I am pulling my hair out…

I am pulling my hair out. I cannot understand what the hell is going on. Yesterday I strained my back by putting on my shoes. Yes that’s right by bending over and putting on my shoes I immediately tore something in my back. Boom down I went. There went my week-end. Pain with every step. Funny how life works, right?

I had to walk to French class so slow because every step was agony, been there? Yeah it sucks. Especially if you have to walk through crowds of people. Can’t they see I am in pain? Isn’t it exuding out of my pores, come on people! I had to side step humans. I had to watch for the door slammer in front of me. These people who have no clue that every step is making me want to end my life by stepping into traffic. Dive off an escalator. Falling down stairs. I should have just turned around. But, no, heaven forbid I do what I need to do. It’s my job to sacrifice my comfort, I said I’d be there, I was already out the door, all said very self-righteously!!!!!!

(I am going to pull my hair out when my back stops hurting and I can reach my hair! Right now it I lift my arms it looks like I have a “problem” and it sounds worse)

Then of course the ever-present real reason for the self-torture, to give up on my walk would be a problem since I have this reunion thing I am supposed to go to. (I am so pulling my hair out back hurting can’t stop it now) I am freaking out over not having the right clothes, weighing way to much, looking fat (is that the same thing?), neck fat (different thing) arm fat, (f*&k arm fat) looking old, seeing my father, what if my old boyfriend shows up, What about the other guy I had a crush on? What if nobody notices me? What if no one talks to me? Why am I going at all?

I am pulling my hair out….Should I color it before I pull it out?

(No wonder my back went out. How can anything hold up that much anxiety?)

As if the wind can sense my pain it screams for me. The wind is howling so loud out there today. It blows through what is left of my hair. It comes screams through any crack it can find, causing a constant rattle and whine, as I write this there is a strange sound, What was that? Oh yah the wind, What the hell was that, oh bloody hell, the wind…Is it going to blow the windows out, good God I can feel it from here, is that you God????? It is scary in here!

Hmmm, my head hurts from pulling on my hair and my back hurts less. See it is just like they say, if you stay in the present moment you will only be in bliss,whatever…

But that wind keeps blowing the windows… it sounds like someone is trying to get in… I’m on the 21st floor…they can’t get in right??? The cat will stop said intruder right???? I don’t mean her, I mean the cat that likes me.

I am so pulling my hair out!!!!!!!

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