I’m fine


images

Don’t you get like that, just wishing people could see there is no real way you could be fine yet you are, fine, that is…just fine. After they ask you know they don’t really want to know if you are fine because they need you to be fine. So you are, just fine. But inside you are far from fine.

Then there are the others who when you look at them you can see the pressure and force they are using to keep up appearances, really you recognize the look of horror just behind their eyes…

“are you ok?”,

“no,umm yes, I’m fine.”

How is it we keep saying we are fine?

I see not fine when walking around and through groups of people. I see that look of things are not ok. It’s a stare of vacant eyes, a disconnect from reality because as you say are you ok, they come bouncing back into their bodies, yes, “I’m fine.”

No, you are not! It’s written on your face, this truth they themselves cannot see, they are not ok.

Our outsides need to match our insides, without that we become out of sync with ourselves.

Sometimes the one doing the asking, are you ok, was sent to help you. A Being put right in your path to assist you, sometimes with an encouraging word, sometimes with a, I know someone you can meet. But you turn them away with your unconscious I’m fine. We need to answer with consciousness when someone asks us, “Are you ok?”

It’s not that heroic to tell someone you are ok if there are tears in your eyes and you obviously need help. It’s not heroic to keep stuff so trapped inside of you it seeps out in not so awesome ways, if someone offers help, take it!!!!!!!

“I’m fine” said over and over when the opposite is true can be just a weakness of ego and a symptom of being a victim.

“I’m fine” said with determination works as a great spiritual tool especially when you realize you have lost your voice and strength, then you can work your self-power by seeing and believing, “I’m fine”, Right… fake it until you make it… new habits of positive self-talk indeed lift vibration bringing you in alignment with more positive things happening in your life. But you have to say it and mean it. Use it as a tool of self-growth and self-encouragement.

The minute your voice changes it into, I”M FINE or say it in a whine, is the minute the energy changes and it becomes ineffective and wrong. Try to be more real with your self and speak your truth. You will feel the strength of your true voice return.

Know that truly being fine is the goal. So be fine when you are fine, and be fine when you can be fine, fake being fine only when you know you are just experiencing a bump in the road, but don’t fake fine when you are far from being fine, that is not fine at all!

Hit the delete button and free your mind!


images

I have been thinking about the delete button on my computer. I can hit the delete button and everything disappears, way cool. I think we need a delete button in our heads, yes we do! Some people hold on to antiquated beliefs like a dog to a bone when what they need is a delete button to clear their thinking, reassess and change their mind. It’s not easy to convince someone of a new idea or philosophy when frankly convincing is the exact opposite of what we should be doing. If you have to convince someone of what you believe it becomes to me an act of control. I would never want that.

When I believe your idea is no longer relevant, or biased, racist, or sexist and maybe just plain in my book wrong, I really can only share my beliefs with passion, through my actions and leave you to your own devices. Which of course means hitting the delete button in your head, I hope. All of us have stores of memories, ideas, and prejudices, that just need to be deleted. New information is sometimes thought of for a while but deeply held beliefs can have a long staying power. Hit the delete button already.

It’s an under used button for the mind. Ridding yourself of the noise in your head is a good thing. When the delete button is used, you can have a fresh perspective. You can make your beliefs your own, not your fathers, or mothers, or your church. As leaders in our families, or communities, hitting the delete button every once in a while would put us all in a place of receptivity. The world is an ever-changing place, new ideas come with new information but we have to be open to it and frankly most people have cluttered minds.

I think it makes a good point for a spiritual and meditation practice. A once a day remedy for not getting stuck in a mind rut. What was true for you yesterday might not be true tomorrow. My Mom couldn’t eat onions when we were growing up so everything had to have onions removed from it. My grandma would make 2 dishes one with and one with out and since I was her daughter she figured I would have the same issue. And I felt I did until I was married and he fed me onions in my food and I about became an onion addict. I ate onions on everything in everything and I still do. I had to hit the delete button on her mandatory onion band and make up my own mind.

Think on ways you can use a delete button. Do you get mad at your partner over the same issue over and over again, time to delete that thought and try to negotiate another way to get what you want. Resistance is always a delete button issue. Why stay mad and frustrated over something you know will never change? Why waste your breath? There are more important things in life than clothes hitting the hamper and shoes in the door way.

