Does it take strength to be strong?


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And does it make you strong to have strength?

There is a yoga sequence we do called t-sequence, you stand feet together, arms out, shoulder height elbows straight, like a T. We hold this in class anywhere from 3 minutes( I wish) to however long teacher decides we need to have our arms out straight without screaming for mercy. Try it, see how long you can do it! Because it’s funny, women with no real body strength are so much more likely to be able to hold their arms out longer than men who claim to be strong.

Eventually we get it does not take being strong to have strength. I may not be strong but don’t you mess with me or you will see my strength.

Being strong is awesome I need someone strong to open things and destroy things but thats it. I’ll need your strength for every thing else. Strong will not hold my heart, it will not ease my pain, it will not kiss the boo boo away, but your strength will.

I don’t need you to lift a car today I need you to have the strength to sit with me while I feel this way, and cry or laugh. Your strength gives me the freedom to be vulnerable. If you wave your strong in my face I may falter and not speak to you. I need strength to get me through.

When I reach for creator because there is no one else to reach towards I need creator’s strength. I need to know I’ll be ok and that God has my back. Because you people who claim to be strong often run when the going gets tough. You may be strong but truly you are weak. What happens to you when the strong is gone?

I’m tired of strong, I’ve been strong my entire life in every way possible, I have tried to be so strong until life got so hard, so difficult, so painful, that I let the pile of control I was holding fall to the floor. I told using manipulative people to hit the road. I refused the strong arm applied to make me feel weak and unsure. I refused the strong worded opinionated human and had them take their story of strong somewhere else.

In essence I told strong to move on and I felt my strength comeback to me.

the art of sacrifice


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I have been trying to understand the difficulties of my life in a different way, through a different lens. Frankly if I don’t do something my head is going to blow off. I’ve had enough. Every time I turn around lately something is going on that threatens to derail my peace, over and over again, my peace is invaded either with negative thoughts or images and all due to the horror in our world. So many people are suffering! But it seems to me there is no way to get through life with any sense of reality unless we understand suffering and sacrifice.

I’ve been hearing  for a while now and frankly I feel the same way about, how hard everything is right now. How hard life is, how hard it is to have a child, how hard it is to hold our families together. While no one said life would be easy and that having a child is a pathway filled with bliss I don’t think any one anticipates the many pitfalls along the path meant to trip our children up. I believe that having a child is the most difficult job there is and for most, the one they are least qualified for. It’s a forever job, a real sacrifice.

Many spiritual story’s speak of a being that comes, bringing wisdom, bearing a light into the ignorance of darkness and in the end has to sacrifice so that light may reign and the promise of prosperity rules. This same story can play out in our homes when our parents sacrifice so that the children may thrive. To have children is the highest blessing and draws to you a constant stream of sacrifice you must swim in.

In a contrived world of “let’s stay positive” and “everything is coming up roses” is the need of a reality check. Being positive is amazing but living with a veil over your eyes doesn’t help you or anyone around you. Having the strength to live a life of constant sacrifice is a high spiritual teaching and the only true road of growth and sometimes it’s not a positive place. There is no love without sacrifice and until you truly love someone you will not get this. Like many women know, we will lift cars off our children if we need too.

When we take children on we must fully understand the nature of the sacrifice.

When we choose a career over family we must understand the sacrifice. When we choose any one thing over another we must understand the sacrifice. It is where most people trip up. Unable to move, unable to choose, unwilling to fall, unwilling to fail, chaos has to move our antipathy. To change and move towards the best version of ourselves is to sacrifice what comforts we embraced and exchanged for our excellence. We either sacrifice for our wants and needs or we are sacrificed for someone else’s, that of course is your choice. But there is no love without sacrifice.

Do a mental check and find your self-imposed sacrifices. Make sure you are not putting your self on some cross of martyrdom, it’s your life be in charge of it. But let me say this about choosing to raise children or be a support staff for a handicapped individual, do your best job, know and understand the level of the sacrifice asked of you, be a grown up and do your job.

