The blessing of children

The blessing of children

My daughter got the pictures back from her wedding and I looked through them first with a critical eye on how awesome I looked. After a moment of vanity I continued to look and I came across this picture of my three kids. I was struck by the passage of time. I just stared at it. These are my children yet not children anymore. They are grown and beginning their lives. They have become their own beings. This picture is a snapshot in time. Just like all the pictures of their youth.

I had my children young and through the years you live and move and have your being and time flows. I kept my nose to the grindstone busy living life. Every now and then I would look up. I looked up and my eldest was starting school I looked up again and my youngest was moving across the country. I look up I have a grandson I look up and my daughter got married. Moral is stop looking up! Time moves, things change. I look up and my kids are living their lives, great job Mom!

The really interesting thing about having children is watching how the DNA moves through each child, how they look, their mannerisms, and later their gifts. It has been like watching varieties of myself walking through three other people. But it was their father and I who shaped them and led them down certain roads and through our divorce some roads were dark. Some of life’s roads are dark no matter how you look at it. There is not one person who can get through life without dark roads. Though it hurts my heart terribly to think I turned my kids onto dark roads that they may never come off of, like the bipolar road my eldest son lives on.

As I have lived my life with many mistakes taking the dark road sometimes by choice it helped me handle my kids on their dark roads. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes I would tell them this while we navigated a dark patch on my road. It was always my children who saw the roads less dark than just a road. How were they to know then our life was not the same as others? They did not. It us what keeps them from being just ordinary now.

Many families with dark roads traveled theirs often in stupid secrecy, we talked of ours all the time. The dark roads we roamed on were the dark roads of many others. The dark road of poverty and lack, the dark road of illness and pain, the dark road of addiction and loss. Unlike some Moms I waved our crazy flag so they would recognize it within themselves and know it was ok. There is no life on this planet not hurt or consumed with dark roads and dark passages but it was always the children that made the journey worthwhile. I kept telling them there had to be a light road ahead. It is only a child who can find joy in such simply toys as my kids had and being ok with used clothing. It is children that think it is fun to walk to the park or stroll through the mall for fun. Children always see fun if we let them.

These children of ours have seen so much. And I admit sometimes I would go back in time and erase some memories. Those moments fill with me with such shame. How could I have allowed that to happen? said over and over again. But it is my own experience with my mother that brings awareness. Had she not been so hard on me over and over I would have never been able to deal with three such diverse children with diverse needs at such a young age. I made my Mom a grandma at 39, she was not impressed. My son made me a Grandma at 43 I couldn’t have been happier. Her dark roads were long and terrible and she drug me along a lot of them but those dark roads came to me again when my son began having so much trouble and before long I realized I knew this dark road and suddenly I had the strength to go on.

To this day the blessing of my children continues to strengthen me down my new roads. They continue to forge new roads for themselves some I have yet to see. When we walked together down long dark stretches of our life road they kept me company, they kept me going. So on any road they care to travel I will walk it with them when they ask, I will stand on the sidewalk and watch when I am not. But I will be ever so excited to see the new road they construct for themselves having learned that often dark roads are dead ends and once we know where they are we can stop traveling down them. They will have their own dark roads unsharable with me as they add husbands, wives and partners but with that much experience under their belts they won’t be old worn out roads but new unexplored roads. The light in their hearts will lead them on.

For me during this time it is the light within my children and frankly within every child I see that lights up the world for me. When I am near children I see such light in them it makes my heart leap for joy and my face hurt for all the smiling. As long as their are children in our world we are blessed whether they are our children or not, it is the blessing of children.

Dear World

Dear World

Dear World,

I am very disappointed today by recent events. There has been way to much violence in the news and on social media. The level of hatred towards others on the planet makes my heart hurt. Can you not feel that your ignorance and lack of information being a problem for you? Why is it that your world view has to be so small and so narrow? Yes, I am talking to all of you. If someone does not talk about this you people will continue to think what you do does not matter and who you do it to matters even less.

