Closed Doors

Would you know a closed-door if you were standing in front of it? What about the closed doors in your mind? And the doors that are closed, did you close them or were they closed for you? One of the big spiritual lessons is waiting, patience and all of that stuff us humans love to hate. We wait for doors of opportunity and lean into dysfunctional doors. Most of the time we are drug kicking and screaming through our lives balking against the very thing that is necessary for our growth, learning to open and close doors not having them opened and closed for us.  Problem is that we humans are sent down here to learn to negotiate our own doors not cower in fear or roll around in ego, this is not a vacation people. Most of us would agree life is often a shitty mess. No wonder lots of humans are looking for a way out and most through the door marked sex drugs and rock & roll. Not the answer.

One of the precepts of Kabbalah is to do what is difficult first. We eat our vegetables before dessert, we meet someone move into a committed relationship and then have children, we get out of the way of huge storms, there is a natural order of things.This natural order allows a slow opening of awareness and wisdom that then can be utilized for a successful life. But we must be able to know where and when doors are opening and closing around us. As in most things humans need help finding their way through doorways and help seeing the doors themselves. People seem to have a hard time with the knowledge that you are being led and fight like troopers trying to make the world bend to their will. Poor little foolish humans. We have just a little human will, the universe is working with a will that has a pretty big capital letter W, Universal Will. There is a bigger picture running like a movie we can’t stop so we are best served figuring out the rules. All the well wishes on this planet will not stop this storm getting ready to beat up the east if it is meant to be.

When we can’t see the doors in front of us the Universal energies are happy to oblige by opening and shutting doors right in our face and behind our backs. Found anywhere and at anytime doors will open when you least except it, like awesome opportunity, or doors can close so fast you can feel the wind across your face, you were fired, a loved one dies, Door closed!

But like the old saying goes when one door closes another door is opening. A door closed for me yesterday, a door I needed to close. As usual you think you might know where opportunity will come from and I have been almost desperate in my desire to see an open door. But doors can’t open until other doors are closed. While I waited with bated breath for doors to appear I ignored the power of the door I left open. I left it open, it wasn’t really open at all, but in my mind it was like an escape hatch, a place I could go just in case, the PTSD effect of always knowing where the way out is. Ah spiritual mind traps.

Until the door in my mind was closed there would be no further progress but plenty of nightmarish bull shit stuff to go through. SO my advice start looking for the open doors that need to be closed or get ready because someday the door you thought to be your escape hatch will be as closed as it ever was. You cannot go backwards through doorways without harm to yourself and your family. We move forward through new doors. Growth people, real growth is forward moving. So the door shut yesterday and I heard it but my little queen of de-nile self pretended she didn’t hear it. I saw it this morning, I also heard it and ran into it, damn big door.

For me it’s a needed relief. I needed to close it myself but it was a door tied to family and so-called obligation and in all of that I forgot myself. I left a door open that was hurting me and I had stop recognizing the sensation as pain. It just became known pain and I as a mother just dealt with it as that is my job. This is why people are fired from jobs, when we don’t see the bigger picture and its time to go, we will go either willingly of our own volition or you can start listening for a huge slamming sound, a door is getting ready to go.

I am excited for the first time in probably 3 to 3 1/2 years, that’s how long it has taken for every door that was left open to close and since there were so many left open the sound of the slamming has been deafening so I stopped hearing it. I am guessing as the dust sent into the heavens from all the doors slamming takes a moment to settle I will finally see the open door that was there all along.

Let’s shed a little light on the subject

Let’s shed a little light on the subject

Recovering from my near death experience (she’s a drama queen) prompted by the flu I have gained a fresh perspective on something going on in my life. As a teacher there is this push inside of me to do ‘the right’ thing, whatever that is. It is important for me to be real, to walk my talk. In every moment I try to keep my eyes up and forward to shed the light of wisdom on what is going on. I try to look for the bigger picture in every event that happens. It is a lot of work to keep different aspects of my life from becoming personal and affecting me physically. You know like it just did, she types while reaching for a kleenex.

