An ode to guilt


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Guilt

Oh how we hold our head up so high

pretending to reach a God in the sky

but we worship our pain

and we wallow in dread

aww the sound of guilt became our god in its stead

we think ourselves capable of making this choice

as if we created this guilt ridden voice

sad is the human with so much to bear

the guilt and the pain always ever there

the ego inside us a seed once planted

became the voice of reason even though slanted

why do we listen to such a negative Nancy

or wear the clothes of the ego we think so fancy

what if what is taught is marvelously wrong

and we are allowed to sing a different song

does God truly wish for us to suffer

or are we using guilt as a giant buffer

the ego we lift and hold with such fervor

is the enemy at the gate you should send further

away from the door and our precious heart

turn away from your guilt and make a fresh start

listen instead to the spirits around you

they are speaking in words not to confound you

it is God’s greatest gift to lift up your life

to heal your heart from all of its strife

the sound of guilt suddenly missing

allows the gift of love to keep on giving

a new voice that sounds so loud in your head

Why ever did we listen to the guilt instead?

Forgiveness


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I’ve always had a hard time with forgiveness not that forgiveness is hard it just seemed like a get out of jail card. “That’s ok I forgive you”, over and over and nobody learns and you become a doormat of “that’s ok I forgive you”.

The course of miracles assigns forgiveness as the only act we need perform. That not being forgiving is what is causing the breakdown of our lives. This action takes us back to what they consider the original sin, the guilt that plagues us because we turned away from God and are ultimately responsible for the need of a savior that had to die for us.

Our unwillingness to forgive ourselves holds us away from the love of God that is ever-present though unrecognizable. Most everyone who has suffered abuse by family members find forgiveness difficult and it becomes a hallmark of their lives. Oh woe is me and all that has happened. It takes a long time to realize the pettiness of our lives is surrounded by our small-minded thinking that we came to this world to be victims of it.

Forgiveness is the key to power. When a person moves away from childish thoughts and immature beliefs, we can begin to open our eyes to a greater belief in what life is about. It is but growth, and the hardest form of growth because it is seemingly hard forgiving someone who would rather you see you in pain and/or dead. As children we do not see our parents or any abuse as a fault of the perpetrator but only in a guilt ridden state of ‘what did I do to deserve this’, which becomes a mantle life rests on.

If we can make that bend in the road towards maturity and spiritual maturity at that, we can see the pain of our others that has only been seen as “what a bitch you are”, “how could you treat me so badly?” to what motivates their need to perpetrate pain on others to begin with. Like the Christ said, “Father, forgive them they know not what they do.” is that awareness. Those who are motivated by fear lead fearful lives. What’s hard to see is that those perpetrating pain are the most fearful.

In a world of eat or be eaten, you can see how this theory plays out. Who ever has the loudest voice, most powerful fist, gun or bomb, becomes the winner. But it is their fear that makes them want to shoot first ask questions later. That’s still a child’s game.

Forgiveness is what most women will carry for their children as an act of unconditional love. The wise woman who understands her man. But do not think forgivenss as act of weakness because it is only the strong who recognize truth, beyond what it is wrapped in. If my child is lying then it is because they fear being found out.

So I guess they are right, forgiveness is an act of love and the greatest of all actions. It does not produce doormats, or weak women who can’t or won’t get away from an abuser. Forgiveness is an act of strength and is an active word. We can forgive as we move on, we can forgive as we try to forget, we can forgive because love is a force whose true strength really is not recognized in our world of pop culture, and popularity contests.

For the new year, choose someone or some act perpratrated against you to forgive. From your mother, father, brother, sister, child, priest, teacher, lover, husband, wife, any group of people or organizations. Because in the end forgiveness will release you. The energy it takes to stay in anger, fear or loathing is great, and unnecessary. Open your eyes and your mind to what growth would be yours if forgiveness was your next move.

Let’s make 2018 great, let’s do it for ourselves and watch how it releases everyone.

 

Dreamers


 

 

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We are the dreamers

the ones who see things changed

We are the weavers

the ones who spin reality’s web

We are the dreamers

the ones who see new visions freed

We are the weavers

the ones who make them true

We are the dreamers

that see the world of what could be

We are the weavers

that make the could be a would be

We are the dreamers

let us do our work

We are the weavers

watch then follow the signs

We are the dreamers

dreaming a new world awake

We are the weavers

working for all of our sakes

Dream a dream of a new day

and we will weave that world

and hope and pray it stays

 

Here’s some perspective for you


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I woke up in pain, nope, my body woke me up because it was experiencing horrifying pain. There was an ice pick in my head trying to kill me, or at least that is the image these headaches give me. I have a migraine condition that makes my body a prison cell one I can’t leave as anyone with intelligence would, when something as untenable as this MF pain comes to call.