We are all in this together. No matter how rich the rich get many still separate themselves from responsibility towards those less fortunate than they are. The pop stars and sports stars have so much that a token of their bounty could be shared with the schools that helped them or the communities they grew up in. I know lots do, most don’t, and many who make money here head out to other places you know just to make the billions go farther. So many good souled people think that helping those outside our borders has become more important than helping the children that live within our own. Our people are starving, have no clean water, no shelter and no food. Our children need more from us, they need good schools, good communities. It is a tragedy to me, why not to others?

We as people, voted for ourselves and our comforts over those whose lives that are put in jeopardy for the satisfaction of our needs. We step on people’s toes and lives to get what we want. The more we do it the more it is done and the wheel of life goes round and round. Right now there are people in our country who would vote a billionaire into public office because the president didn’t do what he could, said you, No one can put a house in order that has been allowed to be in disorder for so long. No person climbs out of debt in a day or year it took me 5 1/2. War has never been the answer to anything. Are we ever going to evolve?

We as a country have been the laughing-stock of the world, that is not funny to me…. There is no one race that should be a laughing-stock to another. All of our countries would unite if some alien race came and tried to take over but put a foreigner in your neighborhood you figure they need to get the hell out and a huge divide would erupt. We are not united as a people we are divided.  Wouldn’t it be a better place if we could pin point the one race that is causing all the problems, like a bad algae on the lake it could be done away with and boom, all is well with the world. And then hell would be frozen over and taxes no more! World I am tired of the stupidity. I am tired of the people not being able to discern that after all these years of death and birth there is still no understanding that we all bleed red, we all die(physically), we all want to be loved, yet you are a nobody, you are less than a nobody, because of, sexual orientation, race, belief, color, creed, money, really people, stilllllllllllll.

People of the world let’s try to believe in something again, I have a better idea why don’t we start believing in each other again.

Planet World I feel your pain as the humans have torn your skin, dig stupid holes in you and shoot stuff into you, take everything there is to take, give almost nothing back, then stand around and boo hoo when you start throwing us around. If I were you I would have thrown these humans off a long time ago, you have so much more patience than I. But World I do sometimes see evidence of those new humans who know that life is a precious gift and all of our lives are important, every life. And Planet World once you are done knocking some of us off, burning us out, drowning us out, we will start again and I swear the next time we will try harder to keep our eye on the prize. A beautiful life on a beautiful planet surrounded by people of every color and designation for a vibrantly cool existence.

World It is time to Thrive!



This to shall pass

This to shall pass

This too shall pass because this is only temporary. This day is only temporary, this is Wednesday July 11th and this day shall pass. And tomorrow will be another day and no matter the importance of this day or the next day these days are only temporary. She says to herself over and over again trapped on the wheel of time and plagued by a cloud of not knowing. I am lately stuck moving through time like I am swimming in thick waters.As hard as it is to swim in these waters they are my life and breathe so I must continue.

The heat of the sun and the energy of the people so tired of the heat and oh so tired of the relentlessness of their lives that they exude an almost violent aura meant to keep us out or drag us in. Whose fault is it that we are in this mess? they say without words. Where was I lied to that my path led me here and not there? The humans marching through the days and hours do not know where they are going or even why they feel the need to go. They often go nowhere at all circling the same places like caged animals waiting to escape their capture. They are like crazed animals only now aware of their cage. Am I a caged animal? But then this is only temporary and the wheels of physical time move forward with turn offs for reflection examination and frankly visualizing before the fountain of the creative mind. We are who put us here and again it is only temporary because we know this too shall pass. It always does though most of the humans are tethered to their responses replaying what hasn’t yet worked thinking repeating must be the answer, why change what is not working? It certainly is not their fault if it is not working. Enter the blame game.

The way to stop progress on the this too shall pass railway is to assume (making an ass out of u and me) that repetition is movement. Spin in a circle long enough and stop, the world continues to move. This is not movement but an excuse to sit down and ponder your mistake. Yes this too shall pass but without your effort do you believe this so? Really? A little like I’ll lose weight by taking a pill. I am rehydrating with iced coffee. There is no get out of jail card for ignorance. Innocence yes, ignorance no!

