mistakes, I’ve made a few


Here’s my declaration. Here is my truth. This is my line in the sand.

I have made a mistake. One that is nearly 12 years old now. A continuous mistake that I have been trying to fix, inside myself mostly. It has been a costly mistake, financially yes, but far worse, emotionally.

I gave up my power to another. I gave away my dignity. I nearly broke myself.

I don’t want to say I was caught up in a cult but I was behaving like I was and so were they. Nothing anybody could say would change my mind about this person until I found myself boo hooing again. Surprised by continuous let downs, oh did it happen again, people would say knowing I had lost my fu*king mind. Just like the song lyrics, whoops I did it again, he played with my heart and I got lost in the game, oh baby baby, maybe Brittany knew something I needed to know.

I have been railing against this knowledge because I kept thinking I was to smart for someone to take over my life and override my common sense. I have been the boss of myself since I was a child, never needed someone to tell me anything and then I got sick and didn’t want to die. So I let someone tell me what to do and I followed them like a child forgetting that even I in my ignorance knew God was in charge.

As I watched myself do it again, put myself in harm’s way, allowing that other voice to lie to me again, it just felt like a sick addiction and I was sick of myself. I had been through too much for this stupidity, yet here I was doing it again. I was so lost in my life that going backward and back into the trap seemed the only answer to all this loneliness and horror.

Wrong, so f*cking wrong.

Where are the brakes in my mind? Where is the delete button? Where is the reset button? But it would never be that easy. I had something to figure out, a need to know. Why do we do this? Why do intelligent people give themselves away to charismatic teachers? Why do we sign so many checks?

I have started watching documentaries on cults and spiritual teachers from other lands in my country stepping on the backs of their students and followers until kool-aide is served or your back account empty and your worth stripped away and you are sent away or to jail. These teachers were just here to play, with our minds and hearts. People meant to be trusted. The hardest thing about watching the others talk about it on camera especially about their leader was how much I saw of myself and my own stupidity and desire for someone else to lead. What is wrong with us? Are we really sheep that need to be led? Hell to the yes, it seems.

Our creator put a brain in our head. We are supposed to be using it ourselves, not fueling other egos or being brainwashed. I feel bad for all the middle age women who are lost and with money whose lives have been sacrificed by a being with the sole agenda of fame and money. There is no love there as they proclaim, I love you I love you I love you, palms pressed together, lies all lies. How do you love what you so easily give away or steal or take? It’s not love, its manipulation.

It’s our fault. We did this. We allowed it. I did this. I allowed this. My mistake!

So I made this mistake and now in confession I will stop making it.

Let’s hope!

I would love to hear from others who have had similar experiences and learn what helped you to finally move on.

God help us all!

 

Here’s some perspective for you


images.jpg

I woke up in pain, nope, my body woke me up because it was experiencing horrifying pain. There was an ice pick in my head trying to kill me, or at least that is the image these headaches give me. I have a migraine condition that makes my body a prison cell one I can’t leave as anyone with intelligence would, when something as untenable as this MF pain comes to call.

I used to go to the hospital for them and beg for relief, now they just see me as a drug seeking middle-aged woman when I have the money to be a well-tended drug addict if I wished, street drugs are easy to find. But that’s not what I want. But what I don’t want is this pain that eats at me until the only thing I can think about is the knife in my kitchen that will fucking end my misery, yea that’s how bad it gets that. I would rather be dead than spend anther millisecond in a body that is such a bitch.

I have been betrayed, my heart-broken by would be friends and others who decided my money so very interesting and heart pain hurts like hell. It makes it hard to look at humans because lying is so easy to some, no really let’s be friends, no really I care about you, Fuck all of you! But heart pain can be dealt with by hardening the heart. Now there are gates in place, do not disturb signs, it won’t be so easy to break my heart again.

