Today is my eldest son’s 32nd birthday. This is my precious son who often hurts on the inside. He lives in a pain stream with a constant bombardment of negative feelings and voices pressing him to push away the love that surrounds him. We have been working to get him to see out of his eyes again for months. We are trying to help him to stay in his body long enough to want to live and grow old. Problem is, he gets it in his head maybe it would better if he did not. This is not sad sack depression this is full on raging anger.
The 52 days before our birthday is ruled by the Planet Saturn, the planet of karma, and it is the hardest 52 days of the year. It’s a time of review for the year lived and what is to be for the next year coming. Saturn makes sure we see where we are at in our spiritual development. It is Saturn that can teach us the most difficult of lessons.
Both my son and I have chosen very difficult paths for this life. Right now he is processing repressed memories, difficult things happened to him as a young boy that have been hard for him to express and understand. But what his brain did tell him is that he is not loved, and not worthy of love so what is the f*&king point. In walks addiction, escapism and a mothers worse nightmare! From the time he was 15 I really had no idea how long he would walk on the planet and sometimes I wondered how long I could let him.
What a human has to go through to be ok after being hit for so long by negative and hurtful events is astonishing. It is a full on reprogramming of a mind locked down in fear and anger, self-preservation and often self punishment or abuse. As a mother/parent one must grow a backbone with the strength of an oak tree to take the on-slot of anger and tears as the storm becomes relentless. Truth has to be revealed for the sake of the child, truths that are difficult for young minds. It’s difficult, it’s often scary, and there is the will he let me outlive him? But God is great and gave us the one weapon that holds him here, his beautiful son.
No matter how far out he goes from himself if his son steps in front him something happens and he sees him and the softness of my boy returns. It is often not long that he can be held but sometimes it is long enough to get through to him.
During this last 3-6 month episode it has been difficult and it began to affect me because when I can’t reach him I feel like a failure. I watch his pain I hear his screaming I think my heart will stop and how will I not hurt those who hurt him, A human mother I am! And there is something else. Outside of my awareness yesterday a voice spoke from inside of him to me out of the side of his mouth, like a darkness and it threatened me. And then that voice had to deal with me. That voiced told me of the trapped lie within him, the words making him believe a lie, that he was not loved.
That voice made a mistake. I went after the voice, I made him look at me in the eye which he could barely do, I made my son come back to me from a dark place. A part of him wanted to hide so the darkness could have a reason to constantly react. Through the voice, the energy of sound there is great power especially coming from a mama. I teach parents to learn the voice that will stop a child mid step, “Don’t walk in the street”, said powerfully, they stop! So I used that voice. I sent enough energy into him and made him reveal his lie. I pounded him with the energy of light, of God, until there was nothing left but my boy. Through his fog he started to understand it was a lie that voice was telling him and that voice had no power over me. He sat there and watched me take it on, scary f**king voice, and I never backed down.
Later that night they came over for a small gathering for his birthday, just a few friends and family. He was visibly lighter, I could see him briefly through out the evening. He is still very manic but he just entered his Sun period and the difficulties will begin to subside. Our Sun period is like a great vacation from the harshness of Saturn. Praise God!
He is better but it is a fight and I will fight again. And I will fight again and again until it is my voice inside of his head. There is no greater power than the power inside of me against any darkness inside of him. That comes as a gift from God to us who chose to be parents, not those sperm donors and womb renters, I mean parents who fight for the lives of their children all the way through to the end.
Someone once asked me when enough was enough, they know how hard on me it is sometimes,(understatement)and I said, tell me the day I am no longer his mother and then enough is enough. I fight for him. I fight for his son. I fight in order to see pictures like the one above, the sweet sight of love between a man hurting and the boy who has enough strength and love at 7 years old to keep his sometimes scary father going! Happy birthday my beautiful boy!