Is that hope?


The sky has been grey all day. It has been hazy, overcast, and drizzly(my word), in a bunch of words, it has been a dreadful day. So on my walk back from class I am overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. It is so difficult to stay up and not succumb to the energy of this day, Friday the fricking 13th.I had tears in my eyes as I finally reached my door.

I did it again, I got brave last night at the cooking class and asked this other female student who is traveling alone if she would like to go to dinner tonight. It’s the weekend and dinner is much harder to eat out alone and there are a few really good restaurants here in Sancerre. We made no firm plans just a, ‘sure sounds like fun’ thing. Problem was this morning.

There is another woman here traveling alone and at the wine tasting earlier in the week I had noticed the rather noticeable signs we lovely women give to each other when you run into a personality that is either threatening or just puts you out of the limelight. I got it, she doesn’t like me. For me it’s the big ‘whatever’, said very dramatically. I’ve gone through so much a person not liking me is as small a thing as a fly buzzing around my head.

This morning both of them together I go over to say hi, other woman walks away, stuck woman has to say I was thinking  so and so would like to go to dinner as well, ‘of course’, I said knowing immediately what had happened and what was going to happen. No real skills needed here.

There are no phones in these apartments if you don’t make plans while together well it’s almost impossible to coordinate what you don’t know. Both are staying at apartments in the school while mine is a distance away. She would have had to make a time right then, leave a note or come down when my class was over which would have been simply down the stairs through the must have a security code door, she didn’t. She happened to say they were going to Paris together in the morning, blah blah blah you get the picture.

I walk into the kitchen area of my apartment just sick over human relations, why do they have to be so hard? I am having this dawning realization that soon I will be as hard as nails, or is it as hard as steel or is it as hard as iron. Whatever! What I do know is there will be nothing left that can move me as I just stop reaching out at all. Do you know what happens to a piece of coal when it is put into the fire of pressure and change.

This blog is called Livingwords11, that 11 is my transformation, this diamond not yet fully transformed has been dumped into a fire that is going to make me so bright you will need shades to see me.

With wine glass in hand tears in my eyes. I looked out my window into this ridiculous day of nothing but clouds, haze and there in the sky, well you can see, the sun peaked out at me. The clouds parted allowing me to see an ever so slight piece of the sky. Was that sun trying to make a last-minute plea, Leanne it is always darkest before the dawn, on a every life a little rain must fall, I am here, I see you, I hear you. Was the Universe talking to me when it seems no one else will? Was that break in the clouds, and it was just a break the sun went down soon after, a message of hope from my creator?

Was there hope in those clouds? It is often all I have, hope…

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