Here’s some perspective for you


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I woke up in pain, nope, my body woke me up because it was experiencing horrifying pain. There was an ice pick in my head trying to kill me, or at least that is the image these headaches give me. I have a migraine condition that makes my body a prison cell one I can’t leave as anyone with intelligence would, when something as untenable as this MF pain comes to call.

I used to go to the hospital for them and beg for relief, now they just see me as a drug seeking middle-aged woman when I have the money to be a well-tended drug addict if I wished, street drugs are easy to find. But that’s not what I want. But what I don’t want is this pain that eats at me until the only thing I can think about is the knife in my kitchen that will fucking end my misery, yea that’s how bad it gets that. I would rather be dead than spend anther millisecond in a body that is such a bitch.

I have been betrayed, my heart-broken by would be friends and others who decided my money so very interesting and heart pain hurts like hell. It makes it hard to look at humans because lying is so easy to some, no really let’s be friends, no really I care about you, Fuck all of you! But heart pain can be dealt with by hardening the heart. Now there are gates in place, do not disturb signs, it won’t be so easy to break my heart again.

But this betrayal by my own flesh is something that gives me pause. I have had to step away from body countless times, and I watch her writhing in pain, is this life… As the reason to keep going dwindles in a life that has stopped like sailboat with no wind, a headache gives me the continued thought of why go on.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing this level of pain, I’ve had babies, back when they made us poor people push them out, drugs were for them, not me. I’ve had multiple surgeries, frozen shoulder twice, plantar fasciitis for nearly 3 years, both feet, believe me I know pain. I’ve done hospice work, I know other’s pain.  My mother died of bone cancer. But this head pain is swift and punishing in a way that moves my sense of right and what the fuck could be wrong with ending it myself. Everyone of my children have had to watch me at this level of pain, I HATE THAT, my eldest had to listen to me beg for the knife I knew was on his belt, that was a bad headache… is bad even a word for what this is

So here’s my perspective for you. I’m suffering in this lifetime for whatever reason, karmically, just bad DNA, my granny had migraines, big secret because of the drugs she probably begged for. If you do not have horrifying pain, or are watching someone suffer with debilitating pain, then get down on your knees and thank whatever God you believe in.

No need to worry Im writing so the pain has back up enough that the knife stays in the drawer, for today………..

Baby it’s dark outside


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Here in the Northland, daytime is but a memory as clouds, snow and 3:30 sunsets become the norm. In this part of the world the idea of the Winter Solstice and the return of light, is the light at the end of the tunnel reminding us that the universe does a lot of work under the cover darkness but the promise of the return is inevitable, and undeniable.

I have holiday lights ever twinkling, candles always burning and have created a beautiful cave for this season of interior work. While it is often hard to deal with so much dark there is an innate intimacy that is created between myself and the would be spirits that hang around. I feel the spirit of my grandma when I think on my loneliness and feel her assure me I am not alone.

When the sun does come out for just a brief time I stand in my window and let its rays wash over me so I can remember and stay hopeful for its return. I love the sun and sitting outside, less lonely out there. But now I sit inside looking out, it can be lonely in here. So as soon as I wake and after the so-called sunshine goes down, I turn on my twinkling lights and burn my candles and sit in this wonderland that I have created.

Only in the quiet do we hear the sound of our soul’s yearning and learn to discern the voice that may be God’s. Only in the dark without witness can I let myself be free to be me. In the dark where I am not afraid but released from eyes that hold judgement and I can sing and dance, and cry and scream, until all of me is free. My spirit soars into the sky, my dreams become bigger and the dragon I ride moves darkness away. The darkness is a presence that seeks to keep me down, but that’s not what the dark is outside this time of year.

This darkness is a blanket, it is a freedom of sort, a blank slate for recreating. This time of year reminds us of the impermanence of all things. Just like the dark to the day. The seasons call on us to change, be more, be different, be the same, just be, because the greatest gift to humans is our ability and freedom to be-come.

You may become whatever you wish. So baby it maybe dark outside but inside of the soul is a light that can’t be put out, unless you put it out. Use the dark to find your true self. Use the dark and be silent and listen to your hearts desire. Sing your song, write your story, be your dream.

The dark is only scary if you have no awareness of your light. Shine on baby, shine on!

