Gettin my cry on!


imagesI have been extra sad lately. Animal rescue videos are making me cry my eyes out, returning vet videos especially the ones with kids, crying, sobbing, Oh my God what is going on! So much sadness makes walking amongst the people extra hard as my eyes get red and I can’t see, I keep my head down but frankly its hard to hide the fact you are crying, past the I have something in my eye lie.

So as I’m walking I begin to take stock in what could be going on. Then I remembered its June. June is a difficult month, my Mom died in June, and after a hard break up I went to Costa Rica in June to cry it out. I spent a month in a resort alone, as in no other guests it was off-season, just so I could scream into the ocean without anyone having to watch me suffering from heartbreak. There’s more but suffice it to say its a time fraught with reasons to cry. Mom used to call them grief surges.

In our aura are all the trapped traumas of our lives. Any emotion that has not been properly dealt with sits in the aura and will be revisited for resolution. There is a constant move in the universe for balance and unspent emotion has to be balanced or it has the possibility of turning into dis-ease or at the very least making us sick. But often we forget why we are upset at certain times thinking we are just having a bad day when the reality is much bigger and the situation an opportunity for growth.

When we remember that we are moving through a time when in previous years we have had difficulty it is very much like walking through a hologram of your life. So when I get to June my body of pain remembers all to well what happened in another June and my body of pain wants to react where the wisdom part of me wants to release this bundle of trapped energy keeping me down.

I realized I had a few things to cry about and with consciousness we can cry it out with the understanding we are releasing trapped emotion and not banking more sorrow to have to process at a later date. It was no fun to go through it the first or second or third time but through increased wisdom and the awareness that all things are as they shall be, we can cry it out leaving the energy to transform and not stagnant. There is nothing wrong with crying its a useful thing. It’s the wallowing in sorrow that’s the problem. Use a crying session brought on for whatever reason to clear your trapped emotional baggage.

Sometimes when I know its coming, the I feel sad and need to cry sensation, I will put on certain music and boom bundle of tears. I allow the tears to flow with the intention of release. Aww it feels good to cry, it feels good to get out, it just  doesn’t look that good and beware of dog poop because then the crying changes from sorrow to why didn’t I see that, poo on the shoe, boo!

Cry it out people, then let it go and let God deal with the rest!

the grace of a human


IMG_0004I am very disheartened lately, every where I turn I am looking at humans who seem to have no grace left or the idea of grace was something never taught. What happened to the idea of a woman being a graceful and mysterious presence. Do we still think of ourselves as nothing unless stared at by someone for whatever reason?

I walk the streets of sunny CA and see every manner of human in every state of dress. Believe me there are some beautiful people on this planet. I just wished I didn’t have to see so much of them. I guess what I really wish is for all the women to really understanding how the men are looking at them. I watch guys mouths open openly staring, well hell I’m looking too, you can’t help it. But these men are not just looking they are LOOKING! Like the man I called out with his tongue out, “I can’t help it” he says and I have to say the chick barely had pants on.

As a spiritual woman and a yogi I want to take them aside and show them what we see and how we see them when they are walking ahead of us leaving nothing to the imagination of every man woman and child walking by. It’s not that it matters so much what you wear, wear what you want. This is certainly not a feminist debate for me, again you are free to wear what you want. I’m just tired of looking at butt cracks or camel toes where they don’t belong.

When do we as women acknowledge there is not a one of us wearing skin-tight clothes whose is not uncomfortable, no one is enjoying their pants riding up into the nether regions. Most women are mortified when they find they have on clothes that become sheer in the sun. I know some or not, believe me I know.

The worse for me is in yoga class. The very place where respect of the vessel we inhabit is taught. The place where we practice realizing this material world is an illusion. Yoga class where we chant to unite ourselves with our God, our inner Divinity. The men all have appropriate clothes on. The women are divided by how they feel about their bodies. The more skin showing both a sign of more confidence or less self-esteem. I dislike it all. And its all enforced by the yoga clothing companies that are making the clothes so tight and revealing.