But this betrayal by my own flesh is something that gives me pause. I have had to step away from body countless times, and I watch her writhing in pain, is this life… As the reason to keep going dwindles in a life that has stopped like sailboat with no wind, a headache gives me the continued thought of why go on.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing this level of pain, I’ve had babies, back when they made us poor people push them out, drugs were for them, not me. I’ve had multiple surgeries, frozen shoulder twice, plantar fasciitis for nearly 3 years, both feet, believe me I know pain. I’ve done hospice work, I know other’s pain.  My mother died of bone cancer. But this head pain is swift and punishing in a way that moves my sense of right and what the fuck could be wrong with ending it myself. Everyone of my children have had to watch me at this level of pain, I HATE THAT, my eldest had to listen to me beg for the knife I knew was on his belt, that was a bad headache… is bad even a word for what this is

So here’s my perspective for you. I’m suffering in this lifetime for whatever reason, karmically, just bad DNA, my granny had migraines, big secret because of the drugs she probably begged for. If you do not have horrifying pain, or are watching someone suffer with debilitating pain, then get down on your knees and thank whatever God you believe in.

No need to worry Im writing so the pain has back up enough that the knife stays in the drawer, for today………..

Anchor of Hope

Anchor of Hope

I stopped writing some time ago, why bother? What difference does it make?

My life was derailed years ago and I have been swimming like hell to get back to some kind of shore. And I see a lot of people out here swimming the waters of “OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME” with me. It seems we have become fish in a barrel to what ever feels the need to point a gun in our general direction, are we safe? What is life about now when we have stopped feeling safe in our surroundings? Safe in any sense of the word.

As a spiritual teacher I have looked around and watched the teachings fail us. Why are we in such a mess? So, I put myself and my work on hold. I needed a different teaching than everything is going to be ok, please! those people and their platitudes make me want to hit something. Have you seen the level of suffering that is going on? What can be done? What can we as a single person do to help? Is it all lost until this apparent fall is finished and the old guard dead?

Hopeless is how it feels!

But maybe that’s ok, maybe the old guard needs to die. Maybe what we are feeling is the death of the old world and its greedy humanity hating ways. Maybe it has to be a painful death so that light can begin to enter into the minds of men again. To bring humanity to the brink of extension, giving us all a near death experience especially to awaken the walking dead.

What we have to be careful of is the hopelessness of watching the worst of humanity struggle to keep in control dowsing us with a daily dose of negativity and back bending fear. Tragedy after tragedy can make a person turn their head away from the suffering of their brother or sister. “I’m only one person what can I do”, said way to often…

In the words of Jack Nicolson as the Joker in the first batman, this world needs an enema…

because as a humanity we are full of shit…

First rule of change, be the change you are looking for

Want to be peaceful in a non peaceful world, be peaceful at all costs.

Want to be loving in a non loving world, be loving at all costs.

Want to have hope in a hopeless world, be hopeful at all costs.

Last night, another sleepless night of never ending oh my God, What now? What next? the endless supplications to what feels like a unhearing God… I decided to listen to a podcast of Joel Osteen, I know so many people hate on this man, but I’ll tell you he loves God more than most do, anyway… he was talking about anchoring in hope,

here comes the God talk but listen to it this way… faith is the hope of things to come, faith needs hope, do you get that? If you claim you have faith, then you best be anchored in hope. In this easiest terms it means if you are steeping in fear like a used tea bag, you have lifted your anchor from hope, its trailing behind you like a tail not an anchor…

When life bogs you down with any kind of weighted personal issue and you have begun lamenting it, you have let your anchor go and you will find your self drifting back to hopeless ocean,

Open your eyes, see where you are and put your anchor back down.

Keep your anchor in check. Keep your anchor moored to hope. If you believe in a higher power then leave your anchor next to your God and quit flailing around like you don’t know, because you do know…

God is always there! Its you that moves around and forgets.

Anchor in Hope!

