I was walking down the hall of the new building when I came upon a smell. It held me at a stand still while my brain went through its scent’s inventory trying to identify where the memory was coming from. What did that smell remind me of?
It must have been important because in an instant I was transported to a time and place I couldn’t remember but I knew it just by the feel of it. It was very familiar and it was connected to that smell.
What was it? It was just on the tip of my mind, I could just about reach it, what was that smell?
Ah yes, I remember now…it was just a smell, yeah I remember now…
It was him, my lost love…
I remembered full force what that smell was linked to and I was like a jet engine on reverse trying to get the thought to stop. Oh the mind and it’s wicked ways to make us remember feelings long thought buried just to have them return in an instant. Any smell can transport us back and forth trough time and memories both good and bad. No need to linger, unless the memory is sweet. He is gone but for an instant he was there and I had to wonder how I felt about that?
All over a smell in the hallway. Next it will be a song on the radio she said reaching to turn off the radio, enough remembering for today…

Old shirt new shirt

The ego is our enemy there can be no doubt. The ego just loves to ruin our day. For me there is nothing more disgusting than being dressed and out the door just to learn upon seeing your reflection in a window that the outfit in mind is not the outfit on. The clothes at first glance that seemed to be cool and hip turned into a fashion faux pas and one begins tumbling into the abyss of despair. I am in LA there can be no city more vain or more concentrated on the physical form and how it is dressed. Being dressed correctly seems very important out here.

I have an interesting relationship with clothes I see them as self-expression I see them as art. I know them as practical but I hate that word practical. It’s practically boring. Anyway back in my no money days and when my kids were small we hit garage sales for new fashions, goodwill, and thrift stores. That way you could dress as an individual without breaking the bank. But of course only us cool kats did that and later we learned to hide the fact we wore used clothes because in some circles it was and still is seen as gross. To me it has been and still is treasure hunting. The other day I found a treasure the next day I wore it.

Proud of my new look I hit the street in search of breakfast and got nailed as I caught my reflection in a store glass and looked up to see how everyone else was dressed. In that moment I forgot myself and everything about myself I was 15 again and awkwardly aware of how wrong my clothes were and I just knew everyone would know I had bought the top used and I forgot my Louis Vuitton bag and now I feel stupid. The first store I go in the women treat me like I have a hole in my head why would I be in their store. Now I feel stupid and bad.

This is where I hit the pause button on my DVR. I have been in this emotional f@&king trap hundreds of thousands of times. I have let mountains of time go by feeling bad about how I look and what ever was happening around me just became background noise. I have lost moments I can’t get back worrying about how I look. How stupid does that sentence even read???? So as my DVR was on pause and I went through the scenario of stupid thoughts I decided to stand up and wear what I had on as if I loved it and I had chosen it. I had found it and thought it a treasure so I would wear it as a treasure. Emotions adjusted I hit the play button on the DVR and restarted my walk.

Next store clothes still not for my body, sales woman knew it, then I knew it, but this time all calm and sweet me saying thank you as I left, out the door saying to myself ‘ok I can do this’. Next store I walk in looking around sales woman approaches me, “I love your shirt”, she loves my shirt, my treasure, she thinks it’s cool too. Next store same thing again this time the guy sales person, ” I love your shirt.” A young guy even!

There it was when I turned my thinking around and loved the shirt because I loved the shirt the power attached to my mistaken thought around my ‘used’ shirt went away. When I took back the awesomeness of my shirt then others saw the awesomeness as well. Well it was probably my awesomeness in the shirt but that shirt is awesome and so am I.

Stand up

I am sitting in another town trying to decide on the turn I feel coming up on my path. Most of my adult life if I change my driver’s license to match my address I will move soon after that. This last time I didn’t even think about it until I got my new license in the mail and as I looked at it I knew I would be moving, again.
I have moved a lot in this last 3 years. Obviously I am looking for something or running from something, that’s not it, running to something, maybe that’s it, I am certainly not running to someone and I have quit running away from someone else. I am getting tired of this present stage of things. The waiting room of life has gotten stale and boring, what the hell do I want and why the hell don’t I know. Said with as much I am so frustrated as I can get into words. Sound familiar?
My guess is those not on the hamster wheel of life are feeling the same thing. Half the world is asleep and not paying any attention and others are simply looking for ways to make a dollar at someone’s expense and there are the noble ones lost thinking anyone is listening to wisdom anymore. How do you teach people who have more fun being miserable and complaining about it. News flash self-improvement is hard work and can’t be done with a pill, sorry drug companies. I think the only answer is doing the internal work to change your thinking but that seems like a pipe dream in a society hell-bent on having a good time or whining about the bad times, no one doing anything, just talk, talk, talk.
Every morning the sun comes up a sign of hope for me that this stage is almost over and the whatever I feel in my craw will make itself known. I have to say it is frustrating. Right now I feel a general unrest, people are unhappy and really don’t know what to do. It is hard for people to stay centered and it seems avoidance has become a real choice, people really, I keep hoping that we will see the grace in maturity. The ability to look on someone younger and know their story and know that their plight is just a step on the road of life and by the way the road of life is like a roller coaster ride, you can’t see the drops until your strapped in with no choice but to fall.
Life is hard there is no doubt. I wouldn’t want to go through anything I have gone through if I had had a choice but my life wouldn’t be where it is if I hadn’t. We scorn hard experiences yet it is the hard experiences that mark our road of life and in many instances it separates the girls from the boys and the women from the men. When we look for leadership it is from those who have walked the path of difficulty and didn’t do it with a of poor me attitude. Sorry people but it is time to stand up, grow up and do what you need to do. I am tired of the adults on this planet standing in line for the get out of life card, hey none of us want life to be hard but some of us don’t get to sit down when it is. Are you standing up or sitting down?
There is nothing new going on we haven’t in our evolution had to do before. When the time for change is on people change, those that don’t take off to other lands, without their bodies, it will always be a survival of the fittest kind of thing. You are either going to change and rise up to be a part of the new world or you will be left behind on this level of who has more, who can take more and the ever popular who can be the biggest asshole.
The women on the planet are on the rise, finally! We have waited for far to long to stand up and take back our families, our towns, our countries, and then we are coming after the planet. The women are going to stand up and be who they need to be for their families. It has to do with power, self empowerment and the uplifting of our people it will not have anything to do with how much you weigh or how “pretty” you are. Our beauty will be measured in just how awesome we are.
I am awesome hear me roar. Now, let me hear you roar!