Changing lanes and merging back onto my highway


 

After pruning my family tree I am feeling pretty free today. There were some heavy boughs that had to go, limbs that have been weighing me down and making my butt look big, I hate that!¬† Well I am changing my tune, singing a new song and really loudly. I am certainly not buying into old thinking anymore. I am cutting away everything old, this may mean my hair, haven’t decided yet. But I do know I am changing lanes on my life highway.

I promise to have my turn signal on because I am driving fast. It’s hard to watch for you slow drivers, you vacationers, I am on my way somewhere and I have the need for speed. Now I can’t guarantee that I know where I am going as a matter of fact I don’t have a fricking clue so maybe following me will not be a good idea, unless you are into new places and new adventures.

So while I am merging back onto my highway I am asking what is life about? You keep hearing, we are here to serve, we have to take care of ourselves, we are here to learn, we are here just because. There are spiritual teachers that would tell you just about anything you need to hear to keep you coming back for more, more what?

When do we choose to believe what they taught us to begin with, that there is a greater force in the universe and it is leading us where we need to go of course that’s when we are moving on “our” highway. I don’t think spiritual teachings have done us a bit of good trying to get us to believe there was something we had to do, or ways we had to do it, or a specific road to take. Knowledge is power and it really is all in our minds. Read up on quantum physics and you will learn there is a greater order in the universe, that’s right people we are not in charge if we don’t want to be and yet we are in charge when we do and sometimes at the same time, freaky stuff.

I think we are here to learn and experience. What I learn that helps me through the day is something I think it is best to share. It leads to good karma and an energy flow that I can move with and not have to swim against. I think free will is the answer. Do what you desire set your intention and when you experience trouble check your motives and adjust your thinking, change lanes when necessary.

Spiritual religious leaders would have us believe there is something to fear yet it is a vast universe and to my limited knowledge there has not been a “human” being yet who has the slightest idea what is really going on. I think we need to rewind our internal clocks and monitors and do the thinking for ourselves. So I am changing lanes. I really do not want to be on your highway, no wonder the view has been so bad these last few years I was on somebody else’s road. By the way they need to resurface their road and add a few new restaurants, maybe a gift shop or two and then maybe a new town followed by…OK so I think their road needs to be closed rerouted forgotten, Guilt and shame road now closed turn ahead for renewed highway. Get back on yours and I’ll get back on mine. I can’t believe I ever got off, but I did, damn those road signs I was sure it was my exit.

So I am back on the road. It’s my highway, I made it, it’s my dream so why do I slow down behind you, you think that flashy car of yours is fooling me, my car beats your car any day, on my road…. The reason the roads are so crowded is because we all want to be on the same road, somebody said it was cool awesome popular, “the way”. It’s not. Get on your own road, make your own rules, let the wind blow the cobwebs out of your mind.

I think I will just focus on being back on the road for a while, just focus on driving, moving , going, doing. Funny I know my daughter will laugh when the better part of last few years was spent moving me from one side of the US to the other and back again. Like a rolling stone with a Uhaul under our feet, cat under the seat and a car up on a trailer. I look good behind the wheel and my life began to look better from the rear view mirror. 20/20 hind sight and all. Everything was meant to be, blah blah blah!

It’s the view ahead of me I am excited about. I would tell you about it but it’s my view from my road and I bet your view looks just as good, if not get on my road I drive so fast there’s nothing but empty lanes behind me and I have designed as many off ramps as you may need to find your way back to yours. Oh and I don’t charge for being on my road, toll booths on life highways amount to highway robbery you don’t pay someone else to be own your own road. The price you pay is found in the kind of car you drive and how that car performs, but that’s a different story! This story is a major lane change I’ll talk about my awesome car another time.

