More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason,  we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

fit in, don’t speak, watch what you say, or…


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A marina in Zurich or a boat parking lot. All we see are different boats near each other, no one boat stands out. All of them are various examples of the word boat. I feel the same about car parking lots, a bunch of cars together no one car stands out. Just like a crowd of people, bunches of people hanging around each other, no one person stands out.

Different are the fancy. The fancy boats are hanging with the other fancy boats, and the fancy cars are valet-ed away from everybody else’s not so fancy car. Same as all the Vip lounges across the world over, the special fancy people do not like to mingle with the not so special fancy people. The mingling of the people leads to the mind field of Facebook commentators, a sea of opinionated people hiding among everyone. They like to mingle online everywhere with everyone, just sitting on their computer with their spoon of terror ready to stir the pot.

Those who hide behind the skirts of everyone’s computer screen are stalking us all. Punishing someone for spelling wrong, not getting the joke, wearing the wrong clothes, weighing too much or not enough, they sit in judgement of everything we do or say. They make fun of this group, they expose that group, nothing is sacred, nothing is off-limits. If they need a picture they will steal one, if they need a different identity they take one. The world of the internet is their oyster and we are the pried open shells.

There are those who still believe that change occurs because we want it to or it should because its right, just don’t understand the laws put in place to run the universe. Fairness is not part of the laws. Every cause begets a result, as above so below, everything is vibrating, it all about the laws. When we work with the laws things work when we work outside of the laws we are getting our asses kicked and we may not even know why.

They say there is safety in numbers but that’s only if you want to be a sheep or part of any herd. Not me baby, lone wolf. I will get my opinions from my intelligence and not because joe blow said so.

We must put our conscious mind to work but that can only happen when we think for ourselves and not turn into robots spouting someone else’s word. We must use the sword of our tongue in a righteous way or that same forked tongue sword is coming after us. The world is a mind field of the ignorant and you will learn to either to keep your head down so as not to be noticed or you will become a leader. Powerful in your thought word and deed.

Funny how after all this time, all the advantage that the internet has offered people still struggle with what is the truth. You can only find the truth through your heart. You can read words you can hear words but only your heart will tell you if those words are truth. Divinity is simplicity, it’s either the truth or it is not.

The need to dominate is a real threat to humanity unless you engage your own inner master and access the strength lying dormant within most of us. Jesus wasn’t called a shepherd for no reason, humanity has constantly needed the guidance of a shepherd. But with so many sheep a few more shepherds are in order but more importantly I think is the wisdom of the world teacher who said, “these things and more will you do in the name of the father who sent me…” I think he meant humanity would one day remember that God made us in the image of the creator not so we could be victims of life but victors, co-creators of our own reality.

That’s a powerful statement

the power and woes of being a parent


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I agree. I remember when I found out I was pregnant the first time. Still a teenager I had decided to keep my baby and do what I felt was the right thing. Fast forward 34 years and I am still struggling with this boy as he struggles with the disability of his bipolar condition he lets over take him when the darkness gets ever so dark. I may not have been prepared to be a mom, and frankly who is, but what I found out and not through my own family is that having a child is very much an extension of self. What he is I am and I lead him so he may know which way to go and most certainly which way not to go. The eternal hope of the parent. If I don’t do it, who will?

Problem with parenting is that there can be a number of others who begin to contribute to the wellbeing of your child, other parents, teachers, peers, and mentors. SO a strong parent voice is the best defense to others who would speak before they think or those who speak from the head rather than the heart. SO many of our children are hurt in their heart by words spoken to them by a person who was to love them unconditionally. It happens and next shall be apologizes, words not often spoken from a parent to a child, I am sorry! We teach them we as parents are not perfect, just striving to be our best, so they will know the same, we don’t expect perfection just the best they can be. Wisdom people, they need wisdom!