 

We are starting again

We are starting again

th.jpg

There are many reasons to write a blog, one being so you can be seen and adored by fans for your wit and so-called wisdom. This is not that kind of blog, as a matter of fact, this will be the kind of blog that you will either desire to read or you will burn this connection, heretic witch…oh well I say.

This is a coming to Jesus minute.

Something I have found hard for the last 11 years of my life is the absence of wisdom, and a complete lack of desire for reality. I mean for myself. The fantasy of our world is a much easier lie to tell ourselves, helping us to sleep at night, keeping us asleep during the day. You may even think that you want change or for things to be different. You still think you have control over outcomes. You think you live in reality, the real world, where shit is real and you can be killed, eaten, taken advantage of. That you have real choice.

Oh did you think you were actually awake, and in reality. Who’s reality…

No baby this is a dream…

There is no advancement in life without this knowledge. Sorry, you who think you know truth.

You are asleep at the wheel of your life. You feel alive, I did too. It seems like we are living in a reality. I mean really don’t tell me that last 5 day migraine was a figment of my imagination, I wanted to die, slit my throat, bleed out, it was as real as the letters you are reading right now.

Are these letters real or does your mind tell you these dashes mean something? Who interprets your words for you, who or what gives them meaning? These are the big questions.

You remember the song, row row row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream.

We are living in a dream. Your mind as an advanced computer has given your eyes something to perceive and a world to find your way in and through. Apparently we have been tossed down here and now have to figure it out, in an eat or be eaten world.

Humanity will never move past the horror we are trapped in until someone, somewhere, comes out of the dream, kicking and screaming, trying to wake everyone up.

Guess what? I’ll be doing that. I have no idea of the name of the one who just through me out of my dream. The pain of that 5, 6 ,7 day headache drove me to an edge, no returning from that. Once you see differently you can never readjust your eyes to lies.

We are living in a lie, convinced of a material world that has no real backing, it’s an illusion, and believe me as I threw up my guts until my stomach threatened to follow I no more believed this is an illusion than you do right now. So convinced that your pain is real, your suffering is real, so was I.

Nope and wrong. Pain just happens to be one of the ways spirit talks to me, a human with a difficult past, seeminglyunloving uncaring parents and no real support in the real world. All of my power came from a belief that I had for myself. I had to get hard before they went at me again, I learned all tricks to side step, pain, any pain, emotional, physical, spiritual.

So when I fell in LA this last trip I already knew my head would respond. I get headaches like some people get indigestion or get pissed, a headache is always just a thought away, my head gives me buckets of pain.

Because I have believed I am the creator of myself. No one can help, no one cares frankly, and I’m living in a material world and I am a material girl. So many lies.

I am no more material than any of you are, your dream of reality is as powerful as mine was.

So I will lead a new charge. I am done swimming in a world of my own making. It sucks here. My body thinks it’s the boss of me and due to DNA weakness my body is a fu*king nightmare a lot of the time. So time to turn the channel and tune into a different version of reality.

In other words, I, during an experience of unimaginable pain, that I was not only forced to live through, but no amount of drugs would remove me from it. That suffering world be mine baby, all mine, and mine to fix, which I fu*king did, victory arms.

It is said that creator will give us know more than we can handle, or maybe its more important to say that the greater your intelligence, and willingness to change or see clearly, creator will assist in clearing the cob webs from your mind, the film in front of your eyes, and release you from the cage your heart is trapped in. Using any and all means available.

Stay with me, and I’ll explain it all, as it was and is revealed to me,

you know, heretic witch that I am.

 

 

Rough patch


th.jpg

Nothing like a rough patch to send you off your rocker and straight to the loony bin. Nothing like having your world derailed by somebody elses actions. And there is nothing like the feeling of sliding and falling, as you realize the rough patch you were afraid of is already underneath you and that feeling is your feet losing their hold. One rough patch of unbelievable size can bring a human to their knees. Time to put some knee pads on!