See you on the road, that’s me straight ahead…

 

Pruning the family tree

Pruning the family tree

 

I was with my family of ancestry this weekend and I found myself face to face with what has been the base of my family tree. These people were the seed carriers for my DNA line and the seed distributors for my beliefs. My family tree didn’t look so good. Family is a tricky word for me. It is defined as persons sharing ancestry or living together as a group. These days as people marry and remarry into families there comes a time when they become part of the family tree. They are like a grafted limb forced onto the original. Grafting a limb onto a tree is an art and it can be difficult to get that tree to continue to grow. I realized my tree needs pruning. Yup that tree didn’t look so good.

I am old school about family trees. I use to believe that our family of origin is important and often the only thing that we have that is constant in our lives. I was taught to be loyal to my tree I had it to thank for life. But a diseased limb can destroy a tree. I now know why Jesus said often that we must forget our earthly families, leave them behind, prune the tree.

We are born into families you can’t do much about that. I was taught to be loyal to my family and what I thought was funny is that this is not a trait found in my family. My family is mostly a do for your self, cover your own ass, take what you need, and please do not bother me with your problems kind of family. I thought my problems were a weakness, I should have known better, and I was taught shame, how could you act like that, think of your family… funny how the mind works…mind control that is.

Family in today’s world is what we make it. We surround ourselves with people who care about us and actually understand the term unconditional. Now I am not saying there are not bad limbs on all family trees and they have to be dealt with but the tree should have a wisdom about it to know whether or not the limb is bad or just sick and needs tending. Can you imagine a created universe with a judgmental God. So as soon as you did something seen as shameful and wrong towards your family you would be put in time out eternity style, “sit there until you know what you did was wrong”, wrong in whose eyes? Hey you doing the said judging, watch out for that stone crashing through your glass house.

There can be no peace in a family that does not have love at its base. Unconditional love that allows for all kinds of limbs and most certainly new limbs and the complete acceptance of gnarled imperfect limbs. Like all things in the natural world we need love to thrive, you might think it is food and water you need to survive, you tell me how long you want to live if their was no love on that tree anywhere for you. No love, none, just desperation, separation, desolation. You would find trees falling down everywhere.

Life reaches for life just like branches moving towards the sun. Branches that have no sun die. Some branches die because of bad behavior of their own and that branch will wither. Best to cut the branch off before it infects the whole tree. Sometimes its just a branch with a bad attitude and it can only learn how important the trunk is as it watches from the ground disassociated from the tree. The tree goes on living and the branch becomes food for the tree as it is reabsorbed back into the ground. Try again little branch.

I am pruning my tree as I saw way to many of its branches with a withering dis-ease. They have forgotten to reach up towards their creator where it’s very life blood comes from. For as the tree rises further up to the sky the roots which hold it fast to the ground are fed from below nourished by the earth. The same earth that will let it go when the tree roots forget what is holding it and it falls to its death

We are trees that must remember our maker. We must rise up towards the heavens of understanding. A good tree feeds all branches equally until a branch signals a problem. A grown up tree will try to let go of a bad branch knowing the importance of doing it for the good of the tree, there will always be new branches but once the tree falls it must wait in spirit until the seed it sowed so many years ago grows and fills the now empty dream. I prune my tree for longevity for the many other branches eager to grow. Branches that will bear new fruit new seeds and learn to adapt to changing times changing environment. Only the fittest will survive.

I am an old growth tree that only just saw the vastness of my tree. I had lost sight of my entire self stuck concentrating on fixing branches that simply need to be pruned. So much energy lost but a mighty lesson learned. I am the tree, they my “family” are just branches on my tree. I need not keep them there. I am a vast tree moving out of the dream of my limited family trees view and I move myself further into my powerful tree self. I rise up to the heavens to see how high I can go. I reach deep down into the earth to keep myself grounded in the truth of my reality. As I breathe in the heavens fill me with light and the earth fills me with purpose.

Ahhhh, it feels good to prune my tree. And hello to all my branches, my children, my friends, my family and to the new baby branches I welcome you. Breathe in and I will breathe with you become a self-serving branch and I will prune you. This is a vast unlimited tree so come and be a part of my forest.

Oh and check your tree it might need pruning too!