Just think yogis use to wear loose baggy clothes to practice yoga in, it was more about the postures, the practice, connecting with God than how you looked. Women use to wear clothes to flatter their bodies not to show us how their flesh is wrapped by their body. It was about weaving a mystery around your self, leaving things to the imagination and if you were in a relationship your partner would love it if you wore clothes. Men have been able to do what they want and the worst it has gotten is the constant appearance of some man’s drawers because they don’t or can’t pull their pants up any more.

I am ready to see a beautiful woman walk by fully dressed, a man with his pants up and frankly fitting his ass. Most of all I want to see less of you. The picture you show us as you walk amongst us is telling us who you are and how you feel about yourself. So really look in the mirror before you head out the door. Try to have some grace about yourself, we can see you!!!!!!!

a new year, finally some movement


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This is what it looked like in Duluth when I left. A horror show of unending winter and solitary living and for me the impending depression of being locked in a house alone for months, months, and more months. Its beautiful there is no doubt but past the beauty is the awareness of what this type of winter can do to a person, or me. When you are doing what you are led to do life feels good, you feel a sense of satisfaction because you are where you are supposed to be, regardless of the weather. When there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction chances are you are not in the right place at all. One of the worst traits of a human is the inability to take charge when something is wrong and bitch about it rather than take action. Inaction is a decision just as not making a decision is a decision.

This is where I am nowIMG_0948well the location, that was the view off my hotel balcony I am in a different room now. Point being when I decided to make a move, for me at first the guilt was overwhelming. How do I feel ok leaving my son, what if he has a breakdown? What about my daughter with a new baby, will she be ok? How do I feel ok doing for me when my kids “need” me? And this is how the lying starts. Its just a trap.

We pretend we are needed so we can stay trapped. We pretend that our own interests and needs can be overrun by anyone and we let them. Another trap. Boo, bad behavior. Why do we act so weak-willed? We are supposed to do what we are called to do, and do it with right attitude. We are to live our lives with some sacrifice but not as a martyr. The ever giving mother is a misconstrued idea, a true mother is a person first and it is a title not a life sentence. On the flip side not wanting to parent after your children have arrived makes you a f*&ker, sorry, it’s a hard job but you called for it the minute you had sex, now deal with it. Same goes for all the humans who spend more time bitching about their state of affairs than doing anything about it. We live in a state of entitlement in this country that upsets me. We believe we are owed big for just being alive and awesome, while others on the planet would like a fresh drink of water and maybe a little food if that isn’t a problem. Being a human is a hard job doing it correctly takes time and effort.

Even the spiritual student who thinks they have all the answers will find themselves swimming in shark infested waters of negativity and feeling left out, under appreciated and basically invisible. So who is it that you are trying to get to notice you? God? Your partner? Everyone on the street? Who are you being spiritual for?

Awe, silly human. Now know I am talking to the choir and that’s me in the first row. I have spent so much time wondering what others thought until the day my family turned their backs on me for what I thought, no need to think on that anymore. I was having a hard time with this issue when my reading told me to look for the presence of God and that that was the answer. I had to think on that.

When we really get how things are here on Earth, we will realize that everything in the created world is made from the same building blocks, those little atoms, and that is the presence of God, in those atoms. Which means the presence of God is everywhere and in everything. So when we are out of sync you can imagine the atoms are swirling but not in a comfortable manner. When we are moving with life following the signs that are everywhere, those atoms are talking to us every minute, life moves smoothly.

I decided to make a move to help myself, to move away from depression. I have decided to love those little atoms because they are God. Science tells us atoms have consciousness and they are affected by how we think, interesting right? So I am going to pay more attention to them. I have been blessed by God and those atoms are with me all the time. The presence of God is there and there and when we meditate we bring the atoms into alignment and we feel the power of God that much more. That’s the walk of a spiritual person, when we walk with the wind it gently pushes us froward, when we walk against the wind it pushes at us hard.

