I hope you had a wonderful 4th. It was a hot day here but from my high-rise building I could see fire works going off all over the southern half of the state. We celebrated our Independence Day with great fury and then I went to bed. As I woke up this morning I felt like I had been invaded through the night by a person with great anger. After noticing said foul mood I went to work in meditation to rid myself of the feeling.
It’s now 7am time to start my day, coffee, the newspaper, Sami walking down the hall while I fetch my paper, his small measure of freedom. While watching the news I realize I am no better off than I was when I woke. This usually means one of the kids is having a bad time, maybe my sister. Nothing from them, the feeling persisted. I became aware of what Sami was doing. Every minute he was around my feet. He was crying and nothing would settle him. I became more frustrated and it became hard to tell, Was he reacting to my upset or was he feeling something of his own?
What Sami knows to do when he is upset is to suck his blanket. He cries and I walk him to his blanket and I rub on him while he attaches to it. This gigantic cat puts his head in the blanket completely locking out the world and begins to suck himself better. Right, self-soothing, we all do it either with food, drink, sex, shopping, tv, whatever we all have our ways of making ourselves feel better. I am all for his small acts of self soothing. If it works!
After sometime I realize he is around my feet again, the first self sooth didn’t take, so take 2, take 3, by now I am ready to explode. I am having my own issue and as a grown woman there is no blanket for me to suck on. Time to hit the meditation mat again, this time I added chanting. It wasn’t him, Sami didn’t have the problem, I did and he knew it, and he kept after me until I could nothing but comfort him. This time I moved my mat to him with my chanting music and I began belting it out, for him, and for me.
It was not 2 seconds after I started chanting that my entire inside self was crying, racking sobs, like I had just lost my best friend. I was crying so hard and chanting and soon I began to feel that sob like an ugliness hiding in me. It was dark and trying to choke me. I could barely get a word out of the chant before I was nearly howling. Praise God everyone was at work I am sure the police would have been called as a woman was apparently trying to sob to death. I could not stop yet even during the cry my mind was telling me, wow, what the hell is going on? I knew this was a little over the top. I kept chanting and I kept crying. I kept releasing and singing to God, Wahe Guru Wahe Guru Wahe Guru Wahe Jio, My God My God My God My Soul. I sang to the heavens as my heart broke into a million pieces again… The depth of that cry is still beyond me. Until the word transmutation came into my mind.
I got up and looked it up. Transmutation; the action of changing or the state of being changed into another form : the transmutation of the political economy of the postwar years was complete.
• Physics the changing of one element into another by radioactive decay, nuclear bombardment, or similar processes.
• Biology, chiefly historical the conversion or transformation of one species into another.
• the supposed alchemical process of changing base metals into gold.
There it was. The ‘supposed’ alchemical process of changing base metals into Gold.
I was aware that in my conscious mind while I have a lot of grief and loss this was way beyond a normal response to a Thursday morning much less a needy cat. I kept chanting as the rhythm of the chant moved me away from my physical self, at last I could see beyond my mere emotional response.
We are energy beings. All of our responses, our pain, real or imagined are sitting in our energy field every minute of everyday. Trapped thoughts and emotions that could find no resolution become stored for a later time of hopefully wiser contemplation. I think of them as energy balls, some are big, reflecting big emotional events. Some are ugly and painful to look at. It is trapped pain. Also within our energy field is the trapped dealings of our past stuff still biting us in the backside in this life. These energy balls can well up and cause problems like gas in your belly, you need to be burped. Those trapped energy balls need transmutation, they need to change, be released, and let go. These trapped energy balls of hurt, pain and loss must be transmuted. Until they are these energy balls will cause you problems and times of unreasonable emotional out burst.
I sat through my chanting, crying, sobbing, and smiling at Sami as he sucked and looked at me crying. I closed my eyes as the next chant started, Be still and know that I am God, over and over again. In my mind’s eye a river of emotions is flowing from my solar plexus, heart and throat, like black goo. In that moment I knew I was to change that goo, it was an out pouring of all the hurt still trapped, so many betrayals, all in the past, not yet completely released. I continued to chant as I used the energy of the words to lift my energy and change the color of the flow moving out of me. I was exchanging loss for love. I was transmuting that energy ball that seemed to have me by the throat releasing it back into the creative energy field, I was transmuting it unto love. I was an alchemist turning my base materials into Gold burning myself through the fires of love.
Ah love, warm and fuzzy, the color pink, the smell of roses, my cat’s soft fur, the sound of my children’s laughter, the sight of my grandson’s smile, my own self trying to master french, but I find I am now mastering so much more. Through this time of transmutation, my moving from one state to another greater state of self, grace and light and peace healing my broken heart. I read in my book today “Without a broken heart, it is said, we can go nowhere.” My heart is smashed into a millions pieces I am going places people. And I am on my way, gold everywhere I look. Can I have an amen!!!!!!!!