ThanksGiveIng


thanks to the world of sorrow, and thanks to the world of pain

we have found ourselves once again blessed, to live as we are ordained.

dropped on our knees, are heads held low, just how far down will we go?

then we stop and look around, every head is on the ground.

What has happened, why oh why?

Wait! What is that light high in the sky?

all eyes look up and with a thunderous roar,

the sun spoke these words, so we would worry no more

“this earth has been spinning a really long time,

your creator and I have this, your fear and worry are out of line.

When filled doubt and fear has you down

look to the sun because here comes your shakedown

you have what you need and you need of no thing

because the light of the sun is your wellspring.

So get up, shake off, God has this thang. (bet you didn’t know the sun used slang.)

Happy Thanks Give I ng—

 

 

 

 

An ode to guilt


images.png

Guilt

Oh how we hold our head up so high

pretending to reach a God in the sky

but we worship our pain

and we wallow in dread

aww the sound of guilt became our god in its stead

we think ourselves capable of making this choice

as if we created this guilt ridden voice

sad is the human with so much to bear

the guilt and the pain always ever there

the ego inside us a seed once planted

became the voice of reason even though slanted

why do we listen to such a negative Nancy

or wear the clothes of the ego we think so fancy

what if what is taught is marvelously wrong

and we are allowed to sing a different song

does God truly wish for us to suffer

or are we using guilt as a giant buffer

the ego we lift and hold with such fervor

is the enemy at the gate you should send further

away from the door and our precious heart

turn away from your guilt and make a fresh start

listen instead to the spirits around you

they are speaking in words not to confound you

it is God’s greatest gift to lift up your life

to heal your heart from all of its strife

the sound of guilt suddenly missing

allows the gift of love to keep on giving

a new voice that sounds so loud in your head

Why ever did we listen to the guilt instead?

Here’s some perspective for you


images.jpg

I woke up in pain, nope, my body woke me up because it was experiencing horrifying pain. There was an ice pick in my head trying to kill me, or at least that is the image these headaches give me. I have a migraine condition that makes my body a prison cell one I can’t leave as anyone with intelligence would, when something as untenable as this MF pain comes to call.

I used to go to the hospital for them and beg for relief, now they just see me as a drug seeking middle-aged woman when I have the money to be a well-tended drug addict if I wished, street drugs are easy to find. But that’s not what I want. But what I don’t want is this pain that eats at me until the only thing I can think about is the knife in my kitchen that will fucking end my misery, yea that’s how bad it gets that. I would rather be dead than spend anther millisecond in a body that is such a bitch.

I have been betrayed, my heart-broken by would be friends and others who decided my money so very interesting and heart pain hurts like hell. It makes it hard to look at humans because lying is so easy to some, no really let’s be friends, no really I care about you, Fuck all of you! But heart pain can be dealt with by hardening the heart. Now there are gates in place, do not disturb signs, it won’t be so easy to break my heart again.

But this betrayal by my own flesh is something that gives me pause. I have had to step away from body countless times, and I watch her writhing in pain, is this life… As the reason to keep going dwindles in a life that has stopped like sailboat with no wind, a headache gives me the continued thought of why go on.

I know I’m not the only one experiencing this level of pain, I’ve had babies, back when they made us poor people push them out, drugs were for them, not me. I’ve had multiple surgeries, frozen shoulder twice, plantar fasciitis for nearly 3 years, both feet, believe me I know pain. I’ve done hospice work, I know other’s pain.  My mother died of bone cancer. But this head pain is swift and punishing in a way that moves my sense of right and what the fuck could be wrong with ending it myself. Everyone of my children have had to watch me at this level of pain, I HATE THAT, my eldest had to listen to me beg for the knife I knew was on his belt, that was a bad headache… is bad even a word for what this is

So here’s my perspective for you. I’m suffering in this lifetime for whatever reason, karmically, just bad DNA, my granny had migraines, big secret because of the drugs she probably begged for. If you do not have horrifying pain, or are watching someone suffer with debilitating pain, then get down on your knees and thank whatever God you believe in.

No need to worry Im writing so the pain has back up enough that the knife stays in the drawer, for today………..