What we constantly forget as we move through life is, that its life. We have been so removed from reality that a human experiencing a rough patch looking at social media would assume that they are the only ones suffering. In fake-ville or the land of virtual reality everyone is; tan, healthy, on vacation, their children are well-behaved, they have the most loving partner, they got a big raise, new house, lost 20 pounds, blah blah blah.

Really people! Back in the day, we were told (I was told a least a billion times) what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. It was understood that life was hard and the only sure way to get through it was to live your life. Hiding won’t help, denying won’t help, blame won’t help, AT ALL. You have to do it, live, you have to live!

Staying stoned – not living , staying drunk – not living, staying in denial – not living, starving yourself – not living, staying mad- so not living, ignoring your dreams – not living, pretending you do not matter- not living.

We go through life one day at a time. You can sit inside your head or in fantasy, living a yesterday over and over again or plotting your tomorrows, it will not help you live today. Each day you get up is your opportunity, your chance. It may be today that the rough patch shows itself, it might be tomorrow, but believe me, there is another rough patch ahead, just around the corner, outside in your yard, inside your kids head,

Believe me, there is a rough patch ahead.

You are alive you can’t avoid them.

My world was tossed around AGAIN, and I wallowed, my misery was all-consuming. My world was trying to fall apart again, AGAIN. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I have had a very large portion of troubles in my life, rough patches would be an understatement. Just like you, I suspect. None of us are getting through this without a lot of pain, this is a growth spurt for humanity. Unfortunately, we will not grow unless we are forced to, so rough patches are designed to move you from pain, to smack you until your vision clears so you see what’s in front of you. One rough patch is not the big picture, the big picture includes rough patches.

So for 3 days I wallowed in the are you kidding me, again, I have to go through this again, again, like a broken record, again.

Wallowing feels good for a moment, oh woe is me, oh God leave me alone already, how am I going to get through this…………….

and on the 3rd day I rose, again.

It was just rough patch, which is not the big picture, nor the end of this story…

messages for the push


th-1.jpg

There are times in life when the cheer leading squad of your world gets busy or is uplifting someone else, you can beg and plead with your God or the universe for a kind word and the silence will be deafening! I mean the screaming sound of nothing can take your breath away. It is the loneliest feeling, needing something you can’t find or reach for yourself. Yet, what do we learn, the strength you need to get through your sh*t is inside of you.There is inside of all of us a self-regulating monitor of love and support which can be activated if you quit looking for a source outside of yourself. The great power of the universe is inside of you. When we scream in frustration sometimes it’s because we know, we need to do something. Crying into the wind only can do so much…

So here are some push notifications to use when you need to remind yourself of the power in YOU