 

 

being calm and just doing it


I, the self-appointed queen of my world is traveling to Florida this weekend to be among my people. I will walk amongst those who I have not seen in many years. People who knew when and do not know me now. Is that a queenly thing? Am I not suppose to keep it all a mystery the where I’ve been and what I have been doing?

There is something I have to confess, I love mystery. I love meeting someone having a moment then disappearing. I have no need of anyone knowing who I am or what I do and if you ask me I may never give the same answer twice.

I as the Queen gave birth to children with similar needs. We are individuals incapable of being ‘just’ ordinary. I find an ordinary life to be absolutely boring. I love the thrill of not knowing, the challenge of what if’s and what could have been and well you shouldn’t have said that and I would have stayed. Now I am gone.

It takes great courage to thumb your nose at convention and lead your own life, walking your own path, living with gusto knowing as you may fall on your ass with lots of people watching, whatever! I am the Queen and I am just doing it.

I so want to be free to live. I so want to be free to love, and love the one I want and the way I want. How do you know how great my love can be when you are telling me how I should live, how I should show you love. It took me years to figure out that often God does not gives us what we want because what God has in store for us is so much more awesome than the small-minded thing we think we desire. I want a car, God wants to give me the world of my intention a gift, a world of me.

So I crowned my self Queen of my world. In my kingdom I am free to be me, faults and all, awesomeness and all, big butt and all, come on everyone loves a big butt. I am the Queen. I call it for my world and I call the shots(and pay the fricking bills)

So as Queen of my world and you are reading this that makes you a part of my kingdom, wait, Queendom. So I decree that everyone that is within my reach who has the (cover your ears delicate ones) balls to live, be yourself, be it proud and loud, I grant you your own Queendom or kingdom to live in and be your self.

Let’s get out there people and be the royalty we are. I going to a reunion of sorts, seeing family and friends who have no idea who I am, the old me would have run. Now as the Queen I will be holding court for all who would be free. No more being intimidated about whatever. Come, follow my lead. Many others are so much more comfortable living their live through others, sacrificing the gifts given to them. As a mother I get that as a Queen I forbid it.

My children need a Queen mother not a woman scared to live. My people need a Queen ready to fight for their freedom not a carbon copy of what is already been. It is 2012 and time for the new. Oh I am not afraid I am not discouraged with the state of the would hell, I am staying calm and just doing it, I am the Queen. Need someone to crown you, let me know. Crowns come in every size! I had mine specially made to fit my awesomeness though most don’t seem to notice it, hmmm, might need to add some sparkle, glitter maybe, lots of jewels, yah that’s it….

So all you would be Queens out there be calm and just do it…….

Weakness is our downfall


I am realizing more and more that my weaknesses are the very thing holding me up. Like so many women of my generation I believed in the old ways of what women roles are, mother, servant, slave.

I keep wondering what I am supposed to do. What am I waiting to do. Then there it is. Just like a woman I am waiting for what, permission, ideas, permission, a direction, permission..

Yeah I think I must be waiting for permission. I must believe that I need someone to tell me that I am ok, or that I am doing ok, going the right way. Yah, who is it I am waiting on to give me permission. So Stupid!

I have been so lonely these last 3 years yet I am so very certain I have needed the break and a big break from my old life was the only way to go. I have to quit doing this. So old! So tired of it! And I guess that is the key, same ole I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I also am very tired  of waiting on others to do the right thing. Or to do what it is I need to be ok,

God that makes me so mad. How do I show my daughter empowerment when I continue to lament about what happened to me using anger and the ever popular poor me. My fricking weakness, (look what happened how can I be expected not to be out of mind) Allow a weakness into your head and it will sit there and take up residence. Get the hell away from me said weakness!

Why do we do that? Ok maybe you don’t but some of us do….

 

Sowing seeds


It’s Sunday morning and after a very long week I needed a boost to keep me going when the reality is I am about done. Done with what? Well interesting that you ask…This last week was difficult. And in difficulty I found myself ready to give up.It gets very fatiguing to constantly hold all the balls in the air and deal with your personal bull shit at the same time. I am the mama bear in my family and the last line of defense, you want to hurt my family then you must go through me and just let me say few have had the nerve.

