Loneliness in a far off land

Loneliness in a far off land

Dealing with hard issues far away from home or your comfort zone can make the grey seem even more grey. I was so glad the sun came out yesterday because it helped me see clearer the issues I am dealing with. I wake up today and the grey is everywhere and my heart was disturbed. Can I keep myself up through the grey? My heart trembles because new-found awareness must be practiced. Like forgiving your lover for something difficult you can say it but, it might take a while before you really mean it.

When I walk through the streets of this far away place I see as much loneliness and bitterness as I saw in New York City, that I see in Los Angeles, nowhere is safe from the emotional battles we all must face from time to time. No amount of sunshine can change the game unless you let the sun into your heart. I hate sentences like that they seem so Facebook oriented. I am so tired of spiritual platitudes but in the end some of them hold truth.

That which you resist persists.  I have been a part of a family for most of my life. Husbands kids, all that jazz and now I am in the process of redefining what my role is yet to be. So as I keep resisting the need for the change in my heart I am stuck being alone. Mostly by choice. After being betrayed one to many times I am finding it hard to be open with humans knowing full well a betrayal could be minutes away. That’s no way to be.

So for right now the loneliness is necessary and frankly being used as a safety device to keep my heart from cracking into pieces again. It needs time for healing and band-aides and pithy statements just aren’t going to cut it. As I walk the streets I see other weary wounded humans trying hard to keep a fake smile on their face or the others who have thrown in the towel and have allowed bitterness to be written in lines for everyone to see. I don’t want that either.

A life lived well is experiences gathered from both sides of the fence. Happiness is a decision and again not a right. Living in happiness is part of the faith process. We may never know why certain things happen but we can be assured that tomorrow is another day. One more day to try again, hope again, and live again.

There is no one on the planet whose job it is to make you ok. Though when you travel you would think otherwise. Partners berating their partners for us all to hear, children screaming about being forced to go shopping or to view art forced to stand in long lines. Why do we push our agendas on to others? But then most of us do not like being alone so we drag others along for the ride, willing or not. Acceptance is a game changer.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and I will be spending it alone in a far away place but the outcome will be the same. When I wake up it will be next year. Where ever I would have been the same thing will be happening so I take comfort in that. I will not be going to a fancy party or seeing friends or being with family. I will be busy pushing out the last bits of 2012’s ugliness and cleaning out my heart space. Because what a new year does bring in is hope, cue the spiritual platitude, and you know There is alway hope.

And the sun brightens the gloom

And the sun brightens the gloom

I have learned that when I am at my most upset, angry beyond words what is actually happening is sadness I am unwilling to acknowledge sitting in my chest. When we get hurt by those close to us the pain can be quickly swallowed by anger and a sweet person can rapidly turn into a tyrant. Being an aware human is a 24/7 job. Yesterday I was less aware than usual because learning to sublimate pain had become a lifetime occupation of mine and there is a part of me that is just not that into it anymore.

I have a strong sense of justice and if you hit your kid in front of me, knock around your partner within earshot, I will say something. I will stand up for the underdog that others turn away from. But often I will forget myself. I have allowed abuses to occur to myself that I would abhor had I heard about them happening to a friend. I will take abuse where I will not allow it for others, somehow I was experiencing a disconnect. It seems that many of the injustices that move me the most are the ones I have allowed my own family to perpetrate towards me. This is not a blame game the dysfunction in my family is legendary.

The thing is once anything is recognized healing can occur and old habits can be weeded out for what they are, old, tired, ugly and unnecessary. Ugly behavior is ugly behavior though those people who practice the fine art of sarcasm would tell you to grow a thicker skin and I would tell them to shut up. The greatest power I have is the ability to be different from who I was and to teach and never allow this behavior to continue especially within my newly growing family.

We have the right to choose those we associate with, family is a privilege  not a right. I can go the rest of my life simply surrounded by those whom I love and who love me and not a one of them maybe a member of my family of origin. I at my age have no more reason to kowtow to anyone much less someone who claims ownership and for God sake, you are not the boss of me. I am thankfully the boss of myself and at 50ish, it is about time.