Through my spiritual work I have come to understand and I mean I have a very deep knowing that the things that are happening in our lives are dual in nature. They are both lessons for the person the event is happening to and lessons for those who have to watch it play out. It is very hard to watch societies killing each other and no less watching loved ones being self-destructive. It can be difficult to maintain the strength to keep an eye on the bigger picture when all you want to do is take over the situation and make it better, or at the very least make it stop. As if you could!

It is a funny thing with humans, you can tell them exactly what is going to happen if they perform a specific action and watch them do it any way. It is as if you are speaking another language to them. Their ears become deaf to your words of wisdom and in those moments comes the real test of faith. I think this is the reason one of the first steps in alcoholics anonymous is to recognize that there is a power greater than ourselves and this is the issue right here. Sometimes we humans get involved in things that are in the end spiritual issues way beyond our understanding and/or our business whether it be in our family or in the world. Our greatest need is to be working at our own liberation. Let go and let God lest he turn his mighty gaze in your direction. I don’t need my house bursting into flames…

How does anyone think to know the mind of God? And really, can there be only one interpretation of the one God, only one way to live a righteous life when there are so many different faces of man and man’s experience across the wide world? Why is simple logic so hard for humans? A dog will not pass an electric fence line because it understands the consequence but a human will go back and forth across an electric issue in their lives and wonder what the hell that pain is all about and is there a pill that would take the pain away. People will blame their neighbors nationality or lack of nationality for the ills of their country and sometimes they are not even living in their own country. Right now with a presidential election coming there is so much finger-pointing and denial it is embarrassing to watch the unfolding story of he said, he said, he promised, he failed. They can say what they want we are the ones who suffer.

As I continue my hunt for the great mystical truths I find that it is said over and over again, that the kingdom of God is within us. When we search the world over for the answers that drive our heart we are in effect running away from ourselves and from God. When we begin the search for wisdom worshiping at the altar of our own hearts then the real work of the spiritual human can begin. Until you realize that everything around you is a story developed for your growth you will continue to get caught in the trap of believing the story you are living is the truth. Think back in history and remember to what we humans have ‘believed’ across time. The only ‘real’ truth is ‘your’ truth. This truth of yours has been gathered by the events of your life. So when someone claims to understand your plight when you can see the silver spoon hanging out of their mouths, ask them how could that be? Know thy self!

What we know is our experience. How we grow is in how we react to the experiences of our lives. I cried bitter tears when my son called repeating again the same old story. This time I held the line of my word and right in the face of fear and through my tears. I went into meditation and reached out to him through the light. Instead of screaming I went into silence and was louder than I have ever been.

When the light comes on inside of the Self there is no cloud that can cover its rays. When the small self can adjust to the larger Self there is no stopping the Self. They are merged as one. When all of the selves on the planet each look inside to their ‘Self’ rather than believe the chatter of the outside world everything will get quiet. Once the earth is quiet then the light of wisdom will once again move across the still waters giving us peace on Earth.

So sick but not any more

There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before.
Henry David Thoreau

