There is a lot of waiting in life. Just as it takes 9 months to create a new life and a woman will count each day and in her last trimester it’s all about the waiting waiting waiting. Exchanging emails with a new beau waiting waiting waiting. A phone call about a job, a kind word when you are lonely, standing in line anywhere, waiting waiting waiting.
I think about the characters in the bible that had to wait so long to get anything done, wander through the desert for 40 years, lots of waiting, 30 years to be king lots of waiting, you’ll have a child one day and when you are old, waiting waiting waiting.
I have to keep these things in mind as I sit in the waiting room of my life, waiting waiting waiting. My problem arrives when my natural-born self, my mother’s daughter, the take care of everything, world on my shoulders, is expected to sit back and watch things play out. No, not me I asserted my will upon the Universe. I was constantly bargaining with God about the kids, about where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. I now realize that I thought I was at a crossroads but the reality is I am at a way station. I am not waiting for anything. There is nothing to wait for. So my life is on pause, waiting waiting waiting.
In the world of Divine Spiritual Wisdom that I was taught there are 2 ways to go through life, 1. Work to co-create what it is you desire, keeping in mind, thy will be done, 2. Let go and let God knowing that everything is God’s will, (please do not get hung up on the word God, it’s easier to write than Creator of the universe, and all the new age ways to say ‘that’).
I used number 1 for most of my life, I imposed my will, sent my energy out there and asked to be guided, a lifetime habit of being in charge of my life starting at such a young age. Ahh youth!
I have tried lately to keep with the mantra that God (the universal energies, see what I mean) knows me better than I know myself and as I believe, we are here to tend to specific issues for our spiritual growth. So my pushing my way through life has gotten very difficult and is probably my next assignment to conquer. You mean you are waiting for me to let go! That’s what I am waiting for? Hmmmm
As I have said before my eldest son is bipolar and I have directed my will into him and his family. I now know I can only ask, it’s God’s will what is going to happen, very difficult, I want to save him, them, everyone. But alas control is such a ridiculous concept, self perceived and unreal. I have to pray and let go, hard hard hard, I keep waiting for him to do the right thing, I want him to do the right thing, why will he not. I want his wife to do the right thing, hard hard hard, Waiting waiting waiting!!!!!!!!
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. The only way through this part of my life is waiting, time heals all things, or my new favorite line, everything always works out in the end so if it isn’t working out it’s not the end yet, awesome, and right from God’s mouth to my ear. Waiting waiting waiting for God.
This ends up being an incorrect phrase. The universe knows what I need, what my son needs, I have no need to sit in a panic, worry myself grey, (oops already did that), or give it another irrational moment. I am waiting but it is not a bad thing. My will has gotten me through some very rough years. I used my will to find money for food for the kids, to keep relationships going, to create the car I wanted and the house I needed.
But not anymore, it’s about waiting now. Not waiting in a bad way like stuck on my butt, but, 🙂 waiting to see where it all leads. I have too much wisdom to doubt the process anymore. I see, my eyes are open, and when I know it is time I will use my will again for what ever and when ever and where ever I am called to go or do. Once I know then I will