I don’t like asking for help because for most of my life there has been no one around to ask. When I am standing in shit I get the mop out and clean it up myself because nobody else is going to. I have learned the hard way, over and over again, that people will say what they need to say when you are looking right at them asking for help but when push comes to shove they will be found running the other way. The strong just have to watch the weak bend at the knees making promises they can’t keep. I spend a lot of time swimming in disappointment, as I continue to stand up and take it.
How great would it be to have help. In my fantasy I have a husband to lean on who encourages me, stands next to me when it gets scary. He helps me to take it, not judge it, or try to make it disappear. I might have a dad or other family members who after all of these years would know what I am trying to do to keep my family together and be there for me through the many storms. I might have a teacher or preacher or friend who would be there knowing that the fear I move through is warranted yet necessary. Of course this is all fantasy for me. I hope it’s not for you if you need help.
In the spiritual tradition it is said we can ask for help, Seek and ye shall find, ask and it will be given. It doesn’t say you will get help when you want it or how you want it, just that eventually help will arrive. I am learning that the strength I need that I keep hoping someone will help me gather is something I have to get for myself. If I had to wait for someone to help me I’d still be waiting. Frankly I am still waiting. I have to say it is heart wrenching to watch people turn away from a difficult situation. The disappointment is overwhelming but somehow the help I need does arrive and sometimes it comes in the form of greater inner strength.
What my life has taught me is that it doesn’t matter if help comes or not. When the going gets tough we will either run and hide or stand and be counted. There is no telling how we will react until it happens and how people react to tough situations is the measure of who they are. For me, I stand next to my children through thick and thin, sickness and health and I will do this for anyone who claims me for their own.
And when it gets overwhelming and it will, I will get down on my knees and ask for help from the one place I know will respond, at some point, somehow.