More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason,  we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

Let’s talk about the word God for a minute…


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The light in this church is a great representation of God. The light itself falls over everything and anyone. It does not choose based on race, gender or how much money you have, the light shines.

We are all very confused over the idea of God, or whatever you want to call the higher power that is running the universe.

As you know I am traveling and the one thing I have begun to ask people, is there take on God or religion. Frankly it is amazing how many people simply do not believe in a God, or a higher power of any kind. We are simply on a spinning planet having risen out of the muck, waiting to see what’s going to happen next. Wow!

I am often told to watch how I use the word God and in many of the places I teach they moved to the words, universe, light, creator(same to me), architect of the universe, just so we don’t say the word God because I guess some of you don’t want to hear it. Well let me tell you how I see it and then you can decide if there is a need to get so up in arms, over a word.

I was raised in a born again environment, harsh beliefs, believe it or you went to hell kind of thing, didn’t make sense then, doesn’t make sense now. Really this powerful God has a temper, and is judgmental to non-believers and anyone who would think to die before being saved. Oh and that entire God’s chosen people thing… SO we have all been put here but only some of us are God’s chosen, please people, it doesn’t make sense!

I learned that God can be defined in 3 aspects, G-generating, O-organizing, D- destroying, God was not a person after all, thank you God. God is a force, a verb, not a noun. God is not and has never been your ‘father’ but God is your creator, different story…

When we look at God as a force then we understand that learning and working with the Divine Spiritual Wisdom that explains the laws of the universe, its working, and how we are influenced by everything around us, makes so much sense. It is a force, a moveable force, that is directing us, moving through us, and it is more than the mass that makes up our physical body it is also that which makes us, us. We are also a force living inside a physical vessel. We are animated bodies, not just vessels, we have the capacity for thought, consciousness, God in action all of that outside of our bodies.

The G-O-D words or the principle behind the word God allows us the knowing that we cannot understand the force called God. We will not ever understand the need to destroy in order to recreate, none of us wants to see death at the hands of evil or death by natural disaster it is too hard for us, yet it is part of the GOD force. We all know the new can only come at the destruction of what was.

When we understand that God is a force then we can learn to work with the force, it can be a feel good thing, and we can feel this great force around us, you know the chills you get sometimes when your lover is near, or the sudden awareness that something is up, that is the force of God working with you.

The cool thing is, the force of God is completely unconditional and available for everyone, headscarf, bald head, on your knees,  or silently praying every minute, or ignoring it altogether. This force is available and frankly effecting us all. The wind on your face, the sun in the sky, the pull of the moon, the repeating cycles of nature, are all sure signs of an organized universe given to us, for our comfort and growth. Not just yours, everyone’s.

Its time to get away from the label thing or even the trying to name things beyond our comprehension thing, some things we will never understand, ask the quantum physics guys, some things are just miraculous, ask doctors, nurses and every mother who has ever given birth. But to think we humans are it, when the GOD force is defined as infinite, then we as finite creatures will always have a hard time understanding it. But when we open ourselves to our own infinite nature, given to us by the animating force of the universe, you know G-generating, O-orginizing, D-destroying God, then we will one day all be on the same page of the book of life, knowing without a doubt that we are the GOD force’s children after all.