Facing fear!

I am going to do something I meant to do for my 50th birthday. It was going to be a present for myself. With no significant other if you want presents you buy them for yourself. I deserve it after all is my feeling. But I chickened out!

But just a couple of days ago something had me looking at a travel site on the internet and once again I was reminded of the promise I had made to take a trip when I turned 50. That was 3 months ago. The way time was flying by I knew it could quickly turn to 3 years ago.

I had to deal with my fear as the idea of what I wanted and the actual follow through ended up being further apart than I had thought. I was alone all of the time and it was getting hard to do things by myself for some reason. Usually I loved any chance to travel but lately I gave myself any out not to have to go anywhere. Maybe I was getting bored with my own company. I needed to spice things up.

Looking at vacation packages online It’s easy to hit the purchase button on the computer and make it all happen. With a credit card and a wireless connection one can make plans for many cool and interesting things. Everything just one click away. Easy to do on the couch of your home and from the privacy of your bedroom all visualized in the creative dream developed in your mind.

Wait…Once you hit the button it sets in motion a destiny you yourself are creating. An event will have moved into the realm of future possibilities, one of either good times and or horrifyingly bad experiences. I was becoming the bipolar madam of should I or shouldn’t I. Did I want to go or not? Would I be ok so far away?  Was I going to let fear stop me? Plenty of what if’s to think about…

My finger was frozen…stuck hovering over the key…Could I really consider going?

I hit the button as the reality of what I did began to set in.  I know myself and how I operate, so as usual there is no way to back out without huge loss! I am forcing myself to do this. It is time to get off the sofa and make new dreams a reality. It is time to start moving again. I have been stationary far to long. I have waited enough.

So I hit the button and my itinerary is on its way to my email, I can’t believe I actually did it.

the tickets bought, passport found, facing my fear, yeah…

learning to live again, priceless!

I am so tired of that.

It’s Monday. A day that carries no significance to me at all. It’s just another day. I keep this blog just to keep myself going. Where am I going? I have no idea. I am so tired of that.

I watch my daughter in law struggle with my grandson upset with herself for a child whose journey will be like my sons filled with pushing everyone’s limits and buttons. Meaning lots of trips to the principle’s office and a time out chair of his very own. I see her fighting for her own identity surrounded by boys really sure of the importance of their own. It is a daily fight for her. I am so tired of that.

I watch my daughter struggle to be a unique woman in a town of cookie cutter women and no I don’t live in Los Angeles. I watch her fight against prejudice and the rights for her peers. She is a strong presence with an unbelievable use of the language. She doesn’t know if she will ever have a job that reflects what she is capable of. Did I raise her to be strong enough to go for it anyway? I am afraid for her. I am so tired of that.

I watch my son struggle everyday with just going to work and doing “normal” things in a world where his definition of normal is not yours, not even close. He lives with being bipolar in a I’m sorry but schizophrenic world. He thinks he’s crazy and I watch him struggle while no one around him wonders if they’re crazy yet they play the merry-go-round game of life thinking that’s not crazy. Who’s crazy now! Everyday is filled with chaos as he tries to get by. I am so tired of that.

I watch my youngest struggle to fit into a scene that is filled with insecurities wrapped in a cruel mouthed package. Where everyone is happy for you as they hope you fall off your chair leaving your seat at the popular table free for them. It’s a fight to be who you want to be in a world of people who refuse to work hard to get theirs. I am so tired of that.

What a consider to be one of the greatest gifts given to me is my thinking mind. At the same time a few spiritual teachers have said to me “you think too much”. Something, I am sorry, I do not agree with. I might ruminate too much, letting a thought get stuck on the roller coaster of what if’s but, it is generally limited to the big thoughts. I can get stuck on,”what could I have done better?” or “why didn’t I see that coming?” I seldom get stuck on “why did I wear this?” or What are we having for dinner?” Most of all I believe that my 20/20 hindsight must become 20/20 foresight. I push myself in this most uncomfortable of personal times because my spiritual beliefs tell me to keep going. I encourage myself again! I am so tired of that.

I am so sick and tired of getting caught up on “doing the right thing”. Or the complete inability to be able to forgive my self what I would never get upset about with another human for doing. I am tired of watching the struggle around me while trying to keep my own self out of the gutter, all cosy, dark and self incriminating. I see us all doing it. I am so tired of that.

It is easy to forget that way to often it is only through mistakes and obstacles that new paths, thoughts and ideas can come. Necessity is the mother of invention they say. Each time my children come up against these issues in their lives that when they hit mine nearly slayed me I may be tired of it happening but I understand it. I believe I understand it better than my mother whose stay back approach to handling trauma and heartache in my life did not help me at all. I was really tired of that.

I wanted help. I needed help, hell I could use some help today. All my women forebears are dead and gone. I am the first in line, the matriarch of my family. I have no idea what I am doing and after the events that just recently changed my life I have no live person to discuss this unchartered territory with. I am so tired of that. But….

I can be as tired of this as I desire. This is the crossroads of life I am at. I am the master of my own destiny. The years of work I have done searching for truth and my own inner guru paying off in the moments of clarity that are some days more not less. I use my spirituality to live my life and guide my children as they walk their paths well-worn by those of us who have passed before them. I have no guide on my journey now. I thought I would be tired of that. I was for a time because I had forgotten the journey I am on is back to my true self. The journey is me becoming me and how can I ever be tired of that?