Ready for growth


It is a tendency of the human to remain stuck in behaviors, endless cycles of why is this happening to me? Without the awareness that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

We can say happy new year but do you know many who made it a new year, or will it be the same year played over again. It is hard to change, really hard and the motivation to do it nearly has to be done with a gun to the head, you can’t make me eat that salad I will eat this thick juicy burger, heart attack or not changing habits are nearly as hard as giving up addictions.

It is the same with behaviors, maybe more so. We can be motivated to lose weight or take better care of yourselves for a time, especially after a major health scare or before a reunion or new love. Changing mental behaviors takes an entirely different motivation and this is usually when behavior goes underground. We develop sneakiness so people don’t know what we are up to, we lose our self in lies hiding who we truly are.

I myself, just went through terrible heartache. I’m sorry but there is nothing worse than heartache. You can run from a lot but once the heart gets involved it’s a different ballgame. We will give ourselves away, we will become somebody else, we will lose our dignity giving someone our power or love or money or, or, or. Being in love with the wrong person is a problem.

The games we play with ourselves are the worst ones, the inner lies, the bargaining, all of it, so sad, and truly a loss of power. It’s a great trick of the darker side of life making strong women weak. I know if he could just see me, or hear me, or feel me, or or, or. None of it true if he had wanted you he would be there now! We can’t understand the heart and its nature, it surly wants what it wants and it takes a great bit of work to get the heart to see the way of truth.

The truth is love and being in love is not the problem it’s the why of love. Is it insecurity, fear, self loathing that holds you, is it really love or is it control. Is it love if you get angry because they cannot see you. Then it’s not love. Love and true love is unconditional and unattached. Means we love who we love, we can help it but we can’t make someone love us. And like David Bowie said, we need to learn to love and be loved. It’s not loving someone and loved back by that someone. Love is a big word.

I see where I went wrong in my thinking and I am so grateful for the lesson and glad I was able to stop myself from complete humiliation because a women’s heart is a fickle thing and not controlled will overtake your mind and drive you crazy, making you text (just because), call (because I wanted to hear your voice), write (I was just wondering if you are ok), You get this, same story different year!

Your true love will find you, if it’s your destiny it will happen. If not enjoy the company of the one you are with or learn to be alone. Two halves still don’t make a whole just 2 halves. To grow and mature is to look out your eyes, not through a glass darkly, not through rose colored glasses, but with your clear eyes. See what is really there because if science has taught us anything its that there is more out there than meets the eye.

Once your eyes are open there is a lot to see. When you look around you will see most people are walking through life with their eyes wide shut, not a way to live. The difficulty of the times we live in makes sticking to Divinity and the truth a way to be safe in life. Listen to no one but those who can be trusted (very small list). Open your mind, read a book, make yourself grow in a different way this year. Take the steps to change one thing. Change is hard but not impossible.

I heard a new definition of sin, it’s not using your brain. The greatest gift given, our minds for thinking, for reasoning, for growth, for power, ours to control not to be overrun by someone else and their idea of life. The discerning mind is where it is at. As I realized my issue, after crying a while I pulled my head out of my ass and thought about what I was doing and what it was doing to me.

In times of loneliness and stress we will substitute one comfort for another. We are such creatures of habit and big pleasure seekers. We are not into pain and will do a lot of things to avoid it. As soon as I realized the mistake I went to work to correct it, I am going to practice the idea of unconditional love with non attachment, practice I said, and dedicate to bettering myself so when Mr or Ms Right appears on the horizon I will have my head up to see, not buried in a tissue crying over what I couldn’t have.

So I am ready for growth, Are you?

 

 

beauty is simplicity


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I got my butt out of bed and headed out my door down to the beach. It is such a joy to walk on the beach feeling the sand between my toes and laugh as the ocean spills its wave half way up my leg. I am sure I must look crazy as I am laughing to myself, talking to the birds, smiling at the children. My walking laughing meditation practice, simplicity!

So many people lose sight of the beauty surrounding them or get so caught up in the mundane business of running their lives they stop seeing the beauty that is all around. I see people so intent on their workout they have no idea how blessed they are to be walking, to be breathing, to be surrounded by the beauty of the ocean. Others have ear buds in their ears. What music has more effect on the soul as the sound of the ocean? We miss so much, so much, when we leave the beauty of the present moment lost in thoughts of; would of, could of, should of…

In the bible it says in Mathew …27“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.…

The beauty of truth is in its simplicity. We have made life something to conquer rather than live. We have made villains across the world over and we continually overlook the little guy in favor of power and greed. We forget so easily the wonder of our world and more importantly we forget that everything that is happening to us is a reflection of our own thoughts words and deeds. We have been given a great blessing to be alive and the ability to change everything about ourselves. We are alive, we are experiencing life, we are seeing things, doing things and walking on a planet that is serving us even as we continually treat it like our living room complete with maid service.

