Mornings are hard. Mornings are never hard for me but I am adjusting to being awake through my regular night time and asleep during my regular day time. Not to mention that it is just as grey here as it was in Minnesota when I left. It’s winter! So I’ll pull myself from my bed and head into the kitchen area.
Everything I am doing here is like stepping back in time. I heat my water to make coffee, I go to the bakery for my bread, the cheese shop for the cheese, wine shop wine, meat shop meat(if I were eating any), you get the picture. Me carrying bags up and down the side of the hill this town sits on. I know why the French are not fat try walking these narrow streets up and down and all around every time you need anything. My needs are becoming fewer. Then you learn it really takes so little to make a pleasant life. Then there is the loneliness.
I was on a silent retreat this summer. 10 days silence. This is harder by far. Its not silent here it is just communicating exclusively in a foreign tongue has me spending many hours in silence. I am alone here and while everyone is nice it is the polite relationship of strangers. I see people but no one here knows me and though I appear friendly I keep to myself. I have been isolating myself on and off for the last 3 years and the loneliness can be very pronounced. I isolate myself for the intense scrutiny I put myself through when a major change arrives. In my world there is no looking to someone to blame there is only understanding my part and my true motivations.
But it has been 3 years and there is no more scrutiny at least for that which recently transpired. Time baby, it may not heal everything but enough time passes and you will forget. Loneliness is an interesting feeling for me. Honestly I have not spent much of my life alone ever. First of three siblings, my brother born the next year-ish, first of 3 kids right out of high school, married most all of my adult life, alone in my head was all I got. Now I know loneliness.
It’s hard no doubt. But let me tell you this, I would rather be alone the rest of my life than ever put myself back into the clutches of a person, persons, or organization who has no care for me but wants from me what there is to take. This is the alone-ness of self power. I have no need of any one. Now don’t get me wrong I would love to meet someone, fall in love, but in order for the lessons I have learned to stick I need to stick this alone thing out until the day I no longer notice I am alone.
P.s No need to write and tell me I am never alone. I am perfectly aware of the many beings who walk this life with me, seen and unseen. This conversation is from physical Leanne the human-ish one.