Giving up leads where? tests and trials

There is no doubt some people are more tested in life than others. Part being that there are only certain people who can take huge amounts of tests and trials without wanting to exit stage left or right. I have been screaming this week, I have been so frustrated. It all comes down to being alone without support and the burden it is when you can’t find the help you need. Sounds like a petty thing. Ahh poor thing did you get frustrated this week? Yeah I did!

I am strong independent woman I live by myself and recently relocated for a short time for additional language study. I am using learning french as a touch stone during this transition time between lives. I could  have kept sulking at home but it was getting boring so off I went. But I am here by myself so it all falls on me. Packing moving lifting every box, holding every door, filling out forms, connecting lines, finding food, all on me.

I’ve been doing this most of my life even married a large part of the burden of home life was mine but I did have help, no help now, no help no service. yeah no internet service for 5 days while I tried begged the Apple computer Gods to assist me in getting my wireless router to work. I almost winged it out from the 21st floor. Screaming into the heavens why won’t this thing work, day after day, and this is of course after I already had it working and then the internet crashed in the building, after that my wireless router went on strike, really!

I talked to IT men with their voices pleading with me that I don’t know what I am doing the internet connection is fine, well internet connection is not fine. I would fight with it and fight with it then take time out to plead beg and cry to whatever unseen spirit happened to be around, what am I doing wrong? Nothing? Something? Yesterday I thought I would explode and the thought of death and the release from this stupid existence was actually on my mind. Is this really worth all the pain of being alive to have to be so constantly frustrated and I know I am not alone I see despair on some many faces.

Ah the sweet release of death, no more computer bs, no more condescending voices, no more loneliness on a scale I could not even imagine, how do people live this way? No more worry about my sagging face my drooping arm flab, getting older. No more worries about who will care for me when I am sick, no one does now, No worries about taxes, and insurance and the house needs a roof, a new bathroom, anyone know a contractor? No more am I doing the wrong thing and punishing myself for all the mistakes I made, really did it have to be so many? No more worrying about my kids, wait……

No me in the physical no more kids for me, hmmmm

So I could haunt them,  no that would freak them out, not my daughter but my sons probably do not want to see ghost mom, hmmm… I could leave a letter of explanation, I was pissed off at life took the easy way out see you later, no that sucks, and I was certainly not impressed when my Mom died early, early for me, leaving me alone,hmmmm…

Ok maybe I need to rethink this grave yard adventure, computer bs not worth giving life up, human bs not worth it, being alone all the time, not so bad really, I come and go can you imagine a husband response to yah I’ll marry you but from now on I have to be able to come and go, doubt that would fly, miss seeing my daughter married and my future grand kids, miss watching my sister get old, that will be fun, watch myself get older, I’ll need new glasses for that,pissing my kids off for leaving early, probably a karmic nightmare

Ok you win I’ll stick it out and I’ll keep pushing and I’ll keep taking these life tests and going through these life trials because I can! I beat the hell out of my wireless router today and I didn’t give up and I am sending this post through the internet, courtesy of my own, installed by me, (took 3 miserable days) wireless internet router.

test me all you want life, have you seen the honey badger youtube clip yet? yeah that’s me, I am a honey badger and cemeteries are for later, or walking around taking pictures, hehehehehehehehehehehehhe

One thought on “Giving up leads where? tests and trials

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