Practicing with the delete button frees your mind. Truth is we can not control anyone they can give us the appearance of control but it just builds resentment. Try hitting the delete button when your server pisses you off, you know it’s a crap job. Try hitting the delete button when driving who cares if you got cut off. Death by drive by shooting because you finally pissed off the wrong driver is a stupid way to die.

You get what I am saying. Hit the delete button every now and again. Free your mind and the rest will follow!

 

Growth and movement


IMG_1038Ahhhh, the groaning. We cannot grow without strain. We cannot grow without movement. Oh how we groan through the whole thing. Do you think we will ever get that life is about the journey. Surly we get that the grave is calling for us all eventually. Why all the groaning! Let’s jump in the ocean and let it hold us for a while.

The oceans teach us about movement and the power of the now and more importantly it teaches about non-attachment.

If you stand long enough in the edge of the water your feet get covered by sand, the surf rides up your leg, you are in it and it is simply moving around you. It has no care for you standing in its way, for it moves around you. It has no care for your feelings it absorbs them without you even being aware of it. You can walk away from the ocean and it will not miss you. The ocean supports you are you aren’t aware of it. Just like life.

The ocean accepts your trash and your praise. It allows death and life to happen in the same place at the same time. The ocean is powerful and mighty. The ocean is sometimes mild and calm. The ocean is sometimes so clear you can see to the bottom and watch your step but sometimes it is murky and you never know what just went by. Just like life.

Once in the water if you are not paying attention you will be at the mercy of the tides and swiftly washed away, the ocean isn’t here to play, it has work to do. But work with the water and you will find it invigorating and loads of splash fun, ask a kid. Just like life.

As a spiritual person we see the ocean as a representative of the collective unconscious. It holds all the secrets of life, just there under the surface. The depths of the ocean are calm cold and dark with misunderstanding and mystery. The surface blown by the wind and tossed by the currents. The ocean holds us all. Just like life.

Throw yourself a life vest and stop groaning. Wear it as a reminder that when handled properly life is about growth and movement.  With the tools found in the Divine Spiritual Wisdom life can be handled without fear or groaning. But remind yourself in life as in the ocean, if you move out to far and become fearful, be calm and relax into your life vest and breath, the current will bring you back just as the breath will bring you back to center. Struggle against life or the ocean and it will bring you down. Work with it and it will work with you. Try to understand it and you will spend hours and hours trying to do that. Just go with it and expect the ride of your life.

hope and the point of pain

hope and the point of pain

I have just dealt with another loss. And loss of any kind is hard on humans, it’s not fun. it’s not fair. I hate it and the word hate doesn’t quite describe it. I have dealt with a lot of loss in that last few years. The loss of people family and things. And really I wasn’t in the mood for any more pain or loss for a while. Guess who had other plans for me and my tear ducts.

I have lost something of great value so that makes the loss sting all the more. And that gives me pain. I go through the steps of loss like everyone even when I know and accept that a greater power is in charge. And I feel inside myself a desire to be pissed off, again not a word that is strong enough for the emotion behind, Why God? Why me? Why again? I am mad. I am f**king mad.

I go to sleep with the feeling of loss I wake up with the sensation of loss. I lost something of great value and I can’t replace it, yet! My feelings are hurt and I want to blame anyone and anything. You can see it in my eyes you can hear it in my voice and my children are watching. My grandson put his arms around me the day the loss was something I had to accept, he felt it too. Loss is loss what ever you lose he knew that. But he spoke hope into my ear, “it will be ok Grandma”

The picture is the sunrise this morning. As I wait for work at my house to be finished I am staying at a room overlooking the lake. I am going home after a month of being away in California and now here taking care of business I have to carry this loss into my house. My grandson told me it would be ok. And as everyone watches I have to take it like a f**king champ. I have to stand in that space of everything happens for a reason. I have to stand in that space after every f**king loss in order for my kids who have no one but me leading our family ship to know that life will go on when really I am so done! But I just keep going. My grandson told me everything would be ok.