I know the level of dedication it takes to be a mother and a partner plus trying to be a complete “you” but there is such a small amount of time that is given to make a lasting positive affect on someone who needs and counts on you. Learn that true sacrifice is seen by the unseen world as you doing the work of Creator, loving without limits and desires for reward. Did you thank God for that last breath, how about that one? God’s love is a constant sacrifice given to us.

Be a student of God’s love. Practice loving everything. Love without limits and sacrifice your ego to the altar of your family. Be who they need you to be. Ask yourself is someone suffering in your family? If so sacrifice some time and offer it to them with a great big smile.

When you sacrifice in love of your family you will be surrounded by a light that will protect you and lead you right where you need to go. And that’s awesome!

 

 

Kindness of strangers


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There is no way to tell where a person is from just by looking. If you are in a big city anywhere on the planet it has become harder and harder to see who is who and what language they might speak. Having words of any kind on your shirt doesn’t mean you know what they say. It’s the minute you need help that humanity, class and culture come into play.

Some people will not approach certain people out of fear, they are scary looking, sometimes it is their color, or tattoos, piercings, even their gender. Being a woman needing help can make for an interesting minute as you scan the crowd for what might be a kind stranger, some where you hope.

“Excuse me?” Sometimes they stop, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they just didn’t get it or hear you, most of the time its the ‘why are you bothering me look’, as they walk by. We are arrogant in our righteousness as we pass someone needing help. Until we need something…

What we need is the kindness of strangers and funny how the more spiritual work you do, you can see the face of the right one to ask. Woe to those who ask the wrong ones! There needs to be more kindness and less arrogance on this planet. Traveling makes me see too much. But it surly doesn’t keep me from helping someone when they need it, or giving directions even in a foreign language.

I watched today as the Air France flight I was on brought a small child traveling by herself from the back of the plane, where her parent was able to afford a seat, to first class, where she could be properly looked after. On their own they brought her up and kept her calm through the flight, she was 5 flying alone. Wouldn’t you like to know that strangers were being kind to your child, afraid and traveling alone?

I watched as an old woman was trying to get water bottles down from a self, she was struggling and I watched a number of young men pass her as I walked quickly towards her suddenly a gentleman jogged up to help. He didn’t even speak her language, just assisted her, smiled and left. Wouldn’t you like to know your mother/grandmother was being aided wherever she was?

In the first class lounge a man couldn’t be bothered to move his bags as a young mother tried to find a seat, in the first class lounge. Another young man began looking at his shoes as a woman carrying a child got on the subway, the old woman got up and gave up her seat. It’s an interesting world.

Being conscious and living consciously is the ability to see every minute what is going on around you and inside of you. You are not reacting to life you are acting life. You are not behind the ball you are in front of the ball. Are you awake? Do you sleep walk through life? If you cannot yet be fully conscious, can you at least be kind?

When we stop offering kindness as a part of our day, what does that say about us? Is it really so much to expect from people? Are we really to busy to be kind in our dealings? Are we really to busy to hold the door? Is it really to hard just to glance behind yourself? Is checking on the elderly such an inconvenience? Is remembering your friend is always alone and asking them for dinner so hard? Kindness goes a long way in to a person’s heart.

I am advocating kindness. Let’s be awake. Start looking around  and help each other out. This world is hard enough as it is. Being spiritual or a regular church goer, a nun or a priest, none of it means anything if you can’t be kind. It is taught that your life will vastly improve simply by giving without getting anything in return and with no one knowing, it’s the way to guarantee God’s eye. Being kind is one way to practice.

Work hard to realize your presence counts, your word matters, and when you see someone in need, DO SOMETHING!

The in-betweens


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This picture is a perfect representation of my today. I am in-between states, in-between moods, in-between worlds. In other words its the day right after a healing training I just completed. It’s that in-between time of making a huge leap from one state of being to the next state of becoming. Time to take that leap to reach the next level.

I do a lot of spiritual work mostly to be a better mom and grandma and then a citizen of the world. In a world filled with pain and suffering spiritual understanding is the only answer I seek. I believe guidance from within will always lead me to where I need to go, where as guidance from outside takes me where someone else thinks I ought to be. A true spiritual student bears the responsibility of reaching the goal, the teacher can only lead, we have to leap!