When each of us makes up our mind to let go of unrealistic goals for our body or mind and sit at the seat of our soul we will live the verses from Mathew fully present in the gift we are given. As we live in gratefulness of our lives and blessings we open space inside to receive even more. When we gracefully give of our blessings to those in need we are blessed again.

Living in simplicity, knowing our needs are met, and residing within our soul’s peaceful nature this will helps us understand that just ‘being’ will always ‘be’ enough. This is my yoga!

Mental illness and family


images-2My son is bipolar, tough words to write because of the looming negative stereo type of responses I have received over the years. He is not only bipolar he also suffers from PTSD, which makes all things worse. Before he was diagnosed life was a nightmare of “why are you acting this way?” He would get in trouble and my family was less than supportive about it. The “all you are doing is enabling him,” sentence got on my last nerve, he is my child. Of course the big family secret was that bipolar was running rampant through our gene pool, information I would have loved to have so much earlier in my life. But I didn’t get to know.

What I know now is that my family secret is a lot of families secret, not to mention our beautiful children that went to war and have come back so broken and afflicted with mental illness themselves. Frankly none of us are fully able to handle this on our own. The words, It takes a village, is so much more than a buzz phrase, it is the truth. For the last 2 weeks I have been plagued with interior feelings of overwhelming sadness and red-hot anger and yesterday I tried to call my son and he didn’t answer my call or call back, then I knew. It wasn’t me at all, my boy was in trouble, I write this and my eyes fill with tears because I should have known something was up.

He had started talking of wanting to be more responsible so I could go and try to start my life again. We both know none of us can live someone elses’ life for them, we really can’t control another human. We can only lead, with our words, with our love and with our support. I hear the agony in his voice when I finally get him on the phone and it breaks my heart. He ran out of his medicine 2 weeks ago and we were all on a count down and he couldn’t reach out. So the other shoe drops and the fall out of a 2 week blow out spills onto me and my daughter and I would say his wife too, if she was emotionally even sitting in her body anymore.

There are no easy answers to this issue. There is no guarantee of long-term help when medicines that work for a while then stop. There is no running away or sending it away, God gave us this challenge as God has done to so many others. Chances are you know somebody who is suffering with some kind of brain disorder. What we can do is maintain a deep and personal relationship with the one suffering and their family. Most importantly maintaining our spiritual practice and closeness to the creator who gave us this responsibility. We all have heard God does not give us anything we can’t handle, though we certainly would like to argue that point. We can surround our loved one with the white light of consciousness, when can encourage them to take good care of their body, by eating right, getting rest which is like asking a child to sit still for 3 hours, not even close to real but sometimes it sinks in. And most importantly we can encourage each other.

So my hat is off to you, if you are like me and my daughter holding a family together. My hat is off to you who stand next to your loved when others say step away. My hat is off to every parent who had wished health for their child and watched as it was drained due to an accident, birth, or fricking war. My hat is off to those who work with the ones trying so hard to make sense of such a difficult situation that often has no end date. My hat is off to my daughter who does this job with me when she certainly doesn’t have to. I love you so much!!!

My hat is off to us all!

Are you listening?


imagesLife is filled with teaching moments. As a matter of fact that is predominantly what is going on here at the great school called Earth. Each moment is another moment to get it right, that is when we are tired of being wrong. A person who continues to be blasted with bad luck and plays the part of the victim, oh woe is me, is a person who is not listening.

For a long time there was a concept of God as a punishing force ready to correct us when we do wrong by throwing our lives in a tail spin supposedly so we would turn back towards the righteous path. Wrong people! God gave us free will so we can bury ourselves if we so desire. We get to choose and when we are ready to choose again we can choose to listen.

I have been at this searching game for a long time and like everyone else just when I think I have it the next lesson shows up, just to make sure. For example, when I am not in charge of my diet allowing my emotions to control my mouth it is only a matter of time before my body tells me just how wrong I was. I can act like a 2-year-old stamping my feet I deserve this ice cream, my life is meaningless, boring, horrible. I want this sugary sweet thing! I am going to eat this bread! I can feel justified by my screaming emotional pain until the day I wake up and my sinus cyst is enraged, engorged and decides it’s the boss of me. To bad for you says the cyst, should have been an adult rather than a child and I am forced to go through a rigorous period begging my bodies forgiveness trying to restore balance to a wacked out body. I am paying a dear price for something I did to myself. I can’t breath.