I used to go to the hospital for them and beg for relief, now they just see me as a drug seeking middle-aged woman when I have the money to be a well-tended drug addict if I wished, street drugs are easy to find. But that’s not what I want. But what I don’t want is this pain that eats at me until the only thing I can think about is the knife in my kitchen that will fucking end my misery, yea that’s how bad it gets that. I would rather be dead than spend anther millisecond in a body that is such a bitch.

I have been betrayed, my heart-broken by would be friends and others who decided my money so very interesting and heart pain hurts like hell. It makes it hard to look at humans because lying is so easy to some, no really let’s be friends, no really I care about you, Fuck all of you! But heart pain can be dealt with by hardening the heart. Now there are gates in place, do not disturb signs, it won’t be so easy to break my heart again.

But this betrayal by my own flesh is something that gives me pause. I have had to step away from body countless times, and I watch her writhing in pain, is this life… As the reason to keep going dwindles in a life that has stopped like sailboat with no wind, a headache gives me the continued thought of why go on.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing this level of pain, I’ve had babies, back when they made us poor people push them out, drugs were for them, not me. I’ve had multiple surgeries, frozen shoulder twice, plantar fasciitis for nearly 3 years, both feet, believe me I know pain. I’ve done hospice work, I know other’s pain.  My mother died of bone cancer. But this head pain is swift and punishing in a way that moves my sense of right and what the fuck could be wrong with ending it myself. Everyone of my children have had to watch me at this level of pain, I HATE THAT, my eldest had to listen to me beg for the knife I knew was on his belt, that was a bad headache… is bad even a word for what this is

So here’s my perspective for you. I’m suffering in this lifetime for whatever reason, karmically, just bad DNA, my granny had migraines, big secret because of the drugs she probably begged for. If you do not have horrifying pain, or are watching someone suffer with debilitating pain, then get down on your knees and thank whatever God you believe in.

No need to worry Im writing so the pain has back up enough that the knife stays in the drawer, for today………..

Baby it’s dark outside


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Here in the Northland, daytime is but a memory as clouds, snow and 3:30 sunsets become the norm. In this part of the world the idea of the Winter Solstice and the return of light, is the light at the end of the tunnel reminding us that the universe does a lot of work under the cover darkness but the promise of the return is inevitable, and undeniable.

I have holiday lights ever twinkling, candles always burning and have created a beautiful cave for this season of interior work. While it is often hard to deal with so much dark there is an innate intimacy that is created between myself and the would be spirits that hang around. I feel the spirit of my grandma when I think on my loneliness and feel her assure me I am not alone.

When the sun does come out for just a brief time I stand in my window and let its rays wash over me so I can remember and stay hopeful for its return. I love the sun and sitting outside, less lonely out there. But now I sit inside looking out, it can be lonely in here. So as soon as I wake and after the so-called sunshine goes down, I turn on my twinkling lights and burn my candles and sit in this wonderland that I have created.

Only in the quiet do we hear the sound of our soul’s yearning and learn to discern the voice that may be God’s. Only in the dark without witness can I let myself be free to be me. In the dark where I am not afraid but released from eyes that hold judgement and I can sing and dance, and cry and scream, until all of me is free. My spirit soars into the sky, my dreams become bigger and the dragon I ride moves darkness away. The darkness is a presence that seeks to keep me down, but that’s not what the dark is outside this time of year.

This darkness is a blanket, it is a freedom of sort, a blank slate for recreating. This time of year reminds us of the impermanence of all things. Just like the dark to the day. The seasons call on us to change, be more, be different, be the same, just be, because the greatest gift to humans is our ability and freedom to be-come.

You may become whatever you wish. So baby it maybe dark outside but inside of the soul is a light that can’t be put out, unless you put it out. Use the dark to find your true self. Use the dark and be silent and listen to your hearts desire. Sing your song, write your story, be your dream.

The dark is only scary if you have no awareness of your light. Shine on baby, shine on!

 

Snowfall


There is a gentle snow falling

covering the tracks

of the world and its noise

sending ugliness back

it falls on my face

and right down my arms

it seems so clean

with its clever charms

everyone loves snow

the children to play

but the snow covers tracks

that should have stayed

are we fooled so easily

by bright white snow

to think what lies beneath

had somewhere else to go

like a mouse to a cat

go ahead take that step

one leg to the knee

the next to the neck

the snow’s not your friend

nor a white wash for pain

its a sign that unconsciousness

is most peoples game