Snowfall


There is a gentle snow falling

covering the tracks

of the world and its noise

sending ugliness back

it falls on my face

and right down my arms

it seems so clean

with its clever charms

everyone loves snow

the children to play

but the snow covers tracks

that should have stayed

are we fooled so easily

by bright white snow

to think what lies beneath

had somewhere else to go

like a mouse to a cat

go ahead take that step

one leg to the knee

the next to the neck

the snow’s not your friend

nor a white wash for pain

its a sign that unconsciousness

is most peoples game

We are starting again

We are starting again

th.jpg

There are many reasons to write a blog, one being so you can be seen and adored by fans for your wit and so-called wisdom. This is not that kind of blog, as a matter of fact, this will be the kind of blog that you will either desire to read or you will burn this connection, heretic witch…oh well I say.

This is a coming to Jesus minute.

Something I have found hard for the last 11 years of my life is the absence of wisdom, and a complete lack of desire for reality. I mean for myself. The fantasy of our world is a much easier lie to tell ourselves, helping us to sleep at night, keeping us asleep during the day. You may even think that you want change or for things to be different. You still think you have control over outcomes. You think you live in reality, the real world, where shit is real and you can be killed, eaten, taken advantage of. That you have real choice.

Oh did you think you were actually awake, and in reality. Who’s reality…

No baby this is a dream…

There is no advancement in life without this knowledge. Sorry, you who think you know truth.

You are asleep at the wheel of your life. You feel alive, I did too. It seems like we are living in a reality. I mean really don’t tell me that last 5 day migraine was a figment of my imagination, I wanted to die, slit my throat, bleed out, it was as real as the letters you are reading right now.

Are these letters real or does your mind tell you these dashes mean something? Who interprets your words for you, who or what gives them meaning? These are the big questions.

You remember the song, row row row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream.

We are living in a dream. Your mind as an advanced computer has given your eyes something to perceive and a world to find your way in and through. Apparently we have been tossed down here and now have to figure it out, in an eat or be eaten world.

Humanity will never move past the horror we are trapped in until someone, somewhere, comes out of the dream, kicking and screaming, trying to wake everyone up.

Guess what? I’ll be doing that. I have no idea of the name of the one who just through me out of my dream. The pain of that 5, 6 ,7 day headache drove me to an edge, no returning from that. Once you see differently you can never readjust your eyes to lies.

We are living in a lie, convinced of a material world that has no real backing, it’s an illusion, and believe me as I threw up my guts until my stomach threatened to follow I no more believed this is an illusion than you do right now. So convinced that your pain is real, your suffering is real, so was I.

Nope and wrong. Pain just happens to be one of the ways spirit talks to me, a human with a difficult past, seeminglyunloving uncaring parents and no real support in the real world. All of my power came from a belief that I had for myself. I had to get hard before they went at me again, I learned all tricks to side step, pain, any pain, emotional, physical, spiritual.

So when I fell in LA this last trip I already knew my head would respond. I get headaches like some people get indigestion or get pissed, a headache is always just a thought away, my head gives me buckets of pain.

Because I have believed I am the creator of myself. No one can help, no one cares frankly, and I’m living in a material world and I am a material girl. So many lies.

I am no more material than any of you are, your dream of reality is as powerful as mine was.

So I will lead a new charge. I am done swimming in a world of my own making. It sucks here. My body thinks it’s the boss of me and due to DNA weakness my body is a fu*king nightmare a lot of the time. So time to turn the channel and tune into a different version of reality.

In other words, I, during an experience of unimaginable pain, that I was not only forced to live through, but no amount of drugs would remove me from it. That suffering world be mine baby, all mine, and mine to fix, which I fu*king did, victory arms.

It is said that creator will give us know more than we can handle, or maybe its more important to say that the greater your intelligence, and willingness to change or see clearly, creator will assist in clearing the cob webs from your mind, the film in front of your eyes, and release you from the cage your heart is trapped in. Using any and all means available.

Stay with me, and I’ll explain it all, as it was and is revealed to me,

you know, heretic witch that I am.