Pain is no reason to stop listening as a matter of fact it is when we need to listen harder. All painful moments are happening for a reason. Either we stepped away from our truth, we are hiding from our truth or we are ready to hear our truth. It’s a step in maturity to know what is right as opposed to what feels good. Pain is the indication something is off and in that moment when you realize it make yourself quiet and listen. What is your internal self saying? When you understand that the truth, the answers to your questions, both are out there running like a current through our universe, we just need to tune into the frequency and the answers can be ours. We have to learn to listen!

Being hard-headed is fine, having your head buried in the sand is fine, just stop bitching if you don’t want to know or are ignoring what you do know. The consequences are on their way. But if you would like to side step the pile of sh*t you are getting ready to step in, again, stop repeating your bad behavior and own up to what you are doing or not doing. Listen to your internal eternal self. Pray to a higher power. Find someone you trust. Growth will only come when you are ready to take responsibility and listen rather than react. It’s not easy it’s often not fun when you are in an emotional state but in the long run consequences will always be felt as worse than taking the time to discover what the right course of action is. God is in the details and my details include staying away from sugar, you can bet I will not be eating sugar again!!!!. Cyst gone, balance restored! Praise God, I can breath!!!!!!!!!!!

Vibration is key


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In a word filled with people who have the answers its hard to discern the truth. Do this not that being a clarion call when this or that is not a one size fit all kind of thing. What’s right for one is different from what is right for someone else. My awe ha moment was the understanding of vibration. Vibration is the underlying common denominator linking everything together. In the beginning was the word, the word is vibration, vibration is the mother to sound. Vibration makes everything live, even in the rock just resting on the ground is a vibration that can be recognized. All life vibrates and the rate of vibration is what we read off of people even though most of us would never cop to that.

I have been a chanter for years its one of my forms of devotion in my spiritual practice. Chanting is said to raise the vibration of the human vessel letting more light into a dark ignorant experience changing everything. The more you know about vibration the more you know about everything. Light wins when the battle is against the dark, one little candle breaks even the darkest dark. So chanting is a spark to our inner light moving us away from darkness to light, activating our own inner guru.

We meet someone we like, it’s a vibration thing. The person with the greatest rate of vibration is the most engaging in a group. The person with the weakest is probable not noticed and is clearing the table feeling like a slave. Our rate of vibration is ultimately tied into our free will. When we live by spiritual principles our rate of vibration increases bringing better understanding and health to our lives. Talk right, be right, act right, all ways to increase vibration in our spiritual heart, eat right sleep right exercise right all increase the physical bodies rate of vibration increasing health and immunity. When we choose otherwise your mental state make reflect lots of stress, control issues, unhappiness.

I have had a sinus cyst issue for years and when I get under the weather and am not eating right, or thinking right my sinus cyst blows up leaving little room for air, something I find necessary for my life. I get into almost panic like situations trying to sleep lying down and its all my own fault. I’ve been to enough doctors had the cyst removed twice not to know exactly what is going on. When you refuse to listen to your body your body will eventually have you as a captive audience, on your back, in your bed, at the doctor or in surgery. In the end it was vibration that turned my health around and it was vibration I used to push that cyst away again. I used chanting to increase spiritual light plus returned to eating right to increase my body health.Woke up cyst gone, again, and thank you body for doing your job.

There is no magical cure for anything until you turn up the frequency of your self than miracles abound. The greater the frequency the greater the vibration the greater experience you get to have at this game called life..

when in doubt look for the sun


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I have not felt well this last few days and there is nothing like feeling unwell to skew your world view when you let your emotions run like wild horses through your head and mind. I have like my last blog talks of been manipulated and mighty disappointed so God put me on my back so I could have nothing to do but think on these things. So I did. Then as I felt myself reacting to what is no doubt unfair treatment I read a statement speaking again of the power of faith versus the power of humanity.

When I slip from my true self and flounder in my ego is when negativity will pounce on me like a flea on a dog. Unnoticed at first and itches like hell soon after, the cause being unseen. Take a bath and the flea dies itch goes. Its the same with us when our emotions get the best of us, take a sun bath and the dark of negativity has to flee like the flea. Its an easy answer for what plagues us but its much easier to assign blame and strike out. Which as my iphone lost its mind yesterday and reset itself it was a good lesson in who is in control. Certainly not me, that phone did exactly what it wanted to even as I begged it not to. Same with family and friends.

