She’s a married woman now

She’s a married woman now

It has taken me almost a week to process the events of my daughters big day. The look of happiness on her face made every minute of so-called upset totally worth it. I was also blessed to be the officiant of the wedding of my daughter and her wonderful partner Jeremy. That Sunday evening was a beautiful time that celebrated the love that Natalie and Jeremy share with each other. I witnessed it. I saw his face when my daughter made the turn at the end of the aisle and in that moment as she stood suspended in time only her eyes moved as she looked to meet his. It was an image of the budding intimacy between the new couple. It was lovely and sacred. We were all witness to the exchange. Both of them were overwhelmed by what they saw and what they felt. It was palpable you couldn’t help but feel it. Ahhh love.

It was also a day of great healing as their father and I laid down our differences and decided to proceed down our path together with our children in peace. He has a new woman in his life and it is wonderful to see him happy after so many years of apparent unhappiness. Each of us are due some peaceful times. My children have gone through so much over the years and much of it the fault of their father and myself. Now I believe we all deserve a time of being not always having to be doing, a time of thriving not always just surviving. It has to be my families turn for success, and above all a time of peace and joy.

It was this thought that gave me pause when I saw this picture of the newlyweds at the reception. I realized it is the generation of my children who will be the ones who heal the wounds of our past generational ills. There has been so much dysfunction and pain in my family. So much abuse, so much ignorance. But now we are at a time of the silver lining. Our families will be healed by my children’s desire to be partnered and parents and it will happen as the next generation continues to make an appearance. There will be lots more babies and the appreciation of the newness of life will be reflected in their brand new eyes. Yes it is a time of healing. It is a time of love.

As I gazed at the picture I felt my heart swell for my daughter and I also felt a shift in how I now saw her. I had not expected that. My son is married and has been with Tana I think 14 years. Tana has made a relationship with my bi-polar son possible. I love that he is married. It helps him and it helps me. She also gave me my grandson that great big ball of light that lives in my heart. They are a family and my Grandson is school-aged. They had a wedding and everything. In my mind I rationalized, I have already gone through this process of losing a child to marriage. So why does it feel so different to have my daughter married and having been the one who welcomed them into their new life. I kept wondering why it feels like such a huge difference?

I think it is because she is a married woman now. On that Sunday morning she was my daughter and by that Sunday night she was somebodies wife. Everything will change. She will now be in charge of a growing family unit. She will soon desire to go through the huge transition that is bringing babies into the picture. She will share her inner self with her husband in a way she no longer will with me. How odd! There is now someone between my child and myself. Unlike my son who still stands next to me only ever a phone call away. A role he cherishes. It is different with her. She will now have to differ to a husband and she will learn to dole out her time between us. And I as a good mother and mother in law I will always differ to him, really, yes, of course, really, no fricking way, no, of course, yes, what ever they want. I will be a good mother in law, (fingers crossed on the just in case).

Oh my God my life is happening on a completely different part of my life’s timeline. Wow, more silver hair.

Two of my children are married and my youngest son is happily employed in his field in California. I am standing at a crossroads on my own path just as my kids have moved to new locations on their own. The tree of life is in motion. The seeds I have nurtured are moving into the next stage of their very own trees. My seeds have laid down roots and are beginning to sprout their own seeds. We will be a new grove of many diverse kinds of trees. There will be such a variety that great creator will be most pleased with what I have done in my lifetime. Creator will be pleased with what I have done with my riches that my life has been so blessed with. I can’t help but believe that children are blessings given by God and they are our greatest contribution to humanity. So people love your children well so they may in turn learn to love others and more importantly themselves equally well. Let’s get back to remembering and understanding our longevity is found in our family lines and the stories we tell our families and the stories they will tell about us.

Pathways and passages

Pathways and passages

I was walking yesterday through another part of my neighborhood. It is my favorite thing when I am in a new location to walk through the neighborhood and learn all about it. This part I was in is a magical area where the houses are old and grand. It is the kind of neighborhood I dreamed of in my twenties, it represented the kind of life I wanted to give to my kids. I would walk through those neighborhoods dreaming of which house would be mine. I did it again yesterday, still wanting that life I never seemed to be able to have.

