traveling alone and dealing with fear


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There can be no doubt we are by nature fearful creatures. I figure it comes from being chased as prey, a deep-seated memory that frankly does us good for survival, and hurts us when spreading one wings to become a more well-rounded person. A person can be so filled with fear that traveling or doing is not a good idea, thank you I’ll be staying at home. We are not as safe as we think we are, nor are we as unsafe, maybe we should relax our grip on fear. Not to mention that after being on the planet for so long fear is not as much of a tool as intelligence for staying alive anyway.¬†Reminds me of horror movies where they will inevitably run towards the horror rather than away. Why do they always go and check out the basement? Plus running away screaming is not a good look on anyone, esp men, just saying.

Cut to me walking across Paris when I spy with my eye the very same ferris wheel I had seen the last time I was here at Christmas, the pic above. It is huge, my words, and you sit in a covered car, seats facing each other for a slow up and around to enjoy the view of Paris. I tried to stay in line last time and chickened out as every excuse came to mind; I am in a foreign country what happens if it falls apart and starts wheeling its way to China? What happens if I am up there and it stops? With this cold I would freeze to death. What happens if I pass out and slip through the crack to my death? followed by the line is just too long. Whew, didn’t have to do that. Lost in a fog of memories and fear I was actually walking right towards it.

As luck would have it, cursing myself under my breath, and why did I walk this way? I walked right up to it and got on. No time to think and if I had it would occur to me that a ferris wheel never just loads and goes it has to slowly be loaded as each car fills and slowly unloaded, and you become stranded at the top, waiting for each car to empty. There you are swinging, being blown by the wind while you wait, God my stomach hurts just writing this. I nearly screamed when my brain woke up and told me all the horror I could expect.

Not to embarrass myself in a foreign country, I had a death grip on my seat, why gritting my teeth. Voice in my head, I am sitting in car alone, no one to balance my car, I feel the wind, ok, gently swaying, screams are forming, death grip continues and eyes closed. The ferris wheel went up and around, nice and easy, be calm it was so quiet, and then I looked out.., snapped a fricking picture…

 

 

 

 

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picture for proof as none of my kids would believe I did this and rode it by myself, fu*king hell yah. It was scary. I was scared every minute, and I was excited. I know the more I can make myself do these fearful things I will pull myself up and out of this horror that has been my last few years. There is no fear like real fear, it’s a motivator, and people made up fear, well it can kiss my lovely ass.

Following said ferris wheel adventure, I kicked the hell out of the subway again, went for a walk without a map, got lost but now I am found. Off for a massage, so I can continue making Paris my bitch, ok that’s was harsh, but you get the drill.

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