Manipulation, disappointment, ego driven behavior is something we are all going t have to deal with and negativity is just an easy way to get nearly all of us to react. The master said to turn the other cheek when stomping their lights out might be a more satisfying thought. I’ll never let any one get the upper hand ever again, well, they will… So I feel a little better today and I realize that I did indeed take a huge personal attack and it did make me upset enough to allow weakness in and I became sick. Cause and effect people, the natural laws are in place for us to see the universe at work. Its the light of the sun that becomes the great equalizer. Positive thinking, positive actions led to positive results.

No one can bring us down if they can’t reach us. When are eyes are turned up to the sun the negative forces have to work that much harder. Let it run off of you like water on a ducks back, even fleas don’t really bother dogs they itch and move on. I am going to scratch my itch given to me by the negativity I let get a hold of me then I’m going for a walk in the sun and burn the rest of it out. While living in the north I remember that on a good sun day with below zero temps that sun would blast through my window sending its warmth right to me. So find the sun, drinking in its warmth and let it burn your negativity away. Light beats dark every time.

I turned the other check as I fell on my ass


IMG_1964 This is Zeus, many of you have met him before. Zeus is currently my spiritual teacher and a royal pain in my ass. This is him after another offense, having to deal with the shame of hurting me. As my spiritual teacher he has a unique style of teaching me things. Let me tell you an example.

When he was but a wee thing learning the fine art of walking on a leash he put me on my ass for the first time. We were visiting the backyard neighbor and his dog as we walked home from a walk. It was still winter here in Minnesota and though there was no snow on the ground it was frozen and hard as a brick. His dog a much older dog and mine were playing and he and I were chatting. The dogs were running around having a great time. In a flash they ran and Zeus spun me around dodging the other dog and pulled me down hard on my ass. For a brief second I saw stars, I couldn’t feel my legs, my breath was gone, I fu*king hit my ass right down on the bottom of my spine. It rang my bell as we say. I got up and made light of it as  I didn’t want the old man to feel bad.  He couldn’t even help me up and the dogs and I were tangled in leashes for a minute. It was a painful walk back to the house.

From that moment on I had back pain. Reoccurring back pain when ever I walked, awesome! It was so bad I would have to just stop walking waiting for my back to relax so I could continue walking. Not walking wasn’t an option as the dog was a puppy. I kept with my yoga had to see the doctor a number of times. The worst was when my daughter was at least 8 months pregnant. We were in TJ Maxx and my back went out and my ridiculously pregnant daughter had to help me walk. We went up to the mall for the eastern guys to make it better. That man nearly stood on my back forcing it back into submission. I would marry him if I could remember him I just remember wanting to die and then being ok with continuing to live. Back pain is the bane of my existence and has been my uninvited guest for months now.

Fast forward to a few days ago and the miracle. The dog and I as usual on our walk made difficult by back pain. We were headed back towards the house just a few blocks away when a squirrel ran and got Zeus’s attention and on instinct he went after him. I was at the end of my walk not even paying attention when he took off. He whipped me all the way around and I fell on my ass, again! Praise God I didn’t hit the sidewalk I hit the ground and fu*king hard, it rang my bell again. Embarrassment is always the first thing that happens when you fall in public but all I could think of was my back and how I was going to kill(sort of kidding) the dog when I could up and get to him. Car going by, me up and walking no problem , no really I’m fine. Zeus was on his back begging forgiveness he knew what was happening. We walked home S L O W L Y.

Well it turns out that last fall was me turning the other cheek and all of the back pain I was having because of the first fall was gone. As far as I’m concerned this is a register-able miracle because I am not in pain and that dog pulled me down hard. I haven’t had a single problem walking him since he dropped me to the ground. I wouldn’t even talk about it until I had pushed my myself walking in places that make walking hard. Every time we headed out I waited for the pain and it just stopped coming. That dog pulled me to my ass and in that moment I turned the other cheek and God gave me a break.

I guess sometimes we are turning the other cheek subconsciously and don’t even know it. My falling on my ass must have been the outward sign that it was happening to me. See you can pay the big bucks and a teacher can tell you wise stuff or you can walk your dog and watch God teach you everything you ever need to know by putting you on your ass.