I also work really hard combating what is in my family genetics and for my birth family par for the course. We deal with issues of the head and mind. We are way to smart for our own good, we think too much, we think way to fast and we want everything at lightening speed. We battle depression bi polar condition, addictions. Sound familiar? We also have big hearts and are the kind of people who lend a hand and each of us have had that said hand slapped, hard.

My eldest Son is bi-polar and it is a rough life. It is a rough life for all of us who help him and he does the best he can, brain chemistry is a tricky thing. I digress. It was issues with this son and his family that has plagued me this week as I watch his constant battle one I fight with him and I got tired of the fight. As a mother I stand as a vibration holder for him, when he moves away from his center I use my vibration to help steady his. I got tired this week. It is hard work and my own life is no picnic right now,my loneliness gets me so hard sometimes I can’t breathe.

Back to this morning. I went to bed last night just done. Tired of feeling such pain and heaviness in my heart and really feeling forsaken by God. Hard sentence for me, my hope has been all I have had this last 3 years. I could not sleep I kept waking up this song playing in my head was making me cry over and over again. Then I woke for the last time and it was 7:24am I never sleep this late. I have a show I watch on Sunday mornings it starts at 7:30.

I went right for the tv remote and my show started. This preacher talked to me the entire half hour just like he always does. Surrounded by thousands at his church watched by millions he is only talking to me. Awesome right? Anyway he went on to say that when life gets hard and it looks like everything is going wrong sow seeds of that which you desire then the universe/God will deliver blessings to you. Now we have all heard serve man. I was once taught that to serve was the highest calling but for me when everything was taken away I had no interest in serving man. It was man who ruined everything for me in the first place.

It was how he said it that resonated. When I dip down my life in order to help my son I often forget the line between what is his and what is mine. As his mother I think it is all mine and I am responsible to always be there and help. Not so fast, often this man said, as we act on others as we would have them be, this vibration begins to run through our lives as well. So it is not a matter of what it is that is troubling us or our families it is what we do that gets a response.

You want sunshine in your life sow seeds of sunshine in the lives of others. When you experience financial problems give to someone in need. Dealing with depression help someone out of theirs. Feeling sadness then make someone else smile. Feel like the burden of the world is on your shoulders go to the internet and look at the state of the world and believe me your little crap looks like gold that day. Like “they” say it can always get worse might as well hope for the best.

So today I am sowing seeds. Everyone I come across gets a hey how are you doing? I helped the wheelchair woman with her laundry. I laughed with the gas station attendant when I bought my coffee. I feel better. I feel better.I talked to the laundry attendant way past wanting to but he seemed lonely too!

Sowing the seeds has been used so much I don’t really think of it any more but the principle that sending out the very vibration you need can bring it to you well that’s a valuable reminder of the principal of serving. I don’t have to volunteer. I don’t have to have special skill and I don’t need life to get worse just so I can have perspective on an issue that hurts me. I need to sow seeds of peace into every young man who is suffering like my son. I need to send light to every woman who is dealing with loneliness. I need to send light to all the families raising children sorry people but it is the hardest job on the planet hands down. I need to send light in to places where people are scared for their lives. I need to pray for the sick and the lonely the neglected. I need to sow seeds into the lives of others. So I will!

Breaking into song…”sowing the seeds of love, the seeds of love, sowing the seeds…

 

I am pulling my hair out…


I am pulling my hair out. I cannot understand what the hell is going on. Yesterday I strained my back by putting on my shoes. Yes that’s right by bending over and putting on my shoes I immediately tore something in my back. Boom down I went. There went my week-end. Pain with every step. Funny how life works, right?

I had to walk to French class so slow because every step was agony, been there? Yeah it sucks. Especially if you have to walk through crowds of people. Can’t they see I am in pain? Isn’t it exuding out of my pores, come on people! I had to side step humans. I had to watch for the door slammer in front of me. These people who have no clue that every step is making me want to end my life by stepping into traffic. Dive off an escalator. Falling down stairs. I should have just turned around. But, no, heaven forbid I do what I need to do. It’s my job to sacrifice my comfort, I said I’d be there, I was already out the door, all said very self-righteously!!!!!!