After an intense time of emotional upheavals one can hit a wall. I hit mine on my way to LA and promptly got sick. As I flew to LA there were actually 3 (count them) children within arms length of my first class seat (miles baby) which I of course thought made me immune to child seat-mate attacks. No such luck. Me thinking-really 3 kids, with an oh my God look on my face, but saying sweetly, ‘Wow, what cute kids’. I found all of first class bemused by 3 1/2 hours trapped in a flying bus with us space-cramped humans, most drinking and 3 restless small diaper-wearing children. After a millisecond of reflection I thought see, karma is a …!
There we were seated drinks in hand when amidst all of the travel fury came these 3 cute babies with snotty noses and snotty hands and germs a plenty for us all to see. We sat so close that I reasoned that if I took a big breath of the airplane air they would also be breathing the same recycled air. We were all going to be breathing the same air through the entire flight oh goodie! And ‘what difference does that make you ask??’ they were sick, No this is not happening she said screaming (internally of course) into the heavens. See, karma baby! (pun intended, for all 3 of them)
But It became a moment of complete surrender. Those cute little snotty smiling faces. We knew that we had been beat. They were too cute to resist and I kept finding myself touching their little hands as they reached up to touch me. They of course were interested in touching all of us, thank you very much germ sharers. I spend too much time alone to be able to beat off this kind of germ attack. I had to face it I was getting ready to be sick. The one consolation in this type of sickness is the increased strength of the immune system. (See, Positive thinking)
Once sickness has passed through the system the body can defend itself better to any other low-lying bugs that may be skirting around. This puts older adults at a disadvantage as their immune systems suffer from lack of use and one’s defense mechanism slows with age making any small illness you may get big business to get rid of. Thanks to my 3 flying buddies I now have a mighty defense shield that other non child exposed humans have to do without. How lucky am I?
I don’t like being sick, no one does but it is along with being immune system boosting also mandatory down time. Your sick so take some time off! Watch a movie or catch up on some reading. But when I am dealing with the kind of sickness that makes you want to hide from yourself and get out of your body I can do nothing but either sit in silence or listen to music. Only music with the softest flowing kinds of rhythm. Other types of vibration like loud music, movies, or commercials on television all hurt my body too much. I had to use soothing vibrations to rest my body and my mind. At first I was lost in the pain of sickness but as the days wore on my sense of being bone weary tired continued but inside of me a time of being wide awake ensued.The vibration was doing its job.
Now I could read a little and watch a little television but too much of anything was a headache waiting to happen. So I spent a lot of time lost in thought. I thought about how we are all made of the same biological ingredients so what I breathe you breath, what you have to eat I have to eat, I want to be loved you want to be loved. I thought about how similar our wants really are. I thought about how our thoughts can make a sickness go by fast or stay and linger depending on how much down time you need or how long you have been ignoring your own body’s needs. You might be sick for a day to catch up on sleep and sick for a month to reset a depleted physical body.
Either way when the bodies energies are low the mind can assist by concentrating on positive thoughts rather than boo-hooing through your cold. Face it everyone gets sick. When I am dealing with body pain I practice moving my awareness away from my physical body concentrating instead on creating my future, visualizing what I hope will transpire, someday. (Let him be tall dark and handsome, with a job, yeah, and a sense of humor, and did I say good-looking, oh yeah and a supporter of woman’s rights, yeah, house on the beach or the city, the sensitive type but strong, wait, am I saying all of this out loud, whoops sorry!)
Anyway those days off helped me to remember how I am not living right now. I have forgotten I let a road block materialize and I found myself making excuses instead of moving it. Enough, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. So during these the last few days of low energy but still with a crazy wakefulness I began to formulate my next step.I sense forward motion people!
I feel the sun finally bursting through the days of cloudy thinking and I am reminded that it is good to be alive. Even through difficult days there is always beauty somewhere for me especially on the face of my grandson.
I can bask in the moment knowing I am not so sick any more, yeah…

Stuck in a mind trap

This image says a lot about what has been going on within my mind lately. I have made a mistake because I have been lost in a mind trap. A trap of my own making.

Keeping my focus on my son for the last few months has moved my thinking mind away from my own personal troubles and has allowed me great focus on something I thought I was in control of. As a mother we get lost easily in the fog of, “Oh my God what is happening?” and forget to step back and remember that each child has its own path and karma to work out even when a lot of the karma may be with the parents. The thing I did right was stand next to him while the storm was brewing in his mind and did my best with the help of all the energies of the heavens to anchor him in a better thought. What I did wrong was allowed it to get inside of me making me walk in as much pain as he was.

The mind trap of our thinking makes everything personal and then we will allow ourselves to get distracted from our own lives and soon we are lost in someone else’s hell. To each his own and stay out of my head and I’ll stay out of yours. What good do I do when I am lost worrying about him?  Is he lost worrying about me?  No, no one is. What we spend our time dwelling on is where the energy of our thinking will become stuck. Every time I over think my son’s condition I draw fire to it. Making it more of an issue than maybe it would be if my thinking towards it became more solid in its desire for resolution rather than how do I put this fire out. Chaos living and thinking breeds chaos living and thinking. Now that sounds fun right?

As usual in the morning I do my spiritual reading setting the tone for the day I get this message that the book I am reading is a waste of time, I reach for the next nope that one too. So I go upstairs fully aware I have read everything up there and with a mind like a steel trap I don’t really care to reread books.  But I felt led so I sat down and perused my books. One from an old teacher popped up, subject, The Mind. Flip open the book and there it was the description of what I was doing. This whole thing with Nicholas is a tragedy and has become a mind trap for me. In the ever-present let go and let God ideology is a parent struggling to know where the line is between letting go, little g and letting GO big G. How do you let go when holding on seems like the safer answer, who wants their kid to die if you could have been able to do something about it, MIND TRAP.

