Silly as it seems this line came to me in the movie G. I. Jane. I watched this movie when I was searching for films with strong female leads looking for the courage and strength I needed to forge ahead as just me, a single woman of power and means. On this trip that is the image I am once again trying to hold. Here I have watched both movies about Coco Chanel. Another strong woman and very much a woman with her own voice. If I was a young woman I would so have my hand up saying I want to be one of those.
Fast forward to January 2012.
All weekend long I have been having issues being alone. Not being alone, just that I have worked hard to get over just taking it and have tried to put myself out there and ask for some company, you know stuff like that. Each time was a complete failure. Like that night I climbed up and down the city streets trying to find the couples house who had invited me over, failure, followed by more missed opportunities, I had had enough. After the last time I decided fine, wasn’t going to do it again. If God wanted me to have a social life he/she would have to put it right in front of me.
I woke up this morning feeling just fine. I had gotten dressed last night and had gone out to where I thought a jazz band was going to play, no luck. I either had the time or location wrong, just went back to the apartment and read. Clearly saying whatever, loudly, though not in French. This morning I looked out the window awesome day, sunny, birds singing, I was going to be working on homework and you know how distracting birdsong can be, I felt like I should be out there, walking.
I was having this weird feeling inside of me.
I thought maybe something was up with one of the kids but it was way to early in the morning for that. So I got dressed and for some reason put some money in my pocket, thinking maybe I would get a coffee and headed out. I had forgotten it is a festival day here of some kind and as I looked right down my street there was an open air market going on. I headed over as that feeling in my stomach grew more intense. Kept walking, came to a table with a wonderful cup I just loved it for some reason, got brave asked the cost, in French, bartered in French made a deal, treasure is mine. Ah the sweet smell of success. So I needed money after all, cool.
As I moved away from the table a voice aimed at me, ‘so you missed having a glass of wine with us’. After 2 days of trying to locate their house, finally finding it but they had not been home, there they were right in front of me. We laughed together as I explained trying to find it in the fog, going the wrong way and those scary dogs. I am heading over again this evening for that glass of wine. God had put it right in front of me. I began walking back to my apartment with my treasure and a social engagement.
It may not seem like so much but I had done it. I had kept going even when I didn’t want to. I went outside when I felt a strange feeling, all in all, what I realized was I had stopped feeling sorry for myself and was just doing it anyway. At first I felt this need to be validated just because I had become brave enough finally to live again but, the Universe with all of God’s love put many obstacles in my way. It was making sure I meant what I was doing, that I was really ready even as I understood I may well be hurt again.
And as I walked with the sun in my face, feeling pretty good, the line came right in to my head. I have never seen a wild thing sorry for itself…. this wild thing says me neither….