Fear whispers in my ears

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Jim Morrison

I am moving a mountain again today. This one isn’t made of snow. As a matter of fact it has no physical qualities at all and it is the biggest mountain in my life.

Meet Fear Mountain.

I have been circling it for some time now and as a woman who intimidates nearly everyone I thinks it’s funny that there is another fricking mountain in my way! After the act which derailed my life(a delicate way of saying I had my ass handed to me) I thought my mountain climbing days were over because frankly I wanted them to be.

We have all had throughout our lives patches of difficult climbing conditions and you can’t move through life without climbing some mountains. Though most people would choose hills since they are easier to climb than mountains but that kind of take the easy way out of life does not garner great rewards. The big view is from on top of the mountain. I have seen a lot of vistas from all the mountains I have climbed. And all the mountains I climbed I now know were located in The Rocky Mountains, (get it, rocky life means lots of rocky mountains), Rocky Mountains. It was fear that motivated those climbs. I knew I would never get past the bull shit trapped in them there rocky mountains until I climbed over through and out the other side. Fast forward 50 years and I got to the other side. Whew!!!!!

Fast forward a few months and I realize that coming out the other side of the rocky mountains was just where the trailed led. I woke up at 50 filled with fear facing a new reconstructed life. I wasn’t climbing a mountain and in my life that is all I have ever done. What the hell is going on? Then I looked up and I saw the mountain. Fear Mountain. I was circling its base. I wasn’t looking up because fear was whispering in my ear. “It’s to high this time. There is no way we can climb that. That mountain is so high you cannot see the top.” Over and over again this stupid whispering voice.

So after much debate and a good swift kick to my own ass I am headed up the side of Fear Mountain. First step was a new location for the new road going up the side of what looks like an impossible climb. As I look around everyone else is still milling around the little hills and gnashing their teeth like they are actually doing something besides walking in circles around hills going nowhere. I break from the pack(like I ever walked with one) and head to the real mountain where no one else wants to go. I am heading up this mountain by myself with no living guide. My last living guide was an epic fail.

Who needs a guide! Like we learned when we were children walking is taking one step after another. Faith is knowing the trail will be under my feet and I will have a knowing of which way to go. So I am headed off on my uncharted journey after finally getting so sick of that stupid voice whispering in my ear about how afraid I should be. Just because I don’t where I am going, Yah well hey voice, I am going to the top! I am going to live free!

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