As I continued walking I realized no one was home. Like all the other neighborhoods I have desired to be a part of, those who were a part of it were almost never home. It was all manicured lawns, just right color schemes and brand new porch furniture. Beautiful flowers in beautiful pots. Breath taking views, big back yards and nobody home. I was there enjoying what they had strolling through their neighborhood, maybe they were walking through mine. Security vehicle, again, note to self, wear best walking clothes for said neighborhood…, do not stop and stare so much…

On my return I spied a path through the woods and headed down it. I am one who desires to know, where does that go? I walked down the path and instantly I was in the quiet of the woods, surround by dense growth and in the shade of huge trees. I walked down the path and realized I had already walked too far and needed to get back while I still could and turned around. The path had turned into an uphill climb with the sun whiting out the view up ahead. It was beautiful, the path told you nothing of what was up ahead but the sunshine drove you towards it. The trail was my life and the life of my family. We are all moving onto the part of the path we have seen but not ventured on.

My daughter is getting married on Sunday. Her path is being joined by another, it makes my path wider. We are lifting her up as she starts on her journey. My son lost his footing on his path earlier this week. It happens from time to time. we all step to the side as we send someone to get him, we bring him back, we lift him up. My youngest will be home, his path has leveled out, for a moment, we hold him up. A good path always has hand holds for those prone to slipping and slip we all do.

In life as family we are all on a path. Some are the way showers with lamps on their helmets, some stay close to home raising the children keeping the hearth fires burning, and some are following behind, their turn is coming. We are all on a path that we can sometimes see and sometimes not. But there is always someone who has gone up ahead and that someone may have blazed your trail so many yesterdays ago that you have had no idea that they were there. Someone puts the hand holds up, someone finds new trails and always the path can be seen when you so desire to see it. Remember the best paths are sometimes hidden.

You can most certainly bet that this path I am on is going to be well-tended, and well-lit because that is my family walking behind me and my family is much larger than you think. If you bleed red then you my friend are part of my family. Watch for the light and follow us…. the light up ahead is blinding but I know it leads to awesomeness.

New York, New York

New York, New York

I am traveling today with my daughter and we are headed to the big apple, my favorite American city. Natalie has a birthday tomorrow and is getting married on the 24th. It dawns on me that this is not just a mom and daughter birthday get away this is the last time we will be together in such a carefree manner. Next time there will be a husband to think of and soon there will be children to tend to and getting away even for a day will be difficult. I remember those days well.

So we are headed off to walk the streets of New York knowing we are passing through a doorway of time. Ahh how interesting to be in this space with my daughter. When I became a mother I thought of this day when I would watch my daughter’s life change in such a profound way. For us to allow another person or persons to be in our space, sharing every intimate detail of our lives and then taking on the responsibility of raising children, this is big. We are very private people and these things are a very big deal for us, to choose our other, and the other parent for our future children. There are those of us who share ourselves as teachers but you will rarely see anything we don’t want you to see. If we have picked you to be a part of our inner circle then you have done well.

It pleases me to have a daughter to share my life with. Someone to understand life through another set of eyes with. I am starting my journey as a single person after nearly 49 years of being in relationships of one kind or another and rarely by myself. I am learning the silence of the first moment of the day to the stillness of the very last. Where there was once so much noise there is now only silence. There is no one to listen in the night for, everything has changed. I am only now understanding the depth of the change I am going through. I look over at my daughter and wonder if see knows the profound change her life is getting ready to go through.

As we both approach this next crossroads of our lives we know we have each other and that is awesome for me. And here’s hoping for a granddaughter someday then our mother daughter trips become three, yipee! How blessed we are to be able to share our lives, and even more blessed are those of us with families who love us and allow us to be who we are, when ever we are, just as we are. Look out New York there is a love fest coming to town!