The road of this too shall pass is paved with many bright ideas and thoughts. The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun. Funny thing is there is sun today passed the clouds of your limited mind. The sun shines relentlessly trying to get our attention reminding us that this to shall pass. Just like the day passes into the night the spring into summer. The energy movement of our spiritual maturity is but a breath away and in that moment is the revelation that yes this too shall pass, praise God! I let it go so it can pass and I know the sun will come out tomorrow wether I can physically see it or not. To pretend otherwise leaves the wisdom teachings in the books they were written in rather than on the lining of my heart where they are etched.

The only moment is the present moment. This moment and this next one and again this moment shall pass. The greatest gift we give ourselves is complete faith in the unknowable tomorrow. Be still and know that I am God. It says it all. In this moment is God, in the next moment is God, and so yes this too shall pass. As it passes it will blow through us like the breath of God it is. Strong and powerful and very mysterious and we will often not know from where it blows or why. But we can rest assured that this too shall pass and each moment is both eternal and when marked on a physical clock only temporary.



I hope you had a wonderful 4th. It was a hot day here but from my high-rise building I could see fire works going off all over the southern half of the state. We celebrated our Independence Day with great fury and then I went to bed. As I woke up this morning I felt like I had been invaded through the night by a person with great anger. After noticing said foul mood I went to work in meditation to rid myself of the feeling.

It’s now 7am time to start my day, coffee, the newspaper, Sami walking down the hall while I fetch my paper, his small measure of freedom. While watching the news I realize I am no better off than I was when I woke. This usually means one of the kids is having a bad time, maybe my sister. Nothing from them, the feeling persisted. I became aware of what Sami was doing. Every minute he was around my feet. He was crying and nothing would settle him. I became more frustrated and it became hard to tell, Was he reacting to my upset or was he feeling something of his own?
What Sami knows to do when he is upset is to suck his blanket. He cries and I walk him to his blanket and I rub on him while he attaches to it. This gigantic cat puts his head in the blanket completely locking out the world and begins to suck himself better. Right, self-soothing, we all do it either with food, drink, sex, shopping, tv, whatever we all have our ways of making ourselves feel better. I am all for his small acts of self soothing. If it works!
After sometime I realize he is around my feet again, the first self sooth didn’t take, so take 2, take 3, by now I am ready to explode. I am having my own issue and as a grown woman there is no blanket for me to suck on. Time to hit the meditation mat again, this time I added chanting. It wasn’t him, Sami didn’t have the problem, I did and he knew it, and he kept after me until I could nothing but comfort him. This time I moved my mat to him with my chanting music and I began belting it out, for him, and for me.
It was not 2 seconds after I started chanting that my entire inside self was crying, racking sobs, like I had just lost my best friend. I was crying so hard and chanting and soon I began to feel that sob like an ugliness hiding in me. It was dark and trying to choke me. I could barely get a word out of the chant before I was nearly howling. Praise God everyone was at work I am sure the police would have been called as a woman was apparently trying to sob to death. I could not stop yet even during the cry my mind was telling me, wow, what the hell is going on? I knew this was a little over the top. I kept chanting and I kept crying. I kept releasing and singing to God, Wahe Guru Wahe Guru Wahe Guru Wahe Jio, My God My God My God My Soul. I sang to the heavens as my heart broke into a million pieces again… The depth of that cry is still beyond me. Until the word transmutation came into my mind.

I got up and looked it up. Transmutation; the action of changing or the state of being changed into another form : the transmutation of the political economy of the postwar years was complete.
• Physics the changing of one element into another by radioactive decay, nuclear bombardment, or similar processes.
• Biology, chiefly historical the conversion or transformation of one species into another.
• the supposed alchemical process of changing base metals into gold.
There it was. The ‘supposed’ alchemical process of changing base metals into Gold.
I was aware that in my conscious mind while I have a lot of grief and loss this was way beyond a normal response to a Thursday morning much less a needy cat. I kept chanting as the rhythm of the chant moved me away from my physical self, at last I could see beyond my mere emotional response.
We are energy beings. All of our responses, our pain, real or imagined are sitting in our energy field every minute of everyday. Trapped thoughts and emotions that could find no resolution become stored for a later time of hopefully wiser contemplation. I think of them as energy balls, some are big, reflecting big emotional events. Some are ugly and painful to look at. It is trapped pain. Also within our energy field is the trapped dealings of our past stuff still biting us in the backside in this life. These energy balls can well up and cause problems like gas in your belly, you need to be burped. Those trapped energy balls need transmutation, they need to change, be released, and let go. These trapped energy balls of hurt, pain and loss must be transmuted. Until they are these energy balls will cause you problems and times of unreasonable emotional out burst.

