I am a tree a big strong tree. This tree just spent a week standing against a storm. The same storm that comes over and over again in my life. I am a mother of a bipolar son who wants to live and doesn’t want to live at the same time because the burning sensation in his brain becomes more than he can bear. Many bipolar people hate their medicine and once they think they are ‘better’ they often stop taking it. Before I knew it my son had been unmedicated for maybe 6 months. So this last storm which has been going on since August went super nova. I had to hear and see things that makes a mother lose sleep and contemplate how I can move this storm off this planet. Safety was an issue. How is it that I can continue to watch this storm that builds over and over again this same storm that is always there brewing under the surface? It is the beginning of Fall and I found myself trying not to fall down.
There is a lot of suffering going on at this time on our Planet. The humans feel the vibrational change we are undergoing and most just don’t understand what they are experiencing and most don’t like it. Those beings that are sensitive emotionally and spiritually feel it the most and make it a personal issue as it stirs fear and uncertainty within them. They know something is going on they just don’t know what. I am the mother of such a person and it is my job is not to fall down but to be the anchor he needs so when the crazy storm comes he and I can stand together and wait it out, send it away.
But there is a wife now and a son. There is his age and the fact he is a powerful man and can be scary as hell. It is only when I can stand as tall as a huge oak that I can stand up to his fear and anger and lead him back to a peaceful state where he can again see out his eyes. When I look at him during a storm of bipolar proportions I see his body but he is not inside of it. I tell his wife he is not seeing out his eyes. I stand next to him when he allows it trying to send energy into him to get him to come back. He in his despair becomes so self-destructive that my heart hurts as I wonder can I keep on the planet if he wants to go? Can I keep him from taking people with him if he decides to go?
That is the power of the tree I have to be and this last time I was so bent over I thought my trunk would snap. The pain in my limbs while I held his energy like a wild bull he fought against us all. We females who stand in a line around him trying to reach him when he is in a land of complete darkness and has forgotten himself. I watch others and hear of parents who send their children away because it is too difficult to stand there and watch. How lucky that they can let themselves off the hook so easily. I stand there next to my scary son screaming that as much as he wants to die I want him to live. That’s a powerful fight with someone whose brain is screaming against him. This is hard.
This tree almost fell down. To hear him screaming in pain. To know he is only one man fighting this mental struggle in a world filled with people struggling. I see them everywhere. Children in trouble in the shape of adults.
It was foggy this morning when I woke and in the haze I felt the shift. The sun burns through the fog and a breeze sends the energy away. I was speaking to a friend about this last episode and they wondered how do I keep doing it. Standing under such pressure staring down the darkness trying to over take my son and there it is. He is my family. He is the tree standing next to me and I will stand over him shining light into his roots and onto his leaves and he will know that I love him and that the creator of the universe gives me the power to fight and he knows that no mater how far out he gets, when the darkness clouds his eyes from hope that this tree standing next to him will never move. Though I will bend and sometimes crack and until God removes me from this planet I will stand next him.
I will never fall down. But I tell you this he thinks he can be scary until the day he tells me he wants to go and that scary man sees in front of him a force that really can not be moved. I can be scary as hell and unless God wills it my children are not leaving this planet before me!