I have learned that when I am at my most upset, angry beyond words what is actually happening is sadness I am unwilling to acknowledge sitting in my chest. When we get hurt by those close to us the pain can be quickly swallowed by anger and a sweet person can rapidly turn into a tyrant. Being an aware human is a 24/7 job. Yesterday I was less aware than usual because learning to sublimate pain had become a lifetime occupation of mine and there is a part of me that is just not that into it anymore.
I have a strong sense of justice and if you hit your kid in front of me, knock around your partner within earshot, I will say something. I will stand up for the underdog that others turn away from. But often I will forget myself. I have allowed abuses to occur to myself that I would abhor had I heard about them happening to a friend. I will take abuse where I will not allow it for others, somehow I was experiencing a disconnect. It seems that many of the injustices that move me the most are the ones I have allowed my own family to perpetrate towards me. This is not a blame game the dysfunction in my family is legendary.
The thing is once anything is recognized healing can occur and old habits can be weeded out for what they are, old, tired, ugly and unnecessary. Ugly behavior is ugly behavior though those people who practice the fine art of sarcasm would tell you to grow a thicker skin and I would tell them to shut up. The greatest power I have is the ability to be different from who I was and to teach and never allow this behavior to continue especially within my newly growing family.
We have the right to choose those we associate with, family is a privilege not a right. I can go the rest of my life simply surrounded by those whom I love and who love me and not a one of them maybe a member of my family of origin. I at my age have no more reason to kowtow to anyone much less someone who claims ownership and for God sake, you are not the boss of me. I am thankfully the boss of myself and at 50ish, it is about time.
So the sun breaking through the clouds only momentarily along with a great conversation with my way to wise daughter, was enough to pull the understanding that what was making me mad was me covering a hurt that was breaking my heart. But my heart will mend as my awareness grows that those people who want to be different will be and those who cannot will not. Its everyone’s choice. I choose the sun, in the form of smiles, better understanding of the walking wounded and the knowledge that I am blessed, so very blessed.