More tragedy, more faith


I have not written in a while because my heart is broken from events that occurred within one months time. The last time I wrote it was about the death of my father. He had struggled with some physical issues and was tired of living in a body that he couldn’t get to work with him anymore. He didn’t want a less than life, so he chose death.

It was hard when he told me he wanted to die we had just reconnected after 3 years and I had hoped he would see the worth of living to be of help to his grandchildren and great grand children. He didn’t, he didn’t want to fight for his life, he was done fighting. That was a hard moment. I walked him through death like I did my mother and certainly thought that would be enough sustaining heartbreak for a while.

and then…

My eldest son embroiled in a terrible situation was sentenced to jail over an incident with his wife and the tragedy of their story is falling out around the shoulders of my grandson who I haven’t seen in months and whose mother will make sure that I don’t, because she is mad at my son. Their tragedy bleeds into my life but my heart bleeds for my son and for the grandson who has become a victim to the selfishness of parents. That was less than a month after Dad died.

But almost to the month of Dads death was the greater tragedy and that was the sudden death of my infant grandson Oliver.

My daughter calls me distraught and I think my son has done something awful or he is dead, it was neither, it was her son, her baby, it was my grandson, my baby grandson, he had died in his sleep. Falling to your knees becomes the only response.

What is it to keep your head up when all it wants to do is fall? My heart is broken and my family nearly destroyed. And God has now got a target on his back in the eye of my daughter. Where is your God? They ask me, how can I have faith in this moments, why would God do that to us, to her? It goes beyond the pale and there is no answer at all. There is no understanding the mind of God.

As a matter of fact we don’t even get asked, we are just to deal with it. The gnashing of teeth, the screaming until your hoarse does nothing but prolong the pain. There is no rhyme nor reason, ¬†we are not allowed to know why these things happen or we would. We are forced to stand with the weight of the tragedy on our shoulders being the strength everyone needs to see.

My daughter couldn’t lay down and die after her baby did because her daughter is still alive. I couldn’t get distraught because it was my daughters loss, she needed my strength. We can’t get lost in the darkness of despair though the door to depression and sorrow is standing opening begging us to go through it. What does not kill us actually does make us stronger.

What moves us forward is the next day, it’s not that you want to move on you have to. It’s not that faith sustains us it’s that unwavering faith in a higher power in charge is the only thought that makes sense. The order in the universe serves as a reminder that there is indeed a higher force, higher than the mind of any human, that is making the world go around.

The force is not personally trying to hurt us, things happen. Sometimes we are instigating these things to happen and sometimes people are thrusting their stuff on us and it makes things happen, (that we do not want!), it is our ego that believes we are in control, and we are not. The best we can do is to stay in the lane marked God’s will, God’s world.

I am a peon on this planet and a person who lives my spirituality in a real world way, it’s not fairy dust world, dealing with God gets ugly and my world just got ugly. But I won’t throw God out with the bath water. I will see God in every moment in every act, I will work to see the unseen, I will remind myself there is no comprehending the mind of God and we are all small peons on this planet, all at the mercy of forces beyond our control.

Best to stand under the shadow of the most powerful force there is, call it what you want, but when God starts cracking my skull open I get down on my knees and pray. If God wants to tear my life open and watch me bleed again… then bleed I will. Eventually God will release me and peace will be restored. You can count on that!

You want me to be grateful for what?


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As part of my ongoing spiritual walk I ever so often have to begin again in order to make the necessary adjustments to rise to the next level, whether it be a level of consciousness, or stage of life. The in between stage of growth is where I find myself having the hardest time. The in between state of no longer being where I was and not yet where I am going.

I chant as apart of my spiritual practice and have for over 15 years. I find working the vibration through chanting the most effective way to exact change on the physical level. Awesome! Then comes the day that you realize your practice has become less awe-inspiring and then I change it up. I think of a spiritual practice like a conversation, not always the same but also a sharing between beings. Like all things a spiritual practice that becomes rote is no longer a practice but a habit. A true spiritual practice moves and changes with you just like a conversation moves and changes. We move our practice in order to move the self. I needed to know what to do to change, to get ready for the next spiritual growth spurt.

I went to a class with my teacher having a difficult time with the struggle of life not knowing where I am going and he says practice being grateful. Of course I jump up with the “of course I am grateful”, “I am so grateful for everything I just don’t get why it has to be so hard sometimes.”

Now we know there is no growth without the pain of change. In order to change we have to work our vibration releasing the old inviting in the new. So he told me “you aren’t being grateful for everything.” ” Of course I am, it’s just so hard”blah blah blah

Swimming in the misery of the struggle oh why God why me? He says, “Are you grateful for the struggle? Are you grateful for the confusion you are surrounded by? Are you truly grateful for everything the good and the bad? “Are you grateful for the challenges that are moving you down the path of greater spiritual growth?” “Are you grateful that in this moment you are indeed closer to God?”

I went back to my place to really understand gratefulness on a much wider scale. To be grateful for some of the most difficult things that have happened to me. To be grateful for the hard humans who I have relationships with. To be grateful for the tragedies that have befallen me and my family. And in that moment you see the hand of God for what it is , a hand, help, growth, and movement. Through the adversities of life I scream out to God, through the pain in my life I have searched for God and through all the loss of my life I have found God.

There can be gratefulness in horror when you open your eyes to the widest vision you can imagine for each event in your life, good or bad. Gratefulness is one of the most profound spiritual practices, giving you perspective and frankly it leads to forgiveness, and we all could use some of that.

So I am grateful for every difficult moment, for every happy moment, for everything that has ever pissed me off, and especially to all the things that make me sing. I am grateful!!!! For as I become my very best self, shining like a sun, I know there is nothing more powerful than I Am and certainly nothing powerful enough to bring me down. How can you not be grateful for that? I will practice being grateful.

I am grateful for you!