Here’s my declaration. Here is my truth. This is my line in the sand.
I have made a mistake. One that is nearly 12 years old now. A continuous mistake that I have been trying to fix, inside myself mostly. It has been a costly mistake, financially yes, but far worse, emotionally.
I gave up my power to another. I gave away my dignity. I nearly broke myself.
I don’t want to say I was caught up in a cult but I was behaving like I was and so were they. Nothing anybody could say would change my mind about this person until I found myself boo hooing again. Surprised by continuous let downs, oh did it happen again, people would say knowing I had lost my fu*king mind. Just like the song lyrics, whoops I did it again, he played with my heart and I got lost in the game, oh baby baby, maybe Brittany knew something I needed to know.
I have been railing against this knowledge because I kept thinking I was to smart for someone to take over my life and override my common sense. I have been the boss of myself since I was a child, never needed someone to tell me anything and then I got sick and didn’t want to die. So I let someone tell me what to do and I followed them like a child forgetting that even I in my ignorance knew God was in charge.
As I watched myself do it again, put myself in harm’s way, allowing that other voice to lie to me again, it just felt like a sick addiction and I was sick of myself. I had been through too much for this stupidity, yet here I was doing it again. I was so lost in my life that going backward and back into the trap seemed the only answer to all this loneliness and horror.
Wrong, so f*cking wrong.
Where are the brakes in my mind? Where is the delete button? Where is the reset button? But it would never be that easy. I had something to figure out, a need to know. Why do we do this? Why do intelligent people give themselves away to charismatic teachers? Why do we sign so many checks?
I have started watching documentaries on cults and spiritual teachers from other lands in my country stepping on the backs of their students and followers until kool-aide is served or your back account empty and your worth stripped away and you are sent away or to jail. These teachers were just here to play, with our minds and hearts. People meant to be trusted. The hardest thing about watching the others talk about it on camera especially about their leader was how much I saw of myself and my own stupidity and desire for someone else to lead. What is wrong with us? Are we really sheep that need to be led? Hell to the yes, it seems.
Our creator put a brain in our head. We are supposed to be using it ourselves, not fueling other egos or being brainwashed. I feel bad for all the middle age women who are lost and with money whose lives have been sacrificed by a being with the sole agenda of fame and money. There is no love there as they proclaim, I love you I love you I love you, palms pressed together, lies all lies. How do you love what you so easily give away or steal or take? It’s not love, its manipulation.
It’s our fault. We did this. We allowed it. I did this. I allowed this. My mistake!
So I made this mistake and now in confession I will stop making it.
I would love to hear from others who have had similar experiences and learn what helped you to finally move on.
God help us all!