Rough patch


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Nothing like a rough patch to send you off your rocker and straight to the loony bin. Nothing like having your world derailed by somebody elses actions. And there is nothing like the feeling of sliding and falling, as you realize the rough patch you were afraid of is already underneath you and that feeling is your feet losing their hold. One rough patch of unbelievable size can bring a human to their knees. Time to put some knee pads on!

What we constantly forget as we move through life is, that its life. We have been so removed from reality that a human experiencing a rough patch looking at social media would assume that they are the only ones suffering. In fake-ville or the land of virtual reality everyone is; tan, healthy, on vacation, their children are well-behaved, they have the most loving partner, they got a big raise, new house, lost 20 pounds, blah blah blah.

Really people! Back in the day, we were told (I was told a least a billion times) what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. It was understood that life was hard and the only sure way to get through it was to live your life. Hiding won’t help, denying won’t help, blame won’t help, AT ALL. You have to do it, live, you have to live!

Staying stoned – not living , staying drunk – not living, staying in denial – not living, starving yourself – not living, staying mad- so not living, ignoring your dreams – not living, pretending you do not matter- not living.

We go through life one day at a time. You can sit inside your head or in fantasy, living a yesterday over and over again or plotting your tomorrows, it will not help you live today. Each day you get up is your opportunity, your chance. It may be today that the rough patch shows itself, it might be tomorrow, but believe me, there is another rough patch ahead, just around the corner, outside in your yard, inside your kids head,

Believe me, there is a rough patch ahead.

You are alive you can’t avoid them.

My world was tossed around AGAIN, and I wallowed, my misery was all-consuming. My world was trying to fall apart again, AGAIN. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I have had a very large portion of troubles in my life, rough patches would be an understatement. Just like you, I suspect. None of us are getting through this without a lot of pain, this is a growth spurt for humanity. Unfortunately, we will not grow unless we are forced to, so rough patches are designed to move you from pain, to smack you until your vision clears so you see what’s in front of you. One rough patch is not the big picture, the big picture includes rough patches.

So for 3 days I wallowed in the are you kidding me, again, I have to go through this again, again, like a broken record, again.

Wallowing feels good for a moment, oh woe is me, oh God leave me alone already, how am I going to get through this…………….

and on the 3rd day I rose, again.

It was just rough patch, which is not the big picture, nor the end of this story…

Difficult days


There is never going to be an early warning sign that big trouble is afoot. It will blindside you with its horror leaving you reeling with bruises all over your heart and soul. It is, I am sorry to say, a part of our growth and the forward push for a person on a spiritual path. To think that having God or spirit in your life will make life easier is like saying you can diet when there are no cookies in your house or people bringing them in. Life is not like that, we are to be challenged until we can withstand any and every horror coming our way. If we have not learned to live under pressure or learned how to stand up in life when everyone around us is sitting down, we have not done our job.

We are each charged with cultivating the strength we need to deal with the kind of pressure that exists in our world. Many people have stressful lives, I would venture to say most people have stressful lives, it’s how you handle it that counts. For me it has been the continual search for the ability to walk in faith. Holding onto the knowing that a higher power is at work and thank God for that. I can’t do it alone. I physically have to without family support I am alone, again a big why I have a spiritual path that allows me to have a spiritual community to lean on.

When I say I have God I mean I have a relationship with a higher power that through my work I have come to understand as a connection with a force moving through our world that is responding to me. My chanting practice allowed me to open that door, now I can experience what I believe to be the presence of God within me, my higher self, ok face it it’s a force or being more powerful that me and when I follow the directive of living in faith seeing with love even the horror of my life falls into perspective.

It is hard being human right now. I see horror everywhere. I want to fall on my knees and cry my eyes out for the pain and suffering that is getting ready to happen to people I love, people who have no idea that that was a plate glass they just walked into. In one minute your entire life can change forever and damage done that can’t be taken back.