I woke to that sunrise. I woke up and that sun had the audacity to be so beautiful right outside of my room and right in my face. My heart is like a heavy burden overwhelmed by things I can’t understand today but I see the sun and it is another day and I am not dead, my kids are ok, my grandson is fine, and my  grand-daughter will be here soon. SO I accept the loss, these things that were of great value both in their worth and my love for them, and now they are gone, my grandson told me everything would be ok, he gave me hope.

I accept this loss but it feels like being burned by fire

through fire the phoenix rises

and through agony hope is born

I just don’t get other travelers

I just don’t get other travelers

It has been raining today so it has been a slow moving day in Paris. I took the train to the Champs-Elysees area to watch a movie. So did hundreds of others, of course. There are shops there as well, high end shops, you know, the usual suspects for the display of riches, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Dior, Tiffany’s, blah blah blah, all of them. A great way for a girl to feel underdressed even just for a movie.

I choose to sit in a cafe to avoid rain after my movie, oh no here they come, the rich. Silence, bow your head, do not look them in the eye…I of course can’t keep my mouth shut and speaking with my server and the manager we remark about the rudeness of these humans, they will take a chair from table without asking, they will move in front of you like they don’t see you. They are seemingly unaware of the rest of us, us mere mortals.

Then they opened their mouths.

I just don’t get it. I don’t get the notion that a human that is serving you your food or drink needs to be treated like they are dust under your table. I don’t get where the server, male or female, is there just for you needs, and needs to be flagged down with a whistle or a ‘hey’. Really, did you just walk out of a cave? Were you born yesterday? Are you really so ignorant that you don’t know that’s a human you’re talking to? Oh let me guess its raining and your pissed. Wait, is it because you have money?

Not today, today in my neck of the woods, or restaurant, we learned some manners and that the man was a server, not a servant, as if the woman had not heard of such thing.

Now this is a cafe, not the Ritz, we are all allowed in cafes, not so much the Ritz. It’s the great equalizer in France, cafes, because everybody’s money works in a cafe. What was irritating was watching when the women walked in dripping jewels and the men accompanying her through the door, they were greeted, they ignored that, they were asked if they wanted to be seated, they ignored that. They frankly, did and sat where ever the hell they wanted, as if none of us mattered including the actual place they were being seated. How interesting to be “so” in your own space, I mean mine, they were right there next to me.

So note to self and all other foreign travelers, yes they were foreigners to this land, quit being such a pompous ass when visiting another country. Always remember that the server you are treating like shit will be holding your food at some point, also the person you are treating like shit is a mother father sister brother of someone, not a plastic doll put on the earth for your amusement. And most of all remember there by the Grace of God go I and you. Past that can’t we all just get along and drink some good wine together.

The power of resistance


images-1One of my earlier spiritual beliefs was whenever I met resistance on the path it was a sign that I was going the wrong way. I felt it was essentially a stop sign by the creator to alert me to wrong doings, wrong actions, wrong direction. Sometimes it felt like the resistance I was experiencing, was a way to slow me down so I could assess how the ‘what’ I was doing, was actually playing out on the stage of reality. Resistance was a tool of reflection, a reaction to the cause of my actions. No matter what kind of resistance I felt  I would always look out into the world to see where it was coming from, then I felt like I could address it.

Once I made the determination that my path was my path, resistance became something else.  Rather than looking at resistance as something to react against, I began to look at it as a spiritual lesson. Resistance then became a, “do you really mean it?” kind of thing. A new understanding of resistance as being a marker to how dedicated one is on the path rather than a marker that something was wrong.

At first it was hard for me to see the difference between accessing resistance as a sign of how things were going to the thought of resistance being a marker to how dedicated one is to their truth. For me most of the time resistance was a wall I slammed into and had to find a way around but really it was a wall I needed to walk through. When I say I desire a spiritual path and then am pushed right off my path by any level of resistance well, that hardly seems to be the definition of following a spiritual path. It makes me think of Job from the bible, he met some resistance on his path and held it together. The resistance he felt didn’t weaken his resolve. I sure couldn’t let it weaken mine.