So the sun breaking through the clouds only momentarily along with a great conversation with my way to wise daughter, was enough to pull the understanding that what was making me mad was me covering a hurt that was breaking my heart. But my heart will mend as my awareness grows that those people who want to be different will be and those who cannot will not. Its everyone’s choice. I choose the sun, in the form of smiles, better understanding of the walking wounded and the knowledge that I am blessed, so very blessed.


Learn to shut up!

There is a point in your life or at least there should be when the bull shit of your family or friends stops being something you are interested in and what you want is for everybody to shut the hell up. It is embarrassing the amount of wasted breath spent on words and thoughts that are simply destructive and better off not said. We all know this, we were all taught this, “if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all”. What happened to that phrase? Isn’t there enough bitterness out there that we have no need of it coming from those who claim to love us?

Facebook has done nothing but provide a platform for bad behavior and within families and close friends it is a nightmare. Suddenly people are fighting and instead of keeping it within appropriate boundaries they drag others into their stupidness. I don’t like this at all. Why are not more people embarrassed by bad behavior? Why do people think spinning lies in this day and age is going to work. All truth comes out in the end.

Something happened recently that embarrassed me and the shame of the incident made me shut the fu**k up. I didn’t want to talk about it or even ever remember it again. I am not into finger pointing. Thing is the more “they” talk about it the less I will ever say. Eventually “they” will have poisoned the well so bad there will be nowhere left to go and no one left to listen, no one that matters, (every goon has a goon squad). But this takes time and one has to know the power of silence. Silence, Praise God, is the great equalizer.

It is hard enough to be alive on the planet right now. Out here in the world of no make-believe you see suffering everywhere you look. In America we are sidetracked with the need to stay young, make lots of money, even if it means taking it out of your families hands. We must constantly know that what we are doing is not good enough because the next thing is right around the corner ready to replace us. We are on roller-coasters that we don’t even see but most certainly feel. We are distracted from what is real by what can be replaced, easily, you.

Families are not honored and respect integrity and loyalty do not exist as words in most Americans vocabulary, it is a dog eat dog world. If a family member or friend does well we are taught to tear them down or make them responsible for all wrongs. If one culture does too well we make sure it doesn’t last long. We champion the weak until the are not, then we go after them. And worse we allow every idiot the right to bear arms. That one scares the fu*k out of me in light of recent events…

If I were God I would strike at our throats, make us all unable to speak. I would go for the eyes next and make us all blind. This would level the playing field and all the bullies of the world would find themselves at a terrible disadvantage and those filled with love would not notice a thing. Because when love is your true motivator you do not need eyes to see the truth and you do not need your ears to hear the truth. Your heart already is filled with the truth.

So people when you are ready to stand in your truth there is no better way to do it than learning the power of silence. Let go and let God because there is nothing more powerful than the those who champion good. I laugh when I think on those who would desire to do anyone harm. Karma is a bitch and a hardy task master. Don’t get caught in a web of your own making because that thing stinging you are your own lies coming back at you. Above all when in doubt, learn to SHUT UP!

Thoughts while spending Christmas in Paris



Wow, what a few weeks I’ve had. I am working hard to wipe out the memory of the 2nd week of December with memories of the 3rd and then I arrived in Paris. At first I had nothing but difficulties with my electronics so I put them all down, no phone, no computer. This is not my first trip but it was the first time I have had so much trouble. Funny how the universal energies can push at us until we are on our knees screaming uncle. Yah, like I am going to take that, electronics working!

Because I knew for a while I would be alone for Christmas I worked out the aloneness to take place in the awesomeness of Paris. I figure it would be easier to be alone in a place not so consumed by the holiday and by 12 noon in Europe it is over and we can all go on with our lives. I wanted to celebrate that the world didn’t end and that tomorrow is just another day but after reading the news I am not sure but starting the world over again might have been a better idea. There sure is a lot of killing and meanness going on out there.

If I were the ruler of the universe I would start again or at the very least I would wave a magic wand over humanity and change their thinking right now. Free will my ass, nobody appears to be free as much as they are freely drug around by their emotions and ready to exact revenge on those deemed… whatever. Humanity just does not seem to be able to fit the bill as top of the food chain.

