I dreamed a dream that I was fish in a pond.

I am a large fish because my spirit is large yet I swim without a care.

I swim in waters that do not scare me and though I never know where I am, I know I am where I am supposed to be.

I feel the water as I float through it. I feel the water like I feel myself. The water slides around and through me it bothers me not it is here to serve me and my needs. I have no need to ask for anything. Everything is right here.

I swim with others that are like me but they are not me yet maybe they are. I know who I am so it matters not to me who they are or who they think they are. Sometimes there are a lot of us swimming sometimes just a few, it doesn’t matter to me. Sometimes there is a threat to our safety sometimes not, it doesn’t matter to me.

I give birth to others like me yet I have no care for them, that job is for somebody else, I must swim. I may provide something for them, these my eggs, my being, my self, but I will swim away and think not of it. I will let all my children die if it must be that way. If I have laid them somewhere unsafe, it must be that they were food. It is not for me to say and I could do nothing about it any way. I am just a fish.

I am a fish and one night I had a dream.

I dreamed a dream that I was a human born into a family something I do not understand. There was all of this pain. Why all of these feelings of loneliness and discomfort? Why are needs so hard to meet? What happened to the simplicity of my life? I swam and did not have a care and now all of this pain.

I dream of being a fully grown female human and next to me our my children and I sense that they are in pain. I feel it inside of me something I did not feel as a fish. What is this thing in my chest that causes so much pain. Can it be removed taken out, is everyone suffering like this everywhere? How do these humans do it? All of this suffering. You can’t just shut it out. I can’t go deep into the sea where it is so quiet I am here where it is so loud. What happened? Who put me here? Is this the hell I learned of so long ago.

I continue to dream I am human and the dream changes. I feel the fishiness of my being. A fish lives life right now, a human can live for now or later or never or always, so many choices. As a fish I did my own thing I thought of no one or anything. Though I knew my food was always around I knew not how. This night as I sleep dreaming of my human self the experience is different. I know nothing. I know fear and lack and pain. I do not like being human at all, what a stupid idea to be forced to have such horrible experiences I would rather be a fish and be eaten than suffer the way humans who think suffer. How can a human not suffer when through the breath alone you can feel the suffering of everything around you. No I do not like being human at all.

I wake a fish, oh how glorious the forgetting. Yet I sleep again.

Again, I dream I am human. This time upon realizing I am human I squeeze back the fear to see around me to the other humans who are doing it, you know being human. I see my children around me and I watch myself this time. I see that I feel the pain around me but I am aware of something I did not notice the first time I had my dream. This human when suffering reached for her chest and rubbed the spot of pain, they call it the heart and according to legend the heart is the seat of their creator. The rubbing is a call for help knowledge that suffering is a way to the heart, something many others humans have forgotten. What makes the humans human is the heart. Though the fish and others like the fish have a heart for pumping it is not like the heart within the human.

This heart makes the human reach for her children and hold them tight to her though she knows the pain this act will cause. She has no caring for her own self. She will step in front of trains. She will climb the highest mountains. She will willingly accept what ever is asked to tend to her children. She will spare no expense she will waste no time. She will not go quietly into the still night, this human will call out to her God and she will demand the moving of mountains, the destruction of worlds. NO this human will not be stopped. It is as if she has no idea how small she is in this world ocean of people everywhere. How does she know that her God even hears her? Does she care? Can she care?

When the fish has this thought it is the human who responds. I am as you fish I swim in an ocean not of water but of air. I swim through a current of Divinity though my brothers and sister see it not. I am a human filled with forgetting and held by a hand that cares not of my remembering. Unlike you fish who swims in the sea moved by a current not of your making I move through a vast stream of life pushed by my free will and with right knowledge I can guide where I go. Though I am human and it looks like we forget ourselves as you fish do my awareness of the hand that guides me gives me peace. My life looks hard to you but my heart makes my life beautiful to me. Suffering or not to know my God is to know the smile on children’s faces.

I am a fish that swims in a pond so nicely taken care of yet in the night I dream a dream of a human who has a mighty spirit and that mighty spirit has a big dream.

 

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