I am getting ready to travel which causes lots of stress and my oldest son who is bi-polar can have a hard time when I am away. The resistance of the last 2 days almost had me cancelling my plans. The resistance has been so bad, instead of looking like resistance, it looked like the end of the world. There were missed appointments, car accidents, dogs running away, cells phones failing, checkbook failure, every where I looked things were falling apart, or trying really hard to. I even let it get to the point of almost cancelling my trip.

And then I stood up. Like a wave you move with, rather than against, I began to see the resistance as pot holes in the road, a pain in the ass but hardly a reason not to drive. I look down at the writing on my arm, Be still and know that I am God and take a deep breath. There is going to be resistance on the path, it is the way it is. Humans have fear and resistance is just a thing we have to deal with until we know better. Running from it, or being afraid of it does not fix it, you just have to let go and let life flow. Then you become like a boulder in the water something the wave moves around not pushes around. You become an unstoppable force.

Like they say resistance is futile.

 

 

 

 

Digging Deep


Funny how life becomes a teacher when everything you need to know about yourself is revealed in the moment your dog tears up your special something, or your child displays disruptive behavior, or your partner embarrasses the hell out of you. Lose your cool and you will find a lesson ready to be learned right there in front of your red screaming face. We can get mad blaming this or that when things go wrong never thinking to check our reaction to a circumstance that is most likely out of our or anyone’s control. Things often go wrong in our lives presenting as lessons in self-control, perspective and self-reliance.

Don’t like it when things go wrong? Ask yourself; Who do you think you are?  Why shouldn’t bad things happen to you? Are you anymore special than him or her or them? More importantly, What do your reactions tell me about who you are?

Do you get mad when you trip in public? Do you have such control of yourself at work but allow yourself to get completely out of control in social situations? Do you act spiritual at spiritual times and like an SOB when behind closed doors? Do you act supportive to your loved ones with a dark and jealous heart? Do you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear at anything at anytime for any reason? Do you know that you are doing something against your own soul but do it any way? Do you keep your true self locked in a box because “‘it’s just safer that way”? Are you living your life at all? or Are you hiding behind someone’s coattails? Is the reason you are so pissy and mad really someone’s fault?

Face it, we all hate looking in the mirror and we all have shadow stuff that needs to be uncovered.  Equally, we all have to do the work and come on, nobody really wants to but the exit to easy street is a well guarded secret. Plus the reality is life will often reveal our weaknesses and our underwear to everyone every where while we think we’re doing a great job covering our asses. Life is full of life lessons and lots are embarrassing some horrible. Life is hard. And?

Life is hard and you have to learn to dig deep. There is no easy way to approach a difficult life or a difficult time but head on. The victim trains runs for miles and miles but the stops are all the same and get this, there is no destination. That train will take you right back to where you started. In order to turn things around you have to dig deep, do the work and shut up! Most of us sit in our privileged lives unaware of what other humans are having to put up with on a daily basis. There are horrifying stories and atrocities that are unimaginable to us, and we cannot get off the couch and pull it together. People we need to tell ourselves and each other its time to stand up do the work- The victim train has left the station.

I have found perspective to be a great teacher in times of frustration. Someone cuts me off in traffic-there is an emergency in their family. Someone takes my parking space-they are in a hurry and I needed the exercise. The receptionist doesn’t have my reservation-goodie, room upgrade. Driving across the country in a Uhaul pulling a trailer with a full size car and hating every minute of it-better than the person stuck on the side of the road in a Uhaul not pulling its trailer. It can always be worse. It can always get worse. Sometimes it does. And then- usually- at some point- it gets better.

When blinded by the red color of rage, when surrounded by doubt and fear, when plagued by victim-ness, stop drop and roll. Stop your line of thinking, Drop your attention to your breath and Roll your consciousness back towards gratefulness and away from selfishness. Remember it can always be worse, it can always get worse. When you dig deep within your being you will find a river of peace and understanding that will help you get through difficult times. When you dig deep getting upset becomes a thing of the past. When you dig deep you become the person you were meant to be. When we get past the, Why do I always have to be the bigger person?  and just be the bigger person, you will walk towards the understanding of why it is so important. Someone has to be…

Digging deep within the self for answers opens the gateway to true wisdom. It reveals what is happening around you rather than leaving you lost thinking about what is happening to you. This thought changes everything and it leads to self-reliance and peace. Dig deep people!