Today I pour gold into my heart


 

 

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Today, I pour gold into my heart

The broken pieces to fragile to carry on unaided

I need a binder to hold it I need to remold it

today I pour gold into my heart

the weakness of a broken self releases to much pain

life force flows from the cracks, the leaks to hard to maintain

today I pour gold into my heart

my eyes see the others also heart broken

their pieces crashing, bodies treated as tokens

today I pour gold into my heart

i feel the children whose parents don’t and won’t

I feel the people still children whose parents wouldn’t

so now they won’t

today I pour gold into my heart

an alchemical process to turn life around

to move my broken heart back into my crown

today I pour gold into my heart

the gold that I mine to pour within me

is found in the smiles of the broken around me

today I pour gold into my heart

as I open my chest to accept the gold flow

it moves it to center now strengthened by glow

to the world I will offer it, to the children I gift it

this light within me now formed from filled cracks

glows with a strength that has brought me back

the gold filled the cracks and my heart it does glow

look to me as your light house you’ll know where to go

because today i poured gold into my heart

That’s right I’m angry


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That’s right I am angry. Oh does that hurt your precious sensibility? Funny how in spiritual circles we are to shun anger. Don’t be angry! Don’t get mad, get glad! Well you know what, I’m angry and I am ready to feel this anger and then tend to it. I figure if Jesus got angry and then anger is sometimes appropriate.

I think anger is useful! Because, and here’s the kicker, most humans won’t do anything about anything, until they finally get mad as hell. Then and only then, will they put down their phones, turn off the televisions, get off their asses and take a stand or do something about it.

I’m angry because mostly I see people bitching and whining like 3 year olds and their “life’s not fair” sentence. Get it in your head, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. That was a humans idea, nope, a humans opinion of how the world should be. In nature the snake eats the eggs of the birds, is that shit fair. We kill off everything for some whim, any whim, is that shit fair. We slave humans for greed in every possible way, is that shit fair. There is nothing fair about this world, I mean come on, our president walks around with the nuke codes and uncontrolable power to use them, is that shit fair.

Does it change anything to say it’s not fair. Yes sirrrrreee I’m angry.

I expected people to be for people, nope they will be for you if they can have what you have, or take what you have….

I expected woman to rise, to stand up. Now they are and it’s because they have been forced underneath men and their perverted sexual/power needs. Very few men believe in equality, ask one, or better yet check their track record. Most men slave their women and their children, and their mothers, and……………………….. I said most,

I expected humanity to rail against violence to children, nope men like to violate children, in the workforce, cheap labor and in the bedroom for titillating disgusting fun. Man once thought babies couldn’t feel pain, REALLY

I expected Gun control, nope I guess we will pry their guns from their cold dead hands, after a gunman shoots them with it. The horror is our country will never allow gun control until, and I doubt even then, someone powerful loses their child. This country loves guns not people. Money not people. Fame not people. Power not people.

I seek a divide in those living in skin suits who are not human but subhuman. Sound judgie…

I seek a dismissal to all positions lorded over children, parents learn to parent be the expert and boss for your kids. A wounded, unloved, used up child, grows up into a force that has become the backbone of our world, you know Dog eat Dog.

I am tired of all the humans who sat down because life was hard, drugs easier, blame faster, unconsiouness more desirable. What is fu*king wrong with you people.

And for all the so-called spiritual teachers, the self proclaimed gurus, the God gave me this assignment asshole church leaders, (talking to you Scientology and many others) bilking their people out of their hard earned money so you can be rich and famous, talking to you spiritual masters who use people, so you can be rich and famous while waving your God flag watching those around you suffer.  How’s your new Range Rover?

For family members who judge their family, boo on you. Who made you a God.

For the humans who use words like I love you, you are my friend, I will be there for you, and don’t mean a word you say, ******************************** this sentence has been censored.

So there, there’s my bitch. I am angry. Tomorrow maybe not so much.

Be a decent human. Be a team player. Be there for your family and friends.

Be something, stop doing nothing!

What’s the reason for the season


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For me Christmas is for children to keep some semblance of hope in their hearts. A jolly Santa tends to their wishes. But the real reason for the season is the celebration of the return of light.