Maybe we need shepherds again, true leaders who would have in their hearts a desire for a good life for their people. A good and true king who would provide not take, seek to keep life not destroy it. We as people seem to enjoy the destroying nature of our kind while throwing the nice out with the bath water. Where has kindness gone?

Here in Europe things are not candy coated like in America, here the news of the world will scare the hell out of you. We in America have no real idea just how prejudice continues to destroy our brothers and sisters. Humans still hold rank over each other either by the dominate sex thing, or dominate religion thing, or my guns are bigger than yours thing. It is ridiculous, are we ever going to grow up? I thought the dooms day prep-ers were out of their minds but watch the news here and we all better have a below ground bunker but if you have food in yours in will not be yours for long. Guns aren’t enough you better buy a tank.

If I were the earth I would have thrown us off, burned us out, froze our butts off, already. This is painful to watch.

I woke up to a cloudy and very grey morning. I went down for breakfast there was no kindness at all, no recognition of it being Christmas, just grab and take at the breakfast buffet. When In New York my daughter and I saw the same thing. We were calling it bitter face. So many people are walking around with bitter face yet they are walking. See, they do not know that walking is a gift, as is eating in some parts of the world.

If I were God I would have used 12-21-2012 to send a wave into humanity to force everyone to wake up at the same moment. It would be a burst of blindness that would cause each human to see their mother father brother sister everywhere they look. A man being violent towards a woman would see his sister wife or mother immediately. A soldier would see his brother or father. The leaders who would give guns to children would see guns in their children’s arms and bullets through their kin’s bodies. Ah perspective!

Well the sun came and broke up the gloom. It is going to be a beautiful day here in Paris. I will walk and try to forget how hard humanity is on each other and how families can be so mean and negative against their own. I will wear a smile surrounded by bitter faces unwilling to understand that to be able to walk, talk, eat, smile, breath, be without pain, are all reasons to be grateful and to get down on your knees and be thankful.

And thats just me living in a world where there is no gun to my head, bullets fired over my house, or war going on 2 streets away but only by the grace of God and only for now…

So many questions

I have to many questions. So many questions and nowhere to go for answers. I think lots of people feel this way. What’s going to happen? When will it happen? Will it ever happen? Questions questions questions!

What is the answer? Where do we go for answers? And do we even get to have the answers?

I truly believe that the hardest thing for a human to go through are the kind of life changing events that rips the rug out from underneath you. One minute life is moving along and boom, knock on the door, telephone call, or your own impending trip to the doctor, bad news. These are the events we are not prepared for and are often the events that stop humans in their tracks. Wow that bend in the road about took my head off. Talk about having questions!

Like my grandma whose life stopped after grandpa died. He took care of her and all of her needs. She never drove a car, paid a bill so after his sudden death she pretty much sat down on her coach and waited so her reunion with grandpa. It took 20 some years. This cannot be the answer though it was hers and she was lonely but fine with it. I am not. I don’t want this for me. I don’t want to sit down.

I walk a spiritual path that is difficult for most people to understand. I take nothing for granted and believe whole-heartedly that as horrible as things can sometimes get there is a higher power in charge(Praise God) and, that there is a reason things are happening (so tired of this sentence, there is always a reason yah so show it to me, I say!!!!!!!). I know there is an answer out there but it is taking so fricking long to show up. Walk in faith the voice says.

I am tired of the questions. I am tired of the uncertainty and that is my humanness speaking. Uncertainty is a part of the process of a person walking in faith. I can’t imagine being Job but am pretty sure I am his sister. So I work very hard at keeping my eyes looking up when what I really want is to close them tight. I am so tired of wanting answers.

My heaviness is a recognition of the heaviness on the planet. While the children are so excited about the coming of Santa others are hoping we can just get through the holidays without jumping over fiscal cliffs, or a war breaking out somewhere. I guess the best reminders of the okness of life are the joy of good health, knowing that your family is ok, maybe just being able to take in a breath unaided makes it a good day. Maybe just being ok is good enough for now. Maybe the new year will bring answers. But right around the corner of this problem being solved is the next question that needs answering and it will be just as pressing.