We must cultivate a relationship with our souls, with our creator, we must for our own salvation. If we are to have peace, love and happiness, we must stand in our power, walk in faith and move through life with our hearts leading the way. We have to start, there is just to much pain…

Manipulation


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There is a terrible precedent that is set in childhood because we are easily manipulated by our circumstances and our families. It’s the first learning curve, who do I trust as we watch ourselves manipulate for another cookie, a later curfew, some extra dollars. At the same time we ourselves are being manipulated by those around us, I’ll take you shopping if you do this, I’ll buy a toy if you’ll be good. Manipulation is a skill. It has also been a survivor skill taught to many young girls as a way to navigate the shark infested waters of a man filled zone. It becomes so easy for people to manipulate their way through life they forget it is a skill and not the truth. It becomes second nature but as in all things truth comes to those who are looking out their eyes desiring the right path rather than those who grow up to be players, blatantly manipulating everything and everyone.

When we fall into someones trap of manipulation it hurts and feels bad especially if the one doing the manipulation is so obviously manipulating you like you don’t have a brain in your head, frankly many don’t. Everyone does it. It is a behavior that has to be managed. It is also an act that can bring karma right to your door. We manipulate because we don’t like the truth or we know that what we desire is wrong in some way. The saying the truth will set you free is correct but who wants to turn in money found on the street, tell someone to quit lying to their spouse. We end up manipulating the truth as much as we manipulate to hide the truth. Again, the truth will set you free but it also might make people mad, really mad.

I don’t like being manipulated. I have been told to do things for the greater good that were out-and-out lies meant to get my money. I have been manipulated into someones bed who did not have my best interest at heart though they would proclaim their love. I have been manipulated by teachers claiming to know what was better for me than the truth I desired even when it hurt to know it. Peoples reactions are often manipulating tactics to get you to do what they want. No one wants to upset or disappoint someone they love but the money you give a drug addict for “rent” is either going up their nose or into a pipe, quit kidding yourself. Alcoholics manipulate, drug addicts, children, parents, friends, lovers, its horrifying and definitely a skill that no one wants to talk about because everyone is doing it.

The only truth is found in your heart. A parent will allow a child to manipulate as a oh isn’t that funny, but if you don’t call them on it eventually your car wont be in the garage and money will be missing. If we don’t hold people to tell the truth they wont, why would they when the skill you allowed to develop is used so easily. How will you answer you child when they tell you, you do it why can’t I?

I hate writing these kind of blogs they are the most under read because the truth is, no one wants to hear the truth. We all want the get out of jail card that we are each willing to give each other just so no one says anything. If your friend catches you cheating you expect them to keep their mouth shut, they will manipulate their way to an excuse. Think of the hedge fund managers who manipulated their way in to pocket books across the world. People we love and trust, politicians, pastors, teachers, you name it, are manipulating everything, its horrifying.

The only recourse is to live with your heart open so you will see the truth and not be used by someones version of the truth. The more you manipulate to get your way is the amount of manipulating that will happen to you. Believe me, you will not like the day so and so said this that or the other, just to get what they wanted, it will feel like shit. Speak your truth stay close to your truth and fix what you yourself broke through the manipulation of the truth.

Disappointment is a bitter pill, don’t swallow it


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Awww disappointment! Receiving or experiencing disappointment is a tough thing for us humans. As soon as it happens it can become a cascading event of bad feelings whether the disappointment is coming from something that was done or left undone, it just doesn’t matter it becomes a doorway to negativity. One that must stay shut. Studying spirituality being religious any of the good feeling projects on the Earth move into a fog of forgetting when we experience disappointment. We become at once lost in our emotions of attachment and I am owed, I was used, I will never get what they get. All part of the game of life and learning what is actually important. Being, right? Being, being a being, not an emotional monster that can’t think straight or stay on the righteous path creating negativity and karma that has to be repaid.

Disappointment is part of life unfortunately, but its a great life lesson. When we expect people to be a certain way that is judgement. When we expect God to treat us a certain way, that is expectation, when we expect those around us not to hurt us, that is attachment. The feelings and actions of those around us is their karma and part of their life journey. Most of the time disappointment is about wanting what you want when you want it. News flash, not going to happen. The best we can do is stay in a place of neutrality understanding there is a bigger story going on than what we understand. You know what they say hindsight is 20/20. There is a reason for that. Life teaches that, that which we don’t understand is something to let go of and let God deal with. Like tragedies and horror on the planet, dear God take it away but for so many hard-headed humans terror and horror is the only language that can change them. God’s work is way passed our understanding.