 

new life


imagesMy daughter had her baby on Saturday. A beautiful new life came to us and not without great fanfare. My daughter was quite uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy as most women are, and we had wanted the baby to come early as it seemed the easiest way for Natalie to be comfortable again. I gave her a mudra to help bring on labor and as if on cue into labor she went. Everything about the delivery was as difficult as her pregnancy and I knew this new little girl had big things planned here on earth. Her arrival was anything but normal. In one brief moment it went from being a regular delivery to they both were in trouble, a mothers worse nightmare.

My daughters temperature was climbing with the intensity of her labor and the baby was not faring much better. Her heartbeat was erratic which indicated she may have had an infection or Natalie had one they couldn’t tell and the first round of antibiotics did nothing to slow the fever. Then the ob doctor finally arrives and I knew by the look on her face we weren’t in a happy space. She wanted to say something without saying it, “we could go on and keep trying to push”, the baby was just rocking back and forth and not making much progress towards her birth, “or, we could…” and there they were the words I didn’t want to hear, “we could do a c-section and get the baby out”.

Can there be a decision made after such a sentence, get the baby out, it was tense and in another moment I had to encourage my daughter to do the hardest thing, to give up and give it over, to God, to the doctors. I stayed with her to go through surgery as her husband was so overwhelmed I couldn’t imagine him having to do it. They made me wait outside of the operating room and I knew something was up, and there was. They had surrounded her so quickly I can barely remember it, just that sense of knowing something was wrong, I prayed a prayer that could be heard throughout all of eternity for my daughter who I had no idea was in distress unable to communicate her needs, I was far away from her on the other side of a door.

They had to put her to sleep, so uncool to see your daughter so far away from herself while her body was getting ready to have a baby, so uncool. And in a flash there she was, they pulled that baby out of her so fast. I saw them place the baby on Natalie and she never cried. They moved her and there she laid in her infant incubator so small, not crying, not feeling right, her feet and hands white, I was so lost for a moment in a sense away from myself because of the stress. My daughter didn’t get to see her baby born but I did, she didn’t get to be with her baby right after birth but I did, and then I prayed. I prayed such a prayer as I have never prayed before, everything scary had to stop, it had to stop, everything had to be ok, then it had to be fine, then it had to be better, I called upon on God, I called upon all that is in the creative universe to make it better, to fix it, my granddaughter and my daughter, just fix it, I said in my loudest sternest voice to the heavens.  I put my hand on my little granddaughters little chest encouraging her and couldn’t even look over at my daughter who was still so far away from her body, so I looked at my granddaughter pushing my life force into her, then there she was, looking out her eyes, moving the blood through her body, there she was.

I had to leave the hospital soon after they brought the baby up for her father to see. I had hurt my back helping Natalie in labor, I was in pain and frankly I needed to cry, big fat tears of horror and joy. My daughter has gone through an incredible karmic journey to bring this girl to the earth for her new life but I get the sense from her this is certainly not her first…

And someday her mother and I will share this story with her. A story that speaks to the pain of being human, the pain of being born, and through this journey we learn it is indeed a good thing to be born, a good thing to be a human, and a great thing watching new life beginning again.

Thoughts on returning home, or home?

Thoughts on returning home, or home?

I have been back for over a week now from my trip to Paris. One of the prices I pay for traveling is the level of headaches and fatigue I deal with on my return, boo hoo, right? But through the fog of jet lag and migraines is the awareness of my resistance to being home. Home is where the heart is, we say and write, wanting to believe it. But my heart sits in a damaged place so returning here just feels like returning. I am just back here after being there.

I realized on the return flight just how much denial I was living in. I was saying I was fine about a few subjects that when brought to light had the stink of rot all over them, fine my ass. As soon as I am on the ground my sense of responsibility lights up like a christmas tree and my resentment right alone with it. All of the sudden I am not in charge of my life, it is happening to me. I have to take care of them. I have to tend to them.

My son shows up and I can see that he is off, is he taking his medicine? My grandson is so needy I can hardly get a breath. He spends the first 3 days I get back with me and has to be tolerant of my jet lagged ass, preferring that to anything else going on. I knew something was up. I was only gone 2 weeks.

I made a sacrifice when I decided to come back here to live and help my son and more importantly my grandson. It is a sacrifice that must be like a promise and like promises I make I try to keep. I broke off with my family in order to put aside and finally the constant negativity that is how we relate to each other. So I deal with this unaided by family support. My life is hard enough dealing with a bipolar son who is constantly mad at the world to having to constantly explain how what I am doing is not enabling it is keeping a household together until my grandson can fend for himself. I think of how my life might have been different had anyone taken notice of my struggle.