According to this teacher the mind is in service to the human and is our greatest tool and enemy. It can work for us and against us sometimes at the same time, mind trap. When we are lost in thoughts or suffering because of our thinking it keeps the mind busy and this, the mind likes. You can think of the mind like a teenager that thinks it knows everything and is happy to convince you, be mad at you and ignore you, all at the same time, wow! The mind will lead you down any path you wish and will guide and judge you depending on your mood or weakness, it doesn’t care. The mind is to be controlled, but by you not for you.

In the tools of meditation is the key to mastering the wandering mind. Sitting at the temple of your inner self lets you become the master rather than the servant. But it doesn’t happen because you want it to, it happens but because you have taken the time to learn how your mind works. It is then that you make it serve you. Yesterday I told my mind to shut up it was driving me crazy. Will he be alright? It’s his birthday what if it gets out of control? What if? What If? What if I stop this freaking mind trap nightmare and move on down the road. If the creator of the universe is indeed in charge then things down here must be going according to plan. It’s plan not mine!

I do more good for my son and family keeping my mind under control reminding myself that the creator of the universe probably gets what is happening, I am after all screaming for help on a regular basis. Leading to the ask and ye shall receive, a saying not followed by badger God until something happens or flip out and make something happen, mind traps.

Having faith during scary times whether it be real world or in your house is walking a path with your head up not down. The mind trap will spring in a millisecond telling you that you are right, wrong, happy, sad, good heavens, it will tell you what you want to hear and hate to hear and will stop when you make it. Faith is walking a path of light without any guarantees of outcome. Walking in faith becomes your life when the mind is your servant reminding you of your awesomeness and that everything is going according to plan. Walk in light and the light will lead you. Walk in fear and there is a trap up ahead just waiting to grab you in the dark.

Don’t get caught in a trap, she says breaking into an Elvis Presley song, “I’m caught in a trap, I can’t walk out, because I love you too much baby” great song…

Birthdays and life

Today is my eldest son’s 32nd birthday. This is my precious son who often hurts on the inside. He lives in a pain stream with a constant bombardment of negative feelings and voices pressing him to push away the love that surrounds him. We have been working to get him to see out of his eyes again for months. We are trying to help him to stay in his body long enough to want to live and grow old. Problem is, he gets it in his head maybe it would better if he did not. This is not sad sack depression this is full on raging anger.

The 52 days before our birthday is ruled by the Planet Saturn, the planet of karma, and it is the hardest 52 days of the year. It’s a time of review for the year lived and what is to be for the next year coming. Saturn makes sure we see where we are at in our spiritual development. It is Saturn that can teach us the most difficult of lessons.

Both my son and I have chosen very difficult paths for this life. Right now he is processing repressed memories, difficult things happened to him as a young boy that have been hard for him to express and understand. But what his brain did tell him is that he is not loved, and not worthy of love so what is the f*&king point. In walks addiction, escapism and a mothers worse nightmare! From the time he was 15  I really had no idea how long he would walk on the planet and sometimes I wondered how long I could let him.

What a human has to go through to be ok after being hit for so long by negative and hurtful events is astonishing. It is a full on reprogramming of a mind locked down in fear and anger, self-preservation and often self punishment or abuse. As a mother/parent one must grow a backbone with the strength of an oak tree to take the on-slot of anger and tears as the storm becomes relentless. Truth has to be revealed for the sake of the child, truths that are difficult for young minds. It’s difficult, it’s often scary, and there is the will he let me outlive him? But God is great and gave us the one weapon that holds him here, his beautiful son.

No matter how far out he goes from himself if his son steps in front him something happens and he sees him and the softness of my boy returns. It is often not long that he can be held but sometimes it is long enough to get through to him.