What I do know and have learned is that when we walk in faith of a greater story, then we can be assured of a greater ending than what we see or are capable of seeing. Jesus spoke parable after parable on the unfairness of life from a human perspective. A wealthy man hires workers for his field and the last hired receive the same pay as the first, they scream unfair we worked longer and the landowner says we made an agreement. When we look around us and do comparisons of any kind is to put yourself in a dangerous position of thinking you know. One has to remember no one knows the mind of God. The universe is also always in a state of balance nothing goes unnoticed.

Disappointment is a false thing, a mind trap meant to keep us in the dark of emotional turmoil when the answer is simply be glad for all that good things that happen to those around you. Be glad that you see God at work. Be happy and uplifting, for those without Divine spiritual awareness see little outside of their eyes than that which benefits them. When we accept with grace everything that is happening to us in our lives, taking steps when necessary to correct that which is wrong towards that which is right, disappointment becomes a great teacher. Do not be a judge unless you are yourself without sin. When the master spoke of how hard it was for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, he was speaking of our inability to be grateful for what we have and who gave it to us because when we are not believe me that which is in charge will know it and balance will be restored.

When disappointment comes, breath in, let it wash over you like a wave and then release it. You know the saying let go and let God! Soon disappointment will leave and your blessings will reappear. Spend a day blessing everyone and watch how it changes your perspective, you know your blessed, that’s air your breathing right? You are alive, that is a blessing!

let’s talk about love


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Let’s talk about love.

Full Definition of LOVE

1
a (1) :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) :  affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

b :  an assurance of affection <give her my love>

2
:  warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3
a :  the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love>

b (1) :  a beloved person :  darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address

4
a :  unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) :  the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) :  brotherly concern for others

b :  a person’s adoration of God

5
:  a god or personification of love
6
:  an amorous episode :  love affair
7
:  the sexual embrace :  copulation
8
:  a score of zero (as in tennis)
9
capitalized Christian Science :  god
All of that they say is love, with sexual desire as number 2, funny isn’t it. There is a misconception about love I fear, a full on thought of love as a warm and fuzzy experience. We have people saying they love each other even when they don’t or using the word love as a, I like you right now, kind of thing. We talk about God’s love but if you mention any form of God’s anger they will quickly change the subject. How do they define that as love?
My mother and I had a very difficult relationship and really my mother did not have a good definition for love. Her mother gave her away as a child so how could she see or understand love? For her love hurt. So that was how it was instilled in me and frankly that was my experience of love, completely condition, you were loved if you were worthy of love. I just didn’t get it until my children were born and later when my son traveled a dark road I realized there was nothing that could move my love from him.
Just a few days ago I was in the space of a woman speaking of her difficulty with her son. I spoke as a mother of such a difficult boy, but she quickly cut me off telling me her son was a heroin user and thus couldn’t be her son any longer. My heart broke for her and her son because mine was too. At 18 she sends him away. Where is her love and why was her fear more important? When my boy spun out of control I grabbed him even harder. I know that love is gross and disgusting sometimes, horrifying and scary. Think of the worse person you can think of, gross horrible, God loves that person. God does not see love as a warm and fuzzy thing. For God love is a verb. Big lesson for us all, especially the judgmental.
I once told my daughter-in-law she had to learn the mother voice. It is the way a mother can stop their child on a dime as they are walking into danger. When I was a young mother my voice could penetrate my children, ask my 33-year-old bi-polar son, it stills has the same effect even today. As a mother I instilled the fear of God, ok me, into them it was my way of letting them know my love was strong enough to step in front of a train or go to hell and get them if need be. Same as God’s love for humanity, the disgusting humans who would hurt others are still loved by God.
Let’s redefine love as the unconditional acceptance of that in you which is greater than your small human self. God loves us just as we are and as we realize that love, our hearts open and we are never the same. To love a disgusting human will allow you to see the child in them, that being that has felt unloved and uncared for and under the watchful eye of love will turn around. Every human desires love, true love, unconditional love. But make no mistake I can love you while screaming at you, God can love you while pulling your life apart. No one said love was always sweet but true love is such a balm for the heart even the ignorant know that.
Go on and show love to your people, be the one who loves “that” person though everyone else will send them away. Love with such a heart that can’t be moved. Now that is power, that is love.

hope and the point of pain

hope and the point of pain

I have just dealt with another loss. And loss of any kind is hard on humans, it’s not fun. it’s not fair. I hate it and the word hate doesn’t quite describe it. I have dealt with a lot of loss in that last few years. The loss of people family and things. And really I wasn’t in the mood for any more pain or loss for a while. Guess who had other plans for me and my tear ducts.