Right now my son is mad and out there, and he did not come over as usual this morning, all the signs I need to know just how bad this next few days and weeks could get and my grandson is to start school soon. Fuck me, excuse my french.

While I was away in the fantasy world of Paris I began thinking again of relocating. I try so hard to imagine a land where more people spoke my language and understood my sensibility. I sometimes just want to live where I just like it better. I want to be somewhere I enjoy being. All the same bull shit sentences I heard my mother say. She was eternally dissatisfied with her now short life. I don’t want to be that. I made a promise to be here. Maybe all I want is some peace.

It takes so much out of me my only hope is getting on a plane and leaving for a while but it only can be for a while because I made a promise to call this home, for a while.

The price of independence

The price of independence

This is a picture of my lawn mower. This is a picture of my lawn mower not moving an inch because I couldn’t get it started. This is a picture of where my lawn mower will now sit until my son comes and starts it. This is a moment when I see ever more clearly the price of my independence.

I have been married most of my adult life having started at 20, finishing up around 48. I live alone now which is fine but it is a constant struggle. I hate that. I see more and more my mothers horror of having to spend long days dealing with an illness alone in her house. It is hard being sick and alone. I think of all the years my Grandmother lived alone. Really alone. I can’t believe I left my Grandma alone. She lived in a city none of us did and my brother and I lived many states away. Now as I age living alone in my house, I feel her reality come into view. From the difficulties of getting groceries to the house from the car with 3 feet of snow in front of the garage door, to lawns that need mowers to start, damn it! Sometimes it’s just simply needing a light bulb changed, or help unscrewing a screw left unscrewed, way to long. It sucks to live alone.

This isn’t a I need a husband, a wife would do, a strong do it your self-er, the point is, we all need another body to help us out from time to time and sometimes its no more than holding your hair back when you’re puking your guts out, or being soothed when you come screaming awake from a bad dream. We need others in our lives who can bring us soup we can’t get out of bed and encourage us when we won’t. Why do we make ourselves or our loved ones live alone?

I think more and more of what controlled agriculture has done to us. As our food supply stabilized and we could buy what we want rather than toil for what we need, we somehow lost sight of what was important and became more excited about having fun. No more worry for the future and a passivity moved into us that kept us from eyeing the future. Televisions became babysitters and microwaves cooked dinner. Family members began hanging with peers and the ease of our lives made chillin an option for our young. We have strayed far away from the idea of family and community. Today more and more money is king. So nursing homes take care of our dying folks, who wants that stupid job anyway…and friends are better family members than family members.

And now I find myself living alone, mightily aware of how hard it would be if I didn’t have my son nearby to start my mower when it won’t, and my daughter close enough to take me to the hospital when my migraines super nova. They do these things for me gladly again that’s not the point, these needs puts me at someone’s mercy. I don’t like it at all but it’s a reality and as a family if I continue to live alone I know we will handle it, I am blessed in this way. But I feel for those who aren’t or weren’t, like my Grandma.

If we had decided to stay in tribes and working communities this wouldn’t be an issue. Cultural models of how to deal with the young, aging and sick would already be in place and not a multi-billion dollar industry worried for its bottom line rather than the care of those we have entrusted to them or sometimes left for them to deal with. We are making mistakes and missing opportunities for our growth as humans. We are losing the idea that we are in fact our mother fathers, brother sisters keeper. Think on anyone older you know who lives alone without family nearby and wonder how they get their lawn done, the car out of the garage with a flat, make it to appointments when horribly ill, or groceries to the house, and broken things fixed. Of course money makes everything easier and sometimes friends but is it awesome to have to constantly rely on strangers to do tasks you did for yourself when younger or tended to for others when older. Who tends to us now and why does it cost so damn much?

It’s hard to look in the yard and see that stupid mower sitting there, dead. The guys who delivered my new chair drove up as I was trying to start it and then walked right passed it, ugg! I am in hopes something comes to me before I get completely unable to do for myself. Of course this is why I stay on top of my physical yoga routine to support my body and meditation for my mind but, sickness comes, headaches stay and accidents happen. And right now I just wanted to mow my grass but can’t. Plus I have furniture in the basement I can’t move by myself, boxes to mail I have to carry to the car and then to the store, small things like that. But enough…therefore by the grace of God go I, at least my kids are still around to help.

It’s a high price to have my independence.