I find one of the most difficult things for me to do in this stage is to make a decision. To make a commitment in any direction immediately puts me on my defensive. I feel like I have done nothing lately but make mistakes. While trying to walk in wisdom I see that I am often practicing avoidance. Underneath the everything is all right exterior is my interior way to full of indecision. What do I want?

But that is exterior talk. Down deep within me is the answer I seek. No one really wants to walk through life being told what to do and how to do it. That comes later after we are broken. When we are children we desire to explore and to see for ourselves even if we end up with scrapped knees. But if our knees get scrapped too raw we will stop seeking and look for safety especially after our scrapped knees turn bloody. When we do not have a balance between my way and your way believe me someones knees are getting bloody.

Once that happens one will often say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and lose the last piece of I want. Life moves from an outward get what you want life to an interior life masked by smiles driven by hidden motives. There is no real power in teaching everyone what you want is what they want, no really, I was thinking take out food too, no really I was hoping we would go out, again, no really I was needing some company, no really I want another child…

You talk to someone, do you know who you are speaking with? Do you see through their hidden motives? Saying “everyone does it”, leads us in their phrasing to see things their way. They lead us with their smell, “you smell great” it draws us their way, they lure us with their lies, “no really you are the only one”, and without even being aware of it we are being led by somebody’s hidden motives. Really, if you are not doing what you desire to do, you might find you are living someones life other than your own.

I walk past these young people doing ‘charity’ work, you have seen them standing at street corners waiting to accost you as you approach, once you recognize them by their clipboard of signatures and hopeful grins, you cross blocks to avoid them. Yesterday I look up and I am caught, young girls with clipboard smiles, I say “I am just passing through”, she said, defensively “all I said was hi!”. I laughed. She said something shitty, under her breath,(the young), I turn around, she says, “oh you want to talk now” I laughed again, hidden motives! It’s not me she wants to talk to. It’s whoever put her on a street corner holding a clip board with a fake smile and words filled with hidden motives.

Hidden motives have kept me stuck in time and space. It is not that I cannot move on it is that underneath the strong exterior is the little girl still waiting for some prince charming to come along and make everything better. Rescue me damn it! Hidden motives must be dug through for truth and fear. What holds us back keeps us from life’s best. Real life is filled with trials and tribulations and it’s ok to make mistakes, she says loudly to herself. I take slow steps forward and what holds me in place our the hidden motives deeply embedded inside me but once looked at by my clear eyes of truth they have begun to slowly untangle.

Do you know your hidden motives?

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