Working with the universal laws that the creator has put in place allows us to live our lives as they were meant to be lived. So that’s me on the beach, sitting in the sun, taking charge of those atoms letting them be near me and leading me where I am suppose to be, or better yet where God wishes for me to be.

 

My God its full of stars


images-6One of my favorite lines in the 2001 Space Odyssey movie, so it was apt that when sitting at my writing desk I looked at my ceiling feeling exasperated and remarked , My God its full of webs. Little bitty webs hiding in plain sight.

I am farsighted so I see fine without my glasses. Of course that’s as long as I don’t want to see what’s right in front of me. Slight exaggeration but this needing glasses every fricking minute is getting on my last nerve. I won’t wear them all of the time and it’s slowly becoming a problem. As a Virgo I keep my house CLEAN, no lie ask my kids I need my house clean. Or so I thought was the case until I realized that not wearing my glasses while cleaning was a joke. But I didn’t see it, hardy har! Dust still everywhere, boo!!!!!!!

I remember my mom talking about looking at herself in the mirror after she hit midlife. She talked the glorious-ness of soft focus. She still looked beautiful but in soft focus she looked as she remembered. Not wearing her glasses allowed the vanity of not knowing just how many wrinkles were erupting minute by minute on her older face. This let her keep her beauty, her youthful beauty because she never stopped being beautiful. Me, I don’t care about that. I taught myself not to look in the mirror so I wouldn’t shock the sh*t out myself every time I saw my mom looking back at me. My mother is gone it is very disconcerting to see her looking back at me.

Meditation is what I do daily to clear my mind so I may see clearly what is going on and why in my life. But for some reason I have become resistant to “seeing” out my eyes refusing to wear my glasses at home. I have left the house without them countless times, can’t read a menu, can’t read signs, can’t read labels, prices, it’s a drag. The fact that I am coming out of a depressed time probably has something to do with it. Why see what you don’t want to see. Problem is I can’t keep doing this. It is not the path of the spiritual student, depressed or not. Doing spiritual work does not give me a get out of jail card for dealing with the physical plane I am indeed living on. One must do the work.

So I am putting on my glasses a little more often so I can see. No point of meditating, polishing the mirror for my internal eyes if I leave my physical eyes in the dark. To be a fully spiritual being having a physical experience is to marry the experiences of the spiritual and the physical plane. The greatest work we do is spiritualizing matter and we do this by following the universal laws. Putting the unseen before the seen. Force before form. In the end I need my glasses.

So, if I would like to keep my designated nature as a compulsive neat freak intact I am going to have to wear my glasses while I clean. Then write a note to myself to put them on and look at myself and clothes before I walk out the door. For heavens sake how many times have I found a stain or my lipstick smeared, time to check the mirror more often. Same sentence applies to the spiritual I check in meditating to feel my true self, to ‘see’ my truth and to ‘see’ that I am on the path and to know I am not alone. The meditating moves to more than once a day to keep the internal mirror clearer still and I will wear my glasses so the external is just as clear.

So tonight when I look at the night sky with my glasses on I bet I say, My God its full of stars.

I turned the other check as I fell on my ass


IMG_1964 This is Zeus, many of you have met him before. Zeus is currently my spiritual teacher and a royal pain in my ass. This is him after another offense, having to deal with the shame of hurting me. As my spiritual teacher he has a unique style of teaching me things. Let me tell you an example.

When he was but a wee thing learning the fine art of walking on a leash he put me on my ass for the first time. We were visiting the backyard neighbor and his dog as we walked home from a walk. It was still winter here in Minnesota and though there was no snow on the ground it was frozen and hard as a brick. His dog a much older dog and mine were playing and he and I were chatting. The dogs were running around having a great time. In a flash they ran and Zeus spun me around dodging the other dog and pulled me down hard on my ass. For a brief second I saw stars, I couldn’t feel my legs, my breath was gone, I fu*king hit my ass right down on the bottom of my spine. It rang my bell as we say. I got up and made light of it as  I didn’t want the old man to feel bad.  He couldn’t even help me up and the dogs and I were tangled in leashes for a minute. It was a painful walk back to the house.

