new life


imagesMy daughter had her baby on Saturday. A beautiful new life came to us and not without great fanfare. My daughter was quite uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy as most women are, and we had wanted the baby to come early as it seemed the easiest way for Natalie to be comfortable again. I gave her a mudra to help bring on labor and as if on cue into labor she went. Everything about the delivery was as difficult as her pregnancy and I knew this new little girl had big things planned here on earth. Her arrival was anything but normal. In one brief moment it went from being a regular delivery to they both were in trouble, a mothers worse nightmare.

My daughters temperature was climbing with the intensity of her labor and the baby was not faring much better. Her heartbeat was erratic which indicated she may have had an infection or Natalie had one they couldn’t tell and the first round of antibiotics did nothing to slow the fever. Then the ob doctor finally arrives and I knew by the look on her face we weren’t in a happy space. She wanted to say something without saying it, “we could go on and keep trying to push”, the baby was just rocking back and forth and not making much progress towards her birth, “or, we could…” and there they were the words I didn’t want to hear, “we could do a c-section and get the baby out”.

Can there be a decision made after such a sentence, get the baby out, it was tense and in another moment I had to encourage my daughter to do the hardest thing, to give up and give it over, to God, to the doctors. I stayed with her to go through surgery as her husband was so overwhelmed I couldn’t imagine him having to do it. They made me wait outside of the operating room and I knew something was up, and there was. They had surrounded her so quickly I can barely remember it, just that sense of knowing something was wrong, I prayed a prayer that could be heard throughout all of eternity for my daughter who I had no idea was in distress unable to communicate her needs, I was far away from her on the other side of a door.

They had to put her to sleep, so uncool to see your daughter so far away from herself while her body was getting ready to have a baby, so uncool. And in a flash there she was, they pulled that baby out of her so fast. I saw them place the baby on Natalie and she never cried. They moved her and there she laid in her infant incubator so small, not crying, not feeling right, her feet and hands white, I was so lost for a moment in a sense away from myself because of the stress. My daughter didn’t get to see her baby born but I did, she didn’t get to be with her baby right after birth but I did, and then I prayed. I prayed such a prayer as I have never prayed before, everything scary had to stop, it had to stop, everything had to be ok, then it had to be fine, then it had to be better, I called upon on God, I called upon all that is in the creative universe to make it better, to fix it, my granddaughter and my daughter, just fix it, I said in my loudest sternest voice to the heavens.  I put my hand on my little granddaughters little chest encouraging her and couldn’t even look over at my daughter who was still so far away from her body, so I looked at my granddaughter pushing my life force into her, then there she was, looking out her eyes, moving the blood through her body, there she was.

I had to leave the hospital soon after they brought the baby up for her father to see. I had hurt my back helping Natalie in labor, I was in pain and frankly I needed to cry, big fat tears of horror and joy. My daughter has gone through an incredible karmic journey to bring this girl to the earth for her new life but I get the sense from her this is certainly not her first…

And someday her mother and I will share this story with her. A story that speaks to the pain of being human, the pain of being born, and through this journey we learn it is indeed a good thing to be born, a good thing to be a human, and a great thing watching new life beginning again.

Standing through the fall


IMG_0716Here in northern Minnesota we are in full fall swing. The air is crisp and clear the leaves in various states of turning, falling and gone. There is a start to fall, you can feel it. It happens in late September like a switch goes off and the sun is lower in the sky the birds head out, even the butterfly’s take their leave. Fall is in the air and all over the ground.For me there is still a mystery about the fall season.

I grew up in Florida with basically one season and all through high school we so wanted to be able to wear the fall fashions but putting on a sweater no matter how cool it looked it was still hot outside. Here it is not hot outside so grab a sweater and your long underwear and prepare for the on slot of winter just around the corner. Time to turn in.

Winter is the season of hibernation but fall is the prep time needed for the sleep. What dreams will we have during the winters slumber? What new life will emerge from our thinking having been made clear by so much time spent in the dark. Fall is when we see the reward of our work and the harvest  of summers seeking. What we planted in the spring and watched grow in the summer is what we take with us in the fall contemplating how to do better in winters sleep.

Fall is an active time and a wonderful time to be where you are, see the bloom of where you were planted. Contemplate your life. Think on where you are and why. When one is stuck in victim thinking the fall pulls everything away from your sight and in the dark you have an opportunity to see your responsibility and how to change the course of your next season.

The world gives us over and over again ways to improve and see and learn and do better,it is the goal. It is the goal for parents, for partners, and an innate desire to fulfill our destiny. Let the fall move things away from your eyes. Think on that which is important and work to remove false thinking. Nothing is more important than your health and well being followed by the health and well being of those you have influence over.

Fall is the season of falling, leaving things behind that are no longer useful or helpful. Faith is renewed with the letting go of that which is done and can be used to allow for new growth and new blessing. If you will but stand up through the fall and let it all go then when the darkness of winter is upon you you can dream a new dream and quit rehashing the negative patterns that you know hold you and your family back.

I am going to stand through the rest of my fall trim the dead branches from my life of negativity and limited thinking. By the time of winter solstice I will have emptied the full to bursting storehouse of horror stories and made room for the new seeds that I intend to plant for the spring. This is but one of the many promises made to us. The promise of being reborn.

The changing season are like day to night a renewal everyday. We go to sleep dying to that day awaking reborn the next. In the spring there is a renewal of the year another opportunity to move forward not held in fear or false promises. So don’t just fall down like the leaves know as you fly off the tree it is the greatest the gift of trying again, starting over, being reborn.