During this last 3-6 month episode it has been difficult and it began to affect me because when I can’t reach him I feel like a failure. I watch his pain I hear his screaming I think my heart will stop and how will I not hurt those who hurt him, A human mother I am! And there is something else. Outside of my awareness yesterday a voice spoke from inside of him to me out of the side of his mouth, like a darkness and it threatened me. And then that voice had to deal with me. That voiced told me of the trapped lie within him, the words making him believe a lie, that he was not loved.

That voice made a mistake. I went after the voice, I made him look at me in the eye which he could barely do, I made my son come back to me from a dark place. A part of him wanted to hide so the darkness could have a reason to constantly react. Through the voice, the energy of sound there is great power especially coming from a mama. I teach parents to learn the voice that will stop a child mid step, “Don’t walk in the street”, said powerfully, they stop! So I used that voice. I sent enough energy into him and made him reveal his lie. I pounded him with the energy of light, of God, until there was nothing left but my boy. Through his fog he started to understand it was a lie that voice was telling him and that voice had no power over me. He sat there and watched me take it on, scary f**king voice, and I never backed down.

Later that night they came over for a small gathering for his birthday, just a few friends and family. He was visibly lighter, I could see him briefly through out the evening. He is still very manic but he just entered his Sun period and the difficulties will begin to subside. Our Sun period is like a great vacation from the harshness of Saturn. Praise God!

He is better but it is a fight and I will fight again. And I will fight again and again until it is my voice inside of his head. There is no greater power than the power inside of me against any darkness inside of him. That comes as a gift from God to us who chose to be parents, not those sperm donors and womb renters, I mean parents who fight for the lives of their children all the way through to the end.

Someone once asked me when enough was enough, they know how hard on me it is sometimes,(understatement)and I said, tell me the day I am no longer his mother and then enough is enough. I fight for him. I fight for his son. I fight in order to see pictures like the one above, the sweet sight of love between a man hurting and the boy who has enough strength and love at 7 years old to keep his sometimes scary father going! Happy birthday my beautiful boy!

Hair Liberation

I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

I am one of those women who enjoys changing my look to accommodate my emerging identity. I have worn my hair in so many different ways and have been so many different colors, (probably speaks to the many personalities living inside me but there is no need to freak people out with talk like that), that my self-identity is both tied to ‘me’ and not. Here’s what I mean, when I was around 30 I cut my hair off after a bad perm, not the first time that has happened through out my life but this time my hair was butch short. My hair was pretty salt and pepper at the time and I lived in Northern Minnesota married to an artist. Let me tell you we looked the part much to my children’s chagrin. Small town Minnesota did not see me as a bad ass artist type but rather a scary woman with an identity issue. Now I may have had a little anger issue at the time but again that is another story we are talking hair here.

Throughout that time I wore my hair very short and for about 6 years it was because married to my hippie husband we had no running water and short hair is much easier to keep when you have to put up with bucket baths. I mean really, aren’t you glad this isn’t your story? After about 10 years I decided to grow my hair to see what it looked like and maybe to turn on more of a Northern Minnesota vibe. So then I went to the hippie silver long hair version of myself and wore that for quite a few years, always varying lengths. I told people my favorite thing was to reinvent myself and I never liked to look the same, keep people on their toes I say. At 30 ‘people’s’ perception of me was not at all on my mind, fast forward 10 or so years.

I cut my hair off again right before the end of my 2nd marriage, not butch short, just short. At that time it was a relief to let go of a struggling personality that was trying to hold a dead relationship together. But I was back in Minnesota again and my hair kept trying to regulate me. I am one of you it kept trying to say. The other thing being that people who knew me didn’t ever want me to wear my hair butch short again. Pressure, peer pressure, I grew my hair and let it be as normal as I could.

The problem came 3 years ago when my life fell apart and I no longer had the identity of who I was married to a rich man. Every time I looked in the mirror I had no idea who it was looking back at me. For a while I thought it was the whole you are getting older thing and I have to get use to it, but deep down I knew that wasn’t it. I have been having a terrible identity crisis and when my world suddenly changed nothing about my material world changed with it. I wore the same clothes lived with the same furniture, kept trying to be the who I was when it was not who I was anymore. Of course I didn’t know that until yesterday. When every time I tried to get dressed I hated everything. I tried to paint and I couldn’t get it to come. The resistance I have been feeling in my life wasn’t resistance at all but a do not proceed down this path any more, that chapter is done.

