Almost done


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How do you write about those times in your life that push you so hard that you can hear your back breaking under the pressure. I for one get extremely tired of it. But it completely speaks to what this last 2 years have been for me and I am almost done. Done with the bull shit, done with falseness, done with fake spirituality, done with lies, done with manipulators, done, done and done.

What is with women who will beat an idea, hope or dream to death? “It will work, he will change, she will do what she said, they will keep their promises”, done, done and done. No they won’t, nor will he/she/they ever.

A human reveals their truth easily but often through rose colored glasses we refuse to see, or acknowledge what we instinctively know, and then we will walk right into a glass door all the while pretending this isn’t who they revealed themselves to be.

I’ve been teaching about self responsibility as long as I can remember and here I stand having denied my own truth. I gave away my power and lessons learned are having to be relearned. Thank God for our brains! Through my own volition I can make mistakes and correct them as often as I need to, that’s life. That’s why we are on a practice planet working at being human. But it doesn’t change that I am done dealing with this.

We are at a collective time of hardship on our planet, end times and all of that. We must have our eyes open and our hearts and minds engaged and their-in lies the problem. When life gets tough we close our eyes and ears singing lalalalalala I can’t hear you, so its not real. We spend time fooling ourselves until it is written on our face or reveled in our sickness and/or broken relationships.

Look up, Listen up, for the truth is there to see and is being sung for us all to hear.

This is not an easy ride; people are hurting, people are dying, hearts are being broken and lives are being changed forever. I am almost done.

After the death of my grandson my life was never going to be the same again because I would never be able to think on my pathetic weakness without remembering the horror my daughter had to endure. I allowed weakness to overtake me and hide the truth that was in front of my face. I had made a tactical error and trusted the untrustworthy. I had to face the lies I was telling myself. I leaned on myself rather than turning to God, the higher power that has always lead me.

My mistake, and I am done.

 

Does it take strength to be strong?


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And does it make you strong to have strength?

There is a yoga sequence we do called t-sequence, you stand feet together, arms out, shoulder height elbows straight, like a T. We hold this in class anywhere from 3 minutes( I wish) to however long teacher decides we need to have our arms out straight without screaming for mercy. Try it, see how long you can do it! Because it’s funny, women with no real body strength are so much more likely to be able to hold their arms out longer than men who claim to be strong.

Eventually we get it does not take being strong to have strength. I may not be strong but don’t you mess with me or you will see my strength.

Being strong is awesome I need someone strong to open things and destroy things but thats it. I’ll need your strength for every thing else. Strong will not hold my heart, it will not ease my pain, it will not kiss the boo boo away, but your strength will.

I don’t need you to lift a car today I need you to have the strength to sit with me while I feel this way, and cry or laugh. Your strength gives me the freedom to be vulnerable. If you wave your strong in my face I may falter and not speak to you. I need strength to get me through.

When I reach for creator because there is no one else to reach towards I need creator’s strength. I need to know I’ll be ok and that God has my back. Because you people who claim to be strong often run when the going gets tough. You may be strong but truly you are weak. What happens to you when the strong is gone?

I’m tired of strong, I’ve been strong my entire life in every way possible, I have tried to be so strong until life got so hard, so difficult, so painful, that I let the pile of control I was holding fall to the floor. I told using manipulative people to hit the road. I refused the strong arm applied to make me feel weak and unsure. I refused the strong worded opinionated human and had them take their story of strong somewhere else.

In essence I told strong to move on and I felt my strength comeback to me.

See them as children


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It doesn’t take long to get disappointed with humanity. Turn on the news, read a paper, horror, after a while there is for me a decided need to separate self from “them”. I am not like “them”.

I walk through the streets of Santa Monica and I see all manner of life and life forms, I see too much and I started looking away. I didn’t want “them” to see me and I didn’t want to see “them”. I am not “them”.

My own depression was making the separation worse I was looking through veiled eyes. My own pain and loss was coloring how I felt. As I looked out amongst others while walking I would find myself jealous of their joy, their love, their family, so I looked away from “them”. Or I would get superior feeling blessed around those less fortunate and try to help them, “them”.