For the many Christians it is to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the way shower to the oncoming tide of love the teaching were meant to bring. They saw and celebrate a heavenly child but often forget the vast importance of his role. This great teacher changed the course of our understanding of the force of God. God was no longer a punishing God but a force of love offering relief to those bogged down in laws they would never find relief from.

Jesus was the physical holder of the great light emerging as the fulfillment of the law releasing us from this life of sin, claiming a life of light and love. This fulfillment changed his name from the human form of Jesus to the being of light or the Christ. The Christ like God is a force of light available to everyone, let me repeat that, EVERYONE. It is as the Christ taught within each of us waiting for our acknowledgment. Accepted, we too can be filled with this light that surpasses understanding. That means it comes to me, it comes to you, and is beyond our small minds just how encompassing it is.

Everyone will have access to this light, no one owns it or controls it or can name it. Beyond the name of Jesus the light endures because if humans can touch it, it will be put out.This light cannot be put out as the Christ taught us and physical death will show us.

The light is eternal.

Beyond the little minds of humans the great stories continue to do their work. The seasons are marked as story holders to jog our memories to the truth innate within us. Deep down we know, deeper still lies the truth that through the time of winter season and the darkness, we feel this light our eternal hope for a better world.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

My hope for the return of light is for the children. May we all be as children before this light, innocent, heart open, and filled with love.

May your holiday be blessed!

 

See them as children


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It doesn’t take long to get disappointed with humanity. Turn on the news, read a paper, horror, after a while there is for me a decided need to separate self from “them”. I am not like “them”.

I walk through the streets of Santa Monica and I see all manner of life and life forms, I see too much and I started looking away. I didn’t want “them” to see me and I didn’t want to see “them”. I am not “them”.

My own depression was making the separation worse I was looking through veiled eyes. My own pain and loss was coloring how I felt. As I looked out amongst others while walking I would find myself jealous of their joy, their love, their family, so I looked away from “them”. Or I would get superior feeling blessed around those less fortunate and try to help them, “them”.

I wasn’t seeing the truth around me at all. Did I think I was from another world,

I was talking to someone the other day, trying to share my woe’s and how I felt within 2 minutes, I doubt that long, they interrupted me with their own story and boom the conversation I needed was moved and the focus placed on them. Over and over it happened. I became aware of their need for me to listen to their story far outweighed my need to tell mine. They needed me to listen like a child needing reassurance or attention. It was happening all the time in a lot of conversations, it became about “them”.

As I look around at humanity I see thousands of people not paying attention to what’s going on or who they are talking to, or where they are going. People’s personal needs are so overwhelming that they are reaching out to everyone and anyone trying to get the attention they need, often by tripping into someone. Just like children. Some are getting attention in the most vile of ways. They have no need of attention they have lost hope.

So trying to readjust the lens I looked through and to correct my vision, I began to see everyone around me as a child. Big, small, old, young, I saw everyone as a child.

And then I could see that we are all children in different states of being and development, existing in a gigantic family of many diverse children. Most do not feel seen or heard by their families, society or a God who seems very far away.

Like children we need to slow ourselves down and really listen to what is being said to us. Like children we need to make sure we are present in the moment of any conversation or exchange so that we are on top of what is happening, not running into trouble because we are distracted. It takes no effort at all to say or hear the wrong thing. And like children we get our feelings hurt and lose trust.

Like children we also need to hear with clear ears. With neutrality and not a 3 year olds pent-up frustrated ego. Like with children we need to make sure our word is true, not misunderstood or misconstrued. Like children we need to really listen so children and others can be heard.

We need to say what needs to be said and hear what needs to be heard.

When we see out to the worlds children and the vast experiences of life and suffering we need to remember that the ones acting out in such horrific ways were once children whose hearts were turned and like children they don’t know how to forgive and forget, that what you give you get, and we are all in this together.

Take in a breath, its how we are connected in the physical world, we all need air to breath. Thats why its called the breath of life and why God is called the breath of life. We need God for our breath of life.

Reach out to those hurting around you and see them as children needing your care and love.

See “them” as children and they move from “them” to children of God. It’s a tough time in the world, be the spirit of love and healing, help and guidance, that is desperately needed.

See them as children and help them all. Reach out your hand to help.

the art of sacrifice


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I have been trying to understand the difficulties of my life in a different way, through a different lens. Frankly if I don’t do something my head is going to blow off. I’ve had enough. Every time I turn around lately something is going on that threatens to derail my peace, over and over again, my peace is invaded either with negative thoughts or images and all due to the horror in our world. So many people are suffering! But it seems to me there is no way to get through life with any sense of reality unless we understand suffering and sacrifice.

