Last post was the accumulation of months perhaps years of needing and wanting help. The eternal idea that somehow, someway, I would get answers to some pressing issues that frankly have stopped me in my tracks. Like a bad diagnosis, or news you can’t run from sometimes shit happens and you just have to take it but I haven’t wanted to. The measure of a person being how they take it not how fast they run from it. The rub is wanting to deny it or look away from it, or blame somebody else for it. Not going to work!
Life is hard of this there can be no doubt. Live long enough and this statement becomes old news, life is hard. It is the spiritual tradition that helps us understand that we cannot control things as much as we can control our response. Bad things are going to happen and stubbing your toe can be the least of it, a full on life melt down can be some of the worse. Its life, ask any one suffering because at one point it is all of us. Those who suffer the most know this the most. Suffering becomes a choice because in every life comes suffering, how you deal with it is where your choice lies.
Here’s where asking for help has led me. Nowhere! But this is what I have learned. The human being has great potential and for most it stays locked away. We live lives filled with fear or with ridiculous expectations and then we feel defeated and sit down waiting for life to end. We smoke ourselves to death or do drugs, practice avoidance, deal in anger, it’s all bull shit. Asking for help can only open doors but no one can force us through. Asking for help and then being open to how it comes is living on the edge.
I live with a volatile situation, what’s funny is I also did when I was small, so did my parents, volatile situations were a part of my life. PTSD is not just for soldiers or ‘other’ people, there are hundreds of thousands of children who live with PTSD like I did, like my children do, like my grandson does.
My mother took a decidedly absent role and I was left alone to deal with things way past my pay grade. From her I learned the power of running, it’s a good technique but with not a lot of success for those left behind. As my son reminded and reminded me as he drug me back again and again to a situation that I now know I have to deal with until my last breath if God wills it.
Running and avoidance are the two techniques flowing through our society as people finger point rather than take responsibility for nightmares in their families. Watch intervention shows you’ll see it. Frankly I have wanted to do it. This nightmare of bipolar, PTSD, substance abuse, you name it runs like water through my family and finally I have had enough. I have been broken enough. I have been afraid long enough.
I ran 3 months ago not knowing what to do. I have been dealing with loss for 4 years now. I have swallowed a very bitter pill given to me by those who claimed to love me. There is no doubt life is hard when the pain you feel inside comes from the loss of integrity of those you love. It’s a hard knock life, right?
What is it really? Potential. Life lessons that change the game so profoundly that generations of my children’s children will feel the effects. I am changing the game myself. One of the people I went to for help asked me about my spiritual practice. The point being this person pretended not to know or to think that through this difficult period I do not have God right at the tip of my tongue. Who do you think is holding me together?
2 things happened this morning that helped paved the way for the monumental change my family will experience. I was finally given the sentences I needed to hear that put me back in the game. You see I kept thinking that there was someone out there with more pull than I had, more power than I have to get this job done, to make the change that will allow success were there hasn’t been any before. I was so wrong and the sentences fill me with so much fear. I have to take the reins for myself. The same reins I have been trying hard to find someone to give to, someone I thought more worthy of the job.
I see now that the only way I am going to be able to do what I need to do is to find the strength to do it for myself. The answer was in my own strength, my own desire to change things. The road is hard and it will be often like walking on an edge. Funny really, spiritual teacher teach yourself. My success is finally realizing that the edge I have walked on for so long thinking it my failure is the experience I need to succeed. Walking on the edge is not knowing where you are going, and because you are on the edge you sometimes don’t realize the danger. You can fall off blame yourself and not see the lesson or you can keep walking.
I have known faith I have talked faith I have lived in faith off and on. But my path has become narrow and I am out on an edge. Walking the edge now is walking in faith. To keep walking now is to not know where I am going or frankly how I am going to get there but the word is I don’t have to. I can do it filled with all of the fear in the universe as long as I keep walking not running. I will keep living my life on the edge allowing greatness rather than fear to be my motivator. I think maybe as I get use to being on the very edge I have hated for years it will build excitement for the awesomeness I just can’t see yet, just there on either side of the cliff. And one day the life I am living on the edge will turn into a great foundation for my families future success and none of us will ever fall again.