 

 

Rough patch


th.jpg

Nothing like a rough patch to send you off your rocker and straight to the loony bin. Nothing like having your world derailed by somebody elses actions. And there is nothing like the feeling of sliding and falling, as you realize the rough patch you were afraid of is already underneath you and that feeling is your feet losing their hold. One rough patch of unbelievable size can bring a human to their knees. Time to put some knee pads on!

What we constantly forget as we move through life is, that its life. We have been so removed from reality that a human experiencing a rough patch looking at social media would assume that they are the only ones suffering. In fake-ville or the land of virtual reality everyone is; tan, healthy, on vacation, their children are well-behaved, they have the most loving partner, they got a big raise, new house, lost 20 pounds, blah blah blah.

Really people! Back in the day, we were told (I was told a least a billion times) what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. It was understood that life was hard and the only sure way to get through it was to live your life. Hiding won’t help, denying won’t help, blame won’t help, AT ALL. You have to do it, live, you have to live!

Staying stoned – not living , staying drunk – not living, staying in denial – not living, starving yourself – not living, staying mad- so not living, ignoring your dreams – not living, pretending you do not matter- not living.

We go through life one day at a time. You can sit inside your head or in fantasy, living a yesterday over and over again or plotting your tomorrows, it will not help you live today. Each day you get up is your opportunity, your chance. It may be today that the rough patch shows itself, it might be tomorrow, but believe me, there is another rough patch ahead, just around the corner, outside in your yard, inside your kids head,

Believe me, there is a rough patch ahead.

You are alive you can’t avoid them.

My world was tossed around AGAIN, and I wallowed, my misery was all-consuming. My world was trying to fall apart again, AGAIN. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I have had a very large portion of troubles in my life, rough patches would be an understatement. Just like you, I suspect. None of us are getting through this without a lot of pain, this is a growth spurt for humanity. Unfortunately, we will not grow unless we are forced to, so rough patches are designed to move you from pain, to smack you until your vision clears so you see what’s in front of you. One rough patch is not the big picture, the big picture includes rough patches.

So for 3 days I wallowed in the are you kidding me, again, I have to go through this again, again, like a broken record, again.

Wallowing feels good for a moment, oh woe is me, oh God leave me alone already, how am I going to get through this…………….

and on the 3rd day I rose, again.

It was just rough patch, which is not the big picture, nor the end of this story…

testing mother’s love


Unknown-1.jpeg

Just to be a part of the world right now is a mighty test to my mothering self.

I am a mother and grandmother, it is a job I stumbled into, many many moons ago. It is one I hold with pride, dignity, and it is and will be, hands down, the hardest job of my life. In every minute there is something happening to the kids or the grandkids, they are constantly testing my love. Asking for this, needing that, they are constantly testing my love.

Am I ok, not ok, Are you proud of me, Am I doing alright? We ask and ask because we want to know, Are we ok, Are we doing alright? They want to know. They are constantly testing my love.

Even in the dark days of horror and drugs and screaming and fighting I stood there, never moved, I am the mama, they were constantly testing my love.

In the sad days of loss and divorce and life will never be the same, I stood there never wavered, We are ok, we are doing alright! They were constantly testing my love.

When they were seperated from me by meanspirited behavior that sought to take me from my children, it was worse, they asked and asked, are we ok, are we doing alright? They were testing my love after I had been removed from them. I never wavered. I never moved. I was always right there. They needed to test my love.

So many years later and testing goes on, Are we ok, Are we doing alright? A mother’s job is never done and the testing of a mamas love unending, because I am an ocean. You can test me and push me, I am a force that can’t be moved easily, but I can easily move over you.

By pain or might I am a force that can’t be moved. I stand in the stead of the father who resides in the useen world, I see what they cannot. They are constantly testing my love because my love overflows for them and they can. They can test me and test me because…

It’s what I do to God, Are you there, am I ok, Am I doing alright?  I am constantly testing God’s love. As I am a mama containing infinite love I stand beside the one who has that same love for me, for as I am tested, I am testing and together we learn that we are protected, guided, and lead right where we need to be.

test my mothers love and I will wrap my big arms you and love you up, test me all you want, my love for you cannot be moved,

because the one I test has never let me down. I am held so I can hold you!