I’ve been hearing  for a while now and frankly I feel the same way about, how hard everything is right now. How hard life is, how hard it is to have a child, how hard it is to hold our families together. While no one said life would be easy and that having a child is a pathway filled with bliss I don’t think any one anticipates the many pitfalls along the path meant to trip our children up. I believe that having a child is the most difficult job there is and for most, the one they are least qualified for. It’s a forever job, a real sacrifice.

Many spiritual story’s speak of a being that comes, bringing wisdom, bearing a light into the ignorance of darkness and in the end has to sacrifice so that light may reign and the promise of prosperity rules. This same story can play out in our homes when our parents sacrifice so that the children may thrive. To have children is the highest blessing and draws to you a constant stream of sacrifice you must swim in.

In a contrived world of “let’s stay positive” and “everything is coming up roses” is the need of a reality check. Being positive is amazing but living with a veil over your eyes doesn’t help you or anyone around you. Having the strength to live a life of constant sacrifice is a high spiritual teaching and the only true road of growth and sometimes it’s not a positive place. There is no love without sacrifice and until you truly love someone you will not get this. Like many women know, we will lift cars off our children if we need too.

When we take children on we must fully understand the nature of the sacrifice.

When we choose a career over family we must understand the sacrifice. When we choose any one thing over another we must understand the sacrifice. It is where most people trip up. Unable to move, unable to choose, unwilling to fall, unwilling to fail, chaos has to move our antipathy. To change and move towards the best version of ourselves is to sacrifice what comforts we embraced and exchanged for our excellence. We either sacrifice for our wants and needs or we are sacrificed for someone else’s, that of course is your choice. But there is no love without sacrifice.

Do a mental check and find your self-imposed sacrifices. Make sure you are not putting your self on some cross of martyrdom, it’s your life be in charge of it. But let me say this about choosing to raise children or be a support staff for a handicapped individual, do your best job, know and understand the level of the sacrifice asked of you, be a grown up and do your job.

I know the level of dedication it takes to be a mother and a partner plus trying to be a complete “you” but there is such a small amount of time that is given to make a lasting positive affect on someone who needs and counts on you. Learn that true sacrifice is seen by the unseen world as you doing the work of Creator, loving without limits and desires for reward. Did you thank God for that last breath, how about that one? God’s love is a constant sacrifice given to us.

Be a student of God’s love. Practice loving everything. Love without limits and sacrifice your ego to the altar of your family. Be who they need you to be. Ask yourself is someone suffering in your family? If so sacrifice some time and offer it to them with a great big smile.

When you sacrifice in love of your family you will be surrounded by a light that will protect you and lead you right where you need to go. And that’s awesome!

 

 

Let’s talk about empowerment, again and again


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So much of what I deal with in my work is empowering a person. I do not empower a person through talk I empower them to see and activate their own power through wisdom. What good does it do me for you to feel powerful in front of me if when you get to where you need your own power, it’s not there. My words aren’t your words. You can go to a doctor and/or a shrink and feel good when you leave. You can be prescribed pills to help you get over the hump but if your backbone is not strong and able to lift tall buildings, then no one is doing their job!

The work of empowerment is teaching everyone that the power of the universe is sitting inside of you, yes you! It has been a great trick across time to allow humans to believe that someone knew more, could do more, or had more power than they had. Think on some religions, as an example, you ask for forgiveness for your sins from a human, or you look to a more worthy human to speak to God on your behalf.

As if God’s not going to be speaking to you on that matter later today, which means though you may give your power away to what you think is a higher authority but God is going to give you back the responsibility for what you did and said, it’s all you baby! The consequences will be yours, even if the priest gave you a hundred thousand Hail Mary’s to say. It will and always will be between you and God, no one else!

To accept the idea of empowerment is to understand you are alive and in charge of your self and your wellbeing. We study spiritual truths to know the real truth. Our lives become success as we empower ourselves to get to work and live the life we were meant to live. Why does everyone want to be a robot?

