I have just dealt with another loss. And loss of any kind is hard on humans, it’s not fun. it’s not fair. I hate it and the word hate doesn’t quite describe it. I have dealt with a lot of loss in that last few years. The loss of people family and things. And really I wasn’t in the mood for any more pain or loss for a while. Guess who had other plans for me and my tear ducts.

I have lost something of great value so that makes the loss sting all the more. And that gives me pain. I go through the steps of loss like everyone even when I know and accept that a greater power is in charge. And I feel inside myself a desire to be pissed off, again not a word that is strong enough for the emotion behind, Why God? Why me? Why again? I am mad. I am f**king mad.

I go to sleep with the feeling of loss I wake up with the sensation of loss. I lost something of great value and I can’t replace it, yet! My feelings are hurt and I want to blame anyone and anything. You can see it in my eyes you can hear it in my voice and my children are watching. My grandson put his arms around me the day the loss was something I had to accept, he felt it too. Loss is loss what ever you lose he knew that. But he spoke hope into my ear, “it will be ok Grandma”

The picture is the sunrise this morning. As I wait for work at my house to be finished I am staying at a room overlooking the lake. I am going home after a month of being away in California and now here taking care of business I have to carry this loss into my house. My grandson told me it would be ok. And as everyone watches I have to take it like a f**king champ. I have to stand in that space of everything happens for a reason. I have to stand in that space after every f**king loss in order for my kids who have no one but me leading our family ship to know that life will go on when really I am so done! But I just keep going. My grandson told me everything would be ok.

I woke to that sunrise. I woke up and that sun had the audacity to be so beautiful right outside of my room and right in my face. My heart is like a heavy burden overwhelmed by things I can’t understand today but I see the sun and it is another day and I am not dead, my kids are ok, my grandson is fine, and my  grand-daughter will be here soon. SO I accept the loss, these things that were of great value both in their worth and my love for them, and now they are gone, my grandson told me everything would be ok, he gave me hope.

I accept this loss but it feels like being burned by fire

through fire the phoenix rises

and through agony hope is born

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