(I am going to pull my hair out when my back stops hurting and I can reach my hair! Right now it I lift my arms it looks like I have a “problem” and it sounds worse)

Then of course the ever-present real reason for the self-torture, to give up on my walk would be a problem since I have this reunion thing I am supposed to go to. (I am so pulling my hair out back hurting can’t stop it now) I am freaking out over not having the right clothes, weighing way to much, looking fat (is that the same thing?), neck fat (different thing) arm fat, (f*&k arm fat) looking old, seeing my father, what if my old boyfriend shows up, What about the other guy I had a crush on? What if nobody notices me? What if no one talks to me? Why am I going at all?

I am pulling my hair out….Should I color it before I pull it out?

(No wonder my back went out. How can anything hold up that much anxiety?)

As if the wind can sense my pain it screams for me. The wind is howling so loud out there today. It blows through what is left of my hair. It comes screams through any crack it can find, causing a constant rattle and whine, as I write this there is a strange sound, What was that? Oh yah the wind, What the hell was that, oh bloody hell, the wind…Is it going to blow the windows out, good God I can feel it from here, is that you God????? It is scary in here!

Hmmm, my head hurts from pulling on my hair and my back hurts less. See it is just like they say, if you stay in the present moment you will only be in bliss,whatever…

But that wind keeps blowing the windows… it sounds like someone is trying to get in… I’m on the 21st floor…they can’t get in right??? The cat will stop said intruder right???? I don’t mean her, I mean the cat that likes me.

I am so pulling my hair out!!!!!!!

Walking with others


In order to combat loneliness one can spend time moving in crowds, walking with others. Moving in a sea of people is strangely comforting as there is an almost intimate act that goes along with rubbing elbows with your neighbor this human walking right beside you, waiting at the stop light with you, riding the elevator with you. This human is in your private space (if there is such a thing on a sidewalk or in an elevator) and it is hard to ignore someone you can hear breathing right next to you even as they completely ignore you. But ignore, we do…they do… most do….

Hey guess what? Those of us who might be lonely are looking around at you who are walking around engaged in your life. You walk with such purpose and often like you are the only one walking. There you are with your head down focused on your smart phone, or earphones in walking at a do not disturb pace, rarely do you see the ones walking head up checking out the surroundings we are actually watching the world go by. We are the ones who side step to get out of your way. You never see us…

Because you would never recognize us even if you were looking. That’s us the one’s ready with a smile while holding the door for you, that’s you blasting through it. That’s us waiting for the green light rather than flying through traffic to get to the other side 10 seconds earlier, that’s you 10 seconds earlier, to the next light, Hehe. We are the ones content to wait our turn even as you cut us off at the “express”check out line, with your 12 items no less, or we are the ones you nearly run over as you come around the corner driving your car talking on the phone never once looking up. It’s ok, I see you! Thank God, I do not look good squashed!

By the time I return to my apartment I feel as though I have put in a full day at the office. How many times on my walk do I send light to that person as they cut me off never once seeing me? How many time do I bless a person when they ask me for money every single day? It is as though they have never once looked at me but I see them. How many times do I stop myself from speaking to the young man cutting off an older woman at the door? Yet one time I watched her do it herself? Way to go granny! I saw you!

I can walk in a crowd and never once say as word to anyone I see, yet I may have talked to every one of them. Sometimes I can walk in a crowd feeling completely alone and soon see those around me that are surrounded by people yanking on their arm wishing they were all alone. There is no answer to what brings peace or defeats loneliness and what may work today might change tomorrow. But what we are assured is the rising sun bringing a brand new day.

Tomorrow I will again walk through the crowds of people never once looking up at me and I will send them light. Tomorrow I will again combat loneliness walking the streets, walking with others, reciting the mantra I am not alone.