Today is a D day


Today is a D day,

the worst of all the kinds of days.

D days are death days,

when loved ones show us they won’t stay.

A true d day is a surprise D

the kind you didn’t see coming,

because this loved one ducked us and left us

and they affectively fucked us.

Because they weren’t supposed to die.

D days, true d days, separate the bigs from the smalls.

Because you either take it & accept it,

or their death beats us all.

D days aren’t a joke day

they are a horrifying ghost day

a blast from the past you wish blew up like a smoke day.

D days are personal and mostly likely not talked about

but if a human around you experiences a d day

be ok when they bow out.

Heart pain can kill us like this D day tries to show us

So strengthen the heart that has blown apart

And remember the d days with love,

so their heart may restart.

 

For N

 

 

 

 

 

Almost done


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How do you write about those times in your life that push you so hard that you can hear your back breaking under the pressure. I for one get extremely tired of it. But it completely speaks to what this last 2 years have been for me and I am almost done. Done with the bull shit, done with falseness, done with fake spirituality, done with lies, done with manipulators, done, done and done.

What is with women who will beat an idea, hope or dream to death? “It will work, he will change, she will do what she said, they will keep their promises”, done, done and done. No they won’t, nor will he/she/they ever.

A human reveals their truth easily but often through rose colored glasses we refuse to see, or acknowledge what we instinctively know, and then we will walk right into a glass door all the while pretending this isn’t who they revealed themselves to be.

I’ve been teaching about self responsibility as long as I can remember and here I stand having denied my own truth. I gave away my power and lessons learned are having to be relearned. Thank God for our brains! Through my own volition I can make mistakes and correct them as often as I need to, that’s life. That’s why we are on a practice planet working at being human. But it doesn’t change that I am done dealing with this.

We are at a collective time of hardship on our planet, end times and all of that. We must have our eyes open and our hearts and minds engaged and their-in lies the problem. When life gets tough we close our eyes and ears singing lalalalalala I can’t hear you, so its not real. We spend time fooling ourselves until it is written on our face or reveled in our sickness and/or broken relationships.

Look up, Listen up, for the truth is there to see and is being sung for us all to hear.

This is not an easy ride; people are hurting, people are dying, hearts are being broken and lives are being changed forever. I am almost done.

After the death of my grandson my life was never going to be the same again because I would never be able to think on my pathetic weakness without remembering the horror my daughter had to endure. I allowed weakness to overtake me and hide the truth that was in front of my face. I had made a tactical error and trusted the untrustworthy. I had to face the lies I was telling myself. I leaned on myself rather than turning to God, the higher power that has always lead me.

My mistake, and I am done.

 

Birthdays


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I celebrated my birthday yesterday. Funny how people are about birthdays, for me, they have been just another day for years. That started in grade school because my birthday was right at the beginning of school. I always received school clothes for birthday presents, big surprise. It was an untimely birthday. But, all of that’s behind me now and still I wasn’t into celebrating my birthday.

Until yesterday that is. Yesterday I celebrated my birthday. Because recently my life has been hit with tragedy and loss, I needed to celebrate life. I lost my Dad, my baby grandson, and my eldest went back to jail. It was a hard patch and so close to my birthday. It felt strange but I felt I wanted to celebrate my birthday this year.

We need to celebrate life in whatever way we can because we never know when it’s the last time we will be with someone, or how far away from us our loved ones can go. Celebrating our birthdays gives us a marker to our lives and reminds that life is a gift. We have no idea what’s in store for any of us at any given time. Celebrating even through hard times helps to keep perspective about what’s important. Life is important.

Life is hard but it’s really not worth living without each other. Without celebration we will not mark our days and soon the days even out to a grey, then we live in a world devoid of passion. Celebrating our lives is working with the creative energy of God. It is being grateful and a birthday is something to be grateful for.

Every day that we reset our clock, to work on resonating with the highest vibration in meditation, it allows us the highest experiences and moves us towards our highest good. Celebrating birthdays, or any event allows the universe to deepen its work with us. We celebrate in recognition of the life we have been given and the blessings instilled in the lessons learned, paying it forward in our every thought, word and deed.

We celebrate to bring new life and new experiences to us. Life is a journey not a destination so we need to enjoy the ride even when it gets rough. Rough patches are the high sign, growth is ahead, and after celebrating the victory we get to celebrate peace.

Live your life, and celebrate its passages.

Dealing with days after death


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Time is the only thing that moves the sting of death. The further one is from the date of the tragedy the further the remembrance of the impact the tragedy produced. We as humans are asked to go through many challenging events, death is but one of them.

We are often tested by virtue of circumstances like war separating the men from the boys and girls from the women. Other times its something that happen’s hitting us close to home. A death or great tragedy in a family brings out the survivor, the victim, the teacher, and the follower. It will bring out the worst in us or the best in us but most of us need the tragedy to turn on the hero or see the tyrant within us. Tragedies are meant to stir this teaching that we are greater than the small-mindedness of our beliefs and we have the chance to grow and change everyday and sometimes we will be pushed.

The days after a great loss or death are filled with the sorrow of those around us. We come together to share memories and stories and sometimes a shoulder to help bear hearing the story again under hushed whispers. These are important days and must be shared with reverence but the real work of loss is found in the days when others can return to a “normal” life and you cannot. They go back to a before and you are now stuck in the after.

