Let’s talk about disappointment for a minute. I know all of you wanting to jump on the spiritual bandwagon trying to help me deal with disappointment, it’s God’s will blah blah blah, line up and wait your turn.
I have been fighting with myself for the last 3 years. Pulling myself back from the edge of despair over and over again. Obviously there are big lessons for me here. Pain is that indication, at least for me, the more pain the more important the lesson. Choose what you want to believe, but I feel that getting my ass handed to me over and over again is not me being a bad judge of character but an indication that I have a thought stuck in my head about how things are supposed to be, suppose to go. After a series of disappointments from some men and women both ‘spiritual’ and otherwise I have just about given up in the idea of being social. I just am tired of it, this lack of integrity on the planet. Ok so I was being super harsh really, just protecting myself from the pain of letting someone close just to have them careless about me, really. Acting proactive while being reactive.
Still with me?
I am here by myself as I am at home. This is an intense period of being alone, both forced and desired, depends on the day. Today while walking to school I ran into a couple who asked me if I was English, pissed me off at first, Come on don’t I look French to you? Well she had heard me earlier, there you go! So we stood talking for a few minutes. I got brave enough to ask if they would like to have dinner with me one night. Just like that, right out of my mouth, I never do that!
They invited me to their house for some wine. Awesome! So after class I went back to my apartment to get a bottle of the wine I had gotten at the winery yesterday. Down the hill, back up the hill, off towards the direction he gave me. It became very foggy and cool outside, then it got very dark and I walked where I thought I was to go. I couldn’t see a thing, these freaking dogs heard me tell them to shut up in multiple languages. I challenged them to come over that fence if that wanted a piece of me, I was getting so mad. Where did he say it was? I felt stupid, he made it sound so simple but when I got down to where the turn was there was of course, 3 possibilities. I tried 3 times, up and down, up and down, up and down, in the dark, in the fog, it was no use.
I was so disappointed and I felt rejected by every body. I felt rejected by my God. I felt slapped in the face for putting myself out there, for getting excited not to have to sit alone another night. But alone I walked back to my apartment with my bottle, which is in front of me, right now, open, first glass down…..
I tell you what, if this universe thinks that that small act of screwing me out of a nice evening of good wine and conversation is going to send me back to the hell I just came out of well, you have no idea who you are messing with. You want to see strength, you want to see what, ‘so the f*&k what’ looks like….
See you in Sancerre!