Spiritual work is to point your head up to where the power comes from. To worship money, fame, power and that stuff is your head pointed to the ground worshiping the dark. The Earth is now the dark’s playground. There is no other way to put the fact we are killing everything in order to get to have more. We are torturing animals for food, children for slaves and women have become garage cans expected to hold and process garbage, not even allowed identities or rights as a human. What is going on?

Sorry people, but it gets harder and harder to keep my mouth shut when I see nothing but oppression and greed and those I seek to empower cower rather than roar. So I need your help. I need each of you who to have truth and righteousness in you. And those who know to look up rather than down for guidance who know that there is a higher power to start speaking up. This power is waiting for you to get up and get your backbone involved in your life.

Start empowering your self with truth. Then empower everyone around you. Please!

If you have one of those mouths that is sarcastic, bitter, and pulls people down because you think its funny, what don’t you move on to Mars, I think they are looking for people like you.

Here on Earth we need the empowered, those who seek to uplift, to get busy. Let every word be uplifting we have enough of the other.

We are all God’s children, figure it out people, can’t you tell God is getting a little upset…

More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason,  we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

On the road again!


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I am traveling for the next 2 weeks. I am taking my book and CD to Europe and I get to teach in Prague. I am in a state of gratitude as I see life at work. Right now I am sitting in my hotel room in Paris gazing out my window. I am looking at history while reviewing mine.

Mine has been a long game. I am not even sure I saw the half time show or which one of my stories would have been considered a half way through the bull shit story. But as a think on it my life has finally taken that turn away from the horror and on to the road of awesome. Don’t be fooled it took a lot of work.

Each of us has stories that propel us through life. It’s how it goes because face it, none of us would sign on for a difficult life even though we know there is no growth without pain. I would venture to guess that many of us would get in the “that is enough of this growing bullshit” line if we could find it. But life is about growth and the intelligent person figures it out as soon as possible. Let’s take my insomnia for instance.

I have had insomnia since I can remember, it runs in my family. It is the “you people think to much” part of the family dynamic…hmmm, anyway I can remember going to bed when the kids were small and wanting to blow the world apart because I couldn’t get to sleep.The slightest thing would wake me up and boy oh boy it better not have been you. I would lie there fuming, I had to get up the next morning, I had kids, a job, school. I would lament the loss of my sleep, over and over. Napping was not an option. There was no time for naps, it was just fatigue all the time. Now as I write this it seems it didn’t kill me, this horrifying how am I going to live without sleep thing. Apparently it was a pain in my ass but not life threatening, sorry kids! Fast forward 35 years and funny thing about being on a 24 hour clock is that it makes international travel a breeze. I’m up all the time.

God has blessed us with the ability to gain wisdom through every experience, even the seemingly ridiculous. We have to know and remember that we are always going through phases and they will pass as the next phase comes into play. Our children grow up and move on. We won’t be dragging their asses out of bed for long though it may seem like forever. Things will change. We will (hopefully)change. Things in our life will change(guaranteed) as well; jobs, partners and we may never have to be any where at any time ever again. One day the life you were living will be gone and the one dreamed of will be yours. Unless you were dreaming a nightmare and then well, your life will be a nightmare. Keep your eye on the ball. The best reason to do spiritual work.

Time is an interesting mistress that most people refuse to tend to properly. If you get the long game; raising children, higher education, aiding someone through illness or learning, or just being trapped in a difficult situation, you will understand that some things in life take time to acquire and/or fix. Learning Divine Spiritual Wisdom, the Laws of Nature, understanding what is affecting us goes a long way in helping us to master life not to mention get out of hard situations. We don’t get to have knowledge because we want it, it must be acquired just like experience. But once we have it is ours!!!

Be less hard on yourself, you have no idea what is coming around the corner. You also have no idea that what you are learning to handle and negotiate through your now daunting horrifying experiences is what will change the outcome of your long game. I have wanted to travel and teach since I knew it was a thing. I love to travel and I love to teach people how to see and deal with their lives differently. But during the years when my insomnia was kicking my ass I couldn’t see past the glaring clock in my room. It was simply a training ground for later not a torture set up to piss me off, again sorry kids, and maybe an ex-husband or 2. Hahahahahaha!IMG_1697

It’s true if you let it be true, time can heal all wounds!

Here’s to the women


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This is for all the strong women out there who are sick and tired of having to explain themselves or endlessly apologize just for being who they are, and doing what they do.

