More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason,  we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

Expectations can hurt you!


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Chances are the first time you dealt with disappointment was when a gift you thought you were going to receive turned out to be something else. You wanted a specific pair of shoes, video game, purse, but you ended up getting something similar or completely different from what you wanted. It was a good gift it just wasn’t what you had hoped. The packaging could have been similar in nature to what you were hoping, making the unveiling that much more painful of a disappointment.

Sometimes we suffer disappointment when the thing we want is just out of our grasp, or it belongs to someone else. This kind of heart pain can be difficult to bear. This level of disappointment makes you want to shut off your heart so you never have to feel that pain again, ever. Problem is the disappointment stems from our expectation of something that didn’t exist in reality, it was all in our heads. 

How many women tell the story of falling in love with a guy only to find out he’s married. They seemed shocked yet when you hear the story, the truth is revealed in the details of the story. He only saw her at certain times, he never answered his phone, he would only want to see her last minute and be hard pressed to make plans, or let her meet his family. Classic dodging techniques yet under the spell of the sweet words of a magician even today intelligent women and men fall for it time and time again.

Entangling our desires with expectations is a recipe for heartache. You can never truly know the mind of another until like God you have raised your vibration enough to literally walk in their shoes. If you expect someone to be who they say they are then you better know who they are. If the words out of somebody’s mouth are not in line with their actions then they are not being truthful, end of sentence. If you take somebody’s causal sentence as truth that is your mistake and not theirs. “I love you and I need you”, heard with hope and near desperation. I knew he needed me… is the kind of lie that keeps you single and alone. Facing the truth is the only way off this one way highway towards pain.

You can not expect anything from anyone. You can learn to trust people and you will manifest the evidence that supports your continued trust if a person is indeed, a person of their word. The minute you have to justify someone’s behavior towards you or anyone you know or don’t know, is the red flag that most people let wave in the air. They will see that red flag warning and walk right into the heart break as they are betrayed again, hit in the face of the flag of ‘I tried to warn you’.

Expect only from yourself. If you have ever been on a diet, or a savings plan you know how much negotiating goes on in your head. “If I eat that cookie I will take a long walk” You know if you really mean it or if once again you are lying to yourself. We have all felt the disappointment of letting ourselves down. Ordering the dessert knowing full well the calories can’t be walked off, they will need to be jogged off and for awhile…

There is tension found underneath disappointment. It is the knowledge that if we were really truthful with ourselves, we knew we were being lied to or that we were lying to ourselves, it doesn’t matter which it is. Disappointment is a lesson best learned fast. If you are feeling disappointed in life you need to look at your expectations.

From now on leave your expectations at the door and learn to accept what is. Look up and see where you are at on your life path. If you are not where you expected to be you better figure out where you are at. Once you do that you will begin to see life the way it is and then what needs to change will be revealed. All of these revelations and changes will help you change your life. But quit expecting things to change if you are unwilling to do anything to change them. We are living this one life, now, we need to make sure that the life we desire is the life we are living.

when in doubt look for the sun


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I have not felt well this last few days and there is nothing like feeling unwell to skew your world view when you let your emotions run like wild horses through your head and mind. I have like my last blog talks of been manipulated and mighty disappointed so God put me on my back so I could have nothing to do but think on these things. So I did. Then as I felt myself reacting to what is no doubt unfair treatment I read a statement speaking again of the power of faith versus the power of humanity.

When I slip from my true self and flounder in my ego is when negativity will pounce on me like a flea on a dog. Unnoticed at first and itches like hell soon after, the cause being unseen. Take a bath and the flea dies itch goes. Its the same with us when our emotions get the best of us, take a sun bath and the dark of negativity has to flee like the flea. Its an easy answer for what plagues us but its much easier to assign blame and strike out. Which as my iphone lost its mind yesterday and reset itself it was a good lesson in who is in control. Certainly not me, that phone did exactly what it wanted to even as I begged it not to. Same with family and friends.