 

Snowfall


There is a gentle snow falling

covering the tracks

of the world and its noise

sending ugliness back

it falls on my face

and right down my arms

it seems so clean

with its clever charms

everyone loves snow

the children to play

but the snow covers tracks

that should have stayed

are we fooled so easily

by bright white snow

to think what lies beneath

had somewhere else to go

like a mouse to a cat

go ahead take that step

one leg to the knee

the next to the neck

the snow’s not your friend

nor a white wash for pain

its a sign that unconsciousness

is most peoples game

Today I pour gold into my heart


 

 

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Today, I pour gold into my heart

The broken pieces to fragile to carry on unaided

I need a binder to hold it I need to remold it

today I pour gold into my heart

the weakness of a broken self releases to much pain

life force flows from the cracks, the leaks to hard to maintain

today I pour gold into my heart

my eyes see the others also heart broken

their pieces crashing, bodies treated as tokens

today I pour gold into my heart

i feel the children whose parents don’t and won’t

I feel the people still children whose parents wouldn’t

so now they won’t

today I pour gold into my heart

an alchemical process to turn life around

to move my broken heart back into my crown

today I pour gold into my heart

the gold that I mine to pour within me

is found in the smiles of the broken around me

today I pour gold into my heart

as I open my chest to accept the gold flow

it moves it to center now strengthened by glow

to the world I will offer it, to the children I gift it

this light within me now formed from filled cracks

glows with a strength that has brought me back

the gold filled the cracks and my heart it does glow

look to me as your light house you’ll know where to go

because today i poured gold into my heart

That’s right I’m angry


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That’s right I am angry. Oh does that hurt your precious sensibility? Funny how in spiritual circles we are to shun anger. Don’t be angry! Don’t get mad, get glad! Well you know what, I’m angry and I am ready to feel this anger and then tend to it. I figure if Jesus got angry and then anger is sometimes appropriate.

I think anger is useful! Because, and here’s the kicker, most humans won’t do anything about anything, until they finally get mad as hell. Then and only then, will they put down their phones, turn off the televisions, get off their asses and take a stand or do something about it.

I’m angry because mostly I see people bitching and whining like 3 year olds and their “life’s not fair” sentence. Get it in your head, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. That was a humans idea, nope, a humans opinion of how the world should be. In nature the snake eats the eggs of the birds, is that shit fair. We kill off everything for some whim, any whim, is that shit fair. We slave humans for greed in every possible way, is that shit fair. There is nothing fair about this world, I mean come on, our president walks around with the nuke codes and uncontrolable power to use them, is that shit fair.

Does it change anything to say it’s not fair. Yes sirrrrreee I’m angry.

I expected people to be for people, nope they will be for you if they can have what you have, or take what you have….

I expected woman to rise, to stand up. Now they are and it’s because they have been forced underneath men and their perverted sexual/power needs. Very few men believe in equality, ask one, or better yet check their track record. Most men slave their women and their children, and their mothers, and……………………….. I said most,

I expected humanity to rail against violence to children, nope men like to violate children, in the workforce, cheap labor and in the bedroom for titillating disgusting fun. Man once thought babies couldn’t feel pain, REALLY

I expected Gun control, nope I guess we will pry their guns from their cold dead hands, after a gunman shoots them with it. The horror is our country will never allow gun control until, and I doubt even then, someone powerful loses their child. This country loves guns not people. Money not people. Fame not people. Power not people.

I seek a divide in those living in skin suits who are not human but subhuman. Sound judgie…

I seek a dismissal to all positions lorded over children, parents learn to parent be the expert and boss for your kids. A wounded, unloved, used up child, grows up into a force that has become the backbone of our world, you know Dog eat Dog.

I am tired of all the humans who sat down because life was hard, drugs easier, blame faster, unconsiouness more desirable. What is fu*king wrong with you people.

And for all the so-called spiritual teachers, the self proclaimed gurus, the God gave me this assignment asshole church leaders, (talking to you Scientology and many others) bilking their people out of their hard earned money so you can be rich and famous, talking to you spiritual masters who use people, so you can be rich and famous while waving your God flag watching those around you suffer.  How’s your new Range Rover?

For family members who judge their family, boo on you. Who made you a God.

For the humans who use words like I love you, you are my friend, I will be there for you, and don’t mean a word you say, ******************************** this sentence has been censored.

So there, there’s my bitch. I am angry. Tomorrow maybe not so much.

Be a decent human. Be a team player. Be there for your family and friends.

Be something, stop doing nothing!