Here’s to all the women who are tired of being weighed and measured and found to lacking in your eyes, stop looking at us.

Here’s to all the women who are sick and tired of being pulled down by other women. If you cannot see the worth in knowing and championing strong women, step back before we mow you over.

Here’s to all the women who are sick and tired of being pulled down by the men around them. Hey you, if cannot see the worth in championing strong women, step back because we are going to mow over you.

Here’s to all the women out there that stand against the belief  that because someone is born to you, it somehow gives you the right to harass, belittle, hurt, pillage, any manner of ugliness towards your child, it does not, nor does it give the right to ANYONE in your family

you will be held accountable!

Here’s to all the mothers out there who stand next to their children making the hard choices, unpopular choices, to keep their kids on the right path and lead the way when they get lost.

Here’s to all the sisters who sister women who do not have sisters.

Here’s to all the mothers who mother people without mothers.

Here’s to all the mothers who mother other people’s children, you know the ones with mothers who won’t mother.

Here’s to all the grandmothers who are still mothering and often someone else’s children.

Here’s to all the women married to a partner they stand completely behind, they are invisible like the roots of a mighty tree, holding it up without anyone seeing the depth of their support.

Here’s to the women who have entire families standing on their backs.

Here’s to the women who silently pray for humanity. Thanks!

Here’s to all the women living in the world of men.

Here’s to all the women who live in the world of women.

Here’s to all the men who support women, May God shine brightly on your life!

Here’s to us all!

Through strength of will women can change the world, believe it!

Pointing the finger


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I remember hearing this for the first time and it was a profound learning on how pointless being a victim is, (pun intended). Like I was saying the entire notion changed my world view. As a women I had grown up having been taught that at some point, when I accomplished some goal, or reached some unknown point, a knight in shining armor would show up swooping in to take care of me. Frankly I had been waiting all of my life for this false notion to manifest itself until it did…in the form of this wisdom, point a finger at someone and 3 fingers are pointing back at you. I could spend the rest of my life thinking that I was owed something or I could take responsibility for myself and realize that as I worked towards releasing my own gifts I would learn to finally take of myself.

It seems self-evident to say we are walking through the present moment and it is brought to us by our past thinking actions and words. In other words if your life is a mess, shift through your memories and try to catch the originating thought, you know the one that made you the boss, the one in charge, the know it all. The one who didn’t want to take responsibility but was hiding behind antiquated beliefs. Being a victim is an outdated thought we all need to give a rest. As far as I am concerned, the only victims are children and the truly naive. Every other form of victim thinking is allowing weakness to stand in your stead and what kind of creator created a creation that would have to hang its head in an oh woe is me fashion.

Being a victim can be a hidden thought within your own self especially if you have really forceful thinking in certain areas, for example we all think we know what is right in a world where we can name right from wrong. Problem is that every one of us is living life and looking through eyes that are feeling and seeing through many veils of conditioned thinking, “Look what that person is doing, of course, I am the victim” Like my thought that someone “out there” was supposed to take care of me, it took me living in the woods without running water and indoor plumbing to get that if I could take responsibility myself my circumstances would change. And change they did and you can read about it in my book(Shameless plug, Living Words: A Wisdom Yoga Journey Towards Health will be available for purchase in January, yay!) When we take responsibility for our lives miracles can happen.

So as we walk towards the holiday season a time when many people’s less than button can be pushed, holiday party’s…, I don’t have a dress, Will what’s his name get drunk? Family…, who’s going to say the wrong thing? All of us eating too much, drinking too much, talking too much, and then blaming the holidays…or your partner, or your children, or the government, or God… Take responsibility and stop being a victim, maybe a few people around you will do the same, either way, take responsibility! The Devil did not make you do it!

Take charge of your emotional health and do whatever it takes to remain neutral and a calm presence for your friends and family. Know that as you turn your frown upside down especially, while in the company of those you would rather strangle, you are turning the vibrational tide of your life. Even when all the evidence supports your victim theory then let it be the lesson that turns everything around. Start being the person who opens their hand in help rather than the one pointing the finger of blame.

I advocate being the master of your life and domain not being a victim of circumstances. Learn to turn your attention to the laws that run our universe and move with the flow. Your victim days will be far behind you as the river of life moves you towards a more successful experience. A victim wins by becoming a victor