It happened after the return from Florida on vacation with my son who while there had a full on bipolar melt down. When I got home I did a ceremony to kill off myself. Sounds harsh I know but after 3 years of feeling defeated by life I was so f&*king sick of myself that death was the only answer. I couldn’t help my son I couldn’t seem to even help myself. So I did it, I watched myself burn in my mind’s eye and then I turned the fire to gold and dipped myself in titanium. I guess I felt I needed a little more internal strength than the stupid body of flesh I was forced to live in. The image was awesome I was beautiful and filled with strength and light. I felt great after the vision. It was what it did to me that I hadn’t anticipated. When I looked in the mirror it wasn’t me looking back anymore.

God bless my daughter for helping me to see what was right in front of me but to close for these baby blues to see for myself. I was vocalizing something I was not doing. I said I was not who I was but I was continuing to live the life I had been living. So right then and there I began the process of tearing down the rest of my old life allowing even more space for the new incarnation. And then I said, “you ready to cut my hair” (actually I said do you have the stones to cut my hair off, she does and did) I didn’t look or ask what she was going to do. She worked intuitively until she knew she had unearthed me. She turned the mirror so I could see and there she was, me…

Feeling strength, being strong

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
Leonardo da Vinci

I hear over and over about hard everything is, my question is really, was there a time when ‘it’ wasn’t hard? I myself do not farm for my food nor do I have to get up at the crack of dawn to do chores to make sure my family is fed. I do not have to sell myself or anything to make sure needs are met. I do not have to send a family member to war or go to the funeral of one who did and did not return. I am not plagued with a disease I cannot fight and I am not mentally challenged and cannot think clearly. All of that sounds hard, Yet, I am a blessed human with a ridiculously hard life. Hard because I make it hard. Hard because I make it my responsibility to do the job that ‘others’ will not. That makes it my choice and in that statement is my strength. Like Leonardo said I gathered my strength from the distress my life gave me.
The real truth is that everybody’s life is hard and everything is relative. What I can take would put most people in a mental institution. What others can take makes me want to jump off a ledge. Life is a series of experiences and because of the natural laws if we do not change the energy of our circumstances then we repeat endlessly the lessons that we ourselves are trying to learn. Another truth being that letting go and letting God is the best answer and for humans the hardest easiest answer there is. Someone once said that time changes everything, so if you have a problem wait let some time pass, problem still there, wait some more, something always happens, get that!!!! Something always happens in time to change circumstances, a woman is never pregnant forever, children do get older, parents get smarter, a dog can learn new tricks, people come people go, people fall in and out of love. Change is the only constant. Right next to the constant you that is experiencing ‘everything’.
We as humans need to look closer at history as people have always spouted the end of the world is coming since the day the world was born. The world is not ending the new world is being birthed. If we want to understand the change we are currently going through we need to close our mouths and listen. Not to someone’s words, platitudes, or experiences, but the still small voice within the self. There is no experience that you have not had, there is no truth left unveiled when you take the time to dig for truth. Most of the hardships you hear about are still the same ole problems, he said, she said, he did, she did, I didn’t want any of it. That world is done! We are being held responsible for our actions and reactions and what happens next is up to us. It is a time for action not reaction. Like it has been said thousands of times, be the change you are looking for in the world.
Look a person in the eyes when they talk to you and you will learn everything there is to know. If a human can not look you in the eye when they talk or you talk, what are you doing in front of that person? Humans are still very simple creatures which in and of itself makes us very dangerous creatures indeed. Our fears drive us into automatic responses and an unthinking human is no fun at all. So it is time for those of us willing to think and process to stand up and show ‘them’ how it is done. There really is nothing to be afraid of, if you believe in nothing then there is nothing to be afraid of. If you have a belief system then there is nothing to be afraid of. I can go on and on. Fear is the biggest trap the human faces. Fear of the world, fear of the people of the world, fear of the differences in the world, fear of the end of the world, fear of how to manipulate the world, fear of being used up by the world, fear of the self, fear, fear, fear, another 4 letter word.
Try not to forget the world, this one here, is an illusion, an awesome one, I love pie, chocolate and dark beer,but an illusion none the less. We are on the planet to learn, play, love, and create an awesome life for ourselves, speaking to the choir I am, it is all within our control when we finally let go of the limited mind-set the human belief system has given us. The reality is the world picture is much bigger than the one most humans are currently buying, way to bad for you people. When you learn just how much energy there is available to you and all people, for health healing and happiness then you will be in the driver seat of the new car you will be driving on the road to the your next incarnation, awesome you!!! That could be tomorrow.
I so hope you out there can hear me. I look out onto the world and people are reacting to a story of their lives that is simply a lie. It is either a lie they have been fed by parents or their limited belief system, or simply a lie that have decided to believe for themselves. How sad!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it happened to me, I did that too. Someone tried to convince me I was not as awesome as I thought I was, someone tried to knock me down a level or two, yeah whatever. I stood back up and frankly told a few of them they could kiss my ever-loving ass, another story, anyway…
Today I proclaim and declare that you are free, you are strong and beautiful, you are awesome and magnificent, you are no different from me. Feel my strength and lets all be strong.