Reminds me of what my Dad says, we never get anything fixed, really and there is always something to tend to. I guess that would be called the journey of life. How about that, question answered.




Pain is a difficult topic because everyone experiences pain in different ways. We do a lot as humans to run away from pain,we will do anything to avoid pain. Problem is pain is inevitable. Part of the process of being human and I can’t stand it, seems like a flaw in the system. I look at how we treat ourselves I see how we treat each other. So many people are happily inflicting pain on others sometimes wrapped up in that four letter word love, here’s some pain oh yah by the way I love you
I don’t like living in a world where the humans can not understand that the person they are trying to hurt is in fact a human not a punching bag certainly not your slave. Whose idea was it to think that another person is above or below another? If you think you are better where do you get your info? Just curious.
I use to think people should have to apply to be a parent. Still do. Such an important job should not be left for chance or whim. Now I think people should have to apply to remain part of the human race. Being a human should be seen as a privilege not a right or accident or a whatever get that person out of here.
The pain out there in the world is a maya I understand that, everything is an illusion but down here in the world pain is pain. Loss is loss. We are a tiny speck on a planet hurling through space and we are so very sure of our position in the universe. We are even sure bankrupting ourselves our children and our future is just ok. This is the kind of pain I am sick to death of. With all the trouble we have just staying on the planet wondering when the next airborne illness unleashes or when the next violent storm, or fricking terrorist attack is coming why do we beg these issues by playing the not me not my fault not my problem. Oh humans you have no idea the power you have yet you waste so much of your power on such stupid stuff and stupid thoughts.
We bring pain on ourselves and then look around for who to blame.
Bro it’s the holidays, as my son says, so lets try to skip the pain isle, lets try to see past our small lives, lets try to look up at the night sky and gaze at the stars and planets, think of life out there, how disappointing it will be if when we finally get contact and it is us trying to come here and take what’s ours. I would much rather see ET.
We are living on a living entity. The earth is alive. We breath the air and in the air is life. We eat food that is either alive or once was. We drink water that has life in it. Everything is a part of life we are a part of that life. All this pain we go through needs to be shelved in the do not disturb box right next to Pandora’s box.
We have been through enough. Enough is enough people. When we as a people finally get sick of the pain, the pain in our families and in our states and countries we might take control and pull ourselves together. Can you imagine that people are worried about the end of the world but would never think of doing away with a feud or forgiving the unforgivable. It’s time to decide that pain is uncool and let’s get smarter and learn smarter and let pain move to the back of the bus and happiness can move to the front. I hear the happiness bus is a much smoother ride and much more fun.
See ya on the bus

Someplace else


Last year at this time I was in Paris, ahhh, Paris. The holidays can be hard and it is not that much fun to celebrate by yourself, right! So in order to combat the usual holiday blahs I turn them into a time of adventure. I take the sting out of solitary holiday time by choosing to be alone and often I go Someplace else. Because In the land of Someplace else no one knows my name and I can make everyone believe I am intentionally alone . In the land of Someplace else I can be anyone I want and there, Someplace else, I am always a star.

In the land of Someplace else They have no idea who I am or that I have not spoken to a single soul in days. They cannot tell if I am important or not. They cannot tell if I am poor or not. They cannot tell if I am foreign or not. For all They know I am a celebrity in hiding. I make sure to wear my sunglasses in and out of my hotel keeping up the game of being somebody while being nobody at all. It’s amazing how much attitude will compensate for what could be loneliness. If it seems like I am desperately trying to spend some time by myself there is a mystery about me. If I am just there alone that may smack of loneliness. Everywhere I walk, everywhere I go, I act as if I own the place

I walk in silence. I sit in silence. I am not looking for idle chit chat. I am completely fine being by myself. Maybe I am just off a movie, maybe I just finished my book and am getting ready to go on tour. I always have my journal and fountain pen, I am not just writing my lonely thoughts, I am expounding deep-seated soul truths. I am writing the next great novel. My face reflects great wisdom. Who bothers someone Someplace else when they can see such wisdom. When I look up at Them I smile and turn down my gaze.

It’s a knowing, because I know what you see, I am Someplace else, somewhere you wish you could be.