Having children will be hands down the hardest thing I have done and will frankly be the only job I stand before God beaming with pride as I say I did my best God. I made my children’s well-being my guiding light. I will hope to do this for my grandchildren as well. Let’s do this for all of the children. Smile at the children you see so they will know they are seen. Listen to the children so they know they will be heard and love the children well so that love may grow in their hearts making them loving children of God!

The price of independence

The price of independence

This is a picture of my lawn mower. This is a picture of my lawn mower not moving an inch because I couldn’t get it started. This is a picture of where my lawn mower will now sit until my son comes and starts it. This is a moment when I see ever more clearly the price of my independence.

I have been married most of my adult life having started at 20, finishing up around 48. I live alone now which is fine but it is a constant struggle. I hate that. I see more and more my mothers horror of having to spend long days dealing with an illness alone in her house. It is hard being sick and alone. I think of all the years my Grandmother lived alone. Really alone. I can’t believe I left my Grandma alone. She lived in a city none of us did and my brother and I lived many states away. Now as I age living alone in my house, I feel her reality come into view. From the difficulties of getting groceries to the house from the car with 3 feet of snow in front of the garage door, to lawns that need mowers to start, damn it! Sometimes it’s just simply needing a light bulb changed, or help unscrewing a screw left unscrewed, way to long. It sucks to live alone.

This isn’t a I need a husband, a wife would do, a strong do it your self-er, the point is, we all need another body to help us out from time to time and sometimes its no more than holding your hair back when you’re puking your guts out, or being soothed when you come screaming awake from a bad dream. We need others in our lives who can bring us soup we can’t get out of bed and encourage us when we won’t. Why do we make ourselves or our loved ones live alone?

I think more and more of what controlled agriculture has done to us. As our food supply stabilized and we could buy what we want rather than toil for what we need, we somehow lost sight of what was important and became more excited about having fun. No more worry for the future and a passivity moved into us that kept us from eyeing the future. Televisions became babysitters and microwaves cooked dinner. Family members began hanging with peers and the ease of our lives made chillin an option for our young. We have strayed far away from the idea of family and community. Today more and more money is king. So nursing homes take care of our dying folks, who wants that stupid job anyway…and friends are better family members than family members.

And now I find myself living alone, mightily aware of how hard it would be if I didn’t have my son nearby to start my mower when it won’t, and my daughter close enough to take me to the hospital when my migraines super nova. They do these things for me gladly again that’s not the point, these needs puts me at someone’s mercy. I don’t like it at all but it’s a reality and as a family if I continue to live alone I know we will handle it, I am blessed in this way. But I feel for those who aren’t or weren’t, like my Grandma.

If we had decided to stay in tribes and working communities this wouldn’t be an issue. Cultural models of how to deal with the young, aging and sick would already be in place and not a multi-billion dollar industry worried for its bottom line rather than the care of those we have entrusted to them or sometimes left for them to deal with. We are making mistakes and missing opportunities for our growth as humans. We are losing the idea that we are in fact our mother fathers, brother sisters keeper. Think on anyone older you know who lives alone without family nearby and wonder how they get their lawn done, the car out of the garage with a flat, make it to appointments when horribly ill, or groceries to the house, and broken things fixed. Of course money makes everything easier and sometimes friends but is it awesome to have to constantly rely on strangers to do tasks you did for yourself when younger or tended to for others when older. Who tends to us now and why does it cost so damn much?

It’s hard to look in the yard and see that stupid mower sitting there, dead. The guys who delivered my new chair drove up as I was trying to start it and then walked right passed it, ugg! I am in hopes something comes to me before I get completely unable to do for myself. Of course this is why I stay on top of my physical yoga routine to support my body and meditation for my mind but, sickness comes, headaches stay and accidents happen. And right now I just wanted to mow my grass but can’t. Plus I have furniture in the basement I can’t move by myself, boxes to mail I have to carry to the car and then to the store, small things like that. But enough…therefore by the grace of God go I, at least my kids are still around to help.

It’s a high price to have my independence.