Nothing is ever immediate and the letting go of the past conditions of our lives is a tricky thing when dysfunction is the norm in our world. The in-between state is a slippery slope or a rock stuck between two cliffs. What I mean is during the training we got so excited about what we were learning that we saw how putting the practice to work will change our lives for the better. Oh how exciting I just love life, she says walking home from the training with a big smile. Next morning the in-betweens set in.

Life today is the same as the days before the training. Nothing changed in my outer world, still doing dishes, laundry and dealing with life, and it made me feel a little blah. I was on such a high all weekend. Today I am alone in my apartment, what happened? I jumped off my cliff onto the rock, the in-between space, my life has changed but the full on effect will come on like a gentle breeze. The way to move past the in-betweens is to understand that change comes like a subtle wind, we have to trust in the process of change, or we become stuck and maybe find ourselves back on the first cliff afraid to complete the work. We have to have faith, faith in the work, faith in the guiding aspect of God.

My teacher says faith is manifesting evidence. A person with belief only believes because they have been shown. Faith is the eyes that see God and through the work of faith evidence is manifested as that which was done in faith reaps its reward.

So I reach for my spiritual tool belt and put the wisdom to work. I breath in and the most important thing I can remember is that I am not doing any of this for me, or to get anything, I do this work for others who have it worse than I do. I do it to lift the vibration of our world. Because when I elevate myself I elevate everyone. And an elevated world is what I wish to leave for my children and my children’s children.

Enough in-between, I’m jumping to that other cliff!

Blessings in spite of things.


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My Dad once told me we never get things fixed in life, wise words. What we can do is realize we are on a journey called life and we are not here to fix ourselves into some kind of perfected set up. There is no; perfect job, place to live, perfect partner, kids, pets, teacher, preacher. Anything that is working right now may change just as you have gotten use to it. Kids first grade teacher a dream, second grade teacher a nightmare. Neighbors when you moved in, awesome, they move out, new ones move in, nightmare. Job is great until new boss, job sucks. It only takes one adjustment to throw your perfected thought into the nearest trashcan.

The list can go on of things that were ok for a while and become a nightmare at some point. It’s a drag for sure, favorite shirt gets a stain, favorite store closes, friends move away, on and on. Looked at now my Dads infernal obsession with Murphy’s law makes sense, ‘anything that can go wrong will’! Of course if you expect something to go wrong with every or even one aspect of your life, believe me it will, Murphy is cool like that.

But we all have heard by now thousands of times, everything is happening just as it will, there are no accidents, there is a purpose to everything. It’s easy to see that when we get hung up on some aspect of our life and start clinging to it that it can be the sign for the universe to step in with your next lesson. Life is about the journey and the climb out of ignorance. A walk we must take if we wish to grow away from the short sided vision we have of life.

You could say in the big picture every difficult thing that happens, every upheaval is meant to better align you with truth. It is meant to open your eyes to the reality of life. We are not here on Planet Earth for the long haul. This is a way station, a school for learning what you need to get where you desired to go as you move through your spiritual rise to greater consciousness. Every upset or set back must be used as a set up for what could be a climb on your ladder of consciousness. Far better to learn and rise than be pushed around by life unsure what you are doing or where you are going.

Either you are in charge of your world paying attention to the signs freely given to us or you are walking in the dark. When we fall prey to hardships and get negative about our circumstances we will find they are happy to oblige us with repeat performances until we get so tired of it we look for the door to change. This is when your spiritual practice becomes the answer. Never get bitter, look for what in your thinking has you trapped because truth is, if it weren’t for being forced to change most people wouldn’t change a thing and there is no growth without change. Look for the blessing in every minute because there is one.

What was once bitter can become sweet!

Gettin my cry on!


imagesI have been extra sad lately. Animal rescue videos are making me cry my eyes out, returning vet videos especially the ones with kids, crying, sobbing, Oh my God what is going on! So much sadness makes walking amongst the people extra hard as my eyes get red and I can’t see, I keep my head down but frankly its hard to hide the fact you are crying, past the I have something in my eye lie.