From that moment on I had back pain. Reoccurring back pain when ever I walked, awesome! It was so bad I would have to just stop walking waiting for my back to relax so I could continue walking. Not walking wasn’t an option as the dog was a puppy. I kept with my yoga had to see the doctor a number of times. The worst was when my daughter was at least 8 months pregnant. We were in TJ Maxx and my back went out and my ridiculously pregnant daughter had to help me walk. We went up to the mall for the eastern guys to make it better. That man nearly stood on my back forcing it back into submission. I would marry him if I could remember him I just remember wanting to die and then being ok with continuing to live. Back pain is the bane of my existence and has been my uninvited guest for months now.

Fast forward to a few days ago and the miracle. The dog and I as usual on our walk made difficult by back pain. We were headed back towards the house just a few blocks away when a squirrel ran and got Zeus’s attention and on instinct he went after him. I was at the end of my walk not even paying attention when he took off. He whipped me all the way around and I fell on my ass, again! Praise God I didn’t hit the sidewalk I hit the ground and fu*king hard, it rang my bell again. Embarrassment is always the first thing that happens when you fall in public but all I could think of was my back and how I was going to kill(sort of kidding) the dog when I could up and get to him. Car going by, me up and walking no problem , no really I’m fine. Zeus was on his back begging forgiveness he knew what was happening. We walked home S L O W L Y.

Well it turns out that last fall was me turning the other cheek and all of the back pain I was having because of the first fall was gone. As far as I’m concerned this is a register-able miracle because I am not in pain and that dog pulled me down hard. I haven’t had a single problem walking him since he dropped me to the ground. I wouldn’t even talk about it until I had pushed my myself walking in places that make walking hard. Every time we headed out I waited for the pain and it just stopped coming. That dog pulled me to my ass and in that moment I turned the other cheek and God gave me a break.

I guess sometimes we are turning the other cheek subconsciously and don’t even know it. My falling on my ass must have been the outward sign that it was happening to me. See you can pay the big bucks and a teacher can tell you wise stuff or you can walk your dog and watch God teach you everything you ever need to know by putting you on your ass.

 

Standing through the fall


IMG_0716Here in northern Minnesota we are in full fall swing. The air is crisp and clear the leaves in various states of turning, falling and gone. There is a start to fall, you can feel it. It happens in late September like a switch goes off and the sun is lower in the sky the birds head out, even the butterfly’s take their leave. Fall is in the air and all over the ground.For me there is still a mystery about the fall season.

I grew up in Florida with basically one season and all through high school we so wanted to be able to wear the fall fashions but putting on a sweater no matter how cool it looked it was still hot outside. Here it is not hot outside so grab a sweater and your long underwear and prepare for the on slot of winter just around the corner. Time to turn in.

Winter is the season of hibernation but fall is the prep time needed for the sleep. What dreams will we have during the winters slumber? What new life will emerge from our thinking having been made clear by so much time spent in the dark. Fall is when we see the reward of our work and the harvest  of summers seeking. What we planted in the spring and watched grow in the summer is what we take with us in the fall contemplating how to do better in winters sleep.

Fall is an active time and a wonderful time to be where you are, see the bloom of where you were planted. Contemplate your life. Think on where you are and why. When one is stuck in victim thinking the fall pulls everything away from your sight and in the dark you have an opportunity to see your responsibility and how to change the course of your next season.

The world gives us over and over again ways to improve and see and learn and do better,it is the goal. It is the goal for parents, for partners, and an innate desire to fulfill our destiny. Let the fall move things away from your eyes. Think on that which is important and work to remove false thinking. Nothing is more important than your health and well being followed by the health and well being of those you have influence over.