I have lost something of great value so that makes the loss sting all the more. And that gives me pain. I go through the steps of loss like everyone even when I know and accept that a greater power is in charge. And I feel inside myself a desire to be pissed off, again not a word that is strong enough for the emotion behind, Why God? Why me? Why again? I am mad. I am f**king mad.

I go to sleep with the feeling of loss I wake up with the sensation of loss. I lost something of great value and I can’t replace it, yet! My feelings are hurt and I want to blame anyone and anything. You can see it in my eyes you can hear it in my voice and my children are watching. My grandson put his arms around me the day the loss was something I had to accept, he felt it too. Loss is loss what ever you lose he knew that. But he spoke hope into my ear, “it will be ok Grandma”

The picture is the sunrise this morning. As I wait for work at my house to be finished I am staying at a room overlooking the lake. I am going home after a month of being away in California and now here taking care of business I have to carry this loss into my house. My grandson told me it would be ok. And as everyone watches I have to take it like a f**king champ. I have to stand in that space of everything happens for a reason. I have to stand in that space after every f**king loss in order for my kids who have no one but me leading our family ship to know that life will go on when really I am so done! But I just keep going. My grandson told me everything would be ok.

I woke to that sunrise. I woke up and that sun had the audacity to be so beautiful right outside of my room and right in my face. My heart is like a heavy burden overwhelmed by things I can’t understand today but I see the sun and it is another day and I am not dead, my kids are ok, my grandson is fine, and my  grand-daughter will be here soon. SO I accept the loss, these things that were of great value both in their worth and my love for them, and now they are gone, my grandson told me everything would be ok, he gave me hope.

I accept this loss but it feels like being burned by fire

through fire the phoenix rises

and through agony hope is born

Distorted internal images, enter the false self


imagesI wish I was the internal version of myself. The me on the other side of the mirror. You know the me that is so perfect. Her hair is always perfect. Her clothes are always right. Her weight never fluctuates. She never over drinks, or over eats and she never talks to loud for God sakes! She gets up every morning with a smile on her face sipping her cup of herbal tea, no caffeine for her. She does yoga effortlessly and is in touch with her higher self. You should see how awesome she is. She rarely gets angry and is a great help to everyone. She is selfless and generous. My life would be perfect! Right?

Really!

I get a glimpse of her sometimes trying to be me and frankly she gets on my nerves with her always right shit. “You really shouldn’t eat that” raining on my parade with her “right” thoughts and “right ” behavior. She never gives me a break. She sits inside of me being this perfected version of myself. She has been haunting me for years. Problem is she has been trying to get me to “see” something.

I have just reread Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now”. (READ THIS BOOK) A great book stating simply that our unhappiness can be found in our resisting the present moment or our lives at any given time. We will be stuck in thoughts of the future or past, never the now. And now is where all the action is. The one place no one wants to be. Can you imagine that most people that surround you are completely living in the past or future. That is not reality. It is not now.

This internal perfected view of myself is a trick of my ego to keep me upset with the me of right now. I become worried endlessly about my weight, my kids, my life, my lack of a life, my lack of a love life, whatever might be upsetting in my life situation at any given moment. My perfected self judges endlessly, it is not reflective of the real me. It is just a version of me and my life that I sometimes hold onto as “right”. It keeps me constantly upset rather than allowing me to revel in the beauty of the present moment. This “right” self becomes a false self.

We are hiding behind a “right” version of ourselves becoming scared of exposing our true selves. This feels very similar to only showing a part of yourself to your parents so they will be proud of you thinking that if they saw your true self they would never speak to you again. The false self is a mother fu*ker and constantly changes so you are never right and always wrong, see it’s a mother fu*ker! Destroying peace everywhere.