Awareness in Relationship


images-2.jpgI am having many ah moments reading Paul Selig’s books. It has reignited in me what my last disappointment I thought put out. Part of my search lately is trying to rise above the ceiling I kept running into while looking for truth in the many spiritual systems I have studied. In Churches, yoga studios, meditation centers and all manner of self-help gurus the same ideas of a rise was in place but they were held back by a wall or door that only the special could pass.
But within every organization I saw very few who had actually walked through the door and down the path to enlightenment but rather many that were teachings the steps while holding collection plates. And this group was usually the elite, the VIPs, the ones holding the knowledge that if you got close enough you could get too. Or so you thought.
Until we do the work of monitoring our influences, the false teachings will surround us and the truth will elude us, and all for thinking someone more powerful or with greater wisdom needs to lead. Every teaching you stumble upon is designed to awaken you to yourself. But our matrix is well designed and all you see, is whatever wrong you thought was done to you, whatever unfair thing happened to you, or an all around what the hell is going on you’re just a victim here…, it doesn’t make any of your projections real.
The true teachers teach love. Love as a vibration, a frequency not a sugary feel good orgasmic experience. It is a living frequency, the all-encompassing creative thread holding everything together.
Redefine true love for yourself and you will find that it has been there the entire time. In the beauty of a sunrise, the smile of a baby, the laughter of children, the purr of your cat, the wag of your dog’s tail, the snow flake falling on your hand, the last-minute nudge to turn right rather than left, the frequency of love is everywhere. You exist in the frequency of love and it is always in communication with you.
When you are in a love relationship with someone and they need you to change in some specific way in order to continue the relationship, think hard on this moment. Love in it’s truest form is freedom. In love we are free to be who we are with the choice to change that at any given time based on new information, free will baby. Love in the form of control, (you must do this for me), makes sacrifice a requirement of love. In love there will be sacrifice but to force a sacrifice of character is to kill off self-identity. That is not love but control.
From Paul’s work, “But when someone else sacrifices their own identity or those things they require to make them feel true to themselves for the benefit of another, you are not supporting integrity in your relationship. Period.”
We are free! Be free. Word I am word.
I’m reading “The Book of Love and Creation”, start with “I am the Word” if you are not familiar with Paul Selig’s writings.

What expectations

What expectations

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One of the hardest things to admit is the gigantic amount of energy that is expended holding onto expectations. It’s a difficult day of adulting when you learn that your expectations for life may have been a dream and one found only in your head. Similar to the scene in “Little Miss Sunshine” when big brother in the throes of puberty, sees his dream of being a pilot vanish as he discovers he’s color blind.

Oh what mighty expectations do you hold.

    • ex·pec·ta·tion
      a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
      a belief that someone will or should achieve something.
      one’s prospects of inheritance.

     

And expectations have to do with belief, we believe something is going to happen or we will be saved or rescued, we have a ton of expectations. The worse kind are the expectations we carry in our heart about those we love and care about. We expect certain behavior. We expect that we can trust that person, or what this person is saying. Again expectation is a belief, but it doesn’t make it real, it just shows all of us that you hope it does.

Expectations have become an afterthought of “the secret movement”, or the law of positivity. Stay positive! See it happening!

What happens when it doesn’t? Is it now your fault for not reaching high enough? Is it your inability to expect correctly? Are you not doing it right? Do you need a refresher course in manifesting your destiny? Now for a limited time….$99.99 a refresher course on manifesting your destiny, hit the buy button…

The expectation on the planet is that there is answer to your specific issue. That there is a special staircase for your special rise to the top. There is a special person/teacher/pastor/partner waiting for your specialness and they will tell you what you need to do. You are most special , please continue to give, hit the button, and buy some good feelings, for a limited time only $19.95.

Our expectations are a problem. It is time to put responsibility back in our lap. We need to quit expecting anything. I know expecting seems correct, yet in the end expecting is you letting go of responsibility of whatever it is you are expecting. The highest spiritual teaching is the constant and consistent awareness of oneness with creator. There is no need to expect, constant oneness produces knowing, wisdom, and truth.

No one can make you happy or make you a success. No person on this planet has the permission to do for you what you must do for yourself. But, believe me, there is a gigantic population of would be helpers brimming with the promise to fulfill all of your expectations. And they take credit cards, cash, bitcoin and ultimately your blood.

Hand over your power to any human or group to fulfill your responsibilities and you can expect to be fulfilling someone else’s dream. You were created and placed here to figure out why. And please, quit expecting someone to tell you what your why is. No teacher or spiritual leader walking in truth will tell you because you have to know, you must have a knowing of yourself.

Dig deep, look within yourself, seek guidance but do it with open eyes or expect that guidance to lead you falsely.  Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened, ask and ye shall receive, all actions statements.

Stop expecting anything and begin knowing everything.