So as I’m walking I begin to take stock in what could be going on. Then I remembered its June. June is a difficult month, my Mom died in June, and after a hard break up I went to Costa Rica in June to cry it out. I spent a month in a resort alone, as in no other guests it was off-season, just so I could scream into the ocean without anyone having to watch me suffering from heartbreak. There’s more but suffice it to say its a time fraught with reasons to cry. Mom used to call them grief surges.

In our aura are all the trapped traumas of our lives. Any emotion that has not been properly dealt with sits in the aura and will be revisited for resolution. There is a constant move in the universe for balance and unspent emotion has to be balanced or it has the possibility of turning into dis-ease or at the very least making us sick. But often we forget why we are upset at certain times thinking we are just having a bad day when the reality is much bigger and the situation an opportunity for growth.

When we remember that we are moving through a time when in previous years we have had difficulty it is very much like walking through a hologram of your life. So when I get to June my body of pain remembers all to well what happened in another June and my body of pain wants to react where the wisdom part of me wants to release this bundle of trapped energy keeping me down.

I realized I had a few things to cry about and with consciousness we can cry it out with the understanding we are releasing trapped emotion and not banking more sorrow to have to process at a later date. It was no fun to go through it the first or second or third time but through increased wisdom and the awareness that all things are as they shall be, we can cry it out leaving the energy to transform and not stagnant. There is nothing wrong with crying its a useful thing. It’s the wallowing in sorrow that’s the problem. Use a crying session brought on for whatever reason to clear your trapped emotional baggage.

Sometimes when I know its coming, the I feel sad and need to cry sensation, I will put on certain music and boom bundle of tears. I allow the tears to flow with the intention of release. Aww it feels good to cry, it feels good to get out, it just  doesn’t look that good and beware of dog poop because then the crying changes from sorrow to why didn’t I see that, poo on the shoe, boo!

Cry it out people, then let it go and let God deal with the rest!

the grace of a human


IMG_0004I am very disheartened lately, every where I turn I am looking at humans who seem to have no grace left or the idea of grace was something never taught. What happened to the idea of a woman being a graceful and mysterious presence. Do we still think of ourselves as nothing unless stared at by someone for whatever reason?

I walk the streets of sunny CA and see every manner of human in every state of dress. Believe me there are some beautiful people on this planet. I just wished I didn’t have to see so much of them. I guess what I really wish is for all the women to really understanding how the men are looking at them. I watch guys mouths open openly staring, well hell I’m looking too, you can’t help it. But these men are not just looking they are LOOKING! Like the man I called out with his tongue out, “I can’t help it” he says and I have to say the chick barely had pants on.

As a spiritual woman and a yogi I want to take them aside and show them what we see and how we see them when they are walking ahead of us leaving nothing to the imagination of every man woman and child walking by. It’s not that it matters so much what you wear, wear what you want. This is certainly not a feminist debate for me, again you are free to wear what you want. I’m just tired of looking at butt cracks or camel toes where they don’t belong.

When do we as women acknowledge there is not a one of us wearing skin-tight clothes whose is not uncomfortable, no one is enjoying their pants riding up into the nether regions. Most women are mortified when they find they have on clothes that become sheer in the sun. I know some or not, believe me I know.

The worse for me is in yoga class. The very place where respect of the vessel we inhabit is taught. The place where we practice realizing this material world is an illusion. Yoga class where we chant to unite ourselves with our God, our inner Divinity. The men all have appropriate clothes on. The women are divided by how they feel about their bodies. The more skin showing both a sign of more confidence or less self-esteem. I dislike it all. And its all enforced by the yoga clothing companies that are making the clothes so tight and revealing.

Just think yogis use to wear loose baggy clothes to practice yoga in, it was more about the postures, the practice, connecting with God than how you looked. Women use to wear clothes to flatter their bodies not to show us how their flesh is wrapped by their body. It was about weaving a mystery around your self, leaving things to the imagination and if you were in a relationship your partner would love it if you wore clothes. Men have been able to do what they want and the worst it has gotten is the constant appearance of some man’s drawers because they don’t or can’t pull their pants up any more.

