My God its full of stars

images-6One of my favorite lines in the 2001 Space Odyssey movie, so it was apt that when sitting at my writing desk I looked at my ceiling feeling exasperated and remarked , My God its full of webs. Little bitty webs hiding in plain sight.

I am farsighted so I see fine without my glasses. Of course that’s as long as I don’t want to see what’s right in front of me. Slight exaggeration but this needing glasses every fricking minute is getting on my last nerve. I won’t wear them all of the time and it’s slowly becoming a problem. As a Virgo I keep my house CLEAN, no lie ask my kids I need my house clean. Or so I thought was the case until I realized that not wearing my glasses while cleaning was a joke. But I didn’t see it, hardy har! Dust still everywhere, boo!!!!!!!

I remember my mom talking about looking at herself in the mirror after she hit midlife. She talked the glorious-ness of soft focus. She still looked beautiful but in soft focus she looked as she remembered. Not wearing her glasses allowed the vanity of not knowing just how many wrinkles were erupting minute by minute on her older face. This let her keep her beauty, her youthful beauty because she never stopped being beautiful. Me, I don’t care about that. I taught myself not to look in the mirror so I wouldn’t shock the sh*t out myself every time I saw my mom looking back at me. My mother is gone it is very disconcerting to see her looking back at me.

Meditation is what I do daily to clear my mind so I may see clearly what is going on and why in my life. But for some reason I have become resistant to “seeing” out my eyes refusing to wear my glasses at home. I have left the house without them countless times, can’t read a menu, can’t read signs, can’t read labels, prices, it’s a drag. The fact that I am coming out of a depressed time probably has something to do with it. Why see what you don’t want to see. Problem is I can’t keep doing this. It is not the path of the spiritual student, depressed or not. Doing spiritual work does not give me a get out of jail card for dealing with the physical plane I am indeed living on. One must do the work.

So I am putting on my glasses a little more often so I can see. No point of meditating, polishing the mirror for my internal eyes if I leave my physical eyes in the dark. To be a fully spiritual being having a physical experience is to marry the experiences of the spiritual and the physical plane. The greatest work we do is spiritualizing matter and we do this by following the universal laws. Putting the unseen before the seen. Force before form. In the end I need my glasses.

So, if I would like to keep my designated nature as a compulsive neat freak intact I am going to have to wear my glasses while I clean. Then write a note to myself to put them on and look at myself and clothes before I walk out the door. For heavens sake how many times have I found a stain or my lipstick smeared, time to check the mirror more often. Same sentence applies to the spiritual I check in meditating to feel my true self, to ‘see’ my truth and to ‘see’ that I am on the path and to know I am not alone. The meditating moves to more than once a day to keep the internal mirror clearer still and I will wear my glasses so the external is just as clear.

So tonight when I look at the night sky with my glasses on I bet I say, My God its full of stars.

I turned the other check as I fell on my ass

IMG_1964 This is Zeus, many of you have met him before. Zeus is currently my spiritual teacher and a royal pain in my ass. This is him after another offense, having to deal with the shame of hurting me. As my spiritual teacher he has a unique style of teaching me things. Let me tell you an example.

When he was but a wee thing learning the fine art of walking on a leash he put me on my ass for the first time. We were visiting the backyard neighbor and his dog as we walked home from a walk. It was still winter here in Minnesota and though there was no snow on the ground it was frozen and hard as a brick. His dog a much older dog and mine were playing and he and I were chatting. The dogs were running around having a great time. In a flash they ran and Zeus spun me around dodging the other dog and pulled me down hard on my ass. For a brief second I saw stars, I couldn’t feel my legs, my breath was gone, I fu*king hit my ass right down on the bottom of my spine. It rang my bell as we say. I got up and made light of it as  I didn’t want the old man to feel bad.  He couldn’t even help me up and the dogs and I were tangled in leashes for a minute. It was a painful walk back to the house.

From that moment on I had back pain. Reoccurring back pain when ever I walked, awesome! It was so bad I would have to just stop walking waiting for my back to relax so I could continue walking. Not walking wasn’t an option as the dog was a puppy. I kept with my yoga had to see the doctor a number of times. The worst was when my daughter was at least 8 months pregnant. We were in TJ Maxx and my back went out and my ridiculously pregnant daughter had to help me walk. We went up to the mall for the eastern guys to make it better. That man nearly stood on my back forcing it back into submission. I would marry him if I could remember him I just remember wanting to die and then being ok with continuing to live. Back pain is the bane of my existence and has been my uninvited guest for months now.

Fast forward to a few days ago and the miracle. The dog and I as usual on our walk made difficult by back pain. We were headed back towards the house just a few blocks away when a squirrel ran and got Zeus’s attention and on instinct he went after him. I was at the end of my walk not even paying attention when he took off. He whipped me all the way around and I fell on my ass, again! Praise God I didn’t hit the sidewalk I hit the ground and fu*king hard, it rang my bell again. Embarrassment is always the first thing that happens when you fall in public but all I could think of was my back and how I was going to kill(sort of kidding) the dog when I could up and get to him. Car going by, me up and walking no problem , no really I’m fine. Zeus was on his back begging forgiveness he knew what was happening. We walked home S L O W L Y.

Well it turns out that last fall was me turning the other cheek and all of the back pain I was having because of the first fall was gone. As far as I’m concerned this is a register-able miracle because I am not in pain and that dog pulled me down hard. I haven’t had a single problem walking him since he dropped me to the ground. I wouldn’t even talk about it until I had pushed my myself walking in places that make walking hard. Every time we headed out I waited for the pain and it just stopped coming. That dog pulled me to my ass and in that moment I turned the other cheek and God gave me a break.

I guess sometimes we are turning the other cheek subconsciously and don’t even know it. My falling on my ass must have been the outward sign that it was happening to me. See you can pay the big bucks and a teacher can tell you wise stuff or you can walk your dog and watch God teach you everything you ever need to know by putting you on your ass.


Raking mad beauty

IMG_1170 Aww, the beauty of fall. This year was a good one for color and we got to have our leaves for a while. Walking through the neighborhood you could see the beauty of the leaves all in different states of getting their fall on. Most of the time the leaves would change and we would get a rain storm that would pull all the leaves down before we could really enjoy them. Not this year, lots of leaves lots of color but then I look as my yard was deeply buried under the beauty of the leaves. I could hear the grass choking under a sea of yellow and red. There were leaves everywhere.

I looked for my rack. All I was going to do was take the heaviest layer off the grass. This helps the yard next year get the light it needs in the early spring not hindered by leaves. If I don’t do it now I have to do it in the spring, and I could see the yard doesn’t like leaf invasion one bit. So I grabbed the rake and went at it.

After a while I began to sense something about the leaves, something sinister. As I raked the leaves they wouldn’t easily move and seemed to multiply and multiply. What’s with the leaves? I was moving a mountain of leaves and it seemed to be moving itself around as well.

The leaves on the yard at first looked so beautiful and safe but it was a false face, a trap for the muddy wet layer just under the surface. Ready to pull me on my ass! Mad leaves, depressed over their imminent demise.

I believe the leaves are making a point about not feeling appreciated. They barely turn color and we are stuffing them in bags, mowing the piss out of them or blowing them into the neighbor’s yard. I think the leaves wish to be left alone to be allowed to bask in their own glory and left to die in peace without our interference.

I for one am all for it. I will rake the rest next year after their death and final resurrection as mulch in the spring.