When I daydream of my perfected false self, dancing in harmony with mother nature, not shaving her legs, smiling in her perfected beauty living her perfect life, I can also see me making fun of all of it. I laugh at women projected like that, smiling through their periods, and having orgasms through child-birth. Perfected females. I don’t think of them as being righter in their womanly experience as me, it’s just another version of experience, I guess, it sure as hell wasn’t mine. This female body went through hell bringing 3 kids onto the planet and the battle scars are still visible 30 some years later.

This is my present moment self with all my horrifying life experiences and bad habits standing up to be counted. This is my now. In the present moment of now everything is fine. Anything that is negative can be corrected through right thought and action and this can change your experience of now. But right now is right now and every minute is flowing in the eternal moment now. Being in the now is where life is flowing. When you are not in the moment life is moving around you. Resisting the present moment makes for a miserable life. Clear off your mirror and see. Stop identifying with your false self and just let your self be.

My perfected self better watch herself because this version of me is going to kick her ass, false self out, true self in!

I am sitting on a platform high in the sky waiting for clarity


IMG_1048There is a sensation in my chest, a sense of urgency. It’s the feeling of ‘have I forgotten something?’ It feels like the sensation of an answer being on the tip of your tongue but not quite in your consciousness. Something feels off. What the hell? I could look for someone to talk to about it, but who? Who can answer such questions? Seeking and desiring answers, is it just attachment? Am I allowed to know what I don’t know? Am I just bored? Am I stuck? Am I in a holding pattern? Am I just unwilling to seeing what is front of my face? So I must go into myself and sit on a platform high in the sky trying to get better perspective. I believe nothing can be seen clearly from where I am here on the ground steeped in the physical world.

Here I constantly want to be distracted. I want to walk towards food, or fun. I do not want to focus or figure it out. I am tired of that. I just want something to take my mind off of what I don’t know and can’t figure out. I have to pull myself up because the pull down to the material world and all of its distractions can be intense. Oh the worry, oh the stress and tomorrow is another day.

I read on social media one after another of these spiritually enlightened messages wondering who is following these wise words. Because if spiritual platitudes made us enlightened the world would be a very different place. I see multitudes of spiritual teachers in video trying to help us see. They say, (they?) spiritual lessons can be learned from a book or a teacher but if they are never put into practice what difference does it make that someone can sound good, but in the end they can’t do any good, not for anyone much less themselves. What difference does it make what I know, has it helped?

We say we want spirituality but most desire money and power and control. The new age has us living far away from ourselves as we thought the accoutrement of living a spiritual life was the path. Dress the part, chanting or no chanting, hair or no hair, meat or no meat, this is what is important, from down here. We are missing the heart of the teachings. I need to see, more.

So I move to my platform in the sky, the one in my mind’s eye. I sit in silence because I am sick of my own voice. I sit with my eyes closed I am sick of what I see, could we have a little more pain on the planet thank you very much. But the thinking does no good. Stop thinking! I am up here to be, just be, just be, and figure out what just be means. The hardest thing I have heard is just be who you are. Just be, just be who? Me.

I am going to sit here on this platform in the sky in my mind’s eye until I see clearer. I going to sit here until I hear clearer. I am going to figure out which voice is mine , you know the one in my head. I am going to force my body to be quiet and quit taking so much of my time and energy. I am going to still the stupid voice in my head so I can hear someone else talk, you know inside my head.I am going to try to hear through my heart not just my head. I am going to sit here until I see God, hear God, feel God. And then I will come back down knowing the voice in my head is the voice of God and the feeling in my chest is the presence of God. Then the words coming out of my mouth will be the wisdom of God.

Where did we think wisdom comes from? It is inside of us accessible all the time, we must desire it. I desire it!

 

It’s called “being” a wife(partner) and mother


No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both he is twice blessed indeed.

A disturbing trend I see and hear about is the breakdown of the duties of the wife and mother, (good God read on before you roll your eyes). Face it and you know it, without a good woman in your family you probably do not have a well-functioning family. Mothers have been doing the job of Mom and Pop for years as so many men have died providing for their families and protecting our country leaving Mom at the helm of her ship. The role of the mother and wife was a very important role indeed in keeping the family together. Once upon a time it was a woman’s pride to take care of her family and then something happened. I began to hear entitlement in the voice of women sick of not having any support and left holding the ball. Drugs march in as a woman’s mind marches out, plug-in shopping, sex, drinking, avoidance, bitterness, ect… Children, what children, husband what husband, fucking leave me alone already!

