testing mother’s love


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Just to be a part of the world right now is a mighty test to my mothering self.

I am a mother and grandmother, it is a job I stumbled into, many many moons ago. It is one I hold with pride, dignity, and it is and will be, hands down, the hardest job of my life. In every minute there is something happening to the kids or the grandkids, they are constantly testing my love. Asking for this, needing that, they are constantly testing my love.

Am I ok, not ok, Are you proud of me, Am I doing alright? We ask and ask because we want to know, Are we ok, Are we doing alright? They want to know. They are constantly testing my love.

Even in the dark days of horror and drugs and screaming and fighting I stood there, never moved, I am the mama, they were constantly testing my love.

In the sad days of loss and divorce and life will never be the same, I stood there never wavered, We are ok, we are doing alright! They were constantly testing my love.

When they were seperated from me by meanspirited behavior that sought to take me from my children, it was worse, they asked and asked, are we ok, are we doing alright? They were testing my love after I had been removed from them. I never wavered. I never moved. I was always right there. They needed to test my love.

So many years later and testing goes on, Are we ok, Are we doing alright? A mother’s job is never done and the testing of a mamas love unending, because I am an ocean. You can test me and push me, I am a force that can’t be moved easily, but I can easily move over you.

By pain or might I am a force that can’t be moved. I stand in the stead of the father who resides in the useen world, I see what they cannot. They are constantly testing my love because my love overflows for them and they can. They can test me and test me because…

It’s what I do to God, Are you there, am I ok, Am I doing alright?  I am constantly testing God’s love. As I am a mama containing infinite love I stand beside the one who has that same love for me, for as I am tested, I am testing and together we learn that we are protected, guided, and lead right where we need to be.

test my mothers love and I will wrap my big arms you and love you up, test me all you want, my love for you cannot be moved,

because the one I test has never let me down. I am held so I can hold you!

 

 

Being real


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As a woman with a mouth, meaning I say it like it is and I am not into sugaring coating things for the masses, if you don’t get it or like it, move on! The problem is trying to be a part of spiritual communities that pander to their community rather than teach, because 1) they don’t want to upset anyone with their beliefs, 2)they want your money they could careless what you think, 3) they have no real interest in your spiritual growth, at all. Pandering has never been beneficial to anyone or anything. Real change can only occur when pain does the driving. None of us wants to be uncomfortable, me least of all, but in the end pain is what moves humans from one state to the next. We need our spiritual communities to be better about teaching this.

Women right now as I see it, are more interested in looking good than sounding good, they would rather feel good but they don’t mean deep down inside, they mean lets have a glass of wine, so I can feel good. We are ignoring our power and subjecting ourselves to the new norm which is shut up, keep your moth closed and do what I say, oh thats the old way, never worked, never will. Real women are not told to shut up because who would walk up to that raging power and who has the courage… they don’t they aim guns, they wrap their hands around our throats, they threaten our existence. That is not keeping it real, thats showing how fear motivates being unreal.

We were meant to be real. We were each given a voice a point of view and the mental capacity to be all we desired to be. The world is a mental projection of our thoughts and feelings. If you feel bad about your life, chances are your life sucks, and sickness is looking for you in what ever way it can get to you. Do you remember when women, “went through the change” they spoke quietly of those women because it was like they were losing their minds. Did it ever occur to anyone maybe at the time of the change a woman has finally had about enough of the fricking weakness that is the leadership of our families and our world.

I am teaching my daughter how to be a powerful woman and what that means as a mother and partner. I am showing her the best I can that it is her energy field that holds her house together and helps her to understand her partner and her children. We have to be taught to listen to the wisdom that is in us, and hear the growing strength of our internal voice. For most women it’s the voice of their mother, holy shit, that is horrifying if the mother wasn’t able to mother, so then we must mother ourselves so we can mother our own children. We have to be real to our situation not dream of butterfly kisses, if you are down in the trenches like most of us there is not much sweet going on down there.

The strength of a woman is in her voice. The power of a woman is the light shining from herself like a shield, the love of a woman is in her eyes, sparkling when filled with love or dim when not. When we accept the norm of todays standard I find I am looking at women whose face registers nothing but the needle they worshiped for the God of youth, thats not keeping it real, thats selling yourself, please don’t give me that, we have the right to remain as young as possible in whatever way, nope “Don’t go gentle into that dark night” be real, being who you are makes you powerful, it is not how you look, nor has it ever been.

Those women who move through social situations based on looks are the ones who lose their shit mid 40’s, it is beyond they understanding that their power had nothing to do with how they look. It is and always has been dependent on the “who” you are and whether or not you are in touch with your source, are you? This is what the spiritual community was meant to fix. Becoming your best self, through the knowledge of that which is more powerful than you and then learning to hear the voice that loves you supports you and desires to lead you to success. Perfection is a process that goes on and on never finished so perfect yourself by staying real.

So again, whose voice are you listening to, and are you lowering your voice in order not to “upset” the status quo?

Are you being real? Be real in your grace!

 

More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason,  we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!