More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason, ¬†we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

Power of a woman


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Eventually women will realize that we need to stand united and not divided. The days of walking over the heads of other women to get something you deem worthy, are over! The days of bullying other women is OVER! We will only succeed standing together. I am tired of power plays, negative back biting bullying behavior. I am ready for a world of caring humans.

My daughter gave birth on Monday to her second child and the birth was nearly as traumatic as the first. Most of the trauma turned to drama because no one wanted to stand up, take responsibility, or even just make a decision. I am talking hospital staff here, you know the ones getting paid to care. WHAT! And then my spiritual community chimed in with their drama, REALLY! I am trying to do a job here!

We as women have been waiting for the day men return to the head of the table and support us on our journey of returning to our own power. But we have been waiting longer for women to return to power. Learning to speak up for ourselves and our families and giving voice to our children is our charge. It is a difficult and hard world, if we are not together who do you think will suffer? Who is suffering? Why are women going after each other? What is the only possible outcome for that kind of behavior? Look around.

The world suffers when women are not doing their job. We need to be vocal about our needs, really really vocal about the needs of our children. But most importantly we need to quit thinking someone is trying to take from us or hurt us, we are all trying to get to the same place. And on the other hand there are those women who are fighting us on every front, stop already! If you still believe there is some kind of prize for coming in first place, figure it out, there will always be someone coming up behind you and they too, want what you have. We are best served finding where are gifts, and talents can be best used to further the development of humanity. Putting the needs of others in front of your own selfish desires. Power hungry humans need to check themselves.

I am upset today and sorely disappointed in a number of women. Women standing under the umbrella of caring, concern, spirituality, pretending to be something they are not. We can see you! We are looking at you now and soon you will be best served to start doing your job. This world isn’t clearing itself for no reason. Even the Earth mother is getting tired of it and frankly

CAN YOU BLAME HER!!!!!!!!

It is and always will be God’s will that has dominion over the earth, better believe it!

And boom there it is!