Fall is the season of falling, leaving things behind that are no longer useful or helpful. Faith is renewed with the letting go of that which is done and can be used to allow for new growth and new blessing. If you will but stand up through the fall and let it all go then when the darkness of winter is upon you you can dream a new dream and quit rehashing the negative patterns that you know hold you and your family back.

I am going to stand through the rest of my fall trim the dead branches from my life of negativity and limited thinking. By the time of winter solstice I will have emptied the full to bursting storehouse of horror stories and made room for the new seeds that I intend to plant for the spring. This is but one of the many promises made to us. The promise of being reborn.

The changing season are like day to night a renewal everyday. We go to sleep dying to that day awaking reborn the next. In the spring there is a renewal of the year another opportunity to move forward not held in fear or false promises. So don’t just fall down like the leaves know as you fly off the tree it is the greatest the gift of trying again, starting over, being reborn.

Blooming means taking root wherever you are


IMG_0626I am at a mid-point in my life and not just in my chronological age. I am also at the end of a depression brought on by tremendous personal loss and that has helped put me at this crossroads. Having faced such vast personal loss I have been unwilling to look forward. I just moved through my days, no one day different from the next.

For a long time I thought my indecision about what to do next was more of a response to my need to be reclusive, a reaction brought on by the humiliation of betrayals and the loss of my mother. But now I know it has been so much more than that. I thought I wasn’t moving forward because I had wrapped myself in a blanket of emotional distance to give myself space, you know for healing. What I was really doing was using every excuse I could think of to stay where I was, lost in depression. I had every right to stay depressed for as long as I needed. That was until I was ready to grow again spiritually. Time to move forward.

Spiritual teachers move through dark nights of the soul just as everyone does. Especially when greater spiritual awakening is a life long desire. Suffering in any form is a great teacher and it separates the wannabe’s from the I will be’s. When as a spiritual student I thought I had finally found my path, my teacher, my way and was living a Godly life I stopped looking any further for guidance. I thought I had everything I needed and wanted. I thought I had control over my situation. Big stop signs threw me off course and I thought as anyone would that there had been a mistake. I am a spiritual person things like this don’t happen, obviously, God had other plans for the seeds that I was using to pave my life.

Of course I am reminded of the spiritual story about blooming where you are planted. When I am in LA I see sprouted seeds all day. There are flowers everywhere, growing everywhere they can. Plants and flowers exotic to us grow like weeds and are barely acknowledged they are just blooming where they are planted. The moral being not to wait for ideal growing conditions to sprout your seed but do your best to grow wherever you are at.

But after this rather long break from my life I see the idea of our spiritual seed blooming where its planted being applied to our mental lives as well. We may never get where we desire in our spiritual lives or what we think we deserve. We may have to suffer through many dark nights of the soul and feel we are never getting anywhere in our desire for spiritual growth. Rather than thinking we need a teacher to get out of our rut, or spiritual direction from someone to move forward, we might want to think on the idea of blooming where we are planted. Even when that means growing in a temporary garden of doubt and misery. Into every garden a little rain will fall.

A seed will work to fulfill its mission of sprouting, no matter the cost or the time spent, and it is driven to do so, I think it the same with the spiritual seed born within each of us. It is driven to sprout and just a little spiritual rain will do. We may think we need the perfect church, faith or religious community to bloom spiritually. We may think we can only practice our faith or belief system under ‘these perfect’ conditions. Not true. Anyone who has ever been locked up either in body or soul understands that freedom is all in the mind. A spiritual life is sprouted from the seed’s desire, in it’s will to be.

The spiritual seed can be awakened by living waters anytime anywhere. Just the smallest spark of spiritual understanding can be enough to sprout the Divine in man. Bloom where you are planted and start with the garden in your mind. And remember where ever you are is where your garden is at, and whatever you say waters it, and whatever you think fertilizes it, so tend to it correctly and there is nothing you cannot grow.