I wasn’t seeing the truth around me at all. Did I think I was from another world,

I was talking to someone the other day, trying to share my woe’s and how I felt within 2 minutes, I doubt that long, they interrupted me with their own story and boom the conversation I needed was moved and the focus placed on them. Over and over it happened. I became aware of their need for me to listen to their story far outweighed my need to tell mine. They needed me to listen like a child needing reassurance or attention. It was happening all the time in a lot of conversations, it became about “them”.

As I look around at humanity I see thousands of people not paying attention to what’s going on or who they are talking to, or where they are going. People’s personal needs are so overwhelming that they are reaching out to everyone and anyone trying to get the attention they need, often by tripping into someone. Just like children. Some are getting attention in the most vile of ways. They have no need of attention they have lost hope.

So trying to readjust the lens I looked through and to correct my vision, I began to see everyone around me as a child. Big, small, old, young, I saw everyone as a child.

And then I could see that we are all children in different states of being and development, existing in a gigantic family of many diverse children. Most do not feel seen or heard by their families, society or a God who seems very far away.

Like children we need to slow ourselves down and really listen to what is being said to us. Like children we need to make sure we are present in the moment of any conversation or exchange so that we are on top of what is happening, not running into trouble because we are distracted. It takes no effort at all to say or hear the wrong thing. And like children we get our feelings hurt and lose trust.

Like children we also need to hear with clear ears. With neutrality and not a 3 year olds pent-up frustrated ego. Like with children we need to make sure our word is true, not misunderstood or misconstrued. Like children we need to really listen so children and others can be heard.

We need to say what needs to be said and hear what needs to be heard.

When we see out to the worlds children and the vast experiences of life and suffering we need to remember that the ones acting out in such horrific ways were once children whose hearts were turned and like children they don’t know how to forgive and forget, that what you give you get, and we are all in this together.

Take in a breath, its how we are connected in the physical world, we all need air to breath. Thats why its called the breath of life and why God is called the breath of life. We need God for our breath of life.

Reach out to those hurting around you and see them as children needing your care and love.

See “them” as children and they move from “them” to children of God. It’s a tough time in the world, be the spirit of love and healing, help and guidance, that is desperately needed.

See them as children and help them all. Reach out your hand to help.

What do you see?


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It looks like a picture of the sun in the blue sky, and it is but what wasn’t in the sky were the pink orbs that are streaming towards the Earth. How we see things, and how carefully we see them, makes it easier to discern the truth. Assuming this is just a picture of the sun negates the beautiful pink orbs that can be seen as a sign of love in the air, the universe being encouraging, the awareness of the unseen forces, this image can be more than just a picture of the sun.

It’s an interesting thing to talk to people after a conversation or a movie they have participated in or seen. Each person will have heard or seen a different image or view point. It is as if they were at different events. It is usually the same with fighting couples. It ends up they are fighting over different and conflicting issues rather than the subject of the fight. While frustrating, socks on the floor is not as maddening as a husband who won’t talk, if you pick at your mate to figure out what’s going on, you will end up with a fight on your hands and not the reason for the silence.

How we handle what we think we see is important as well. Just because you ‘saw’ something doesn’t mean you know what is going on or what went on. The unexamined assumption is a mind trap, if you don’t know for sure, you don’t know. If you question what you see then question what you saw. The person who speaks from fact sounds like a person of intelligence, a person screaming accusations looks desperate. Make sure you know before you blow!

In the spiritual world it is said that we are living in a physical universe that is vastly affected by unseen forces. We see 10% of the reality of what is going on around us. We don’t often think about it but we are influenced by the pull of the moon, the power of the sun, the orbits of the other planets, mental noise, technological noise, so much is pushing and pulling at us. We are bombarded by noise so when we are reacting to something we see, we need to make sure we really saw it.

Just take a few minutes in the morning to adjust the viewpoint out your eyes. Instead of throwing yourself out of bed, languish even ever so briefly to awaken slowly, stretch and move and slowly allow your eyes to adjust to the early morning light. Meditate maintaining stillness and quiet on your insides, even for just a short time. Practice having reverence for your precious self and few solitary moments, and then start your day. It will help you stay in clarity.

These kind of acts of self care will help you see what is truly in front of your eyes. A person throwing a fit in front of you may not need your scorn they may need your help. A person quietly crying might need your support. That person who appears ‘crazy’ screaming may be separated from their handler. We do not know what is going on around us unless we stay present and focus on staying conscious throughout our days.

It is then you will know that what you see is really what is there.