Manipulation, disappointment, ego driven behavior is something we are all going t have to deal with and negativity is just an easy way to get nearly all of us to react. The master said to turn the other cheek when stomping their lights out might be a more satisfying thought. I’ll never let any one get the upper hand ever again, well, they will… So I feel a little better today and I realize that I did indeed take a huge personal attack and it did make me upset enough to allow weakness in and I became sick. Cause and effect people, the natural laws are in place for us to see the universe at work. Its the light of the sun that becomes the great equalizer. Positive thinking, positive actions led to positive results.

No one can bring us down if they can’t reach us. When are eyes are turned up to the sun the negative forces have to work that much harder. Let it run off of you like water on a ducks back, even fleas don’t really bother dogs they itch and move on. I am going to scratch my itch given to me by the negativity I let get a hold of me then I’m going for a walk in the sun and burn the rest of it out. While living in the north I remember that on a good sun day with below zero temps that sun would blast through my window sending its warmth right to me. So find the sun, drinking in its warmth and let it burn your negativity away. Light beats dark every time.

Disappointment is a bitter pill, don’t swallow it


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Awww disappointment! Receiving or experiencing disappointment is a tough thing for us humans. As soon as it happens it can become a cascading event of bad feelings whether the disappointment is coming from something that was done or left undone, it just doesn’t matter it becomes a doorway to negativity. One that must stay shut. Studying spirituality being religious any of the good feeling projects on the Earth move into a fog of forgetting when we experience disappointment. We become at once lost in our emotions of attachment and I am owed, I was used, I will never get what they get. All part of the game of life and learning what is actually important. Being, right? Being, being a being, not an emotional monster that can’t think straight or stay on the righteous path creating negativity and karma that has to be repaid.

Disappointment is part of life unfortunately, but its a great life lesson. When we expect people to be a certain way that is judgement. When we expect God to treat us a certain way, that is expectation, when we expect those around us not to hurt us, that is attachment. The feelings and actions of those around us is their karma and part of their life journey. Most of the time disappointment is about wanting what you want when you want it. News flash, not going to happen. The best we can do is stay in a place of neutrality understanding there is a bigger story going on than what we understand. You know what they say hindsight is 20/20. There is a reason for that. Life teaches that, that which we don’t understand is something to let go of and let God deal with. Like tragedies and horror on the planet, dear God take it away but for so many hard-headed humans terror and horror is the only language that can change them. God’s work is way passed our understanding.

What I do know and have learned is that when we walk in faith of a greater story, then we can be assured of a greater ending than what we see or are capable of seeing. Jesus spoke parable after parable on the unfairness of life from a human perspective. A wealthy man hires workers for his field and the last hired receive the same pay as the first, they scream unfair we worked longer and the landowner says we made an agreement. When we look around us and do comparisons of any kind is to put yourself in a dangerous position of thinking you know. One has to remember no one knows the mind of God. The universe is also always in a state of balance nothing goes unnoticed.

Disappointment is a false thing, a mind trap meant to keep us in the dark of emotional turmoil when the answer is simply be glad for all that good things that happen to those around you. Be glad that you see God at work. Be happy and uplifting, for those without Divine spiritual awareness see little outside of their eyes than that which benefits them. When we accept with grace everything that is happening to us in our lives, taking steps when necessary to correct that which is wrong towards that which is right, disappointment becomes a great teacher. Do not be a judge unless you are yourself without sin. When the master spoke of how hard it was for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, he was speaking of our inability to be grateful for what we have and who gave it to us because when we are not believe me that which is in charge will know it and balance will be restored.

When disappointment comes, breath in, let it wash over you like a wave and then release it. You know the saying let go and let God! Soon disappointment will leave and your blessings will reappear. Spend a day blessing everyone and watch how it changes your perspective, you know your blessed, that’s air your breathing right? You are alive, that is a blessing!