The empty days after the tragedy are fraught with too much time for thinking and rethinking, finger-pointing and guilty flag waving. And some must be expected as our human emotions left unleashed do unleash the torrent of sadness and anger left behind but not played out. Why did you do that to us?, we are left to ask, no one…

Faith is tested and we need to help stand next to the wobbly, next to those God is testing the most. Do not so easily walk away from someone who has experienced a tragedy. They may be strong in your eyes but behind closed doors we are all human. We are meant to learn all the hard lessons God thrusts onto us whether we want to or not. It is through community a person can gather the strength of remembering what is forgotten in the darkness of disbelief and despair. Being a spiritual warrior is to be present when someone needs you, not when its convenient for you.

Be true to your sister or brother who has experienced a tragedy and be like a mighty oak unwavering in your support. Though we will never know the mind of a God who allows us to be penetrated by the greatest of tragedies we can have solace in knowing there is no love without sacrifice.

If our hearts are involved in the pain of the teaching, or the lesson we are surrounded in then you can guarantee God’s hand in it. There is no sacrifice without love, if it is happening to you it does prove God’s love. We, in our finite understanding of love will sacrifice for our loved ones so how much greater is the sacrifice made by the creator of the universe for us. The more you hold to the teaching that you cannot know God at all if you do not see God in all makes every experience part of the all of God. Everything comes from the all. Everything seeks to return to the all.

Some just chose to leave way to soon…

 

More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason,  we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

Death to life


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My Dad died recently and like all children who lose a parent there is no telling how it will hit you and/or how you will feel. I have a very strong spiritual belief in an afterlife, and a continuation of life. This gives me great relief for as each family member and/or friend leaves the material world I know they are with God. I know they are with me. I know they are safe. I know they are ok. The hard stuff is us left behinds, we must keep moving even when moving is the last thing we want to do.

My Dad died fast like my mother, they willed themselves to the other side, meaning though death was an inevitability for their conditions, there was no real reason for such speed. Their deaths were a testament to the control we have over a very important event and over our vessel. But I get ahead of myself. The speed of his passing meant there were very few spoken words of what was being left behind, and left unsaid.

This is the hard part of death the finality of ease of conversation, and for any exchange. As spiritual students we recognize the higher our resonating vibration the more we are aware of those spirits and souls moving through our physical world. The more we can feel them around us. They are helping and assisting us in our daily struggles and in those most intimate moments when fear sets in. They produce feeling in us until such a day we can more clearly hear the soft still voice. Our loved ones are with us, believe it.

Our loved ones once free of the physical do try and reach out if we ourselves are receptive. It doesn’t mean you are leaving your beliefs behind its you realizing there is a much bigger picture at play and death is the door to the rest of the story. We are not here on Earth for a last curtain call, it is a reoccurring role you play and those loved ones around you are assisting in your life story as you are assisting in theirs. Life is a journey, a game, a crap shoot, luck of the draw, a game of strategy, it is anything we make it. But its up to us to live it, not to get caught up forgetting what is inevitable.

If you are busy chasing titles, labels, accolades, money, fame, love, companionship, worthiness, then you are a person before a death has hit you. Because once death comes close to you, you will realize that the only thing that carries any meaning at all are the relationships you have been a part of. The way you treated people, your people, and other people. The way you took care of your brother or sister or any human challenged by life.

There is a loneliness in chasing that which is invisible in the next world. Your tittles and riches will be meaningless after death only your heart light will speak of who you were. You really can’t take it with you but you can leave a mark on a heart, make it a good one. The light of all the hearts you have touched will be the light that guides you home.

See you on the other side Dad!

Orb hunting

Orb hunting

Lately I have been loving that Ghost Hunter show on TV. I try to watch all the different ghost hunting shows just to see how they investigate the buildings and homes. They always try to find evidence of something otherworldly like, orbs, disembodied voices, things moving, doors opening and closing, stuff like that. For the most part you can tell the shows are edited for television but the idea that maybe you could capture an image on your home camera  began to intrigue me.

One day I was sitting on my couch after sunset and thought to get my iphone out and take some pictures. There they were, orbs. I did the whole wipe the lens off thing, took the picture again and there they were, more orbs. I just sat on the couch moving the camera around shooting pictures. I was looking at orbs of different size and brightness, like the ones in the above photo. Way cool!IMG_1661This picture happened when I was showing my grandson how I took the first orb photos and we saw this smaller one go by just as the picture was taken. To show him I had the room dark and the flash set. Then I would hit the take a picture button and we would watch the flash come on and take the picture. Sometimes we would see the orb before the aperture closed and sometimes we wouldn’t see it until we looked at the picture. We had a blast pressing the button and waiting to see what would appear.

I can tell you those orbs were not visible in the room and they were not in every picture. They would come in for a bit and take off. I loved it. It was a great visual reminder of what we learn in Divine Spiritual Wisdom that we are not alone. In the spiritual tradition we learn we see only 10% of what is available to see. That leaves 90% of other cool things to hope to see, like the spirit of my Grandma keeping watch over my family.

When we become open to a greater experience of life then cool things can happen to remind us of just how big the experience of life can be. When my grandson asked me if it was scary I told him it was God’s way of showing us those who have passed over are still checking in making sure we are ok. So I picked one orb to be my grandma and he picked one orb to be his grandpa. We figured the small fast-moving orb was the spirit of his future niece or nephew coming in to say hi.

He liked that.