I am ready to see a beautiful woman walk by fully dressed, a man with his pants up and frankly fitting his ass. Most of all I want to see less of you. The picture you show us as you walk amongst us is telling us who you are and how you feel about yourself. So really look in the mirror before you head out the door. Try to have some grace about yourself, we can see you!!!!!!!

a new year, finally some movement


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This is what it looked like in Duluth when I left. A horror show of unending winter and solitary living and for me the impending depression of being locked in a house alone for months, months, and more months. Its beautiful there is no doubt but past the beauty is the awareness of what this type of winter can do to a person, or me. When you are doing what you are led to do life feels good, you feel a sense of satisfaction because you are where you are supposed to be, regardless of the weather. When there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction chances are you are not in the right place at all. One of the worst traits of a human is the inability to take charge when something is wrong and bitch about it rather than take action. Inaction is a decision just as not making a decision is a decision.

This is where I am nowIMG_0948well the location, that was the view off my hotel balcony I am in a different room now. Point being when I decided to make a move, for me at first the guilt was overwhelming. How do I feel ok leaving my son, what if he has a breakdown? What about my daughter with a new baby, will she be ok? How do I feel ok doing for me when my kids “need” me? And this is how the lying starts. Its just a trap.

We pretend we are needed so we can stay trapped. We pretend that our own interests and needs can be overrun by anyone and we let them. Another trap. Boo, bad behavior. Why do we act so weak-willed? We are supposed to do what we are called to do, and do it with right attitude. We are to live our lives with some sacrifice but not as a martyr. The ever giving mother is a misconstrued idea, a true mother is a person first and it is a title not a life sentence. On the flip side not wanting to parent after your children have arrived makes you a f*&ker, sorry, it’s a hard job but you called for it the minute you had sex, now deal with it. Same goes for all the humans who spend more time bitching about their state of affairs than doing anything about it. We live in a state of entitlement in this country that upsets me. We believe we are owed big for just being alive and awesome, while others on the planet would like a fresh drink of water and maybe a little food if that isn’t a problem. Being a human is a hard job doing it correctly takes time and effort.

Even the spiritual student who thinks they have all the answers will find themselves swimming in shark infested waters of negativity and feeling left out, under appreciated and basically invisible. So who is it that you are trying to get to notice you? God? Your partner? Everyone on the street? Who are you being spiritual for?

Awe, silly human. Now know I am talking to the choir and that’s me in the first row. I have spent so much time wondering what others thought until the day my family turned their backs on me for what I thought, no need to think on that anymore. I was having a hard time with this issue when my reading told me to look for the presence of God and that that was the answer. I had to think on that.

When we really get how things are here on Earth, we will realize that everything in the created world is made from the same building blocks, those little atoms, and that is the presence of God, in those atoms. Which means the presence of God is everywhere and in everything. So when we are out of sync you can imagine the atoms are swirling but not in a comfortable manner. When we are moving with life following the signs that are everywhere, those atoms are talking to us every minute, life moves smoothly.

I decided to make a move to help myself, to move away from depression. I have decided to love those little atoms because they are God. Science tells us atoms have consciousness and they are affected by how we think, interesting right? So I am going to pay more attention to them. I have been blessed by God and those atoms are with me all the time. The presence of God is there and there and when we meditate we bring the atoms into alignment and we feel the power of God that much more. That’s the walk of a spiritual person, when we walk with the wind it gently pushes us froward, when we walk against the wind it pushes at us hard.

Working with the universal laws that the creator has put in place allows us to live our lives as they were meant to be lived. So that’s me on the beach, sitting in the sun, taking charge of those atoms letting them be near me and leading me where I am suppose to be, or better yet where God wishes for me to be.

 

It’snow frustration


 

Lovely isn’t it

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Funny about life, I went to Los Angeles and there was not a drop of snow anywhere I fly back one week later and there is snow everywhere, like 3-5 ft of it. The temperature plummeted and we are full on in winter. Something that hasn’t happened this early in years. Winter in winter. It’s beautiful but deadly. Because of the cold the snow is more like ice concrete. Shoveling the sidewalk takes huge muscles, the snow is ridiculously heavy.

Sami realizing the depth of the snow

IMG_0897Sami my big nearly feral cat went out filled with cabin fever and realized snow is not a cat’s friend. Back inside he comes and begins taking his frustration out on everything in the house. He is mad that it’s so cold, he’s mad that he can’t go out, he’s Fu*king mad. No joke, he’s hiding in the basement and when he comes up if I touch him he puts his big fat seven toed paw around my arm and bites me, not hard, but enough to let me know what’s up with him.