I sat through my chanting, crying, sobbing, and smiling at Sami as he sucked and looked at me crying. I closed my eyes as the next chant started, Be still and know that I am God, over and over again. In my mind’s eye a river of emotions is flowing from my solar plexus, heart and throat, like black goo. In that moment I knew I was to change that goo, it was an out pouring of all the hurt still trapped, so many betrayals, all in the past, not yet completely released. I continued to chant as I used the energy of the words to lift my energy and change the color of the flow moving out of me. I was exchanging loss for love. I was transmuting that energy ball that seemed to have me by the throat releasing it back into the creative energy field, I was transmuting it unto love. I was an alchemist turning my base materials into Gold burning myself through the fires of love.
Ah love, warm and fuzzy,  the color pink, the smell of roses, my cat’s soft fur, the sound of my children’s laughter, the sight of my grandson’s smile, my own self trying to master french, but I find I am now mastering so much more. Through this time of transmutation, my moving from one state to another greater state of self, grace and light and peace healing my broken heart. I read in my book today “Without a broken heart, it is said, we can go nowhere.” My heart is smashed into a millions pieces I am going places people. And I am on my way, gold everywhere I look. Can I have an amen!!!!!!!!

Hidden depths

Hidden depths

I was walking through the neighborhood again and started out on a trail and around a bend was this small body of water. It was nearly covered with this green growth stretching across the little lake. There was a small dock so I walked out on it and as I reached the end that dock moved, it moved… after a small scream I flashed on that you tube clip of the wedding party that went in the water as the dock they were standing on gave way. For a brief moment I wondered what if that happened to me? Still water is very deceptive. Is it shallow, deep, gooey at the bottom/ Does it have live creatures, or the ever popular leeches?

After coming to a complete and utter halt not even a breath I begged the dock to hold while I backed off of it. I might have been hot but falling unannounced into water I do not know the depths of or the inhabitants of seemed a losing proposition for sure. I was not chancing any kind of water creature rendezvous. I backed out safely while uttering prayers to every being known and unknown just to keep my butt dry…

After the near miss I looked back and the water was undulating from the movement. It looked so cool I walked right back on that dock kneeling done to really get a good look. Just like a child drawn to something unknown I immediately wanted to know more. I looked around for sticks and drew in the water, letters would form and disappear moving through the algae. It was awesome. The child in me was so free and really I didn’t even notice just how taken I was with what I saw I was so in that moment, time stopped, it was so hot and the sun so hot that the shade of where I was standing kept me in place just watching and fooling around. Small birds flew in and out it was very much like being completely alone on the planet.

In my meditation was I was thinking of how much I miss having a teacher. I ask each day to be led, all that thy will be done and all. Waiting and Waiting. I was thinking I am wasting my life, nothing is happening, I am stuck here not knowing what to do, or where to go. Big loud scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Knowing all along when the time is right I will know what to do just as I always have, faith people!!!

In the spiritual tradition life is a waiting game. Most of our time is taken up with the mundane tasks of life. Very few and far between or the great mystical experiences we all so desire to have. How much of my strength is built up through the days of doing nothing just being. How much of an inner life am I in touch with when I am busy in my day. Everyday can be a special day when looked through the eyes of the present moment and the gifts found in those moments. I reminded myself of the depths within me still waiting to be mined. Like that small lake with its water’s depth hidden beneath a still small layer of algae hiding the life sitting right below the surface. It is what we are, hidden depth, something we can only know when we sit in silence with ourselves. We must each mine the field in which we move and have our being.

There is so much more going on than any of us know right below the surface.