I woke up in pain, nope, my body woke me up because it was experiencing horrifying pain. There was an ice pick in my head trying to kill me, or at least that is the image these headaches give me. I have a migraine condition that makes my body a prison cell one I can’t leave as anyone with intelligence would, when something as untenable as this MF pain comes to call.
I used to go to the hospital for them and beg for relief, now they just see me as a drug seeking middle-aged woman when I have the money to be a well-tended drug addict if I wished, street drugs are easy to find. But that’s not what I want. But what I don’t want is this pain that eats at me until the only thing I can think about is the knife in my kitchen that will fucking end my misery, yea that’s how bad it gets that. I would rather be dead than spend anther millisecond in a body that is such a bitch.
I have been betrayed, my heart-broken by would be friends and others who decided my money so very interesting and heart pain hurts like hell. It makes it hard to look at humans because lying is so easy to some, no really let’s be friends, no really I care about you, Fuck all of you! But heart pain can be dealt with by hardening the heart. Now there are gates in place, do not disturb signs, it won’t be so easy to break my heart again.
But this betrayal by my own flesh is something that gives me pause. I have had to step away from body countless times, and I watch her writhing in pain, is this life… As the reason to keep going dwindles in a life that has stopped like sailboat with no wind, a headache gives me the continued thought of why go on.
I know I’m not the only one experiencing this level of pain, I’ve had babies, back when they made us poor people push them out, drugs were for them, not me. I’ve had multiple surgeries, frozen shoulder twice, plantar fasciitis for nearly 3 years, both feet, believe me I know pain. I’ve done hospice work, I know other’s pain. My mother died of bone cancer. But this head pain is swift and punishing in a way that moves my sense of right and what the fuck could be wrong with ending it myself. Everyone of my children have had to watch me at this level of pain, I HATE THAT, my eldest had to listen to me beg for the knife I knew was on his belt, that was a bad headache… is bad even a word for what this is
So here’s my perspective for you. I’m suffering in this lifetime for whatever reason, karmically, just bad DNA, my granny had migraines, big secret because of the drugs she probably begged for. If you do not have horrifying pain, or are watching someone suffer with debilitating pain, then get down on your knees and thank whatever God you believe in.
No need to worry Im writing so the pain has back up enough that the knife stays in the drawer, for today………..