Zeus made a mistake and didn’t tell me he wanted out, too cold for his ass, and I woke to the smell of death in my house, it was dog shit really, the death smell was my fantasy of removing that animal from the planet. Don’t worry, he’s still alive, but I’m still trying to forgive him.

My garbage cans are buried in 5 feet of snow I have to climb a snow mountain to find them. My garage is way in the back yard and there is so much snow it would be easier to swim to the car than try to walk, my car is on the street and it was -13 last night, it should start, right? Right, maybe…

Yesterday when the car did start I went out and promptly forgot cat food, nice, another reason for Sami to be pissed off. Then because the snow banks are at least 5 feet high no one knows how to drive. Duluth has been a snow nightmare forever so there must be some kind of amnesia that comes upon these townies that makes driving in ice and snow something they never remember having done just several months ago. We are always months away from snow around here how can you forget how to drive in it…

So we have our White Christmas this year, goodie goodie, but just trying to get to the mall for some holiday shopping is like going to the Arctic circle, its dangerous and the polar bears, (humans in puffy coats) are everywhere. Be careful out there, and don’t feed the bears.

It’s snow frustration for sure.

My God its full of stars


images-6One of my favorite lines in the 2001 Space Odyssey movie, so it was apt that when sitting at my writing desk I looked at my ceiling feeling exasperated and remarked , My God its full of webs. Little bitty webs hiding in plain sight.

I am farsighted so I see fine without my glasses. Of course that’s as long as I don’t want to see what’s right in front of me. Slight exaggeration but this needing glasses every fricking minute is getting on my last nerve. I won’t wear them all of the time and it’s slowly becoming a problem. As a Virgo I keep my house CLEAN, no lie ask my kids I need my house clean. Or so I thought was the case until I realized that not wearing my glasses while cleaning was a joke. But I didn’t see it, hardy har! Dust still everywhere, boo!!!!!!!

I remember my mom talking about looking at herself in the mirror after she hit midlife. She talked the glorious-ness of soft focus. She still looked beautiful but in soft focus she looked as she remembered. Not wearing her glasses allowed the vanity of not knowing just how many wrinkles were erupting minute by minute on her older face. This let her keep her beauty, her youthful beauty because she never stopped being beautiful. Me, I don’t care about that. I taught myself not to look in the mirror so I wouldn’t shock the sh*t out myself every time I saw my mom looking back at me. My mother is gone it is very disconcerting to see her looking back at me.

Meditation is what I do daily to clear my mind so I may see clearly what is going on and why in my life. But for some reason I have become resistant to “seeing” out my eyes refusing to wear my glasses at home. I have left the house without them countless times, can’t read a menu, can’t read signs, can’t read labels, prices, it’s a drag. The fact that I am coming out of a depressed time probably has something to do with it. Why see what you don’t want to see. Problem is I can’t keep doing this. It is not the path of the spiritual student, depressed or not. Doing spiritual work does not give me a get out of jail card for dealing with the physical plane I am indeed living on. One must do the work.

So I am putting on my glasses a little more often so I can see. No point of meditating, polishing the mirror for my internal eyes if I leave my physical eyes in the dark. To be a fully spiritual being having a physical experience is to marry the experiences of the spiritual and the physical plane. The greatest work we do is spiritualizing matter and we do this by following the universal laws. Putting the unseen before the seen. Force before form. In the end I need my glasses.

So, if I would like to keep my designated nature as a compulsive neat freak intact I am going to have to wear my glasses while I clean. Then write a note to myself to put them on and look at myself and clothes before I walk out the door. For heavens sake how many times have I found a stain or my lipstick smeared, time to check the mirror more often. Same sentence applies to the spiritual I check in meditating to feel my true self, to ‘see’ my truth and to ‘see’ that I am on the path and to know I am not alone. The meditating moves to more than once a day to keep the internal mirror clearer still and I will wear my glasses so the external is just as clear.

So tonight when I look at the night sky with my glasses on I bet I say, My God its full of stars.