Falling during the Fall

Falling during the Fall

I am a tree a big strong tree. This tree just spent a week standing against a storm. The same storm that comes over and over again in my life. I am a mother of a bipolar son who wants to live and doesn’t want to live at the same time because the burning sensation in his brain becomes more than he can bear. Many bipolar people hate their medicine and once they think they are ‘better’ they often stop taking it. Before I knew it my son had been unmedicated for maybe 6 months. So this last storm which has been going on since August went super nova. I had to hear and see things that makes a mother lose sleep and contemplate how I can move this storm off this planet. Safety was an issue. How is it that I can continue to watch this storm that builds over and over again this same storm that is always there brewing under the surface? It is the beginning of Fall and I found myself trying not to fall down.

There is a lot of suffering going on at this time on our Planet. The humans feel the vibrational change we are undergoing and most just don’t understand what they are experiencing and most don’t like it.  Those beings that are sensitive emotionally and spiritually feel it the most and make it a personal issue as it stirs fear and uncertainty within them. They know something is going on they just don’t know what. I am the mother of such a person and it is my job is not to fall down but to be the anchor he needs so when the crazy storm comes he and I can stand together and wait it out, send it away.

But there is a wife now and a son. There is his age and the fact he is a powerful man and can be scary as hell. It is only when I can stand as tall as a huge oak that I can stand up to his fear and anger and lead him back to a peaceful state where he can again see out his eyes. When I look at him during a storm of bipolar proportions I see his body but he is not inside of it. I tell his wife he is not seeing out his eyes. I stand next to him when he allows it trying to send energy into him to get him to come back. He in his despair becomes so self-destructive that my heart hurts as I wonder can I keep on the planet if he wants to go? Can I keep him from taking people with him if he decides to go?

That is the power of the tree I have to be and this last time I was so bent over I thought my trunk would snap. The pain in my limbs while I held his energy like a wild bull he fought against us all. We females who stand in a line around him trying to reach him when he is in a land of complete darkness and has forgotten himself. I watch others and hear of parents who send their children away because it is too difficult to stand there and watch. How lucky that they can let themselves off the hook so easily. I stand there next to my scary son screaming that as much as he wants to die I want him to live. That’s a powerful fight with someone whose brain is screaming against him. This is hard.

This tree almost fell down. To hear him screaming in pain. To know he is only one man fighting this mental struggle in a world filled with people struggling. I see them everywhere. Children in trouble in the shape of adults.

It was foggy this morning when I woke and in the haze I felt the shift. The sun burns through the fog and a breeze sends the energy away. I was speaking to a friend about this last episode and they wondered how do I keep doing it. Standing under such pressure staring down the darkness trying to over take my son and there it is. He is my family. He is the tree standing next to me and I will stand over him shining light into his roots and onto his leaves and he will know that I love him and that the creator of the universe gives me the power to fight and he knows that no mater how far out he gets, when the darkness clouds his eyes from hope that this tree standing next to him will never move. Though I will bend and sometimes crack and until God removes me from this planet I will stand next him.

I will never fall down. But I tell you this he thinks he can be scary until the day he tells me he wants to go and that scary man sees in front of him a force that really can not be moved. I can be scary as hell and unless God wills it my children are not leaving this planet before me!