Dealing with hard issues far away from home or your comfort zone can make the grey seem even more grey. I was so glad the sun came out yesterday because it helped me see clearer the issues I am dealing with. I wake up today and the grey is everywhere and my heart was disturbed. Can I keep myself up through the grey? My heart trembles because new-found awareness must be practiced. Like forgiving your lover for something difficult you can say it but, it might take a while before you really mean it.
When I walk through the streets of this far away place I see as much loneliness and bitterness as I saw in New York City, that I see in Los Angeles, nowhere is safe from the emotional battles we all must face from time to time. No amount of sunshine can change the game unless you let the sun into your heart. I hate sentences like that they seem so Facebook oriented. I am so tired of spiritual platitudes but in the end some of them hold truth.
That which you resist persists. I have been a part of a family for most of my life. Husbands kids, all that jazz and now I am in the process of redefining what my role is yet to be. So as I keep resisting the need for the change in my heart I am stuck being alone. Mostly by choice. After being betrayed one to many times I am finding it hard to be open with humans knowing full well a betrayal could be minutes away. That’s no way to be.
So for right now the loneliness is necessary and frankly being used as a safety device to keep my heart from cracking into pieces again. It needs time for healing and band-aides and pithy statements just aren’t going to cut it. As I walk the streets I see other weary wounded humans trying hard to keep a fake smile on their face or the others who have thrown in the towel and have allowed bitterness to be written in lines for everyone to see. I don’t want that either.
A life lived well is experiences gathered from both sides of the fence. Happiness is a decision and again not a right. Living in happiness is part of the faith process. We may never know why certain things happen but we can be assured that tomorrow is another day. One more day to try again, hope again, and live again.
There is no one on the planet whose job it is to make you ok. Though when you travel you would think otherwise. Partners berating their partners for us all to hear, children screaming about being forced to go shopping or to view art forced to stand in long lines. Why do we push our agendas on to others? But then most of us do not like being alone so we drag others along for the ride, willing or not. Acceptance is a game changer.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve and I will be spending it alone in a far away place but the outcome will be the same. When I wake up it will be next year. Where ever I would have been the same thing will be happening so I take comfort in that. I will not be going to a fancy party or seeing friends or being with family. I will be busy pushing out the last bits of 2012’s ugliness and cleaning out my heart space. Because what a new year does bring in is hope, cue the spiritual platitude, and you know There is alway hope.