Husbands come and go because women lead them away or bitch them to death or expect what can not be expected, and they do the same thing to fathers. Once your husband is out the door for what ever justifiable reason you had, he is gone, so is the father of your children if you had any. This leaves women doing double duty. Resentment-ville is right around the corner and the kids have been forgotten. This is ridiculous, at some point being responsible for what you set up, like getting married and having children, is required. We need to quit trying to get out of doing our job. Woman! Stand up already! Please God!

I am dealing with a woman right now who cannot see the nightmare in front of her because she thinks the nightmare she is imaging is real. Her husband did something to disrupt her trust, a year ago, we won’t mention that any acting out behavior is just that acting out, for instance I need to say something and I don’t know how, so I am going to fuck up and see how you handle it, even our children do this, my cat did it too! When something needs to be said in a relationship and it is not, try to live on the banks of De-nile, believe me, it will be back with a vengeance, back to the story.

The husband acted out, in front of her so she could see what she would not see, and what was a call for help became her cry for look what you did. Now she lives in victim-ville and she is dragging her family down with her. Her son is forced to go to school dealing with bullshit, her son doesn’t get her full attention and lately any of her attention because she would rather live with her head in “I”m right”  and “I’m mad” and “I’m sad” and “I’m upset”, and her boy is just hungry and needs a pair of shoes, guess who is having trouble at school.

So while she sits down on the job and we boost her husband to try to give the family time to heal and frankly time for her to get her head out of her ass. I wait. I wait for her to see her role in the destruction of her family while she points her finger at who she blames. Her family will go down in flames. Only a very weak-willed man will put up with a woman continually blaming, ragging, whining, bitching, a good man will manage for a while but any man worth his salt will not let a woman bring down the house. But a lot do, a woman’s force is not any fun when it is aimed at you.

For a woman to be all she is to be in the role of wife and mother is to understand it is an action word. You do wife-ing and mother-ing. You do it because it is our nature to be the nurturer, we give birth, we create life, its in us, even if we never become a wife or mother. Our strength holds the world because we hold the family. Men back us up, protect and provide, we hold the family.  We hold our children so they can grow and learn and be, it’s a continual job. Is this new information to some people?

Think of Jesus, he had Marys, two of them, a companion and a mother, through what had to have been a very difficult role for both. We all need the support of our families and we as women need to get back to work. There will be no career awesomeness that wipes out the shitty job you do with your family. Believe me and then go ask your kids and maybe your ex-husband. I am not saying stay home I didn’t, I am saying if your are partnered, DO YOUR JOB support and love your partner, if you are a parent DO YOUR JOB, support and love love love your children! God is watching us…

Woe mighty big soap box today

Mother’s day


547683_4451938661801_1233800492_nFunny how life is…  I was a mom at 18. The mother of 3 at 23. My life is nothing like I thought it would be. It is so much more…

Inside of myself has always been an awareness of the importance of my job as a mother. The responsibility that was mine because well, I gave birth to them. I still take this job very seriously and in the end it will be the only job I will have held as being important. I have had the privilege to help mold 3 humans into awesome humans. I loved them unconditionally even when those looking into my backyard thought I was doing something wrong. I gave my kids the freedom to explore and be themselves in whatever manner they chose. I allowed the fear of the unknown to be around them and myself so that they could invent themselves and not fall into someone’s you ‘should’ be this bullshit, they will be themselves!  I held them when they fell and lifted them when they could not see. I have poured my life blood into each one of them. And now they are grown.

dramatic pause, enter the dragon, my grandson…

IMG_1448What makes every mothers day great now is that I am grandma. The next stage is upon me and it is awesome. My daughter is pregnant, my second grandchild is on the way. Hell yah! I want lots of grandkids. There is no doubt that it has been difficult for me as my own mother had a hard time with the kind of personality I have and it kept us at arms distance until her death. Being a mother was hard on her, at least with me, and being a mother has been hard on me. I just knew there was no choice but to do the job of mothering. Her friction with me became my desire for a completely different definition of the word mother for myself. And I redefined it. My hope and prayer is that from wherever she is she knows, she made me who I am and I am a fricking awesome mother and looking forward to turning into an awesome grandma!!!!

God is great!