alone in order to answer the age-old question. Who am I and what the hell am I doing here and frankly is this story almost over. Last part added for dramatic effect.Then it was time to get back up.
I am a fighter always have been. Hard knock childhood, teenage pregnancy, blah blah blah, all the story line you would ever need to fill in the badly adjusted poverty mind-set victim of a life that so many people can choose. After wisdom was revealed and truth became my motivator life changed. Completely. Now at this moment on my life path being alone is allowing me to see me, feel me, learn how to be me. I had a life, a life that was full of everything other people’s lives are filled with. I don’t anymore. My foundation blew out from under me because the truth I was looking for was not found in my previous life foundation built from the school of hard knocks and the many lies we tell our selves.
Being alone is allowing me to rebuild my foundation on the very truth I have searched so hard to find. I am invisible to you because for all intents and purposes I am gone. I have withdrawn my self from the life stream in order to do this rebuilding. I am alone because no one can do this work for me. I am also alone because I know it’s hard watching someone go through the changes this kind of work does to a person. But I am knee-deep into digging the holes to reset the new pillars for the foundation of my new life. I am getting ready to mix and pour the concrete. Just try to knock these babies down.