  1. You are unique. The world seemingly desires consistency between us humans, all the same wonderful weight and degree of success. But that level of sameness will burn the world out. We were made unique, a single vortex of creative energy that can suck a room dry with its neediness, or swirl in its wonder becoming everything you were meant to be. So stop trying to be “them” or “one of them”or “just like them” You were meant to be you, singularly you, without you where would any of us be?               SO BE YOU
  2. There is no wrong answer. Sorry perfectionists but each of us develops our own answers for our own unique life. I’m not Betty and you are not Joe. So what works for Betty may not work for Joe. And for every question you have there are a multitude of answers, there is not just one. An experiment is done over and over with minute changes in the problem to test outcomes. What is an answer today may become a problem tomorrow. SO KEEP TRYING, don’t stop searching for the unique answer for your unique question.
  3. You look like you are supposed to. It cannot be stated enough that your physical shell is not you, just the entity that houses you. We change houses all of the time. We remodel our houses. But if you tear your house down before you have another house you will be homeless, a spirit without a body. This is how most people live, as a spirit without a body because they hate their body. Hate yourself long enough and your body will begin to play along. Look in the mirror and see you, if you need to do some remodeling then do so. But remember you are not your body, it looks like its suppose to. You are awesome just as you are.
  4. Material success is not real. Change fixes that, one day this makes you rich the next day your money is gone. Material plane anything is a but a dream. Because frankly material success is a trap. Once you are dead your material success stays here and you go to the next world taking with you what can’t be carried. Don’t be fooled by a world that wishes to make you a slave to material things and this desire your primary concern. You can’t take it with you so work to have that which is not material.
  5. Love is the answer. The horror is most people have no real idea what true love is. The level of sacrifice, the amount of pain we endure, the hopelessness we face in an uncertain world all contribute to our suffering. This one is easy and hard but the lord gave us the one law, love your creator with all your might and love your neighbor as yourself. Correct your eyesight from dismissive judgement, see the other in front of you as you, see the world as a parent sees a child, love with the fury of a mother and the world will love you back.
  6. It is all a mystery. There is no human who knows. There is no one better than another, in the eyes of the big game of life. There is no second place. There are no winners or losers. There are no rules only consequences. The mystery of life is like a veil over our eyes keeping us from truth but focus your eyes on the third eye and your vision will  clear. Be better everyday. Be open to all that is happening and the mysteries of the universe will open to you.
  7. Be in charge of you. Face it no one knows you better than you know yourself.
  8. Don’t let anyone be the boss of you. Think for yourself. Be your biggest fan.
  9. Do your inner work . Be flexible in your beliefs. Keep your eyes on truth. Do not let someone else influence your beliefs. Be your own monitor.
  10. Use silence as a spiritual practice. When all else fails put your hands in front of your mouth, stop talking, start listening. That incessant chatting inside of your head is getting you nowhere fast, silence that voice. Harness inside of your self the voice of truth. Believe me, truth has a distinctive voice, you will recognize truth when you hear it. Believe in silence and let nothing penetrate your inner most self. God made you so be quiet and hear the voice of your creator, it calls for us.
  11. Be still and know that I am God. You can’t do it alone. We were not meant to do it alone. The help and support we need has been there the entire time. Inside of you is the strength of the universe. You are massive in your power so know that God is with you and the be that power.  Be still and know God has you, everything is going to be alright.

What’s the point!


th.jpg

I’m not sure what the point is anymore. I’ve been writing and writing and just like teaching if no one is getting it, why continue?

I see pain, I have gone through pain, the entire country is going through pain and yet everyone seems stuck in their own limited mind-set. It doesn’t matter what you say, nobody is listening. They can only hear their own voice because they are soooo right. So many people believe they are right. God only knows what is going on.

If everyone is right why are we in the shape we are in?

I just read that a first grader took a gun to school and it fired into the ground thank God. Yet gun control, no way, you can take my gun from my cold dead hand, which in the hand of a 6-year-old is entirely possible. They don’t know what that gun can do. You kill someone on a video game they get back up, they turn into zombies, they don’t die.. but you will if it’s aimed at you when it goes off.

There are negative racist remarks on the bathrooms of our schools, you know where we keep our precious children safe. There are grown ass adults spouting racist, prejudiced rhetoric everywhere, and we wonder why their children do?

TV is hard to watch, the news? what news… if these are the end times then I say speed it up.

I’m tired of war mongers, haters, people only interested in taking…

In my country the welfare of the people is dependent on the number of rich influential beings who may either profit or be harmed by what’s going on. For example the pipeline, let’s poison these people’s water , but not these people over here…

The entire teaching of we are one is so lost on the rich. The teaching we are our brother and sisters keeper, so lost on the rich. The teaching this land is your land this land is my land, so lost on the rich who would own everything and charge us for it…

But no one cares and woe be to you who do…

Sorry people I’m tired of it. What’s the point…

I’ll tell you what the point is, my family, my children, my grandchildren, my adopted people of all races, genders and faiths…

Come near them, and I’ll show you the point of staying the fu*k back…

That’s right its not funny anymore